My 2016 hasn't been the best year (though it has been way better than 2015).
I made lots of tough decisions from last year which glided me smoothly to this year, had lots of breakthroughs, realised things and learned a lot! So many things happened, and the silver lining is that I'm grateful to have all of it. Like legit. I say, I had lots of fun and I'M STRONGER NOW! #notweak
Definitely looking for more in 2017! Lots to look forward to next year.. which is less than an hour away!
Last but not least, to all of you, my dear readers, what I really want to tell you is... to follow your dreams!
Happy new year in advance!! x

2016.

It’s crazy to look back at who you started off this year with, and who you’re ending it with.

Who would have known right?

As disappointed in myself with how I began this year and who I devoted my time and effort to, I’m just glad that that isn’t the way I’m ending it.

I’m so glad that I’ve made the choices I’ve made and decided to surround myself with the people I have now.

Beyond ready for you, 2017.

Death.

Has it ever occurred to your mind of how it is going to happen? Suppose if it were to happen. I have always wondered where I’d go, or if my spirit will still be alive. I always wonder what would change, and will people miss me? 
I am not afraid of dying because pieces of me dies all the time. I am just afraid of exiting the known and into the unknown.

PS. Here's a little update on my life if you don't follow me on other social media platforms - 

I know I rarely post on here anymore, life does get busy/hectic, which I was so grateful it happened this way, because I get so busy that I don't even have time to think about those who have hurt me. Now they're all gone from the back of my mind. My priorities have changed. I know what I want now. I know what matters to me the most now. And I will not let any insignificant people get in the way of my road to achievement and success.

Few days ago, I lost my grandma (if you have followed me on my other social media platforms). She practically was like my second mum who took care of me when I was little and when parents were working. I had a really close bond with her, and the fact that I couldn't be with her till her last breath, it took a huge toll on me. I couldn't process it all when I received the news. I cried non-stop (out of nowhere) when I thought of her and the fond memories I had with her.

Anyways, while I'm still coping in this hard time I'm in, I've been actively managing my beauty instagram, feel free to follow me on my instagram (LINK) I post everything about beauty, makeup, skincare, etc. 

As of tomorrow, I'll be back to blogging regularly (on every Monday, Wednesday and Friday) on my beauty blog (LINK).

So yea, that's pretty much my life right now. Busy all day everyday! So busy that I haven't caught up with any drama, but it's good in a way because then when I do get the time, I can watch heaps without having to wait for weeks to watch the next!

Don't be shy, come and say "Hi" to me in my beauty world, my page welcomes you to the family :)

Love always x

This one time I was pumping gas at the petrol station, a stranger was also pumping gas at the other pump. I always smile at strangers, so I smiled at him. He told me I had a very special and genuine smile. I told him thankyou. Then he told me to never let anyone take that smile away from me. And I think that was one of the sweetest things a stranger has ever told me. It meant a lot.

“How strange it is. We have these deep terrible lingering fears about ourselves and the people we love. Yet we walk around, talk to people, eat and drink. We manage to function. The feelings are deep and real. Shouldn't they paralyse us? How is it we can survive them, at least for a little while? We drive a car, we teach a class. How is it no one sees how deeply afraid we were, last night, this morning? Is it something we all hide from each other, by mutual consent? Or do we share the same secret without knowing it? Wear the same disguise?” - Don DeLillo

Adult realisation: you will make mistakes, you will act irrationally. You will commit some wrongs that cannot be fully righted. People will dislike you and misunderstand you for all sorts of reasons. None of these make you a bad person. All you can do is try your best to be kind and just grow and learn.

Don’t invalidate people’s struggles because you’ve been through worse. If someone is tired after working for 6 hours and you worked for 8, it doesn’t mean that they’re not allowed to be tired. It doesn’t mean they can’t feel what they’re feeling just because you’ve had it worse.

Naps are the worst kind of temptation.. They promise you rest and wellness but leave you with a cloudy headache and an inescapable drowsiness the rest of the day.

Constructive criticism is good criticism, remember that.

I started thinking today, and I realised how many great people are in my life.

And it’s not to say that the great people can completely erase all of the people who make me feel bad or all of the crap situations I have to deal with, but they make them better.

Because at the end of the day, at least someone’s there. At least there are people who try to make me happy and who like to be with me.

At least there’s something like that to give me faith :)

Today while I was thinking about life, it suddenly hit me how long it is. People say life is short, and sure in the long run it might feel like that. But as I was contemplating the fact that the average lifespan is about 80 or 90 years, I thought, “How will I possibly live until then without getting bored? I have already endured so much. If I endure five times more than I already have, I will surely go insane, either from boredom, or from pain, or even both.”

But the only thing I really want out of life is to feel like there is a purpose. How do people live their entire lives without not wanting to die? I am not saying this in a morbid or, “life sucks I really don’t want to live anymore” way. It’s just that, from now on, I want my goal to be this: I never want to be bored with life as a whole. I want there to always be something that excites me. And when I look back at my life, I want to be able to say that I loved it wholeheartedly - the good parts and the bad. 

I want to be a better me.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I look at myself in the mirror in the morning and dislike who I see or anything. I have just decided that it is time for another milestone in my development.

As most of you know, for the past 2 months, I was really stressed out with the situations and events that have occurred in my life, I find myself being unusually frustrated and hopeless. And I don’t want to be any of those things. I take pride in being a bundle of good vibes and good energies – and being those things make me feel uncomfortable.

I’ve always been the person who people come to, and still do to talk about their problems, or just to have a good talk. Always have been the bubbly, optimistic, and happy person I have been. I believe I am still that person, but there has been situations where I used to be able to ignore these negativity feels and focus on the good to where I have been a “savage”. I apologise because I’m realizing that’s not me. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m not perfect and I’m far from it. I realise that my past experiences in life and things I’ve been through have made me the way I am, and I’m trying to change it for the better.

The fact is, it seems, that the most you can hope for is to be a little less, in the end, the creature you were in the beginning, and in the middle. I am kind, and humble enough to know that I am simply trying to be better than the person I was yesterday. Today I am grateful for all the people that are loving and kind to me.

It feels good to know that my future is in a better place than it was a couple months ago. I’m making great strides towards something big that will not only reward me, it will reward the ones around me in a big way.

When you feel empty, you should do something for yourself. Because the last time I felt this way was when I realised I started living for everyone else. Inattentively. I know it sounds cliche but crap happens. We get distracted by things, whatever it may be, you start to lose perspective, feeling empty and alone. Do things you have to and not because you want to. It just makes you feel like you’re running on empty. So start doing something for you, something that would strictly be exciting. 

I know what it feels like. I know how it feels to love someone so much that you start to believe that you love them more than the way they love you. You constantly feel like you are the only one putting in any effort, and the only one that wants to spend time with them. They do not show you enough, they do not tell you enough, and that is what makes you over think situations. I know how it feels to love, but I also know what it feels like to feel like you are the only one giving it your all and the only one that loves the most. I know what it feels like because I’ve been through it too. 

Meh.

Thinking back, I realised so many of the relationships in my life lack much substance, and I crave so much more. I used to think it was just the people that I associated myself with and that eventually the right people will gravitate into my life, but now I’m thinking that I suck and it’s my own doing for not nurturing my relationships the way that they should be tended to.

I love the fact that I am comfortable enough to be alone. I don’t waste my time trying to seek affirmation from people who don’t care. I don’t mess with people who don’t put in effort. I don’t need other peoples’ presence to feel whole. You want to leave? The door is open.

There’s a lot of unspoken pressure to keep liking the things you used to like and to keep dressing the way you’ve always dressed and to never question what you believe in and basically “be yourself” has slowly morphed into “be what everyone knows you as” but trust me when I say if you just give it up and simply make decisions and take actions based purely on what would make you happy, you’ll gain a very comforting sense of self peace.

Advice.

If there’s one advice I could give to anyone, it’d be that you shouldn’t let anyone tell you what to do. Never let anyone define you as a person. Not your best friend. Not your significant other. Not even a family member.

I always stress the phase, “be yourself.” Because it’s true, you SHOULD be yourself. Why should you live your life to satisfy others when they (probably) aren’t doing the same for you?
The thing that I’ve witness about humans would be that they always want to shape those around into people who just like themselves. But what’s a world with no originality?

Being yourself should never be crime. It should never be shunned and it should never be bashed on. You were born into this world to either 1) make a difference or 2) be the difference.

And in all honesty, ever since I accepted myself, I’ve lived a better life. Even if it meant leaving behind the ones who couldn’t accept me, for me.

"If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what. So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions."

Tip of the day: It's okay to be alone.

Over a period of time, you will realise the people around you, have to leave, by choice or by death. Whether you like it or not, you have to face things alone.

It's okay to be alone. Sometimes I put in my earphones, have my favourite playlist blasting all day long and just forget the world and its happenings.

It's okay to be alone. We do need friends and companions. But reserve some quality time for yourself.

It's okay to be alone. Being alone is healthy. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by others.

It's okay to be alone. We all have that particular time where we really need to be alone.

Being alone simply means happily alone, not miserably alone. There is no better time than now for you to allow yourself to be happy. It is time to embrace yourself and all that you have to offer.

Be alone; give yourself the chance to learn about yourself, expand your soul and allow yourself to grow. Enable each chapter of your life to help you become a better you.

But remember to walk out of that me space when you've had enough of alone-time.

Sometimes it is a lot easier to write out how you feel than to tell someone about it.

The older you get, the more you understand how your conscience works. The biggest and only critic lives in your perception of people's perception of you rather than people's perception of you.

When I say I am ugly.

I’m serious.
At times, don’t get me wrong, I think I’m a bit decent looking. But overall, I think I’m so unattractive. I’m not fishing for compliments. They’re so many stunning girls, I can’t even compare. Whatever they do, whether it’s making silly faces, pooping, anything, they’re still pretty while doing it. Fuck. I wish I was more appealing. Honestly. 

Can something last forever?

Is it really possible for someone’s feelings to always stay the same for someone else? Can the things you want to stay permanent, stay the way it is forever? Can we promise something that involves “forever” and not break it? Or is the word “forever” just a term to describe what you want but probably won’t end up getting? 

Today I met him at a little bookshop.

He had the most glistening beautiful brown eyes. A man with intellectual thoughts and wisdom. He was well mannered, yet unexpected. What was it that made him stand out? Was it the accidental fate of meeting him at a bookshop? Or was it the fact that he enjoyed reading?
It was both.

"It's okay."

I have the tendency to always say this when someone apologises to me. Even when it’s not okay, I still say it. Why? Because I don’t want to push the situation further and further. I don’t want to make it worse than it has to be. But you know what? It’s not okay. What you did, it’s not okay and I’m not gonna pretend that it is anymore. I know that sometimes it’s best to forgive and forget, but sometimes maybe it’s best to just forget.

My friend and I were talking about how we’re both depressed and she was saying how the only real distraction and ultimately the only thing that makes anything worthwhile is harbouring intimate and honest relationships not just with lovers who but with friends and she’s right. Feeling and experiencing love and all the things it entails, is the only distraction that makes living feel worthwhile.

Before I die, I want to finish what I have started.

I want to live until I am fully satisfied and tired of living. I want to finish university and be successful. I want to live to see my first child in my arms. I want to cry. I want to smile. I want to hurt. I want to feel. I want to love and hate. I want to feel all of me before I am gone. I want to tell everyone what I have always wanted to tell them. I want to write letters. I want to explore. I want to live life to the fullest. I want to help other people. I want to be the light that would make them open their eyes to positivity. 
I want to make a difference. I want to leave a legacy.

Be there for yourself.

Because at the end of the day, you’re always going to be alone. You have nothing but yourself. The people that say they’ll always be there for you when you need them, isn't always going to be there. And the ones who say they will never hurt you, probably will. That’s exactly why you should never depend or rely on anyone else but yourself. You have no one but you. You’re on your own.

1st of November!

When something is over, it can never start again.

When something is broken, you can never put back the pieces together.

Life is not always the way you want it to be.

When you know that something hurts you so much, just stop. We know that it hurts a lot but you must learn to let it go.

Don't push yourself too hard, because we all know that in every ending there's such a thing that we call.. a "NEW BEGINNING".

Afterstage.

Lately I feel so unmotivated.

• Idiotic.
• Depressed.
• Tired.
• Frustrated.
• Restless.
• Uninspired.
• And disappointed.

I know that this isn't one of the brightest lists, but nothing leaves me content anymore. I guess this is just a phase, but I feel useless, as though the world ran out of things and for me to have fun like I need to do rebellious things.

The truth? I miss everything. I miss him, I miss her, I miss them, I miss that, I miss this and now I just miss the fact everything used to be so carefree.

Just when things were getting better, the worst was waiting around the corner.
Although I still have my true friends who have always been like my 2nd family, as selfish as this is, I still don’t feel satisfied. It’s not the fact that they don’t try to keep me positive, it’s just that the negative seems to power through.

I’m struggling and you left me when I needed you most.
Unforgivable. You were the only one I wanted to stay.

I’m looking at the sky
and I’m hoping that
from wherever you are,
you’re looking at it too.

I’m always attracted to that bad boy type and have this naive thought that I’d be the girl they would change for, but really, I know they’re up to no good.

I never thought it would be me....

I never thought it would be me.
Crying every night.
I never thought it would be me.
Not caring whether I lived or died.
I never thought it would be me.
Smiling even though I just want to cry.
I never thought it would be me.
Caring what others thought of me.
I never thought it would be me.
That when i looked in the mirror I am disgusted at myself.
I never thought it would be me.
Hoping it all would end.
I just… Never thought it would be me…

Every single person you know has something in their life and past that is probably worth collapsing to the ground in an uncontrollably sobbing heap over, so be nice to each other and tell good jokes.

Life cleansing tips:

- Delete conversations between people you no longer talk to. It is healthy to let go of the past and not letting yourself dwell on things.

- Say kind things about people you like. Say good things about yourself. Don’t speak or think about people you don’t like.

- Look in mirrors. you shouldn’t be afraid of facing yourself.

- Allow yourself time to feel and grow. Don’t be too hard on yourself for crying, you need to vent in order to move on to better times. Even rainy days work towards sunny days.

- If things don’t work out, stop forcing them. There’s no reason for you to keep working and failing if there are other places/people for you to excel and be happy.

- Running away doesn’t always solve everything. Sometimes, the reason that made you run will still be with you. Focus on freeing yourself before starting anew.

Self isolating and then getting upset when you see your friends having fun without you and using this to validate the notion that nobody really needs you or will miss you if you’re gone.

Does it bother anyone else that there are parts of your life you don’t remember? You have done and said things that you don’t even know about anymore. That means you don’t even have the right perception of yourself because you don’t even fully know who you are. However, something that you’ve forgotten about could be a prominent memory in somebody else’s mind. It trips me out.

To be honest

I have a hard time talking about my feelings and thoughts because, one, I really don’t want to burden anyone with my problems, two, I don’t trust that people will listen without any preconceived judgments, and three, I don’t expect anyone to understand. Also, it should go without saying that these things are meant to be confidential, but for some reason, people like to talk.

So here’s a shout out to the people that ask “are you okay?” and “what’s wrong?” not because they’re curious, but because they actually care. I don’t like to be needy all the time and I’ve learned how to handle problems on my own, but that little reassurance that I’m not alone is definitely always welcome. I know that talk is cheap, and “I’m here for you” is such a cliché comfort line, but to the people who have proved over and over again that I don’t have to keep everything to myself, and that it’s good to let things out every once in awhile… thankyou. Thankyou so much, and I can only hope that I’m as good of a friend to you as you are to me. 

Have you guys ever had that feeling of never being good enough for your parents to be proud of you?

Like no matter how much you try to make them happy they never actually care. Today, somehow I felt that way, I feel like no matter how much their friends compliment me, they still kept a straight face, like they don’t care. And they try any possible ways out there to bring my self esteem down. I try so hard to be a good daughter to them and all they've shown me is they want more. It’s like they’re never satisfied with anything I do. I know that I’m raised in a traditional, asian family but I can’t get their support. Maybe I’m thinking too much but this is how I feel. I guess they just take the stuff I do for granted, like they take me for granted. Maybe I don’t really mean to them as much as I did before. I know I’m growing up and all, but that doesn't mean they can stop caring about my feelings. I still need them to walk me through my life and show that they’re proud of how much I've grown. I don’t know about them, but in my eyes I’ll always be their baby girl. 

I never liked you anyway. Or maybe I did. Nothing matters anyway.

As silly as it sounds, I’m afraid to love. I can feel my bones shake and tremble when the subject of love gets brought up. I’m afraid to jump in, head on and love fearlessly and carelessly.. The thought of trusting someone so much and to give them all of me, makes me want to hide and never face it ever again. Change is constant and I don’t know if I’m emotionally stable enough to ever deal with it again, no matter how much I want to feel being in love. Lovers come and go, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to let someone in and have the ability to break me. It’s too complex, it makes my mind uneasy to think about how badly I’ve been hurt to be this afraid. It’s sad to know how much damage someone has gone through to be so afraid to experience the best feeling life has to offer..

You think you’re loving too hard in your relationship. You think you’re doing too much. But that’s not it.
It’s that you’re not getting enough in return.
If the person was going just as hard as you were, you wouldn’t feel the need to pull back.
It’s the one sided-ness you feel.
Not the loving too hard.

To be honest, this is the worst.
I pray I will never be in this situation again.

How is it possible to be friends with someone you have a thing for? I mean you flirt and all but you know there's more to it. You remind yourself you’re nothing more than friends just so you don’t feel pressured to be in a relationship. The more you talk, the closer you get but it gets to the point where you want to distance yourself because of the possibility of falling for that person (again). Maybe it's for the best.

When you have a person that is willing to give you their all, don’t take them for granted and give them your all back. When you finally have someone who cares about you a lot, someone who is loyal, someone who will do anything and everything for you, take a step back and realise what you have. Because once they start to realise that you do not deserve any of that and because you do not give it your 120%, they will start to give you less attention and less everything.
So cherish what you have, it can be gone in a blink of a second.

Forgiveness > Revenge

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been that “nice girl.”
But, I’m strong enough to know that I should never let anyone feel like they can belittle me and make me feel like I'm a shadow to everyone else. I’m not the type to retaliate, being raised to believe that revenge never solves anything. Rather than say what’s on my mind at the moment, I choose to let go and move on. Why? Because nothing drives a person who thinks they’re in control of you more insane than kindness itself. So instead of giving them the satisfaction of feeding off your anger, kill them with a smile and move on with your life.

Nothing about living with mental illness has been cute.

It is feeling completely powerless and like my head is a traitor.
It is knowing that I need to work on projects and meet with friends to feel better but only having the energy to stay in bed.
It is pushing away my support systems.
It is putting myself into dangerous situations, like running away from friends at a party or out into the street at night, because I’m breaking down and can’t think clearly.
It is not being able to walk down the street without having a panic attack some days.
It’s the sense of complete lack of control and fear as I realise I am going to breakdown in public, and don’t know where to hide or how to make it stop.
It’s feeling unsafe in any place because my anxiety could take over at any time.
It’s not being able to enjoy moments with my friends because I’m too busy fantasizing about death. It’s not being able to stop crying for hours and sitting on a bed, forcing my body to get up but not being able to leave.
It’s wanting help desperately but not knowing how to ask for it.
It’s crying over trauma from a year ago and not knowing how to explain to others that these things still hurt.
It’s realising that other people don’t have to prepare their days for their mental illness.
It’s exhausting.
It’s draining.
But it is resilience.
It is feeling like there is nothing worth living for when the past week has been same cycle of crying every day but STILL staying alive.
It is continuing to seek out the smallest amount of hope in you and living off it for months.
It is regaining trust in your head after the things it said to you the night before.
It is constantly putting work into yourself.
It is refusing to see yourself as weak.
My mental illness is ugly. It is messy. It’s not cute. 

I am a human being worth knowing and loving.

I have value.

It’s strange and scary how people affect you.

Your personality, your mind, your feelings. But I won’t let anyone do that anymore.
Because why?
I’m great the way I am. I don’t need to change just because someone tells me to. I don’t have to change because they treated me the way they did. I deserve all the happiness and love in the world and I will never, ever let someone else tell me the opposite. I’m alive and I live. I won’t waste my time on people that hurt me. Not. Anymore.

Same late night thoughts.

I really miss the feeling.... of having someone always wanting to hang out with you. Someone always wanting to talk to you. Not even, just feeling like I’m special or really important to someone is enough right now. I want to feel like I’m not always taken for granted, I just want to be first priority for once. No competition. I just want to know what it’s like to have someone defend me when others are talking shit about me to them instead of going along with it or even joke around about it with the shit talker. No. They don’t even have to defend me, just not go along with it at least, even if it's a friend saying it because shouldn’t me being the significant other matter more? Just need that someone I can talk to and know that they’ll always be there for me no matter what time it is or where they are. Instead of making me feel like a pest they don’t want to or have the time to deal with. I miss having someone who will reassure me when I have these insecurities instead of making me feel worse, crazy, stupid or unappreciative. Sometimes I just need a simple reassurance. I miss having someone go out of their way for me whenever they can instead of making me feel clingy and annoying when I do it. There's two in a relationship, not one or three. But then again I’m the one that’s always wrong hey. Guess I’m the idiot.

I sometimes wonder what it’s like to live a different life. Different location. Different people. Different person - a different lifestyle. I wouldn’t mind leaving for a day and waking up to something different. It sounds about good.

I lay on the ground.  Awaiting death.  I look up at the sky.  That was when I understood just how high I once were.  And now I’m at the very bottom, basking in the wisps of suffocation.

My depression is a motivator

in that I often make rash decisions because of it.

For examples, like:
ending relationships/friendships
or chopping my hair
or dying my hair a slightly darker/lighter shade
or applying for as many jobs as I can
or naming my ex-bfs “arsehat” in my phone
or making plans with friends I no longer see/keep in touch
or sending out my “aww I really miss you, let’s meet up soon” texts

I do a lot of things (most things) to avoid death.

For examples, like:
de-activate my social media accounts
or tear up old photos
or take new photos
or powder my self-inflicted bruises
or tell people I love them
or twiddle my thumbs
in a broom closet
until I’m cared for

until I’m dead.

Sometimes I think I’m staying alive for my friends
or maybe to finish uni someday
or maybe for this pot of coffee
or maybe because I haven’t achieved enough yet
or maybe to not make things harder for anyone else
or maybe to read all the books I have bought
or maybe to take that trip
or maybe because if I died now my name would not mean anything
or maybe for myself.

Coming to terms.

I will not get sad,
I will not get sad,
I will shed no tears.
Feel no rain
Taste no rust

For things that
were always going to be
brief.

I feel like once you lose someone you care a lot about - once they walk away from you without a good reason - you stop caring about losing people as a whole. You don’t expect permanence or consistency. You question the motives of the ones who adore you, and you start looking for signs that they too might leave.

I hope all of you heal.

Self-destruction doesn’t always look like taking too many pills or cutting your skin open. Sometimes it’s drinking coffee when you know caffeine gives you panic attacks. Sometimes it is crossing the street without looking both ways. Sometimes it is showering with the water a little too hot. Sometimes it’s avoiding eye contact with your reflection in the mirror or ridiculing your problems rather than addressing them. Sometimes it’s walking out without sunscreen in scorching heat and not wearing enough when it’s freezing outside. Self destruction isn’t always physical mutilation, mostly it’s masked as little things, so never assume what someone may be going through just because they don’t show you visible signs of suffering.

When people go through changes, their priorities don’t stay the same either, and you realise your role in their life.
Personally, I know I can’t blame people for not having time for me or going out of their way for me because I do that with others as well. I’m at a phase in my life where I’m extremely confused and trying to figure everything out. I can’t do that while putting people first but at the same time, putting myself first isn’t helping either. It feels lonely when I take a break from focusing on myself and my future and realise that nobody’s around.

No matter what I do or how much I think I want something, when I pause for a second, I wonder why I pursue any of it because at the end of the day, nothing makes me feel alive.

I know it's only October..

2016 (so far) really redefined the concept of loneliness for me. People always differentiate between being alone and lonely, and they’re right. I don’t want to romanticise this into another boring and predictable post. But no matter how many people are in your life, no matter how many messages you have waiting for you, no matter how many people you make plans with, unless if you click with them, you will find yourself always seeking for more and more company and never being satisfied with who you surround yourself with. This doesn’t mean that you can’t appreciate your current friends. Matter of fact, your friends can be so good to you and you can love them to death but that won’t stop you from wanting something else, something more, something they cannot provide. There’s attributes that only certain people can bring out in you. There’s some conversations that just flow better if you’re in the right crowd. There’s people who inspire each other to be better in a way that others cannot. May next year, 2017 be the year that I find like-minded individuals that I feel like I fit in with. 

Tonight (or more like this morning because it’s 4:30am and I haven’t slept yet) I realised that a lot of the barriers holding me back from being where I want to be are mental. I love knowing how far people have gone because in a sense it inspires me to be better. My logic regarding that is the following: How can you want to be successful if you don’t know what success consists of or what a successful individual looks like? That type of rational where you put a face or an accomplishment to your idea of success can be toxic though. People break boundaries and make breakthroughs all the time and if you think like that, then every time there’s a new ceiling for what being successful means, you will begin to believe that your goal is moving further away from you (because you feel as though you aren’t enough anymore to achieve it) which just isn’t true. When you know better, you do better. Progress is the heart of opportunities. And believing in yourself is the heart of progress. The definition of success will always fluctuate but that doesn’t make it intangible.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I will amount to anything more than struggle and lost potential.

Always reaching for what you can never touch is how you learn to never settle and never be satisfied.
Ironic how the good and the bad sprout from the same seed.

New theory -

Recently, I’ve been meeting the best guys who possess all the qualities that I want in a man, and it’s so ironic and dumb on my part because even when they show interest, I always mess it up somehow. Then when another guy peaks my interest, I realise how much I romanticised the last guy and I’m sure that me making a fool out of myself in front of all these men is me learning a lesson so that one day when a guy actually is as great as I think he is, I don’t fck it up.

I’ve convinced myself from past experiences that I will never have something good, so much so that even if I’m presented with an opportunity to go after something, I just give up before trying because I know that even if I acquire it, it will be taken away from me. I will never get to keep something good, I guess it just isn’t written for someone like me.

I’ve come to the point I have accepted I am not going to be in a romantic relationship. It’s just not going to happen for me. For now at least I know I’m ready to put it aside for good for awhile. No more wondering. No more worrying about guys wanting to date me and what to do. I’m just done with all of it. I’m leaving it where it is. I’m so thankful for what Life has given me. I have good friends and an amazing family. I’m already really blessed. This is my time to grow and to serve others.

You see, I love love, but don’t think it’s good for me anymore.

This time, for good.

When you’ve been depressed for so long, there’s no way to tell what feeling okay is like. There is no neutral feeling, only how you have always felt and how miserable it has made you. And after enough breakdowns, there is the overwhelming sense that no matter how much growth you go through, your depression will find you. That feeling is so defeating and fuels the already-present idea of there being no point in trying. There have been too many times that I’ve been completely exhausted and lost and felt like I had no energy to do basic tasks, let alone battle my own head to stay alive.
I’m saying this here because I wish someone said this to me: if you’re fighting through depression, every day you’re alive is an achievement. It’s okay to struggle. You’re not weak for having a hard time with day-to-day activities. It’s okay to not be able to answer texts, or shower, or leave your bed for a period of time. Sometimes just existing is hard enough. I feel you.
Also: whatever your head’s telling you about yourself, you’re powerful and strong and capable of great things.
And you’re not alone. 
Living with mental illness has been mostly a draining fight for me but every time I get through another breakdown, I am always so damn thankful my head didn’t win. You go. I’m proud of you.

I have realised there are certain things, that will never happen to me; no matter how hard I work, believe in myself or want them. They simply don’t happen to people like me because they weren’t written for me. It’s so hard to convince yourself you are deserving when you know failure and the feeling of not being good enough like the back of your hand.

Little Miss Sensitive

always cry in the corners
always complaining about her bloody tongue
always shouting LEAVE ME ALONE then creeping into your head to see if you’re thinking about her

Little miss sensitive doesn’t want the title of “girl” anymore
doesn’t want to feel so little
doesn’t want to miss everything
yes, everything

little miss sensitive can’t believe everyone is trying to get away from her
if she could leave
oh you’d see
the distance she’d put between her and herself
the number of locks she would put on the door
just to be safe
just to be sure that she never saw little miss sensitive again.

The bottom line is if they really desired to, they could have stayed and made it work but they didn’t.
That’s all it comes down to at the end of it.

Sometimes you become really fond of a person and even grow to love them but mostly due to the fact that they filled a hole in your life at a time where there was something missing. The situation and timing made them mean exponentially more to you than they normally would have. So, if both of you ever part ways and you think you always cared more for them than vice versa, just remember that their personal situation and time were different than yours, and that you may not have played the same role in their life that they played in yours. 

I feel like I used to be so smart and intelligent but all that has been smothered with the depression and unhappiness I am currently struggling with. I’m trapped inside a mind that I no longer recognize and there are multiple volcanoes erupting rapidly which are destroying my thoughts and mind-set.
It’s actually scary.

Do you ever get into an argument with someone and find yourself unable to speak for a moment because you’re just so blown away by how utterly wrong and ignorant the other person is being and you can’t understand how anyone could actually believe the things they are saying.

I hate knowing that people that ruined parts of me still live and function like nothing ever happened.

I think it’s so funny how inconsiderate people can be sometimes.

I’ve been in situations where I’ve put those around me, before me; and for some odd reason, that always backfires. Since when was it wrong to be there for friend? Since when was it wrong to let a friend confide in you because you’re the only one that understands the situation? I swear, people can be so damn ignorant.

That thought of not graduating... for some time strikes again (and over and over again)

This evening, I went to another close friend of mine graduation - she finally finished her undergraduate degree and now she's onto her masters! I feel so proud of her :') then I see all the other graduates there, all happy, celebrating and their parents all dressed up, looking proud for their sons/daughters: seeing this scene - my heart ached. Truly ached because that will never be me. It may be (trying to be hopeful here) but just not anytime soon. Neither do I know when, to be honest.

I've been seeing all the photos and posts from people I left high school with, in combination with attending friends' graduations, they talk about the wonderful lives they are about to begin in their new careers, and every time I see them, it brings tears to my eyes and just made me feel like I am a complete failure. I just feel like I'm this huge fck up that wonders every night to why I'm still making an effort to be alive.

It sucks to be the person that isn't graduating on time. It really does sucks. Neither am I lying and tell you it doesn't. My parents always asked: "You did well in highschool; so why couldn't you make it out in four years of university like you was supposed to?" A complete failure, they say. I agree.

I took a break from uni last year, in hope for healing and recovery.
Now, I recently decided to discontinue my study.
As most of you know, I was diagnosed with mental illness (depression and PTSD to be exact) last year. Unfortunately, I have not been able to manage my condition ever since.
Mental illness carries a stigma behind it. It’s a silent illness, it can strike anyone at anytime.
I (We) get so good at hiding it because I don’t want to share the pain. Even till now, I still get ashamed seeking for help. That is why only (in real life) a few of you knew about my condition and even fewer knows the severity of it.
A lot of things had happened between last year and this year. I have done a lot of thinking, I also have made a lot of changes to my lifestyle. I actively seek for any form of comfort so I could manage my illness better. Though I really don't know what the path I'm on now will take me but I believe Buddha has a greater plan.
This is dedicated to the friends that turned into family whom are always there no matter what I throw at them. I cannot express how thankful I am to have known you. I have had strong urges to commit suicide in the past and believe me, you are the reason why I am still here right now.
There is no regret. If not because of the illness, I would not be able to realise the beauty of the simplest things in the world.
This is not a cry for pity. This is simply to raise awareness that mental illness can happen to anyone even the ones who you never thought would. I never wished this would happen to anyone.

It was hard for me to get to this point (now) and in no way would I consider myself as "fully recovered". Since last year, I went round and round in circles. Relapse, hospital, get better, go home, relapse…. And so the cycle repeated.

After that traumatic experience, I literally felt like (and still do) I lost everything that meant something and in losing those thing, I lost myself. All this reinforced the lies my illness feed me.
What reason did I have to make changes? I had nothing left in my life - what was I fighting for?
But that wasn’t a life I ever wanted. I didn’t want hospital admissions. I didn’t want unnecessary looks and judgements from family, friends and other people to view me as a a sick person, weak and an attention-seeker. What was my alternative option? I couldn’t see a clear alternative and that was terrifying. I grew to understand this new ‘life’ of hospitals. A life away from education and friends. Nurses became my friends and family and hospital bed felt safer than my own bed. I had already lost a life I knew. I didn't believed I would survive.

Last year... I had nothing. Because my mental health stole everything.

I have a life now. A life that I don’t know the destination of, but it’s one with some sort of purpose. I have a life in which I have commitments so I can’t overdose whenever. I have a life in which I don’t want to self harm at all.

I’m not 'recovered’, I thought I did but it was just self-denial all along. An endless cycle..

I’m me and I’m a person who can survive in the world IF I choose to. Yes, each day is a battle to find energy and motivation, but I would pick this life over the life that was keeping me trapped and in hospital any day.

I'm sure I'll solider on, but right now I needed to get this off my chest.

Last night, my friend took my phone and started messaging my old crush, pretending it was me and at first I was god damn near having a panic attack and felt like I needed to set myself on fire but the more she messaged him, the more I remembered how boring he was and I couldn't remember why I liked him in the first place. Now I am glad she did it because I no longer feel sentimental about some random dude from the past.

I just want to know what it feels like to not constantly feel like a failure.
I'm sorry that I'm a failure. 
Nothing makes me happy anymore - I just consistently feel like I'm empty.

The concept of romantic love doesn’t inspire me anymore :/
Anyways. I’m trying to learn how to be enough for myself.

The problem with living in your own head is that your mind is constantly finding even the most minuscule reasons to be unhappy. Why is my head so against me staying happy? Can people actually stay happy without overthinking themselves out of it? Like does that even exist??? Because lol wow that would be the life.

Every time I gave a fuck, that fuck, fucked me over.

This time, no fucks given.

Me at myself constantly.

Forgive yourself for all time and days/months/years that your mental illness took from you.
Forgive yourself for the days that you couldn’t get out of bed, because not everyone can understand how hard it can be to leave your house when all you want to do is be sleeping in bed all day, and only wanting to do that.
Forgive yourself for that lost time, and know that you can start again at any second. you can make up for that time whenever you decide you want to turn things around.
You can start right now if you want to, and you can keep restarting every morning if that’s what it takes.

You don’t have to lose anymore time. 

1st day of Spring September

It’s easy to express myself on a blog, where my identity is unknown to most. But when it comes to opening up in person, I can hardly ever open up to anyone knowing that people do and will take advantage of me. They’ll use my words, past, and present against me. It’s a scary thought to think that I might put my trust into the wrong people, or end up regretting telling someone how I feel. I guess the only way I can protect myself is to conceal myself. I would rather bottle up my stories than to live with regrets.

There’s something comforting in the fact that nothing’s really permanent. That no matter what I’m going through, who I am, what I think, what’s happening around me, it can always change. Maybe good times don’t last, but at least bad times don’t last either. Maybe I'm unsatisfied with who I am, but I’m not stuck that way.

numb // inability to feel much of anything

Feeling overwhelmed and overburdened by life's challenges to the point where I just can't feel anymore. I am really too tired and weary to emote and put on a happy mask every time I am outside in the social circle.

The irony is that antidepressants/anti-anxiety medications used to overcome mood disorders can also cause emotional numbness. My experience gives me a feeling of being flat-lined emotionally. I ain't sad but I also ain't happy. I am simply here and there.

Logically, my mind is telling me that the problem with emotional numbness is that it has made me to avoid all the good emotions like happiness and love. It is like sitting on the curb and watching life pass by without truly living it myself.

Emotional numbness is just like you being sucked into the "big black hole." Once you are in there, it is hard to get out. All you can see is darkness. There is complete nothingness. I felt like people could see through me as though I was a walking spirit. I didn't matter. Nothing mattered and so why feel anything right? I am too tired to feel. And so the days just blended together into one never ending shade of gray.

One of my friends commented that my facial expressions were flat. The interesting thing is that I was not aware of how I appeared. I was too numb to care. On the other hand, to the other people, they may interpret my emotional numbness as being cold or apathetic. Some people may think I don't care anymore about anything, for example, relationships. Others may accuse me of being distant or aloof. They do not understand that this is part of depression. One does not always have to be crying to be depressed. The other thing my therapist picked up on is that when I was telling a sad story from my life, I showed inappropriate affect.  I was discussing my experience with trauma and I would be smiling or even laughing. I wasn't emotionally connected to what I was saying and could not feel the pain. Despite feeling no pain, I found that I am denying myself opportunities to feel good again.

I was replying emails this afternoon, and one of the emails had this question, "Please describe depression for people like me who’ve never been depressed. All the best for your recovery."
I haven't reply the email yet. *to the person who sent me this email - thankyou for the email if you're reading this now* As I was writing this post, I thought I might as well answer here since it's related and I wanted to share with you all too.
So here goes~

Depression is seeing no future (and the inability to construct, envision and dream of a future), and no answer for any of the problems in your life. When you have depression, nothing is enjoyable. Nothing can make you smile. It feels like you’re a ghost... not part of the real world. It’s like drowning ... except you can see everyone around you breathing. Depression to me is like having your mind replaced by another one that makes me feel worthless and numb to life. Depression has stolen my confidence and now I no longer feel I am worthy of anyone’s love. Depression calls me names and makes me have awful thoughts, and there have been many times when depression has won and ended my life many times, but hadn't been successful yet. Depression is a total loss of who you are. You experience multiple emotions: fear, despair, emptiness, numbness, shame, embarrassment and an inability to recognise the fun, happy person you used to be. Depression makes you feel like you’re an actor playing you - one that’s always forced to smile.

Perhaps it’s not possible for you to understand what it truly feels like to have clinical depression unless you’ve suffered from it yourself, but I hoped the above descriptions should give you some indication. If nothing more, I do hope they should make you realise that depression is far far more severe than just “having the blues” or feeling “sad”. It is a soul-sucking illness - one that is so severe that it claims nearly a million lives a year worldwide. So if you know someone who has it, don’t just tell them to “pull themselves together” or to simply “get over it”. Instead, listen to them. Support them. And most importantly, be their friend.

My pursuit to happiness…. when will it begin?

I just want to believe there is a somebody out there just for me.
I just want to believe that I exist to be there for that somebody.

Is that too much and hard to ask for, life?

Or maybe, I am not destined to live and breathe in this world.

Do you ever randomly just think of someone you haven’t spoken to for a while and you wonder how they’re doing and all?

We all forget.

We will all forget the most important things to us. No matter what or whom they are, or what affect they had on our lives, we will forget them. The feelings that they evoked will slowly diminish into the deepest parts of our minds. The reactions they drew from our bodies will fade away until even the slight hints of remembrance are gone. Everything that seems so big to us now will be dead soon. If not physically dead, then it will simply cease to exist in our own minds. Someone else may feel the pain or happiness, depending on what it was, but we will lose it eventually. We will lose it all.

To make us feel smaller, everything about our existence will soon end. Our bodies will die, and with it, so does our personality, our jokes, our laughs, our smiles; our everything will be dead. Memories of us will fade in the backs of others’ minds until they too are also dead, and the rest of us shall die with them. We may stop impacting the rest of the world above us, but we will forever lie with the ones who always mattered to them; whom we really mattered to.

So...
Here’s the hoping that our life is long and enjoyable, for when it’s over, it won’t matter.
Here’s hoping we are left to rest in our graves with the people we love, meaning we let go of the negative grudges and hate we have for people who have hurt us.
Here’s hoping that we are able to find the people who we care about and who care about us before we end up in a ditch together.

Borderline between life and death.

Hello internet friends.. and friends in real life who follow me on here.

Preface: I will try my best to be optimistic and inject some of my dry humour here and there in the following melancholic crisis.

It’s been a while since I’ve written a deep personal blog post. It makes me sad. Actually, a lot of things have been making me sad lately. I have a selection of a few close friends with whom I can always confide in… Yet, intrinsically… I’m falling apart. I have a lot of inner conflicts within myself. I think a lot of it has to do with the idea of what it is I want to do in life.

First things first, if you're new here, you wouldn't have read as far back as last year, or if you're a regular here, you may have read but forgotten, last year (2015) was the worst year of my entire existence. I had a shit year. It was horrible. I felt like I was pushed to hell, an endless pit with no lights can be seen on the end of the tunnel. It was a year that made me want to run and hide in a corner all day long and hibernate for the rest of eternity.

I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) last October. Once upon a time, after what happened to me in May last year, I thought I could talk myself out of PTSD. But every similar action causes a reaction. I was so unstable everywhere I go. I relive and it takes me days to stop panicking. Hospital visits to stop hyperventilating. I chose to not take medicine for several times that I've tried to kill myself so many times, but failed each time. I’ve never felt more distant with reality. I thought to myself, how can I be interested in humans when they are the ones that did this to me?

Trauma permanently changes us. I have learnt that this is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” There is no “back to the old me.” I am different now, full stop.

Last year, I have cried more tears than when I cried in sad scenes in korean/taiwanese dramas. Every fiber of my being collapsed. Each day passed, I drifted through life like a weary soul casting through the motions of living. My soul wandering off the corners of the world, with my fragile bowl of confidence chipping little by little, and little by little, I became a wreck.

Sometimes in life, you experience a series of very unfortunate events. Yes, last year at the end of May, everything went wrong. On top of the trauma comes my self-esteem issues, other things like family issues, fake friends (being bitches and gossipers) and studies; creeped up one by one, everything in my life became a muffled mess. Truth to be told, I was horrible at dealing with stressful situations (I'm better at it now though). Whenever something terrible happens, my internal organs go into meltdown, my mind goes into an emotional overdrive and I find myself sighing heavily and most often on the verge of tears. Only few knew what really happened to me, but this trauma I unfortunately had to experience, was more than stressful. I never knew I would end up being in a situation like it. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had no one to turn to.

I was told by the elders and is a true believer that one cannot fully appreciate happiness without having felt a little sadness in their life. There have been so many times throughout last year when I experienced complete mental breakdown and giving up. There have been countless times when I just wanted it all to end – and yes, my thoughts have turned to the gloomy and dark sides. Death, being one of them.

But you know what? I’m still alive. It hurts, but I’m still alive. What’s life without a good fight right? We can either take the easy way out (death) or we can toughen the fudge up and come out the other end battered and bruised. Besides, I still have yet to try all amazing kinds of food out there before I give up all hope of a happier life.

Life is full of difficult decisions to be made. The question is, how do we ever know if we’ve made the right one? How do we know if our choices will propel us further to where we want to be or completely set us back right at the start? Truth be told, there’s no answer to the question.

Despite the fact that someone else’s life may seem like it’s perfect, you never really know how they’re feeling on the inside. My anxiety has taken control of my every being and it’s making it so difficult to just live life and be happy. I need to stop making excuses for myself and somehow just find the confidence within me. I think a lot of people (and I would assume many of my readers) feel similar to how I’m feeling. That feeling of not being good enough. That feeling of not deserving the good things that have come into your life. 

Well, Internet, that’s just how I’ve been feeling lately. I think I need some hugs.

喜欢上一個人, 卻不知道怎麼愛著一個人。 第六感劝我该放弃这个“想要谈恋爱”观念，因为他值得更好的的对象。我只不过是一个碎玻璃。现在就交给命运决定吧！真的不可以想那么多了！首先要搞定自己才能想其他, 对吧?

I often get emails from people who struggle with self-confidence. It’s heartbreaking to see how someone can put themselves down when they have so much potential. I see it in myself too. I used to have a lot of self-confidence but it was all gone. Now it's slowly coming back by me taking a little step by step each day. And let me tell you, high self-esteem and confidence doesn’t just happen overnight, it’s an ongoing journey and for some, it’s easier. For others, it’s like trying to get from point A to B while being jostled and pushed backwards by a relentless crowd of criticism, doubts and insecurities. Some people might even have just given up completely.
For me, after I lost my self-confidence, I’ve personally gotten so used to talking myself down that it’s just become second nature to me. I never give myself any praise. “I’m not good enough”, “She’s so much better than me”, “I suck”, “I should just give up”, “What's the point of my existence?” These were the thoughts that constantly cloud my mind. It’s poisonous.

So in a nutshell, I'm not sure (at all) where life will take me in terms of my "career", but for now I'm happy. I actually feel like I am taking the steps I need to get to where I want to be. With that being said, I wouldn't be anywhere without the support of my online family - that is YOU.
I wanted to say thankyou to everyone who has taken the time to write to me (either by private messaging me/emailing me/through tumblr and askfm) giving me wonderful words of encouragement; and try to make me feel better about myself.
Whenever I feel like I am not good enough, there always seems to be a little message for me in one of my social media pages telling me how much I have inspired them. I really sincerely appreciate it. I think the best thing that has come from me blogging, uploading videos and putting myself out there is being able to connect with others… I like being able to see a familiar name pop up in my comments or on my social media pages.

And honestly, I really want to tell you in a more personal way how much you guys mean to me. So I have these postcards that I’ve collected from my travels in Taiwan that I was going to keep for memories sake, but instead, I want to send them to you – whoever you are and wherever you are.
So if you guys will accept these postcards, I’d love to write you a personal message of thanks! Please send me your name and address to vymelon11@gmail.com and I’ll shower you with my lame words on a postcard.

Though I sometimes still feel like curling up into a ball and wailing in utter despair, I’ve learned to control my mind to focus on getting things done right now, because we are living in the present, not the past and slowly working for the future.. wherever that may be. It’s a lot more productive than allowing myself to succumb to depressing thoughts.

I think a lot of people are so caught up trying to put up the “perfect” image of themselves that they forget that it’s OK not to be perfect. We’re human. We feel things that sometimes are not ideal.

Anyways, it’s time for me to live another day?

Here’s to new chapters.
Velene xoxo

Someday....

I want to write an entire journal about my life. All the highlights, the ups and downs things that happened. Never writing specific details about who I am, or where I live or giving any allusions as to where I can be found.

Giving a little of myself away, I want to leave it in the middle of the sidewalk far away from where I am situated. And I want someone to find it and read it and enjoy it and be able to relate to it. I want the person who reads it to smile and cry and experience the emotions that I felt as I was writing it. Because I want someone out there to experience my life, my mind in my shoes by traveling besides my thoughts like cars on a freeway.

I’m afraid I’m not the type of person who can easily forget and let go because I don’t do things half-heartedly. There’s no gray area. I either bare all or I don’t at all.

And sometimes I cannot help but to wonder - Am I writing to remember, or to get rid of these memories? 

The stages of recovery

It is a vicious cycle I tell ya..

Stage 1: 

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Stage 2: 

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in this same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Stage 3: 

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I fall in… it’s a habit… but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Stage 4: 

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Stage 5:

 I walk down a different street. 

I really hate it when someone makes me second guess myself.

I don’t know whether it’s a good or bad thing.. I mean, it makes me think of the possible outcomes and it makes me be more cautious about my decisions. But I hate it. I hate how I can’t just go with the flow and see where life leads me itself.

We have all experienced something that makes us want to disappear.

Things that can ruin our moods and feelings. Things that make us feel worthless. Things that makes us go crazy and insane. Which leads to depression, which leads to suicidal thoughts. And if by any chance you are feeling as if you want to commit suicide, please don’t. Because I want you to clear out these thoughts. I want you to abolish yourself of this idea that you’re meaningless, that you are worthless. Clear your mind.

If you ever feel the need to commit suicide, I want you to know that: I want you to be content with yourself. I want you to learn how to love life. I want you to live everyday like it's the end of the world. I want you to love yourself. I want you to get everything you deserve. I want you to be happy and I want to see you smile. That gorgeous smile you have, I want you to use it. I want to hear you speak, I want to get your responses, I want to talk to you, and I want to help you. I want to hear you speak relentlessly. I want to know how your day went. I want to know everything that made it worthwhile. I want you to dump the idea that suicide is the only way out because it’s not. I want you to see that you are worth it, that you have a bright future ahead of you. I want you to see yourself because you’re darn amazing and you need to see that you’re meant for amazing things in life. I want you to write stories, to write down your feelings, to vent. I want you to spill out your thoughts, because I am here for you. I want you to let me know how you feel. I’ll listen, I promise because I genuinely care. I want you to succeed in life and be great. I want you to wake-up and realise the truth in everything I’m saying to you. I want you to have hope and believe. To believe that tomorrow will be a better day for you, and I want you to wake up tomorrow with a fresh new start. Take a deep breath and make it worthwhile. I want things to get better for you.

I just want to see you genuinely smile, I want you to survive, I want you to live.

When we fail, we might be tempted to think that we have wasted our time and thus regret it. But the fact that you have done something is much better than doing nothing.

Sometimes I don’t know what to think or do because I’m just so lost inside. Whenever you think your life is perfect there’s always going to be a obstacle in the way. Maybe it just a way to tell you that life is never perfect, all you can to do is learn to how to move on.

Start with yourself.

You have to be mentally, emotionally, and physically ready for a relationship before you can jump right in. Learn to be patient; don’t rush into something you’re not ready for. Adopt the right state of mind. Tell yourself “I need to be a better me before I can put effort into being a better us.” Things will only turn out wrong if you start something you aren’t prepared for..

Sometimes it is okay to remind yourself who you are when you get scared with insecurities. It’s okay to say, "hey, I’m amazing and kind and talented."
It’s okay to give yourself the confidence you need to face what you fear.
It’s good to know who you are and be able to stand on your own two feet in that.
Don’t let anyone else make you feel anything other than what you are.
You remind yourself.
Don’t forget who you are.
Keep being that person.
You are loved.

It just struck me one day, a question that has bothered me for quite some time now — If I died one day, unplanned and uncalled for, would I be able to survive in your memories?
If I have already disappeared off the face of the earth, taken a stairway to where the untouchable lights are, would you remember me as if I was still around?
If you were to wake up one random morning to unlock your phone, only to see that you have received no new messages from me today, because I couldn't call or text you anymore, would you wait impatiently staring at the clock as it tick tocks and repeats, for some type of contact from me, like I do for you?
If one day, I was no longer here to pick fights with you, play the silent treatment game, or fuss about all the little problems we have. Would you maybe, think about turning back the hands of time, only to rescue me from all those sleepless nights?
If I were to exit from your life completely, would you forget my existence or would you search around all the corners of the world, seeing hope in someone’s back view just because their hair looks similar to mine?
And that is my question.
Life is short, and full of unexpected surprises. Sometimes it doesn't have to be death for someone to realise what they had before they lose it all, it could just be a I’m done type of decision. Either way, I could only hope that I have made a big enough impact in your life, an impact strong enough to be missed by you even when I’m gone.

There is something very important about being open; to be able to share your heart with another human being, to pour out your honest thoughts - unsifted, unedited - is part of how we process and grow. Don’t keep it all to yourself. The good or the bad. It’s good to open up without fear or pressure about how you find the words to say it aloud. There is something deeply connecting about being heard in complete authenticity.

If you haven't seen from my snapchat updates, my voice has finally come back!!! It feels amazing to talk again after like what, 9 days of muteness since I came back from my holidays, life was hard I tell ya XD haha. Though I can talk now, I still have my cold to recover from, hopefully *fingers crossed* all will be well before weekend for work!

Today’s mental health reminder: a relapse, a sudden series of attacks, a string of awful days, (or whatever your step back may be) does not decrease your value.
Take your time, do some self care, reflect on the progress that you have made.
You are strong; one step back is nothing when you look at the journey you have already made.

I used to get so sad when I realised just how much everything has changed. The dynamic with all of my friendships have definitely shifted, and I used to wallow in self-pity that nothing’s ever going to go back to how it used to be and I couldn’t do anything about it.

… but I’ve realised now that, that’s just life. I can’t be angry that things are different because that’s how life happens. It’s immature and childish to play victim when all we’re trying to do is grow up.
I want so bad for everyone to succeed, and if I get to play a role in helping someone achieve their dreams by offering my friendship, then that makes me happy.
If someone I love needs to grow on their own to achieve their goals and forgets me on the way, then yea, I’ll be a little sad, but I’ll still be happy for them because in the end, they succeeded.

I’m the kind of friend that’ll always be there for you even if we haven’t spoken in months. If you come to me when you feel like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, I will listen and I will comfort you.

If you drop by just to say hi and ask how life’s going, I will reciprocate with just as much love and affection. Other than that, I will quietly appreciate and admire how differently everyone’s growing.

Within the past year, I’ve learned that, at this age especially, you cannot expect for everyone to stay in your life the same way they’ve been for the past couple of years. This is the age where we need to be selfish to figure ourselves out… what we want to do, where we want to be, and how we want to achieve it.
Whether or not everyone stays for the ride, I’m just gonna do me.

You might not be in control of what happens in your life, but you are in control of how you will react to the hardships that are thrown at you. If you’re not content with your life, change it, better it, keep it moving. Shit does happen, but it’s not an excuse to use every time something bad occurs. Only you have the ability to transform your life.

I wish my eyes were like a camera.

If they were like a camera, I would be able to take pictures of everything from my very first breath to present day in my life. Everything I've been through, all the mistakes I've made, lessons learnt and so on. I'd store all these pictures in my head and record my life. Then I’d be able to look at my life from an external perspective. And last but not least, before I die, I would rewind my whole life from the beginning to the end, replaying my whole life in my head before my last breath.

Fading away.....

Doesn’t it hurt when the conversations with your friends die? Whether it’s best friends, good friends, or just people you hang out with, they just tend to disappear from your life and you have no idea why. It hurts to see the people you love become just a memory no matter how good the times you had together.... everything just fades away.

I want to be like a child again.

I want to be secured again, to be fearless and full of confidence, to not be stressed over constantly trying to get the highest grades, to not be full of regrets, full of pain, I want to go back to feeling that happiness by just watching my favorite cartoon and colouring in my colouring book and not have to worry about what some low life bitches thinks of me nor cry over some douche.

Being able to find someone you click with so naturally is the best feeling ever. You feel like you’ve been best friends for your whole life, it feels like you’re coming home. You’re so comfortable with them. Maybe that’s what a SOULMATE is. Not someone who shares every single thing in common with you, but someone who feels like home.

I think the worse thing you could ever hear from a friend is them telling you that they feel like they are not a good enough friend to you when they have done so much for you.. They don’t see what you see in them, their strong spirit and their kind heart. It hurts to hear they feel worthless and a waste of space and nothing you say or do will make them see or change the way they think.

There is a point where you can’t communicate any longer with another person because their head is so far up their butt they can’t see their own self-righteousness or hear anything you have to say. Sad.

Alohaaa everybody! I'm baack from Taiwan, here's the post I wrote on facebook :)

"I am missing Taiwan already :') 這段旅程遇到了好多人事物 也學了好多東西! Went solo travel on the last day and I realised: 

(a) I'm free to adventure as I please, and it feels awesome (yes it's awesome too when travelling in a group), there is no need to compromise when travelling alone. Travelling alone gave me the choices of travelling to where I want, when and however I want to – all with a liberating degree of indulgence; and (b) gained a deep understanding of the destinations I’ve visited. I felt like I feel more immersed in my surroundings. I noticed the unique quirks, and subtle character that truly makes a place what it is. And and and and!! Got to meet 炎亞綸 Aaron Yan in real life and shook his hands omg!🙈 Transit-ing in KL right now and will be back in Perth soon. 就快回到快節奏的生活 是時候從夢中醒來了 為下一次的旅程而努力 加油😂 Will be editing travel vlogs and be uploading them on youtube when I go back!"

Can't believed the past 17 days had gone so fast! 

And also from fb:

"Did some reflecting over the trip and decided to write them down. I only see the end but often neglect the process. There is much to be experienced even if the end isn't ideal. I will stop giving up before even trying. I guess sometimes it's the journey that counts. Work on things within my capacity and not worry about what is beyond my control. Know that at least I tried. (How hard should I try; I've yet to figure out) Maybe life doesn't have to be a struggle. Accept that some things are not meant to be. Letting go. 旅行的心情 - 因為生活太匆忙 總是只能在旅行的時候才能放慢腳步慢慢觀察眼前的人事物 然後認識不一樣的自己 也許想法會改變 也許會對事情改觀 我也在這次的旅程中找到新的想法。"

I have learnt A LOT while travelling, all in - the conference and post camp itself.

Anyways,  I shall leave it here for now, gotta go back and start editing my travel vlogs :) 

I'll be back posting regularly from now on too :)

Love,

Velene xoxo

I’ll be 22 soon.

Looking back, 21 was a real big deal. I fought so much. I grew up a lot. It felt like a mid-life crisis. I pushed so much people away.

And what more special this year is that I'm spending it with no mega celebration, currently in Taiwan for a Buddhist camp (for those who don't know - follow me on my snapchat for most current updates)!

Snapchat - @veleneeee

I'm vlogging during my travels here, so keep your eyes peel for upcoming series on my YouTube channel :) x

PS. I will get back to answering all your questions when I come back :)

PPS. I will be back blogging regularly when I come back too hehe :) x

Love,
Velene xoxo

It’s important to make people see you the way you see you. I know I’m not perfect, but I want to be original.

When we fail, we might be tempted to think that we have wasted our time and thus regret it. But the fact that you have done something is much better than doing nothing.

A reminder to be present today. You aren’t where you were last year and you’re not where you’re going to be next year. Trust yourself in this moment to take yourself where you need to be.

A reminder to be present today. You aren’t where you were last year and you’re not where you’re going to be next year. Trust yourself in this moment to take yourself where you need to be.

You will find peace with whatever is tormenting you right now. Soon it will become a part of your past and only that.

Like a year ago today, I would not have imagined myself where I am and valuing the people that I do and that is so comforting to know that next year I will have learned and grown even more.

When we fail, we might be tempted to think that we have wasted our time and thus regret it. But the fact that you have done something is much better than doing nothing.

"I heard things about you."

Okay just because you heard shit doesn't always mean it’s true. It could and could not be true. You don’t know if people just made it up to make me look bad or twisted words around to the story. So before you start judging me from what you heard from someone else , you should learn to not always believe what you heard.

Everyone has a different story.

All the people that you've known well throughout your life or someone who just walked past today, has an inside life story.
I might be the one who smiles often, the one who looks so carefree and happy but.. I'm not what I seem on the inside. I have horrible days where my life is just fcked up, I have those moments that only I can see and feel; and the funny thing is that no one knows.
So I wonder if other people out there are disgusing themself; looking completely different to how you actually feel inside.
Afterall, everyone has a different inside story, you just dont know what it is :L

When I see 11:11 on the clock, it’s not like I wish that everything will be okay in an instant or I wish I could find the fastest way to be successful. I know it’s a slow and long process. I don’t even exactly wish for things to be back how it started, it’s just a flood of longing that I can’t seem to get into words within those few moments whenever I have to make that wish. It’s too much feelings to untangle. Maybe that’s why nothing happens no matter how many times I've caught that time.

Imagine what your life would be like if you didn’t let go of any of the people you were afraid to let go of. You would be so small. Growth comes from movement, from stepping away from what you know. Every person that you had to let go of is pushing you forward by not being there. 

I'm not one of those girls.

I’m not one of those girls that gets all the attention. The perfect body, the perfect smile, the cute voice. I’m not one of those girls that are good at hiding their flaws, the ones that are good at sweet talks and flirting.
I’m not one of those girls that has the nice style and the nice looks.
I’m one the girl that tend to be really insecure about themselves. The girl that’s always in the corner hiding, I’m the girl that’s scared to show others' her real self. 

I think everyone needs a friend who is that one contact in your phone that you wouldn't hesitate to call when you’re laying in bed with millions of thoughts rushing through your head. A friend who you don’t have to talk to on the daily basics or see them as often, but you guys both know that you can go to each other for anything.
And I'm so glad I don't have just one, but four friends who are there :')

The "Attached" Stage.

I hate it when you get too attached to someone.
So attached to them that you start having feelings for them, and next thing you know you love them. But you never have the guts to ever tell them because you’re scared they won’t feel the same way. But when they have a new person in their life, you regret not telling them. After that you start to give up on that one special person because you’ve been ignored by them. A little while later, you start thinking about how much you loved that person and then the feeling of regret comes back to you.
Always remember, making the first move might turn into the best move you will ever make.

Honestly.

The decisions I make in my life are nothing for you to take into consideration, because clearly none of them concern you. My decisions are based on reasons that you’re obviously too ignorant to even bother understanding.

Is it just me or is it so cute when you see someone who has been single for so long, finally settle down with someone great and they seem to be completely in love. I don’t know, I find that so adorable!

I grew out of “I never text first” phase since I realised nothing was wrong with showing someone you care about them more than your pride. But if I have done it repetitively all the time and I can see you don't give a care, then f**k you, you're outta my life.

I don't open up easily.

Unless I am close to you. The only time I will express myself is when I’m angry. I can’t put my thoughts and feelings into words. I hate it when people ask me to be more open because I can’t, I don’t know how to. And this is mainly why I screw everything over because people never really know how I feel. Even my mum gets mad at me because I don’t show emotion and talk about my “feelings” unless I’m mad.

My dad told me once to never date anyone who talks smoothly around you from the start because if someone likes you they should be a little nervous and honestly I think that’s some of the best advice anyone has ever given me.

Self-absorbed, self-focused, selfish people hurt people.

If you are the most important thing to you, hells yeah you may get what you want all the time but you’ll lose people. Relationships of value take putting others needs before your own sometimes. By always putting yourself first you show what and who is most important. Don’t be that person. You’ll ultimately be the one who misses out. They’ll go find someone who does care and move on past your crap.

I don’t want to be judged by others, but yet I still put myself out there. I don’t want to disappoint others, but at the same time I want to do what I want to do. I don’t want to get hurt, but yet I still want to be loved and to give love.

I’ve been so torn between a lot of things. My heart has been heavy. Still.

I’m constantly wearing this mask to hide how I really feel. It’s just easier to smile than to explain why you’re sad. It’s easier to hide your crying with hysterical laughter. But the truth of it all is that all you want is for someone to come and rescue you, but they just never show up.

It’s not hard to tell who your true friends are.

Rather than being jealous, true friendship is a manifestation of being proud and genuinely happy for each other when good things happen. True friendship flaunts selflessness; you get what you give, and that includes being there for each other during the highs and lows. True friendship is being honest and letting each other know that there’s a problem and fixing it without announcing it to the world.

“Best friends” is just a title. There’s no meaning behind it if you can’t act like one. Step outside your shoes and be more aware that your self-indulgence is a bit taxing.

In other words… your need to be the center of attention is annoying as shit and you’re a horrible friend lol, please reevaluate yourself. 

Don’t know how I expect to not be a huge disappointment to others when I’m even a huge disappointment to myself.

Wow my negative thoughts are so prevalent during the daytime that at night, I’ll have dreams so vivid about them and I’ll wake up wondering whether or not they actually happened.

I hate that feeling of needing someone because depending on someone sets you up for pain. but god, how I need someone to be there for me. right now.

When I date someone at this point in my life. I’m not dating them just to say I’m dating someone. I’m dating them with the intent to build, progress and have a romantic partnership. If somewhere along the lines it doesn’t work out, fine. But they’ll never be able to say I didn’t try to grow with them.

In 10 years, I wonder who is still going to be by my side.

I hate when people talk to you on facebook, text, etc. but when they see you in person it’s a whole different story. They walk by you like they don’t know you when you clearly saw them look at you. They can’t even say hi or anything. You can’t even talk to me in person but you can talk to me behind a computer screen?

Sometimes... when I think, I feel like I’m missing something.

But then I realise I am actually missing something.

I don’t understand what’s so bizarre about the concept of a girl not wanting to be in a relationship because she’d rather focus on other things. Since when did falling in love, getting married, and having kids become prerequisites for a happy life and a successful future?

To be honest, I was a very dependent person before uni. When I got to uni, I grew to the stage where I become more independent and I've been growing up to be that someone who knows how to do things on her own, and not relying on others. I mean who says I can’t be happy without it? It’s not like I don’t have healthy relationships in other areas of my life. I've got great friends and a family that cares about me.

I mean I believe that some people are meant to be together, get married, and end up having a family.
But even if that wasn't me, I’d be fine with that too.