I should write.
But all the passion inside me,
has been burned out.

It’s so easy for people to say ‘just stop worrying’.
But when you have over a gazillion thoughts running through your head all at once it’s so much harder to 'just stop worrying’.

I write about love like I know it so well, but to be honest, love and I have never officially met.

I didn't care enough.

That was my problem. People slipped through my fingers like sand, hobbies became a thing of the past, dreams were for people with hope and love belonged to those who deserved it. And I guess I didn’t care enough to deserve any of those things.

My veins bleed ink and my soul breathes deep.

And sometimes I cannot help but to wonder... if writing is supposed to be therapeutic, then why do I constantly feel like I’m ripping open my skin with animalistic claws? Am I writing to remember, or to get rid of these memories?

Do you ever feel like you’re waiting for something that isn’t ever going to happen? Like, you’re basing all your decisions on ‘if’s, ‘maybe’s, and uncertainty?

And sometimes, no matter how much you want to get up and leave, theres’s something that draws you back, to continue waiting. Perhaps it’s all the time you’ve already spent on something, and to lose that suddenly, for nothing, seems kind of pointless. But, why continue wasting time?

It’s like, waiting at a train station, for a train that doesn’t stop at this particular location, but something keeps you attached to waiting here. As if one day, the train will change course.

You want to leave, desperately wish to go, but still hopelessly believe that an alternative is possible. The train will change course, to a better one.

But, what should happen if the moment you’ve gone, the train makes a sudden turn.

By then, will it be too late?

You know one of those nights, where you just don’t know what to do...? It’s cold, it’s lonely, the night breeze. You feel so helpless and alone. Nights like these are the worse.

You stay up in bed, doing these things, trying to get yourself to fall asleep. But all you could do is just think. Think about anything and everything. Your past experiences, things you’ve been through, the life you’re living. All the stressful things that’s been happening. And as much as you try not to think about anything, it’s always the bad things that outshine the good.

You sit there reminiscing all the times you’ve had with people who no longer exist in your life. People who once were there for you, but just vanished like a smoke of cloud. You think about how much happier you used to be, and how everything was better before.

It’s nights like these were you realise how lonely you are, how much hope has departed, yet the memories haven’t.

Do you know that feeling where you just want to disappear?

I think it’s a cry for help.

Because sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it’s caving in on you. At times there are people out there who really do feel like they don’t want to exist, like they just want to curl up in a ball and go into that place between life and death. When they say things such as ‘I don’t want to exist’ isn’t saying ‘I want to die’. It’s saying ‘I wish for the time being that I can escape this place call reality and just not feel’.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, and you don’t know how it feels to be this way then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

I tell myself it’s all good, and that one day everything is going to be alright.
But as the days go by, I just doubt myself a little more.
I have been told (and I know this too), that to feel better, all I need is to believe.
But it’s been so hard that I don’t know how much I can hold on and be strong.

When I feel so empty, and I get tired of my sad face in the mirror.
I want to give up all the dreams I have kept inside my soul.
Every time that I feel like I’m too weak when everyone is so perfect, I lose all of my strength and I feel like I could fall down right on the floor.

#endlessbattle

Maybe if I was prettier
Maybe if I was stronger
Maybe if I was smarter
Maybe if I was thinner
Maybe if I was louder
Maybe if I was better

.... just maybe.

Read this if you are sad:

A reminder for anyone that's feeling sad..

When you’re feeling sad and you think that it is not going away, or that you won’t ever feel happy again, don’t. Because I guarantee you that one day you will find happiness. You know why? I can guarantee it. Everyone does come across being genuine again, even if it is for a split second. Someday you’ll finally see yourself as your own friend. Those people who screwed you over, hurt you, or broke your heart, they won’t matter. Your mistakes won’t matter because you will move past that, learn from it and eventually accept it. You will understand that you can live without that person you thought you couldn’t. The people who you thought were your friends, they won’t matter anymore. You will have everything because it’s inside of you. Because one day they will recognise that they appreciate you just the way you appreciate yourself.

One day, you’re going to be ready. You’re going to open your eyes, and you’re going to be ready for the next days that are to come. You’re going to get up, go out, and you’re going to talk when you are ready. Go out with friends, do things that will distract you now, and try something new. When you’re ready, everything will be okay. Everything will be alright, because it’s okay not to be okay. And one day when you come to recognise this, you’ll remember reading this. You’re going to tell someone else who won’t believe you, and some day they will believe it like the way I always wish you did as well, and you have. Because now I believe it - seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, I’ve come to find the things I didn’t see in myself. And now, I’m blooming into something I’d never thought I was capable of doing and so will you.

Find the light to yourself. Try new things that you’ve never done before, and take risks. The excitement feelings that will be rushing through your spine will trigger new ideas and feelings that you have never felt before, and you will feel better. You’ll probably forgot about everything that has happened, even if it is just for a split second, and it’s going to be okay. Smile. Be positive. Surround yourself with light, positive and get rid of all the darkness aura that was around you.

Life is about finding yourself. Love yourself first because everything will be okay. 

Suicide.

When it comes down to suicide, I think each and every one of us has at least thought once about committing one, unless you live a goddamn easy lucky life then you probably won't have (just my opinion). Having suicidal thoughts are scary, and the chance of us actually committing it, is high. Most of us have thought about ending our lives, usually in the moment when we feel most depressed, alone, feeling useless, being unhappy, and so much more.

You know that feeling where it's like “Half of me is very happy, the other half of me thinks about ending my life.” Yeah, I get that. I admit that I've had suicidal thoughts before, but I looked past that and beyond that. We are worth so much and ending something so much more meaningful is never the option. Not only will we affect ourselves, but we will affect everyone around us with sorrow and sin.
So if you're ever feeling this way, I urge you to talk to someone.
Look beyond all the negative things. And get help because you have a long life ahead of you and I promise you, it’ll be worth it in the long run.

Midnight thoughts

I write because writing is my only escape. I need that escape, as my mind is submerged in a pool of darkness and I am too tired to swim. By tired, I mean sick. I am sick, broken, numb. I no longer get the taste for love, happiness and sadness. I wake up every morning struggling to get out of bed, I realise my passion is dying, becoming emotionless and hollow. I rise like a zombie in the night. For I am a creature of the bight. The demons that robbed me of my emotions thrive in the dark but not in the daylight where they can be seen. By seen I mean noticed. I float around hoping someone will notice that I need help. But no. I have sunk too far from any ability to speak my mind now. Each day I go deeper and deeper into my unhappy pool of darkness deeper into my mind….deeper into my skin. And just as I think it is getting better like I’m floating to the surface, I dive back in again only this time I go deeper. The blade drowns in my blood as it gushes out and now I’m lost. I’m lost, sick and tired. And I let myself drown. 

Possessed by Depression

I miss who I used to be. I miss her oh so dearly. She tries to come back now and then.. but the possession of this new girl is so deep in.

They suffocate one another. Constantly, endlessly, until one overrules the other.

Things I tell myself on repeat

Today is not your day to give up.

Sometimes I can’t help but to feel as if I’m of so little importance in this world and to the people in it. Like I could just disappear and nobody would even notice.

I tried. I really did. But I can't no more.

It hurts being able to love everything so deeply, because you pour yourself into everything and everyone, but at the end of the day you always find yourself alone and empty, because no one else is willing to pour their love into you.

Reassurance is the best.

When someone reminds you of how important you are to them, how they still care for and love you, it’s like so much weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. A big relief that they’re still there. Reassuring, it’s a good feeling.

Anxiety.

It is like I feel fine. Like I have had a good day then I start to over-analyse every single thing. Every conversation I have had. Everything I have said and done. Do people not like me because of stupid stuff. It’s uncontrollable. I feel like everyone hates me.

Mummy knows best.

When I think back to the past about things that have occurred to me, relationships, incidents, study, anything bad really. I could have prevented it because mummy had already foretold what was going to happen and had given me her wise words of advice yet I chose to go against it and not listen. But I know now to listen to what she has to say because her intentions are not to be a party pooper, but to keep me safe. Mummy probably knows what I am going through at each phase of my life, I think her 2cents comes from experience.