My depression is a motivator

in that I often make rash decisions because of it.

For examples, like:
ending relationships/friendships
or chopping my hair
or dying my hair a slightly darker/lighter shade
or applying for as many jobs as I can
or naming my ex-bfs “arsehat” in my phone
or making plans with friends I no longer see/keep in touch
or sending out my “aww I really miss you, let’s meet up soon” texts

I do a lot of things (most things) to avoid death.

For examples, like:
de-activate my social media accounts
or tear up old photos
or take new photos
or powder my self-inflicted bruises
or tell people I love them
or twiddle my thumbs
in a broom closet
until I’m cared for

until I’m dead.

Sometimes I think I’m staying alive for my friends
or maybe to finish uni someday
or maybe for this pot of coffee
or maybe because I haven’t achieved enough yet
or maybe to not make things harder for anyone else
or maybe to read all the books I have bought
or maybe to take that trip
or maybe because if I died now my name would not mean anything
or maybe for myself.