Grateful.

Lately I feel really blessed to have such supportive group of friends, some friends that we haven't contact for quite a while because we each go to different pathways, but when one bumped into each other, it felt like no time has passed at all! Seeing all these people lately (that I initially thought we drifted as we head to different pathways) made me appreciate more to who I'm surrounded with :) I know for the fact that every person in my life serves a purpose. This gives me more of a reason to stay and be glad that I'm still alive :)

Not just friends-wise, I am also so super blessed for all the success this blog has been getting. I can't thankyou enough for following, sending in questions, dropping by to say hi and even just stopping by the page for a second. It's really nice of all of you and I love you guys for it.
Lately, since my birthday is approaching, most of you have been mailing me early presents.... I am damn shocked by the amount and type of kind gifts I have received. Some of the gifts I must say, are very high-end branded products... I really do hope that if you are planning to gift me, please do not over-spend, I feel really bad :( for I do not think I deserve these kinds of luxury goods, I only merely help you all in the best of my ability and wish for nothing in return.
*I will do the reviews once I have tried on them on my beauty blog, do stay in tune!*

All these blessings I've been receiving, I just realised they have been here my whole life, I just didn't take the time to see them…
Yet, I still feel like something is missing.

Monday thoughts.

"Day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different."

I now truly understand what they meant by that time heals and change everything. From what was once so major back then to now, worth little or nothing.
Back then, when I missed you, I looked back on our conversations - I reminisced the good times and then I wondered what led from texting everyday to nothing.
But now.
As I casually scrolled back our old conversations, I don't feel the way I felt anymore in the past. Even just by reading few messages, I stopped, I couldn't even continue to read anymore and it's not because I felt heartbroken to read anymore but I felt sick to the stomach and wondered why I wrote and think the way I did then.
And I realised time inevitably made me grew and experiences changed me.

I am still the same me, but now more capable to know the differences between what's right for me, what is something I should never get close to and what is something that if I touch once, I should never touch it again.

A while ago, one of my friends actually pointed out to me that I don't really ask for advice or suggestion even when I actually ask for it *does that make sense? :P Let me explain~*
So that one time, I tried to ask her for her opinion/advice/suggestion, she then stated that I did not really ask her for it, as in no matter what advice she gives, I already am stuck in my own little world, with my own thoughts as I had actually made up my mind/decided what I really wanted. When she said it, I realised that is actually very true indeed, yes, eventhough in my mind, I have already made up my decision, somehow I just want someone to reassure me and my decisions.

Her words surely stroke me as we can count as very close friends and I thought that she would have told me what to do. Yet I was surprised that she could point out what others didn't, at least what I did not realise, and at the moment I told myself she was right.

She was right that I don't really take advice in application even if I ask. There are also most of you that claimed that I actually make good decisions. This seems to be a great compliment for me, it is one big compliment yet I doubt I deserve it. I don't think I deserve it as even I myself, can't really decide what I really want, and also what's best for me. Especially that feeling of uncertainty after a decision is made.

Perhaps sometimes I could be lucky enough to make a right decision for someone when they asked me to, and am sorry if I did not. Though I really do sometimes wonder why would most of you have such faith in me, saying that I make good decisions when I don't really know which direction I am actually heading to.

I have to admit, yes it's true that I am recently bothered by something. I don't think I can just run away from this, pretending like it's not happening, I have promised myself to face it with courage. I have made my decision up but I just don't have the guts to speak out.

This is really hard. This dilemma is bringing me down. I need to breathe.

I don't understand.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a retard. I mean, I can figure out situations easily in my head. I already know what I wanna say and how to say it, and I can have my emotions under control. But somewhere along the lines of putting what's in my mind out there verbally, I mess up. I say things and they sound horribly, or they can easily be misinterpreted into something I never meant. I just turn out to be an asshole because I end up hurting people.
I hurt people I never want to see hurt, because I’m incapable of saying the right things when it matters most.

We are never ever getting back together.

I don't know what got me today.. I somehow had the courage to type out a message to him - literally telling him along the line that I don't feel the same way as he had for me (anymore)... which was true but I didn't feel that kind of vibe coming at me and that I had actually conveyed that meaning (directly) in just few lines... I haven't been this straightforward for such a long time...
But all this contributes to the experiences I have been through.... I've been hurt before. I've been a victim before when I was too nice. Me being victimized still haunt me when I sleep.
For one time, I ain't nice. Not to anyone anymore. And same to him.
Being nice just land me in a place full of trouble, heartache, deceit and lies.
I felt like it's the time that I really move forward and embrace whatever life has to offer right now.
To be honest, when he didn't reply to my message, I felt terrible, my mind was literally shouting at me, "Dude, what have you done? Your direct message must have hurt him and that shutted him up!" But the terrible-ness I felt was like a minute until it kicks in that why should I care.
If I had care, I wouldn't have said it right?

We drifted. I tried. You didn’t. I’m tired. Goodbye.

And somehow this quote reminded me:

“Sometimes you tell someone to never call you again, and then the phone rings and you hope it’s them. It’s the most twisted logic of all time.” - John Mayer

It's pretty much like the same logic, except this time is completely different.
I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore.
What I said was irreversible.
But I can do this.
I can pull this through.
And as one of my best friends said, all it takes is just to believe in yourself that there's a rainbow and light at the end of the tunnel.

A list on how to try to get over them:

Before I start listing, below's the 10 tips I have compiled for YOU to get over your ex, whether you've been dumped or initiated the broke up...

1) CRY it out as much as you can!! It's good for you! Let it all out while you can.

2) Keep in mind that this is temporary and that time can heal. But. If you're not a believer in time being the healer, then keep in mind that time inevitably replaces old memories with new ones.

3) You are BETTER without them. MUCH BETTER without them. When you start believing that you need someone else in order to function, that's when you lost yourself in someone else.

4) This probably may not be your first devastating loss, but it is DEFINITELY NOT your last one either. There are MORE to come. This is a bit discouraging to hear, but you have to UNDERSTAND that you can't avoid loss. You will continue to lose over and over again, but it is MORE about how YOU handle yourself and MAINTAIN composure in the midst of such loss.

5) Sometimes you have just to FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT! Cry when you need to BUT REMEMBER that the energy you have is the energy that also affects other people. Don't drown yourself in sadness. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP. But don't be afraid to ask for the sympathy of others whenever you need it.

6) BLAST THOSE FUCKING BREAKUP JAMS and instantly repair your ego.

7) SURROUND yourself with the people that know you DESERVE so much better than them and you can get through this with their support.

8) DON'T KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THEM. Don't check their social networks. Cleanse them out of your life. They say it takes 3 months of absolutely no communication to be able to let go and forgive. With that being said, it's going to be THE MOST PAINFUL 3 MONTHS OF YOUR LIFE. But it will work to your advantage in the long run.

9) DON'T GROW BITTER. The last thing you want to do is SHUT the rest of the world out and reject future opportunities with someone that could treat you WAY BETTER than they ever did.

10) DON'T find "quick fixes" to ease the pain. That vodka shot or that temporary high won't make you FORGET them forever. LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN. Love is a losing game, but you always have to get back in it. I'm not saying have another relationship instantly, BUT LEARN to open up again :)

And lastly, GOOD LUCK :)

Love,
Velene xoxo

Dream.

I rarely dream. But when I do. It's not a good sign. Because... *I don't really want to sound really psychic or creepy here*, but somehow what I dreamed.. it happens.

For the past 3 nights, eventhough I have been sleeping quite late around 3am because of studying and waking up around 7am to continue this routine, I dreamed consecutively and it's all on that one person. Him.

I have no idea how he appeared in my dream for the past 3 nights when he wasn't in my mind lately.

I brushed it off after first night but as the 2nd and 3rd dreams came, both were so vivid that I myself, am creeped out.

The thing is we haven't even met yet... but the most strangest and weirdest fact is that what occurred in the dreams, were what we planned to do - which was to meet-up.
And in the dream, it was during the meet-up that he said something that was unexpected (but was expected, it was just that I never knew he would say it kinda gist) - and it felt so surreal that my heart ached, I felt myself crying in the dream and I too woke up crying.

But.. what was the ache for?

I thought my feelings for him faded in this 1.5 year period, in which I have nearly made myself to believe that.. until he appears again out of the blue, was it then a reminder that my heart still yearns for him.... even up until now.. despite so many things had happened? 

Exams.

Exams are coming down the pike and I still can't get the knack of all the 5 units I'm doing this semester. Many gave off the impression that waltzing through a uni bachelor degree is very much possible because it's easy *as you just need a pass to get through* but no. I honestly don't think it is anything like what it is.

When it comes to assignment deadlines, tests and exam periods, you can see my face furrowed and distorted. Many would ask me to take a chill pill and not be all stressed up, but have you ever seen a stress-free uni student? I haven’t, unless you count the freshmen who mess up the first half of the semester, say “screw it” and never attend lectures again. But then, that’s not what I'm talking about here. Stress is a HUGE part of the whole uni experience, and it’s something we all have to deal with in life. However, I'll try my very best not to let it get the best of me.

Ah okay I better stick my nose into my book and glue my fingers onto my notes.  NOW. 

Being an asian kid.

When your parents yell at you and start to compare you to your cousins, friends, family, people. Like really? Don’t compare me to someone else. I’m obviously not that person. If you like them so much go tell them to be your kid. Sorry for my mistakes and wrong-doings. I’m sorry I can’t be a perfect child for you, but don’t compare me to other people, I don’t like that.  

2:35am

Dear friend,
It had been awhile since we've last talked. I don’t even recall where we had left off.
So I was surprised when I saw a missed call from you in the middle of the night. Somehow I instantly knew something was wrong... because you never call me.
When I called back and heard your voice, I could tell that you had been crying. And that was the first. You told me how he suddenly ended the relationship, eventhough things were going so well for both of you. I have always find it strange how people can change their minds so easily like the weather - one minute warm and sunny and next minute, colder than winter.
It hurts to see you hurt.
But as you were telling me about him, I suddenly remembered the day I said the same words that he said to you, to someone else.
What a vicious cycle.
How can I despise such a man - so cruel and heartless, yet identify myself with him?
And that's when I realised... I am not always the victim, nor am I the hero.
Sometimes.. I end up being the person holding the knife.
And maybe you don't even realise it...
Until hearing the other side of the story from someone else, when it's too late.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder...

... did I really love you for who you are, or did I love you because of the way you made me feel?
Maybe I didn't love you after all, I just loved the times we shared, the things we did for each other and how I’ll never be able to think of loving someone else, the way I loved you.

For the first time in weeks, I physically, mentally and emotionally feel extremely tired.
I can't take it anymore. I realised I'm not as strong as I think I was.
I cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to sort myself out. Eventhough I'm getting help at the moment, I just don't know how I can pull through it all and recover from this trauma... It's like I'm in this tunnel of darkness where no light can be seen.
I found that as the day passes by, it's more and more harder to retain my “mask” around my surroundings aka my friends and even my family - a form of myself to assure everyone that I'm fine, while I'm breaking down inside. I'm sick and tired of this form of pretense that I’m okay, lying to myself and everybody else. And I am hoping that this pretense would eventually become real.
I know for the fact that something's slowly unfolding inside me, little by little, I'm changing, not entirely sure whether it's for good or bad.. But I'm definitely sure that I'm not the same person I was at the start of the year and will never be anymore....
So much are happening right now, with uni finishing this week, exams in less than 2 weeks and my feelings are still a pool of muddles and indecisiveness.
I still haven't sort myself up yet and I haven't give a response yet to someone who cares about me.. I know that what happened to me this time, will be a super long recovery road. For the first time ever, I don't even know when will I fully recover..
I just want.. I need a break.
A break to escape reality.
I want to let all the emotions out.
I admit, for the first time, I'm struggling for real.
I want to cry it all out.
I am suffocating.
I can't hold it anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I cannot...

First Love.

That's exactly what they are. They are the ones that introduced you to everything, made you love them, and loved you back..
*And no, I'm not being miserable and sappy here, I'm just writing what's in my mind currently*
Your first love made you crazy and confused the hell out of you. It's freaking amazing though because it's your first time. Your first love brought chances in your life.
And when it's over. No matter how hurt you are, you'll always love them. Always. They'll stay with you forever. And not only will you not notice it, but deep down you will compare every other person to them. And none of them will live up, because that person was your first love.
Then after months of letting go, when you finally think you are okay with letting them go, they'll text, or you'll hear "your" song, or something that reminds you of how much they meant and how much you really loved them and realise you're not completely over this person as much as you hoped.

And sometimes when I see couples who are each other's first love and have been together for quite some time through all the ups and downs, I feel sad. But that doesn't mean I haven't let go or haven't moved on, it simply means I've experienced loss which means I've experienced life.

First love is unforgettable.

Source: The Heirs :')