Afterstage.

Lately I feel so unmotivated.

• Idiotic.
• Depressed.
• Tired.
• Frustrated.
• Restless.
• Uninspired.
• And disappointed.

I know that this isn't one of the brightest lists, but nothing leaves me content anymore. I guess this is just a phase, but I feel useless, as though the world ran out of things and for me to have fun like I need to do rebellious things.

The truth? I miss everything. I miss him, I miss her, I miss them, I miss that, I miss this and now I just miss the fact everything used to be so carefree.

Just when things were getting better, the worst was waiting around the corner.
Although I still have my true friends who have always been like my 2nd family, as selfish as this is, I still don’t feel satisfied. It’s not the fact that they don’t try to keep me positive, it’s just that the negative seems to power through.

I’m struggling and you left me when I needed you most.
Unforgivable. You were the only one I wanted to stay.

I’m looking at the sky
and I’m hoping that
from wherever you are,
you’re looking at it too.

I’m always attracted to that bad boy type and have this naive thought that I’d be the girl they would change for, but really, I know they’re up to no good.

I never thought it would be me....

I never thought it would be me.
Crying every night.
I never thought it would be me.
Not caring whether I lived or died.
I never thought it would be me.
Smiling even though I just want to cry.
I never thought it would be me.
Caring what others thought of me.
I never thought it would be me.
That when i looked in the mirror I am disgusted at myself.
I never thought it would be me.
Hoping it all would end.
I just… Never thought it would be me…

Every single person you know has something in their life and past that is probably worth collapsing to the ground in an uncontrollably sobbing heap over, so be nice to each other and tell good jokes.

Life cleansing tips:

- Delete conversations between people you no longer talk to. It is healthy to let go of the past and not letting yourself dwell on things.

- Say kind things about people you like. Say good things about yourself. Don’t speak or think about people you don’t like.

- Look in mirrors. you shouldn’t be afraid of facing yourself.

- Allow yourself time to feel and grow. Don’t be too hard on yourself for crying, you need to vent in order to move on to better times. Even rainy days work towards sunny days.

- If things don’t work out, stop forcing them. There’s no reason for you to keep working and failing if there are other places/people for you to excel and be happy.

- Running away doesn’t always solve everything. Sometimes, the reason that made you run will still be with you. Focus on freeing yourself before starting anew.

Self isolating and then getting upset when you see your friends having fun without you and using this to validate the notion that nobody really needs you or will miss you if you’re gone.

Does it bother anyone else that there are parts of your life you don’t remember? You have done and said things that you don’t even know about anymore. That means you don’t even have the right perception of yourself because you don’t even fully know who you are. However, something that you’ve forgotten about could be a prominent memory in somebody else’s mind. It trips me out.

To be honest

I have a hard time talking about my feelings and thoughts because, one, I really don’t want to burden anyone with my problems, two, I don’t trust that people will listen without any preconceived judgments, and three, I don’t expect anyone to understand. Also, it should go without saying that these things are meant to be confidential, but for some reason, people like to talk.

So here’s a shout out to the people that ask “are you okay?” and “what’s wrong?” not because they’re curious, but because they actually care. I don’t like to be needy all the time and I’ve learned how to handle problems on my own, but that little reassurance that I’m not alone is definitely always welcome. I know that talk is cheap, and “I’m here for you” is such a cliché comfort line, but to the people who have proved over and over again that I don’t have to keep everything to myself, and that it’s good to let things out every once in awhile… thankyou. Thankyou so much, and I can only hope that I’m as good of a friend to you as you are to me. 

Have you guys ever had that feeling of never being good enough for your parents to be proud of you?

Like no matter how much you try to make them happy they never actually care. Today, somehow I felt that way, I feel like no matter how much their friends compliment me, they still kept a straight face, like they don’t care. And they try any possible ways out there to bring my self esteem down. I try so hard to be a good daughter to them and all they've shown me is they want more. It’s like they’re never satisfied with anything I do. I know that I’m raised in a traditional, asian family but I can’t get their support. Maybe I’m thinking too much but this is how I feel. I guess they just take the stuff I do for granted, like they take me for granted. Maybe I don’t really mean to them as much as I did before. I know I’m growing up and all, but that doesn't mean they can stop caring about my feelings. I still need them to walk me through my life and show that they’re proud of how much I've grown. I don’t know about them, but in my eyes I’ll always be their baby girl. 

I never liked you anyway. Or maybe I did. Nothing matters anyway.

As silly as it sounds, I’m afraid to love. I can feel my bones shake and tremble when the subject of love gets brought up. I’m afraid to jump in, head on and love fearlessly and carelessly.. The thought of trusting someone so much and to give them all of me, makes me want to hide and never face it ever again. Change is constant and I don’t know if I’m emotionally stable enough to ever deal with it again, no matter how much I want to feel being in love. Lovers come and go, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to let someone in and have the ability to break me. It’s too complex, it makes my mind uneasy to think about how badly I’ve been hurt to be this afraid. It’s sad to know how much damage someone has gone through to be so afraid to experience the best feeling life has to offer..

You think you’re loving too hard in your relationship. You think you’re doing too much. But that’s not it.
It’s that you’re not getting enough in return.
If the person was going just as hard as you were, you wouldn’t feel the need to pull back.
It’s the one sided-ness you feel.
Not the loving too hard.

To be honest, this is the worst.
I pray I will never be in this situation again.

How is it possible to be friends with someone you have a thing for? I mean you flirt and all but you know there's more to it. You remind yourself you’re nothing more than friends just so you don’t feel pressured to be in a relationship. The more you talk, the closer you get but it gets to the point where you want to distance yourself because of the possibility of falling for that person (again). Maybe it's for the best.

When you have a person that is willing to give you their all, don’t take them for granted and give them your all back. When you finally have someone who cares about you a lot, someone who is loyal, someone who will do anything and everything for you, take a step back and realise what you have. Because once they start to realise that you do not deserve any of that and because you do not give it your 120%, they will start to give you less attention and less everything.
So cherish what you have, it can be gone in a blink of a second.

Forgiveness > Revenge

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been that “nice girl.”
But, I’m strong enough to know that I should never let anyone feel like they can belittle me and make me feel like I'm a shadow to everyone else. I’m not the type to retaliate, being raised to believe that revenge never solves anything. Rather than say what’s on my mind at the moment, I choose to let go and move on. Why? Because nothing drives a person who thinks they’re in control of you more insane than kindness itself. So instead of giving them the satisfaction of feeding off your anger, kill them with a smile and move on with your life.

Nothing about living with mental illness has been cute.

It is feeling completely powerless and like my head is a traitor.
It is knowing that I need to work on projects and meet with friends to feel better but only having the energy to stay in bed.
It is pushing away my support systems.
It is putting myself into dangerous situations, like running away from friends at a party or out into the street at night, because I’m breaking down and can’t think clearly.
It is not being able to walk down the street without having a panic attack some days.
It’s the sense of complete lack of control and fear as I realise I am going to breakdown in public, and don’t know where to hide or how to make it stop.
It’s feeling unsafe in any place because my anxiety could take over at any time.
It’s not being able to enjoy moments with my friends because I’m too busy fantasizing about death. It’s not being able to stop crying for hours and sitting on a bed, forcing my body to get up but not being able to leave.
It’s wanting help desperately but not knowing how to ask for it.
It’s crying over trauma from a year ago and not knowing how to explain to others that these things still hurt.
It’s realising that other people don’t have to prepare their days for their mental illness.
It’s exhausting.
It’s draining.
But it is resilience.
It is feeling like there is nothing worth living for when the past week has been same cycle of crying every day but STILL staying alive.
It is continuing to seek out the smallest amount of hope in you and living off it for months.
It is regaining trust in your head after the things it said to you the night before.
It is constantly putting work into yourself.
It is refusing to see yourself as weak.
My mental illness is ugly. It is messy. It’s not cute. 

I am a human being worth knowing and loving.

I have value.

It’s strange and scary how people affect you.

Your personality, your mind, your feelings. But I won’t let anyone do that anymore.
Because why?
I’m great the way I am. I don’t need to change just because someone tells me to. I don’t have to change because they treated me the way they did. I deserve all the happiness and love in the world and I will never, ever let someone else tell me the opposite. I’m alive and I live. I won’t waste my time on people that hurt me. Not. Anymore.

Same late night thoughts.

I really miss the feeling.... of having someone always wanting to hang out with you. Someone always wanting to talk to you. Not even, just feeling like I’m special or really important to someone is enough right now. I want to feel like I’m not always taken for granted, I just want to be first priority for once. No competition. I just want to know what it’s like to have someone defend me when others are talking shit about me to them instead of going along with it or even joke around about it with the shit talker. No. They don’t even have to defend me, just not go along with it at least, even if it's a friend saying it because shouldn’t me being the significant other matter more? Just need that someone I can talk to and know that they’ll always be there for me no matter what time it is or where they are. Instead of making me feel like a pest they don’t want to or have the time to deal with. I miss having someone who will reassure me when I have these insecurities instead of making me feel worse, crazy, stupid or unappreciative. Sometimes I just need a simple reassurance. I miss having someone go out of their way for me whenever they can instead of making me feel clingy and annoying when I do it. There's two in a relationship, not one or three. But then again I’m the one that’s always wrong hey. Guess I’m the idiot.

I sometimes wonder what it’s like to live a different life. Different location. Different people. Different person - a different lifestyle. I wouldn’t mind leaving for a day and waking up to something different. It sounds about good.

I lay on the ground.  Awaiting death.  I look up at the sky.  That was when I understood just how high I once were.  And now I’m at the very bottom, basking in the wisps of suffocation.

My depression is a motivator

in that I often make rash decisions because of it.

For examples, like:
ending relationships/friendships
or chopping my hair
or dying my hair a slightly darker/lighter shade
or applying for as many jobs as I can
or naming my ex-bfs “arsehat” in my phone
or making plans with friends I no longer see/keep in touch
or sending out my “aww I really miss you, let’s meet up soon” texts

I do a lot of things (most things) to avoid death.

For examples, like:
de-activate my social media accounts
or tear up old photos
or take new photos
or powder my self-inflicted bruises
or tell people I love them
or twiddle my thumbs
in a broom closet
until I’m cared for

until I’m dead.

Sometimes I think I’m staying alive for my friends
or maybe to finish uni someday
or maybe for this pot of coffee
or maybe because I haven’t achieved enough yet
or maybe to not make things harder for anyone else
or maybe to read all the books I have bought
or maybe to take that trip
or maybe because if I died now my name would not mean anything
or maybe for myself.

Coming to terms.

I will not get sad,
I will not get sad,
I will shed no tears.
Feel no rain
Taste no rust

For things that
were always going to be
brief.

I feel like once you lose someone you care a lot about - once they walk away from you without a good reason - you stop caring about losing people as a whole. You don’t expect permanence or consistency. You question the motives of the ones who adore you, and you start looking for signs that they too might leave.

I hope all of you heal.

Self-destruction doesn’t always look like taking too many pills or cutting your skin open. Sometimes it’s drinking coffee when you know caffeine gives you panic attacks. Sometimes it is crossing the street without looking both ways. Sometimes it is showering with the water a little too hot. Sometimes it’s avoiding eye contact with your reflection in the mirror or ridiculing your problems rather than addressing them. Sometimes it’s walking out without sunscreen in scorching heat and not wearing enough when it’s freezing outside. Self destruction isn’t always physical mutilation, mostly it’s masked as little things, so never assume what someone may be going through just because they don’t show you visible signs of suffering.

When people go through changes, their priorities don’t stay the same either, and you realise your role in their life.
Personally, I know I can’t blame people for not having time for me or going out of their way for me because I do that with others as well. I’m at a phase in my life where I’m extremely confused and trying to figure everything out. I can’t do that while putting people first but at the same time, putting myself first isn’t helping either. It feels lonely when I take a break from focusing on myself and my future and realise that nobody’s around.

No matter what I do or how much I think I want something, when I pause for a second, I wonder why I pursue any of it because at the end of the day, nothing makes me feel alive.

I know it's only October..

2016 (so far) really redefined the concept of loneliness for me. People always differentiate between being alone and lonely, and they’re right. I don’t want to romanticise this into another boring and predictable post. But no matter how many people are in your life, no matter how many messages you have waiting for you, no matter how many people you make plans with, unless if you click with them, you will find yourself always seeking for more and more company and never being satisfied with who you surround yourself with. This doesn’t mean that you can’t appreciate your current friends. Matter of fact, your friends can be so good to you and you can love them to death but that won’t stop you from wanting something else, something more, something they cannot provide. There’s attributes that only certain people can bring out in you. There’s some conversations that just flow better if you’re in the right crowd. There’s people who inspire each other to be better in a way that others cannot. May next year, 2017 be the year that I find like-minded individuals that I feel like I fit in with. 

Tonight (or more like this morning because it’s 4:30am and I haven’t slept yet) I realised that a lot of the barriers holding me back from being where I want to be are mental. I love knowing how far people have gone because in a sense it inspires me to be better. My logic regarding that is the following: How can you want to be successful if you don’t know what success consists of or what a successful individual looks like? That type of rational where you put a face or an accomplishment to your idea of success can be toxic though. People break boundaries and make breakthroughs all the time and if you think like that, then every time there’s a new ceiling for what being successful means, you will begin to believe that your goal is moving further away from you (because you feel as though you aren’t enough anymore to achieve it) which just isn’t true. When you know better, you do better. Progress is the heart of opportunities. And believing in yourself is the heart of progress. The definition of success will always fluctuate but that doesn’t make it intangible.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I will amount to anything more than struggle and lost potential.

Always reaching for what you can never touch is how you learn to never settle and never be satisfied.
Ironic how the good and the bad sprout from the same seed.

New theory -

Recently, I’ve been meeting the best guys who possess all the qualities that I want in a man, and it’s so ironic and dumb on my part because even when they show interest, I always mess it up somehow. Then when another guy peaks my interest, I realise how much I romanticised the last guy and I’m sure that me making a fool out of myself in front of all these men is me learning a lesson so that one day when a guy actually is as great as I think he is, I don’t fck it up.

I’ve convinced myself from past experiences that I will never have something good, so much so that even if I’m presented with an opportunity to go after something, I just give up before trying because I know that even if I acquire it, it will be taken away from me. I will never get to keep something good, I guess it just isn’t written for someone like me.