I miss the past...

A lot has changed in just one year.. It is hard to believe that the people I used to think would always be there for me are now gone and are no longer in my life. It hurts to see old photos and read old chats that are there to only remind me of what used to be better days with people I never thought I’d lose :/ but I know that with everything that has happened I have grown and became stronger eventhough I lost them, I wouldn’t change anything because it was their choice and I am who I am today because of the past. I hope the future brings much joy and hope for me.. and to all my new friends whom I have made so far and to my loved ones whom stuck it out with me, now and forever, I thankyou and appreciate everything you guys have done for me.

I left the party early and called it a night due to the fact that I lacked enthusiasm and had a really bad vibe. I think just being around people has triggered some kind of emotional state making me feel sad, as if I don’t belong. The worst thing was that whilst I was on the way back home I felt like crying and all I could think about was what has happened to me this year.. How much it has impacted me. I feel like at this exact moment in my life everything is out of my control zone and I can’t do anything to change or fix anything, like I am glued to this path that confuses me and frustrates me. I feel alone yet when I am around people I tend to isolate myself and close myself from the world. I didn’t use to be like this, it didn't use to be like this but so much has happened all at once.. I want to just explode with anger and hurt! I just hope... 2016 will be good to me... 

If you don’t know what you want then I don’t even know what you’re trying for here with me. Because I’m not gonna wait around for you to make up your mind. I've got more important things to worry about then whether or not we’re gonna be together. I have myself to think about, my happiness, and what I want for myself in the future. I’m sorry but I won’t let anyone get in the way of that, I'm not gonna get caught up in something that I don’t know is worth it or not.

So many times have I felt as if no one gets me.

I feel as if no one truly can understand why I am the way I am, or why I do things the way I do. I guess a lot of people feel this way, wonder this way, and ask themselves why or how. Why did this happen, why did that happen, why am I feeling the way I am?

I think most people in their lives at one point or another, have felt like they were walking on a cold-isolated path. A path where only their footsteps on the ground were to be seen. A path where lights started to fade away as the passage got narrower. A path where they felt as if they were alone like they had no one to talk to, no one there that would listen and no one there to offer a hand.

But if only, it wasn't this way. It shouldn't have to be this way if maybe us individuals took the time to actually understand each other without judgement, we could have realise that we are not so alone after all.

Eventhough I have a crush on someone at the moment but lately I’ve been feeling that I’m meant to always be alone and that's how it's supposed to be. I'm slowly becoming more ok with the idea of it but the thought of not being alone isn’t completely gone, it probably would be nice... I honestly don’t know how it would go anymore since I don’t really have a relatively normal relationship with anyone in my life. No point really thinking about this, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and let whatever happens happen when life throws it at me!

We haven’t talked in a while.

I guess you could say you still cross my mind from time to time. But it’s different now. It’s not of love or a sense of I miss you. It’s a thought of wonder of how are you and what have you been up to lately. 
In a way it’s good for both of us. 
But I miss familiarity, to just have a conversation with someone who knows the person you are behind all the masks.

Sudden realisation that next year is like 3 weeks away.

I feel like I’m at the age where I don’t care as much as I used to.

Like if you want to be my friend, then be my friend. If you show me you care for me and that you’ll fend for me in my time of need, then I’ll reciprocate the same efforts.

But if you’re gonna be a bitch and just cause nothing but unnecessary stress and bullshit in my life, then I don’t know why you’re here.

Your existence will only matter to me if you give me a reason to make you significant.

I feel really safe and good today.

I realised I need to stop relying on toxic people in order to survive and I need to forget the past. Just because the people who cheated and hurt me are happy doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be. I deserve someone who can keep up with me intellectually and who appreciates me for more than my body. I want to meet someone and build a healthy relationship for once. I feel ready.

I don’t joke around with people I’m not close to, especially when they’re the type of person who likes to make jokes about others but when the joke’s on them, they get all offended and serious. Ermm okay, what makes you think it’s cool for you to joke around when you can’t even take a joke yourself? You’re the only one making yourself look stupid getting mad in the end while everyone else is laughing.

Please don’t get tired of me.

It happens every time. People lose interest in me. They get tired of me. Suddenly, they don’t bother hitting me up anymore. The conversations become shorter. They forget about me and I just become a distant memory. I wonder if it’s my fault sometimes. But then I realise that people never stay in my life. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Lately I feel like I’m just drifting through life like a weary soul casting through the motions of living. I’m filled with contradictions. I want to grow up to understand my full potential, yet at the same time I want to be a carefree child again with no responsibilities to worry about. I’m probably indecisive due to the fact there are so many different paths my life can take.   

This is me.

I try and plan everything for the future. Also for the next couple of months and for the next day even.. this is me. But at the same time as each day goes by, I tell myself what ever happens, happens. If my way doesn’t go according to my plans, then there’s always going to be another way. Maybe even a better way.

There was once when I tried so hard to fit in the crowd and be someone I'm not. But then I hit my head hard and realised that fitting in is highly overrated. I'd rather just fit out... Fitting out means being who you are, even when people insist that you have to change. Fitting out means taking space, not apologising for being yourself, and not agreeing with those who seek to label you with stereotypes.

In a sad, vaguely nostalgic kind of way, I sort of feel a lil better when I no longer find people that I was interested in or that I once dated to be attractive whatsoever anymore. It makes me feel like I’m getting on with things.

Do you ever get in one of those moods where you’re like feeling okay but you’re really sad at the same time and you just want to talk to someone and make them hug you but you feel annoying so you kind of just sit there being really sad?

Dear my reflection,

You are still pretty unhappy, aren't you?
I am sorry for being so hard on you sometimes. I am sorry for everything you have been through this year. But through all the countless road trips we have made through together, led us to stronger built walls. Let’s make next year a better one. Let’s make your own path that you can follow in life, however, let’s make sure it is the one you can live with.

Someday you are going to be as genuine and content like you were before. Maybe happiness will intertwine with you again. Maybe you've forgotten. Maybe you've both met before. But this time, I promise I am here to remind you of the better days that are ahead. I am here to teach you how to live again, to continue to smile and slowly finally to recognising it.

Love,
Me.

It’s only 50 days before 2016 and I feel like the only thing I’ve done this year was disappoint everyone including myself.

I’m sorry family and friends if one day soon you’ll find me cold and out of breaths. I just can’t get it together and I’m tired of constantly fighting myself, lying to myself, and feeling this way. There is no moving on for me. I just want out. And I’m almost ready to let go of this life. I need help. I just don’t know when… I’ll put myself out of my misery. I cannot hold on much longer.. 

It's funny how the human mind works.

I can say I am never the strongest person when it comes to my own personal feelings about situations. I just work it off with a smile and keep it all bottled inside and hope that everything will pass and I won’t have the slightest re-collection of it.

It seems like I’ve bottled enough up inside of me that my mind can no longer take it; I need to let it all out.. and I have, through dreams.
I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night, as I try to settle my mind to fall asleep once more, I remember what had just happened a few second before I was woken from my sleep, what I was able to achieve. Although it was a dream I feel better already :)

If only dreams were a reality; I would have the hardest part over and done with. 

You think you're happy but then you realise you're insecure, you're scared, you're confused, you don't know what you're doing with yourself, you don't know what's going to happen to you or where you're going to end up. You don't know the next time you're gonna break out crying or the next time you're going to feel safe, feel like you're in a good place. You try to tell yourself everything's going to be fine, you force yourself to smile through it all, you're trying to be optimistic. You're usually pretty tough but you know deep down that at this moment you're not okay. Yeah. You're not okay. Not only that but the people around you seem to be changing, slipping away, and suddenly everything is spiraling out of your control. You're losing them. You're losing yourself. You're trying to grasp onto these relationships just like you're trying to keep holding onto that hope you already know is long gone. You're hoping at least one person will bear with you, at least one person you know that when you close your eyes to deal with all the shit that's happening and open them again, he'll still be there. What can you do? You're trying. [the end]

The cracks began to appear as though nothing was done. Some days tape was what held it all together, but only temporary, eventually the tape broke and so did the cracks with it. The cracks were no longer cracks but became missing pieces; missing pieces to what seemed so strong so long ago; years ago.

We are holding on by pieces, broken cracked pieces that seem to just won’t fit.
Please say you all won’t let it fall apart, we can still mend this together. 

Have you ever felt?

To the point where you don’t even know where you stand.
Mixed emotions just rushing up your adrenaline yet you don’t know what to even think of it. Everything seems to be in a big question mark but you sit there, questioning the questions. Where the world is just continuously revolving around the sun in perfect harmony and you’re the spectacle that’s floating somewhere in space. If only you could come close to grasping that feeling of assurance. Craving for it, yearning for that ground you wish to find where you know where you even are.
Then you realise, you’re still in that same position…. just... lost.

I need a drunk conversation with you. A drunk mind speaks a sober heart, so maybe that’s the only way I’ll be able to spill out my feelings for you, since I find it so hard for me to talk about them regularly.

That feel when.. results come out that all the things you felt.. actually matched to a disorder. Neither shocked nor relieved, but it was just like a sense of conformation that I wasn't going crazy and what I've been feeling all along - I wasn't alone.

Friends who are close to me, which I'm glad they're still here sticking along, had mostly *almost always* asked me "Have you recovered?"  then I would always say, "What does that mean?"

If they meant, "Am I back to where I was before that?" I have to say no, and I never will be. I am not the same person - I was an open book, of being that sunflower girl with her arms stretched so wide that everyone thought she wanted to hug the Earth. I would always wore my heart over my shirt instead of under it. I left her - and her trust, her innocence, her simplicity. I had to in order to survive. What happened has changed me forever.

You know what breaks my heart?

When your friends feel threatened by you. When they feel that you are getting “popular” and that you are becoming a threat. But why? Why does everyone care so much about “popularity.” It’s the internet. I don’t stream for the numbers, the views, the count, the money or the fame. I stream because I enjoy doing it. I do it because I want to. I do it because it keeps me company, and with that experience I am able to meet so many people and grow. It’s really sad to get a message from one of them, and hearing about how I make them feel. Those were never my intentions at all to “steal viewers.” It hurts a lot. Sometimes I feel so bad to the point where I just want to quit everything. I don’t want anyone to stop streaming because of me. I came into this community trying to make it better, but here I am getting judged and blamed for. I can’t even talk to my close friends because they probably think the same.

It also hurts that my dearest close friends think so low of me. It hurts. It hurts that some people think I am using people as well. I am not that kind of person. I’ve been nothing but kind. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as nice because people just start stepping all over me. I thought my good friends would know me by now, but I guess I am just left in disappointment.

Whenever I happen to come across something involving death, it makes me realise again how short life is. It makes me realise how invulnerable we think we all are. We sometimes have this tendency to believe that just because we are young, we won’t expect death anytime soon. I mean, we can never predict when it’s our turn, we can never predict the circumstances of death. You should cherish your friends and family, and not when you saw someone who just passed away. But because you should have been already cherishing them in the first place. Remember to cherish what you have and never take advantage of it. You never know if you might be that person one day, or someone you’ll know of. I could never imagine myself dying, or losing someone so special to me. It might be just another death to you, because everyone dies and it’s normal; but to people whom are close to them, it’s more than that, its a great loss. I went to a funeral service today for my piano teacher, she was a lovely lady who introduced me to a whole new world of music - gave me the opportunities and many chances to perform in concerts (from a small gathering of 20 to about 200 in a concert hall), perform in competitions and just from these, it has partially made me to who I am today. She'll be greatly missed but her memories live with me, her family and friends forever.
So live your life with no regrets, forgive people, forget things, have fun.
Life’s too short, death is unexpected.

"What happens if you fall in love with a writer? Lots of things might happen. That’s the thing about writers. They’re unpredictable. They might bring you eggs in bed for breakfast, or they might all but ignore you for days. They might bring you eggs in bed at three in the morning. Or they might wake you up for sex at three in the morning. Or make love at four in the afternoon. They might not sleep at all. Or they might sleep right through the alarm and forget to get you up for work. Or call you home from work to kill a spider. Or refuse to speak to you after finding out you've never read "To Kill A Mockingbird". Or spend the last of the rent money on five kinds of soap. Or sell your textbooks for cash halfway through the semester. Or leave you love notes in your pockets. Or wash you pants with Post-It notes in the pockets so your laundry comes out covered in bits of wet paper. They might cry if the Post-It notes are unread all over your pants. It’s an unpredictable life.

But what happens if a writer falls in love with you?

This is a little more predictable. You will find your hemp necklace with the glass mushroom pendant around the neck of someone at a bus stop in a short story. Your favorite shoes will mysteriously disappear, and show up in a poem. The watch you always wear, the watch you own but never wear, the fact that you've never worn a watch: they suddenly belong to characters you've never known. And yet they’re you. They’re not you; they’re someone else entirely, but they toss their hair like you. They use the same colloquialisms as you. They scratch their nose when they lie like you. Sometimes they will be narrators; sometimes protagonists, sometimes villains. Sometimes they will be nobodies, an unimportant, static prop. This might amuse you at first. Or confuse you. You might be bewildered when books turn into mirrors. You might try to see yourself how your beloved writer sees you when you read a poem about someone who has your middle name or prose about someone who has never read "To Kill A Mockingbird". These poems and novels and short stories, they will scatter into the wind. You will wonder if you’re wandering through the pages of some story you've never even read. There’s no way to know. And no way to erase it. Even if you leave, a part of you will always be left behind. If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die."

Disappointed in myself for missing you.

I’m sorry that I’m still writing about you even when it was I who said goodbye once again. I’m sorry that you’re still my last thought of the day. I’m sorry that a part of me still wishes to see more messages from you. I’m sorry that I still find myself tearing up. I’m sorry that I was just too much. I’m sorry for not being good enough. I’m sorry for still staying when I told you I had walked out the door.

I wish I never liked you.

"I don't want to fall in love anymore."

People say they don’t want to fall in love because they don’t want to deal with the heartbreak and pain all over again like last time. However, if you continue to keep that security blanket on you and never take it off, how are you meant to find that special person who’s not going to “break your heart.” It’s all about taking a risk. As corny as this might sound, but isn’t the risk worth it if you give yourself the chance to be a step closer to finding “the one?” 

The process of liking someone is like an ongoing cycle that repeats itself. 
Someone who I didn't know, becomes someone I know, who later becomes someone I once knew and in the end, that someone becomes someone who I’d give my all to forget.

You know you are attached to someone when you have gotten so used to talking to them on a daily basis and they’ve become a part of your happiness. But when you guys don’t talk, it’s like a part of you is gone and you just start to miss them uncontrollably.
Don’t get attached. Don’t get attached. Don’t get fucking attached.

Do you ever meet someone who is so amazing and wonderful that you just enjoy their presence and friendship?

And then one day, you catch yourself thinking “Oh hey I would spend the rest of my life with someone just like you.”

... And then you freak out.

When you look at someone in their pictures, they always look happier than they are, or rather, than they were on that specific day it was taken.
It’s incredible how a simple smile can deceive how the human mind feels. I mean could you even imagine that if everyone actually was as happy as they looked? Would you even be able to tell their sorrow, their darkest secrets and all the agony that they have/feel?

That’s what I want out of my life. To be as happy as I am in these pictures when people look at them.

I think the best thing about crushes is the simple innocence of it. Just being excited about seeing that person and enjoying the secret.

Somewhere along the inevitable road of life I just gave up and stopped trying. How could it be that my once vibrant life fell into something quite bland? I do not blame the people around me; I quite appreciate the ones that can still deal with me. I blame myself for developing a train of thought that all good things come to an end. Thus conversations become shorter, going out becomes nights in, ultimately creating a barrier around myself because really why should I bother when everyone leaves in the end. 

As the years past by..

You think about the last. You think about all the memories that were created, all the conversations that echo of laughter and fun, all the friends you had made, and all the people you thought that would never leave you. And it’s funny how things can change so un-noticeably, where all the people who were once your day to day life, begin to slip away until they are nothing but a distant stranger. 

Why can’t people just be straight up with me.. It’s so much easier and faster to get through. Lol I’m getting tired of trying to figure out what’s behind those words and shit because sometimes I’m completely wrong and I look stupid as fek in the end.

I was so strong for so long, yet it only took you a matter of minutes to bring me down to a state of weakness. It seems you are what makes me vulnerable. 

But I’m on my way to becoming a stronger person than I was before. I won’t fall for your little games, nor tricks any more. And your sugar tainted words will no longer effect me in such a way because I know better. 

I know that your true intentions differ from that they appear.

Tonight is one of those nights when I realise how lonely I am, how much hope has departed, yet the memories haven't.

The "Falling" Stage.

When you meet someone, they become part of your daily routine. You talk on a daily basis, get to know each other. You start to miss them a little more everyday. Unsure feelings, are you starting to like them? You start developing more feelings for them, you simply just fall hoping they’d catch you too.

What if?

The thing about "what if" is that that’s all it is. A thought, a wish, a dream, a hope, thing that gets you through the day until you can lay in bed and just think, “what if.”

"what if…" anything and everything follows after that. Maybe it’s about your looks, the way you act, how you wish you could be more confident. Maybe it’s about how you wish that everything would just be better and easier.

These what if-s…they give you hope that someday it’ll get better. That everything will just lift the weight off your shoulders. But what if that weight could be lifted by yourself? YOU have the power within yourself to change how everything is. That seems weird coming from someone you don’t even know, and I know that you can’t make someone put down the bottle, leave the person they’re with, whatever it is.

But you can take care of yourself as much as you can. Sometimes we get so caught up in the fullness of our lives that we kinda forget to take care of ourselves. Maybe that means just sitting alone for 15 minutes and breathing. It could maybe perhaps to watch your favorite show and have a good laugh. For me, it’s having a cup of tea, play piano and just stop thinking. Or maybe you can always sleep it off.

For me, I keep hoping that everything will get better in time, I have hope for relationship and people. I have hope. Somewhere down the line, I tell myself to keep hope and that I need to take care of my life, and that if it doesn't work out, then that’s okay.

What if we took care of ourselves for a change?
What if we use some of that energy we spend on wishing for change to heal our own wounds?
What if we loved ourselves more?
What if tonight you find some inner peace that was long gone?

What if....?

It is not a question to be asked.
It’s about having hopes on things that we’re about to give up but we won’t.

Like I said...

Everything I write. Everything I say. Everything I post. Is a part of my story. It’s a part of me. So either you get to know me, or just shut the fuck up before you judge me. You don’t know my life and what I've been through. What gives you a right to judge the life I've been through? I've been kicked, hurt, beatened to the core. Your judgement can’t hurt a single bone in my body. When you've stepped a day in my shoes, saw my whole life story in the flash of your eyes, felt all my pain, learned my secrets, know me inside and out; that’s when I’ll truly be affected by your judgement. Other than that, you don’t know a thing about who I truly am. Don’t judge me by my appearance or on what you've heard. It could be as fake as the person who told you. You’ll just be blinded and deceived in the end.

PS. Happy October everybody! And for those coffee lovers out there, happy international coffee day! :)

PPS. Due to an overflow of requests, I have finally created a foodie adventure account on Instagram.. follow me if you are keen to come on this journey of food hunting with me!
IG: @melon.foodie

There are certain types of people, I know these people exist because I was one of them. We want what we can’t get, we chase and chase.

When we finally get what we want, we no longer want it, we get bored, tired. And look for another.

We’ll be forever chasing while what we really need is right under our noses.

For you see, the secret isn’t about finding the perfect person, but being able to be content and commit to one.

To follow my heart or my brain?
(LINK for people who want to read *ps in chinese*)

Meaningful convos > Flirty convos

Flirty and light-hearted conversations are fun at times, but those who actually talk about legit and meaningful stuff, that’s the people who I’m more attracted to.
People who just compliment you and tease you non-stop are those who flirt with everyone they can get their hands on. And that’s not exactly a good impression because you’re just one of the 100 others he/she flirts with.
Therefore people who know what they’re saying and actually talk about worthwhile things regardless of how small or boring it is, are the ones who are keepers. 

There is a difference between "fishing for compliments"... and being "dead set honest".

Believe it or not but sometimes, when I say I look ugly or disgusting, I mean it. No, I’m not expecting you to say "Oh no you’re not!" or anything along those lines. I’m not even expecting a positive response from you. What I’m saying is what I truly think, so don’t assume that when I say I look or feel like shit, that I’m just “fishing for compliments.” There’s a difference. Fishing for compliments is when you continuously say you look like shit when everybody knows that you know that you don’t. Being honest on the other hand is when you occasionally say you look like shit, when in fact, you do. 

Isn’t it amazing how many words you can use to explain the feeling of lost, sadness, depression, despair?
Yet I can only think of one word to describe the euphoria of love.

Love.

Slowly losing passion for everything.

All hopes, dreams, and expectations gone. 
Just like that I wondered where am I really going in life.

Sometimes my own thoughts break my heart.

And then I have to remind myself to lift my chin up and breathe in the world around me; breathe it in so that the hopelessness doesn’t swallow me complete and whole.

It is a game of constant push and pull. My negativity breaks me down, and my inability to accept my fate, keeps me going.

I do wonder sometimes though, if my thoughts would ever bleed and poison into my world.

Breaking point...

Is it bad that I feel the urge to break down and cry about every hour or so? I can just be having a normal conversation and then a person says one word that triggers something in my ever-roaming mind. No, it isn’t hormones... I just have so much in my head, so much going on that I can’t keep up and I’m honestly breaking inside every single day.... I need guidance.... I need closure... I've been too strong for so long... I feel like I'm losing the strength to continue anymore....

I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone. 
I like riding the bus alone, and walking home alone. 
I like eating alone, and listening to music alone. It gives me time to think, and set my mind FREE.
But when I see a mother with her child, a girl with her lover, or a friend laughing with their bestfriend, I realise that eventhough I like being alone, I don’t fancy being lonely. The sky is lovely, but the people are sad. I just need someone who won’t run away.

F A M I L Y♡

FAMILY IS ALWAYS FIRST PRIORITY.
And... sometimes, I tend to forget that. Sometimes, I’m just busily living my social life and putting family second not realising that without family, I’m nothing.
People who take their family for granted and prefer to just worry about friends and their social life. But believe me, family should be your first priority. Because honestly, you can live without friends. You can live without the popularity. But you can not live without the people who put you into this world and who will always love you unconditionally. 

Have you ever met someone?

Have you ever met someone who just puts you in the greatest mood? The person who takes all your worries away and just makes you feel like you’re actually alive? Sounds pretty cliche but you should keep them in your life because they are the type of people you need. They are the keepers.

Time heals all wounds, its true.. or maybe I have just learned to live with or ignore the burning pain it yields. Mind over matter? 

All these people think they know me from what they hear. I hear what you people hear. I sit there and laugh. I could hardly care what goes around, but if you let other people’s judgement cloud over your first impression that has not even occurred and this stops you from getting to know me. Then let it be so. 

I temporarily fall in love with like any guy that's nice to me like the checkout guy at Target told me to “stay dry” this morning because it was raining and I thought about him for like 2 hours after that.

White guys are slick.

So I was at work today and a group of six came in, 4 white guys and 2 white girls. They left after they were done eating. An hour later, one white guy came back and told me his watch was missing. We went to the table he sat in and looked around. We couldn’t find it so I asked for his number just in case we do find it. I wrote down his number and then he goes “I’m gonna be honest with you. I didn’t lose a watch. I didn’t want to say this in front of my friends but you’re really pretty. I just wanted an excuse to come by and ask for your number, but now you have mine so feel free to text me sometime.” 

GOLDEN RULES.

Just a few of the simple things I try to live by each and every day;

Live everyday like it is you last. Do everything that you have wanted to do, say everything that you wanted to say because there is no time for you to be worrying about what could have, should have but didn’t. I say go wild, go crazy but regret nothing. Whatever happened, happened, there is no way you are able to change the past so why worry about it? Is it because people are going to talk? Life is too short to live by what other people have to say about you. At the end of the day who is going to be left by your side? Just you. The people who talk, do they matter to you? No? So why should what they say matter either.

You are who you are because of the past, the better of it and the worst. The past is what makes up you, without it you would not be in the very position you are in today therefore everything happens for a reason. I believe life has this great plan for us, in a funny sort of way. Sure you`ll go past plenty of obstacles, but eventually you will finish the race and get to where you wanted to be. You will only fail if you don’t try. If you give it your best to achieve what you set out to achieve and not exactly reach it. It’s okay, as long as you know that you didn’t give only half of what you got and then failed.

This list could possibly go on and on about how I hold myself up day and day by but I think I will end it here with a simple there is always a rainbow after the rain. 

It was magical while it lasted and I’ll never forget it but..
I’m not dwelling on it anymore. This is it. I have to put a stop to this. I have to stop thinking about you. It’s draining me and I am getting reminded all the time of how immature I was to think that escaping is the solution. I’m moving on to the next chapter.

I admit it, I’m attached to you. Guilty as charged.

Even if we can’t be together in the end, I’m glad you were apart of my life.
How did I let myself get so attached?

Dedications for: twenty-year-olds-ish who have never been loved

All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3am conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. You have never worn a lover’s sweater or “forgotten” it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes your hands shake so hard it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack.

This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity.
Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth?

The answer is no. 

The better answer is that someone out there, somewhere in the world, is “wondering what it’s like to meet someone like you,” and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-‘em-up drug, and they’re just about ready to inject it into someone else’s bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen.

At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you’d still feel emptier than that canyon itself. Maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past.

For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you’re going to hit the point where you’re so desperate for human contact that you’re going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk.

The truth is that there are people out there.. just like you, and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. They’re what you might call a soulmate.

They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, but you’re really both two halves of a whole.

And one day you’ll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you’ll make one.

Dreams.

They explore your deepest, most inner thoughts, ones that you forgotten, locked away with a key and had thrown away. Ones that you wish you never had. Ones that you were unaware of and had barely given them a thought when awake. Yet I close my eyes and they are so clear to me. I am afraid. 

Are you dreams or are you nightmares? 

Dear blocked numbers,

You seem to call me from time to time. Some days you just call and there is no answer on the other line, other days you call and I’ll be having a vivid conversation to a fellow named ‘Bob.” Then I get those odd days where you like to call me at 4 in the morning; and every word that comes out of your mouth is dirty as fck!

I just want to know who you are, AND HOW'D YOU GET MY NUMBER!

The actual, physical ache you feel in your chest and in your bones when you’re so sad is fucking awful.

R E L A P S E S.

When I thought I’ve grown stronger, it comes right back hitting me in the face. It controls me in ways that I don’t want it to. It lets me become numb to physical pain. It lets me harm myself. People tell me to grow up, to accept it, but that’s because they don’t know how this feels. They don’t know how it feels to hurt to the point of physically hurting yourself to cover up that pain. They will never understand.

Disappointed in myself for missing you.

I'm so comfortable being alone that sometimes I don’t even know how to ask for help when I need it the most, and that terrifies me.

It's so cute when you talk to someone a lot and then you notice the little phrases that you use and the stupid little things you say slipping into their vocabulary more and more...

Fairytales.

They gave me such a high expectation of life.
Like the stories will always have the same structure: there will be a ordinary guy/girl whose lives just magically changed one day and something/someone will try to screw it up.. but whatever happens, the main character will always have a happy ending. Eventhough these fairytales are clearly fictional; at least they could've been a bit more realistic so we, as normal people, can somehow relate to it or have a slight chance that we’ll have the same perfect happy ending… reality is like completely different; you don't just find the right guy out of nowhere and you surely don't just become a gorgeous princess too. Reality sure do sucks sometimes.

What is purposely made unknown to someone by another is rather dangerous. What needs to be hidden usually has the ability to create massive destruction and once the truth serves as a wretchedness that you can’t get rid of, it makes you suffer by constantly reminding you to look back on what you had found out. Honestly, I hate finding out things that are too much for me to handle. It’s so frustrating sometimes to know what I know and want to forget what I know. Do I blame the person for not letting me know, or should I thank them for not letting me know sooner, to have saved me from all those times of suffering? It’s a battle that I can never win.  

I feel like my life is a never ending movie.

.... Like a director is picking scenes that make my life harder and harder. He may once in a while throw in a happy scene but my smiles aren't genuine, there's always still something in the back of my mind that I have to worry about. A director can cut characters in and out of your life, just like reality how some important people can just leave your life… just like that. A director can control what’s happening in the movie, but someday I’m going to take over and make this movie my own. Take control of my own life. I once asked myself why birds don't just fly wherever they want since they have wings but then I realised I should be asking myself the same question.. Why not spread my wings and fly?

Ever felt like you are just out of your league?

... That this particular someone is just too good for you? That this person would never ever even consider you? We've all at one stage believed that someone else is just plainly too perfect to even be close to you and yet you wish and hope that there might be a chance.
But then reality hits you - “Wait, how can he/she even think twice about getting with me?” I’m just simple, 'average' me and it sucks knowing that being “me” will never be good enough for you. 

Sometimes..

I get really hesitant about posting up what I feel or how my day was on here. I don’t exactly know why..  But sometimes, I feel like I’m being judge on what I post. And I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I just do, for some reason. But then I realise that I made a blog, to rant. So it shouldn't even matter if I’m being judge or criticise by. This is my blog and I get to say whatever I want. If people don’t like it, then they don’t have to go on my blog and read my posts. Just simply unfollow me.
“Just brush it off”, something I always tell myself. It actually works, because I start caring less about what others have to say. 

What is it about the midnight that amplifies your emotions and thoughts? Why is there such thing as a 2am personality or what is it about 2am that makes people want to receive an "I miss you" text? Why are we awake during the hours that we’re supposed to be sleeping and we allow ourselves to drown in our emotions and thoughts? What is it about those hours that makes us want to spill everything to someone?

I have realised some things.

Most people don’t communicate anymore - everyone always says things, but why does it feel like that’s all that we do half of the time?

I mean we tend to pick out pretty words, sometimes ugly, unpleasing and painful words to say. We use them in strings and/or in clusters. We then create them into sentences, we speak them, we write them, we allow people to hear our thoughts. We use them in our conversations.

And what I've come to realised is that when I look at these statements, these conversations - it looks like one statement after another. No questions, no concern, no feeling. What happened to the passion that used to be placed so carefully on our tongues, only to leap out and create sensations so special that they could not be understood on the outer level? 

I have this theory.

The theory.. that the more important and intimate the emotion between a couple, the fewer the words are required to express it, for instance:

The Stages:

Six words - Will you go out with me?
Five words - I care for you ok?
Four words - You’re important to me.
Three words - I love you.
Two words - Marry Me?

So what’s left? 

The most important and intimate word you can ever say to anybody would be your last stage, stage six. 

 6. One word - Goodbye.

I always have this “I don’t need anyone” mentality because honestly, I don’t need anyone.
Yeah it’s nice to have company once in awhile, but being alone is when I truly feel most comfortable. I know I take people for granted, and I’m selfish, and stupid at times. And it’s all gonna hit me hard one day. But maybe I don’t try because I just feel like everyone and everything is so temporary. Maybe when I actually don’t have someone waiting on me is when I really appreciate what I have. No matter what, it’s always gonna be too late.

Last day of July.

It’s been awfully long since I've written something that I’m proud of. I haven’t been posting much if you haven’t noticed. It’s rare for me to actually write these days, simply because I don’t find a need to. I’ve finally reached that point where my words are shortened when there’s not much to complain or vent about. I think it would be safe to say that I have grown out that stage in my life where I was so used to my emotions overtaking me as a person and that I’m no longer a emotional individual who likes to depend on others to fill the hollowness I feel inside.

These days, after experiencing all the heartbreaking lessons I’ve been forced to learn, I’m numb to an extreme, I’m numb to my feelings, to the people around me and to my surroundings. I pushed people far away. I’m not exactly sure how I got like this or what made me a completely different person than who I was a year or two back but what I do know is I was once too caring, I cared too much only to receive broken promises in return. And quite frankly, I think the best way to not let your emotions get the best of you is to be carefree. Carefree as in letting yourself go — don’t mind the silent whispers others have said about you, don’t mind the perspectives of another when it comes to yourself and don’t be afraid to show who you really are, don’t fight against your feelings, let them out. Cry if you want to, scream if you want to but make sure to pick yourself up afterwards. Take a glance in the mirror to really discover your true self and what is hidden deep within the layers of your skin.

I say this because I know ten, twenty years from now I will reflect back on what kind of person I was at this very moment of time and laugh at myself for always being so over-caring. And it’s stupid, because is that really who I want to be? Twenty years into the future, nobody is going to remember what you wore on a certain day, what you have said in the past or how you were like today because nothing we wear, nothing we say, nothing we do will matter. Twenty years from now, nobody will care about you as much as they used to because they got their own life now. Twenty years from now, the people who once gave you so much to remember will only become a distanced memory, blurry in mind, painless in thought. Twenty years from now, what will be important is how you portray yourself. Either way, it’s never too early to get your priorities straightened out. Don’t mind the people or things that are causing you stress now. You’ll thank yourself later.

Have you ever... let go of someone?

Someone who is special to you, someone you have grown close to over time. A someone, that you argued countless times with. Someone who you try so hard to give up on, someone who you have told yourself a million times you wouldn't talk to ever again, but at the end of the day, you both wouldn't be able to resist the temptation and you would both give in, thus giving each other another chance.
Another chance for the same mistakes.
And finally, when both of you have reached your breaking points, you both are wanting to end it once and for all, but the lingering feelings you guys have are holding you back. And when it comes down to it, that one conversation that would either have you two make up or break up, you have too much pride to tell them to stay, so you let them slip away. Then you end up regretting what you did not do, because you know they would have stayed if you told them to. I’d like to call them, the one that got away.

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but when you connects with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.

And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realised your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Everything happens for a reason, nothing happens by chance or by means of luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience help to create who you become.

Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart.
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things.

Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don’t believe in yourself; it will be hard for others to believe in you.

You can make of your life anything you wish.
Create your own life then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets.

One thing about me is that I’m a hider.

I tend to hide things. Emotionally and physically. I don’t like talking to people about how I feel because most of the time, I don’t even know how to describe it or what I’m feeling.

When someone ask me what’s wrong, I usually just reply with a “I'm fine" or jokingly brushing it off, smile and change topic. I mean it’s not that I don’t want to tell them, but it’s just because my mind is filled with so many endless thoughts. Thousands and thousands of thoughts that I just don’t know how to explain.

It’s like I’m numb. My feelings are numb. My mouth is numb. My mind is numb. I can’t describe anything because words can’t even explain the way I feel.

I’m here, but I’m not really here. I’m alive, but not really living. I’m exhaling, but not breathing.

Do you ever just want to disappear for a while? I mean, delete everything. Tumblr, Facebook, any other social media sites you have. Erase messages and don’t answer calls. Sometimes I just want to disappear underneath this blanket of stars and get lost somewhere where no one will find me but myself because I think I forgot how to breathe without thinking of others. I forgot how to care for myself without putting others before me. 
And I feel like doing this right now....

I don’t think anyone seriously understands how much I want to escape. It’s like when you’re just too damn freaking frustrated with yourself because you can’t get anything right and that’s how I feel with my life right now. 
I am never going to be perfect or happy and I’m just so angry and sad at the same time. 
I’m tired of it all. 
I don’t want to be here anymore. 
I don’t want to try anymore.

This afternoon.

Just went through all the blog posts I made here. It's always an interesting experience because I forget about certain things that have happened in my life eventhough its only been a few years. As I was scanning through old posts, I felt the need to re-read a couple that stood out at me. There were also some posts where I was so tempted to delete them that I felt needed to go. Ones where I was upset or probably shouldn't have blogged and shared at all... after all, from the start, I have been using this blog more as an online diary. So ya, this afternoon ended up being like a huge reflections exercise to not only see the blog evolve over the last few years but myself included.

I am tired.

• tired of feeling like I put out all the effort
• tired of being walked over
• tired of the bullshit
• tired of being useless
• tired of missing people I used to know
• tired of feeling worthless
• tired of lies
• pretending to be happy
• not being “good enough”
• everything I say is always wrong.
• I’m always the bitch.
• not trying hard enough.

... Just tired of it all.

The future is unravelling itself and the outcome is blurry but whatever it is… I am really afraid.

It’s literally the funniest thing ever when dudes ask me to hook them up with my girlfriends. I'm just like LMAO.. not in a million years!!! I love and respect my girls to death and they are too good for any dude I know. And I know my girls.. Even if I did introduce you all, I PROMISE that you’d be wasting your time because they would not be interested. So puh-lease… Dismiss yourself.

PS. New updates: I did some winter-cleaning in this blog and updated some bits and pieces. So the main ones I updated are:
- "me in a nutshell" page (LINK)
- I haven't been to tumblr and formspring for a very long time and I see all these bundles of similar questions over and over again, sorry for not replying. I have created an ask.fm account in which apparently it's a great platform to ask questions directly or anonymously.
So from now on, I will answer any questions/queries on: ask.fm/shemelon

PEACE xoxo

We all live in a world where everyone is judged by society, looks v.s. personality, and here’s the honest truth. Looks will always come before personality － in the beginning at least. It doesn't matter how great your personality is, the first thing people notice about you will be your looks and you will be judged based on the way you present yourself with your outside appearance. Let’s put it this way, if you were put into a position where you had to choose between someone with a flawless face, a gorgeous smile and a great sense of style OR someone that’s average looking, of course you would pick the person who looks better, no matter how bad of a personality they have, because personality never outshines looks at first glance. The problem with people complaining about how they always go into the wrong relationships, and they always end up hurt by “assholes” or “players” is you have to know it’s you who put yourself into those situations so there’s no one to else to blame for your mistakes. In order to not repeat the same concept, you will just have to open your eyes and look beyond someone’s looks for once, then maybe you’ll find something that will actually be worthy of your time. I’m not saying looks aren't an important quality, it is. Face it, who doesn't want to be with someone that they can show off to the whole world? But what I am saying is, we often pass up on people who have been right in front of our eyes because we never thought of giving them a chance.

PS. This is a post dedicated to one of my close girlfriends x

Love,
Velene xoxo

Before this day comes to an end, I just wanted to dedicate a lil' somethin to my parents.

Although it is my birthday today, I should not have been the star of the show.

21 years ago on this exact day, my parents joyfully brought me unto this wonderful world. And for the past 21 years they had to endure my stubborn, hard-headed, selfish, ignorant demeanor (sometimes I wonder why you guys never disowned me haha) They guided and stayed with me through all the hardships and low lows that I have faced and celebrated the highs.

Mum, thank you for never giving up on me, 21 years ago when you struggled during labour, on those days where I don't listen and when I argue back stubbornly. Thank you for telling me that I am worth everything in this world, that I should be treated like a queen, and that I should never settle for anything less. Thank you for being you, for being someone I will forever look up to.

Dad, thank you for being my role model, for teaching me what life is worth. Thank you for being my biggest fan, through the wins and the fails. Thank you for putting family first, and sacrificing everything you have so that we are happy. Thank you for always believing in me, in my potential to do whatever I wanted to do in life. Thank you for telling me to fight for what I believe in, and to stand up for myself for nothing but the very best. I will always be my "daddy's girl".

my instagram

Once again, this day shouldn't be about me, it's about my mummy and daddy.
I thank everyday that out of all the parents that I have you guys, a perfect match and a perfect plan. Cheers to 21 years of love! I really love you guys :D

Thankyou for those people who messaged me happy bday greetings, I will reply to them soon :)

Love,
Velene xoxo

It's impossible to be loved by everyone.

You can’t be loved by everyone. Why? Because of society. Sometimes you try to be nice and you try to respect everyone around you, but there are those kinds of people who put you down and tell other people that you’re just being fake and you just want something from them. Of course you get hate, it has become a normal thing in life now. You might get hate, but you also get love at the same time.

Early birthday gathering

Today I had an early birthday celebration with my pharmily! Eventhough not all could make it due to work and other reasons, but luckily there were some who came♥
We lunched at Brotzeit  in the 140 Lane Perth. Since I own another blog that dedicates to food and beauty reviews, I have posted a post there.

Check it out HERE!

Enjoy reading!

Have a lovely night y'all! :)

Love,
Velene xoxo

Do you ever wonder about people sometimes?

The ones you've touched slightly but never did they remain in your presence for a long time. I meant those you said “Hi” to when walking in the school hallways, those who went to your birthday parties when you were a kid but never again when you became a teenager, those strangers you met on the street and maybe had a random conversation with. I sometimes think about the people I used to know and talk to. I wonder how they’re doing.

Final choice.

4th July 2015: Though I admit, I said goodbye to you so many times, but today is the day..  Goodbye. Again. For the final time.

Quote of the day: "There are people we can't live without, but have to let go."

The ones who are always the first to start a conversation with you, listens to your problems and even goes as far as continuing after your one word replies, be thankful of them because no one would waste time on someone they don’t care about. 

I don’t believe it when someone says looks don’t matter.

In fact, I think it’s complete bullshit. You can try to tell me otherwise and argue that from your point of view but I mean, looks do and will always matter to a certain point.

For example: have you ever heard someone say I want to get to know him/her because their personality is stunning? Probably not, because when you meet someone, the first clear impression you get of them will be their looks, since I don’t think it’s possible for anyone’s personality to be written out on their forehead.

Truth to be told, in order for you to want to get to know someone on a more intimate level, you have to be attracted to the way they look. But as time go on, it’s the way they present themselves which makes them more appealing. Such as the way they dress, talk or the way they do certain things.

And overall, personality matters the most because you can’t change your personality with your outside appearances.

Grateful.

Lately I feel really blessed to have such supportive group of friends, some friends that we haven't contact for quite a while because we each go to different pathways, but when one bumped into each other, it felt like no time has passed at all! Seeing all these people lately (that I initially thought we drifted as we head to different pathways) made me appreciate more to who I'm surrounded with :) I know for the fact that every person in my life serves a purpose. This gives me more of a reason to stay and be glad that I'm still alive :)

Not just friends-wise, I am also so super blessed for all the success this blog has been getting. I can't thankyou enough for following, sending in questions, dropping by to say hi and even just stopping by the page for a second. It's really nice of all of you and I love you guys for it.
Lately, since my birthday is approaching, most of you have been mailing me early presents.... I am damn shocked by the amount and type of kind gifts I have received. Some of the gifts I must say, are very high-end branded products... I really do hope that if you are planning to gift me, please do not over-spend, I feel really bad :( for I do not think I deserve these kinds of luxury goods, I only merely help you all in the best of my ability and wish for nothing in return.
*I will do the reviews once I have tried on them on my beauty blog, do stay in tune!*

All these blessings I've been receiving, I just realised they have been here my whole life, I just didn't take the time to see them…
Yet, I still feel like something is missing.

Monday thoughts.

"Day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different."

I now truly understand what they meant by that time heals and change everything. From what was once so major back then to now, worth little or nothing.
Back then, when I missed you, I looked back on our conversations - I reminisced the good times and then I wondered what led from texting everyday to nothing.
But now.
As I casually scrolled back our old conversations, I don't feel the way I felt anymore in the past. Even just by reading few messages, I stopped, I couldn't even continue to read anymore and it's not because I felt heartbroken to read anymore but I felt sick to the stomach and wondered why I wrote and think the way I did then.
And I realised time inevitably made me grew and experiences changed me.

I am still the same me, but now more capable to know the differences between what's right for me, what is something I should never get close to and what is something that if I touch once, I should never touch it again.

A while ago, one of my friends actually pointed out to me that I don't really ask for advice or suggestion even when I actually ask for it *does that make sense? :P Let me explain~*
So that one time, I tried to ask her for her opinion/advice/suggestion, she then stated that I did not really ask her for it, as in no matter what advice she gives, I already am stuck in my own little world, with my own thoughts as I had actually made up my mind/decided what I really wanted. When she said it, I realised that is actually very true indeed, yes, eventhough in my mind, I have already made up my decision, somehow I just want someone to reassure me and my decisions.

Her words surely stroke me as we can count as very close friends and I thought that she would have told me what to do. Yet I was surprised that she could point out what others didn't, at least what I did not realise, and at the moment I told myself she was right.

She was right that I don't really take advice in application even if I ask. There are also most of you that claimed that I actually make good decisions. This seems to be a great compliment for me, it is one big compliment yet I doubt I deserve it. I don't think I deserve it as even I myself, can't really decide what I really want, and also what's best for me. Especially that feeling of uncertainty after a decision is made.

Perhaps sometimes I could be lucky enough to make a right decision for someone when they asked me to, and am sorry if I did not. Though I really do sometimes wonder why would most of you have such faith in me, saying that I make good decisions when I don't really know which direction I am actually heading to.

I have to admit, yes it's true that I am recently bothered by something. I don't think I can just run away from this, pretending like it's not happening, I have promised myself to face it with courage. I have made my decision up but I just don't have the guts to speak out.

This is really hard. This dilemma is bringing me down. I need to breathe.

I don't understand.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a retard. I mean, I can figure out situations easily in my head. I already know what I wanna say and how to say it, and I can have my emotions under control. But somewhere along the lines of putting what's in my mind out there verbally, I mess up. I say things and they sound horribly, or they can easily be misinterpreted into something I never meant. I just turn out to be an asshole because I end up hurting people.
I hurt people I never want to see hurt, because I’m incapable of saying the right things when it matters most.

We are never ever getting back together.

I don't know what got me today.. I somehow had the courage to type out a message to him - literally telling him along the line that I don't feel the same way as he had for me (anymore)... which was true but I didn't feel that kind of vibe coming at me and that I had actually conveyed that meaning (directly) in just few lines... I haven't been this straightforward for such a long time...
But all this contributes to the experiences I have been through.... I've been hurt before. I've been a victim before when I was too nice. Me being victimized still haunt me when I sleep.
For one time, I ain't nice. Not to anyone anymore. And same to him.
Being nice just land me in a place full of trouble, heartache, deceit and lies.
I felt like it's the time that I really move forward and embrace whatever life has to offer right now.
To be honest, when he didn't reply to my message, I felt terrible, my mind was literally shouting at me, "Dude, what have you done? Your direct message must have hurt him and that shutted him up!" But the terrible-ness I felt was like a minute until it kicks in that why should I care.
If I had care, I wouldn't have said it right?

We drifted. I tried. You didn’t. I’m tired. Goodbye.

And somehow this quote reminded me:

“Sometimes you tell someone to never call you again, and then the phone rings and you hope it’s them. It’s the most twisted logic of all time.” - John Mayer

It's pretty much like the same logic, except this time is completely different.
I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore.
What I said was irreversible.
But I can do this.
I can pull this through.
And as one of my best friends said, all it takes is just to believe in yourself that there's a rainbow and light at the end of the tunnel.

A list on how to try to get over them:

Before I start listing, below's the 10 tips I have compiled for YOU to get over your ex, whether you've been dumped or initiated the broke up...

1) CRY it out as much as you can!! It's good for you! Let it all out while you can.

2) Keep in mind that this is temporary and that time can heal. But. If you're not a believer in time being the healer, then keep in mind that time inevitably replaces old memories with new ones.

3) You are BETTER without them. MUCH BETTER without them. When you start believing that you need someone else in order to function, that's when you lost yourself in someone else.

4) This probably may not be your first devastating loss, but it is DEFINITELY NOT your last one either. There are MORE to come. This is a bit discouraging to hear, but you have to UNDERSTAND that you can't avoid loss. You will continue to lose over and over again, but it is MORE about how YOU handle yourself and MAINTAIN composure in the midst of such loss.

5) Sometimes you have just to FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT! Cry when you need to BUT REMEMBER that the energy you have is the energy that also affects other people. Don't drown yourself in sadness. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP. But don't be afraid to ask for the sympathy of others whenever you need it.

6) BLAST THOSE FUCKING BREAKUP JAMS and instantly repair your ego.

7) SURROUND yourself with the people that know you DESERVE so much better than them and you can get through this with their support.

8) DON'T KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THEM. Don't check their social networks. Cleanse them out of your life. They say it takes 3 months of absolutely no communication to be able to let go and forgive. With that being said, it's going to be THE MOST PAINFUL 3 MONTHS OF YOUR LIFE. But it will work to your advantage in the long run.

9) DON'T GROW BITTER. The last thing you want to do is SHUT the rest of the world out and reject future opportunities with someone that could treat you WAY BETTER than they ever did.

10) DON'T find "quick fixes" to ease the pain. That vodka shot or that temporary high won't make you FORGET them forever. LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN. Love is a losing game, but you always have to get back in it. I'm not saying have another relationship instantly, BUT LEARN to open up again :)

And lastly, GOOD LUCK :)

Love,
Velene xoxo

Dream.

I rarely dream. But when I do. It's not a good sign. Because... *I don't really want to sound really psychic or creepy here*, but somehow what I dreamed.. it happens.

For the past 3 nights, eventhough I have been sleeping quite late around 3am because of studying and waking up around 7am to continue this routine, I dreamed consecutively and it's all on that one person. Him.

I have no idea how he appeared in my dream for the past 3 nights when he wasn't in my mind lately.

I brushed it off after first night but as the 2nd and 3rd dreams came, both were so vivid that I myself, am creeped out.

The thing is we haven't even met yet... but the most strangest and weirdest fact is that what occurred in the dreams, were what we planned to do - which was to meet-up.
And in the dream, it was during the meet-up that he said something that was unexpected (but was expected, it was just that I never knew he would say it kinda gist) - and it felt so surreal that my heart ached, I felt myself crying in the dream and I too woke up crying.

But.. what was the ache for?

I thought my feelings for him faded in this 1.5 year period, in which I have nearly made myself to believe that.. until he appears again out of the blue, was it then a reminder that my heart still yearns for him.... even up until now.. despite so many things had happened? 

Exams.

Exams are coming down the pike and I still can't get the knack of all the 5 units I'm doing this semester. Many gave off the impression that waltzing through a uni bachelor degree is very much possible because it's easy *as you just need a pass to get through* but no. I honestly don't think it is anything like what it is.

When it comes to assignment deadlines, tests and exam periods, you can see my face furrowed and distorted. Many would ask me to take a chill pill and not be all stressed up, but have you ever seen a stress-free uni student? I haven’t, unless you count the freshmen who mess up the first half of the semester, say “screw it” and never attend lectures again. But then, that’s not what I'm talking about here. Stress is a HUGE part of the whole uni experience, and it’s something we all have to deal with in life. However, I'll try my very best not to let it get the best of me.

Ah okay I better stick my nose into my book and glue my fingers onto my notes.  NOW. 

Being an asian kid.

When your parents yell at you and start to compare you to your cousins, friends, family, people. Like really? Don’t compare me to someone else. I’m obviously not that person. If you like them so much go tell them to be your kid. Sorry for my mistakes and wrong-doings. I’m sorry I can’t be a perfect child for you, but don’t compare me to other people, I don’t like that.  

2:35am

Dear friend,
It had been awhile since we've last talked. I don’t even recall where we had left off.
So I was surprised when I saw a missed call from you in the middle of the night. Somehow I instantly knew something was wrong... because you never call me.
When I called back and heard your voice, I could tell that you had been crying. And that was the first. You told me how he suddenly ended the relationship, eventhough things were going so well for both of you. I have always find it strange how people can change their minds so easily like the weather - one minute warm and sunny and next minute, colder than winter.
It hurts to see you hurt.
But as you were telling me about him, I suddenly remembered the day I said the same words that he said to you, to someone else.
What a vicious cycle.
How can I despise such a man - so cruel and heartless, yet identify myself with him?
And that's when I realised... I am not always the victim, nor am I the hero.
Sometimes.. I end up being the person holding the knife.
And maybe you don't even realise it...
Until hearing the other side of the story from someone else, when it's too late.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder...

... did I really love you for who you are, or did I love you because of the way you made me feel?
Maybe I didn't love you after all, I just loved the times we shared, the things we did for each other and how I’ll never be able to think of loving someone else, the way I loved you.

For the first time in weeks, I physically, mentally and emotionally feel extremely tired.
I can't take it anymore. I realised I'm not as strong as I think I was.
I cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to sort myself out. Eventhough I'm getting help at the moment, I just don't know how I can pull through it all and recover from this trauma... It's like I'm in this tunnel of darkness where no light can be seen.
I found that as the day passes by, it's more and more harder to retain my “mask” around my surroundings aka my friends and even my family - a form of myself to assure everyone that I'm fine, while I'm breaking down inside. I'm sick and tired of this form of pretense that I’m okay, lying to myself and everybody else. And I am hoping that this pretense would eventually become real.
I know for the fact that something's slowly unfolding inside me, little by little, I'm changing, not entirely sure whether it's for good or bad.. But I'm definitely sure that I'm not the same person I was at the start of the year and will never be anymore....
So much are happening right now, with uni finishing this week, exams in less than 2 weeks and my feelings are still a pool of muddles and indecisiveness.
I still haven't sort myself up yet and I haven't give a response yet to someone who cares about me.. I know that what happened to me this time, will be a super long recovery road. For the first time ever, I don't even know when will I fully recover..
I just want.. I need a break.
A break to escape reality.
I want to let all the emotions out.
I admit, for the first time, I'm struggling for real.
I want to cry it all out.
I am suffocating.
I can't hold it anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I cannot...

First Love.

That's exactly what they are. They are the ones that introduced you to everything, made you love them, and loved you back..
*And no, I'm not being miserable and sappy here, I'm just writing what's in my mind currently*
Your first love made you crazy and confused the hell out of you. It's freaking amazing though because it's your first time. Your first love brought chances in your life.
And when it's over. No matter how hurt you are, you'll always love them. Always. They'll stay with you forever. And not only will you not notice it, but deep down you will compare every other person to them. And none of them will live up, because that person was your first love.
Then after months of letting go, when you finally think you are okay with letting them go, they'll text, or you'll hear "your" song, or something that reminds you of how much they meant and how much you really loved them and realise you're not completely over this person as much as you hoped.

And sometimes when I see couples who are each other's first love and have been together for quite some time through all the ups and downs, I feel sad. But that doesn't mean I haven't let go or haven't moved on, it simply means I've experienced loss which means I've experienced life.

First love is unforgettable.

Source: The Heirs :')

You know I hate those quotes along the line that say “You don’t need a man to be happy” and stuff like that. I mean not everyone literally needs a man to be happy, they just want to have someone to love them the way they wanted to. To listen to them. To take care for them. They want the feeling of love.
So basically when girls want boyfriends, it’s not the matter of having a man to complete you, it’s just a matter of being loved, of being wanted.

I want a nice body, but then like..

food.

I love having those friends where I don’t have to talk to them for months and when we finally catch up, we pick things up right where it ended and everything feels the same as before. I feel guilty that I let most of my friendships drift apart but then isn't it the fact that it’s kind of like a test to see how strong the friendship is in the first place?

Sometimes things happen and you realise you can never go back to being the exact same person you were before. No matter how hard you try, you just can't go back, because, your perceptions have changed. You learn to get used to the change, but you're never the same again. Smiling does not mean the skies are clear, but remember that a smile can make a difference and go a long way.

I felt like I shouldn't talk with you anymore, barging in your life like that, with me and my problems. I'm sorry. I know you really do care about me. I really appreciate that. But now is just not the time.
PS. If you are ever reading this, I'm truly sorry that you found out here instead of me telling you directly. It is really the time that I let you go and not disturb your life anymore..

I ended up crying on the side of a road and a random person asked me if I was okay.
I didn’t know what to say and they just gave me a hug and said, “I’m sad too but it’s okay, everything gets better” and that was by far the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for me.

Do you ever feel like you’re waiting for something that isn’t ever going to happen? Like, you’re basing all your decisions on "if’s" and "maybe’s", and uncertainty?

And sometimes, no matter how much you want to get up and leave, there's something that draws you back, to continue waiting. Perhaps it’s all the time you've already spent on something, and to lose that suddenly, for nothing, seems kind of pointless. But, why continue wasting time?

Thought/rant of the day~

I get so disgusted when someone laughs at a disabled kid or a kid who has down-syndrome or whatnot. I cringe when I see someone who is actually heartless enough to imitate the poor kid’s actions and light-heartedly laugh at their disabilities. No words can describe how revolted and hurt I feel knowing that there are people out there who just look past these unfortunate souls and just take them as clowns. Eurggh. 

The problem with me is that no matter how bad I want to talk to you, I'll never make the first move because I have too much pride and I’m stubborn as fuck.

Had a dnm talk with one of my baes recently about this, she is the first person to give me a totally different advice on how to approach this X situation, from her advices, they definitely reinforced my views and certain beliefs, for example, what passed was the past. Continuing to live every day to the fullest as it's a blessing to be alive in this world x

PS. Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!
PPS. I did a review on Laneige Power Essential Skin Refiner on my beauty blog!
PPPS. I too did a snack review of Tokyo Banana Original!

Have fun reading! ;)

HAPPY MUMMY DAY!

My mummy has a default grumpy face 24/7 and it's really rare to see her smile.

Everyone thinks I’m indestructible.

The girl who never flinches. The girl who always has a smile on. The girl who’s gone through nothing. The girl who has no scars. I am not going to lie, sometimes the way you act or look can be deceiving. I don’t want to live behind a wall of laughter and smiles anymore. I want people to understand me, I want people to understand how hard it is to be me, and still be expected to be happy. This is why I write on here. To let out all the venom that has poisoned me and away from the real world.
It’s sad how everyone else just fall apart, yet I don’t know why I am still keeping it all together?

No one can understand you thoroughly.

Even if you were to spill out everything or expose them to a certain situation by explaining it in complete detail. It is hard for one to feel the exact pain of another or try to understand how they might be feeling when you have never really took a step in their shoes. Sure, you might have been in the same situation someone else before, but everyone experiences different feelings because we’re all incomparable people with different backgrounds. And that’s what makes each one of us unique, our feelings and experiences are what differ us from one another.

I miss being a kid....

I look back at... when life was so relax, so easy-going and well, simple. When the only thing that worried me was whether my tamagotchi pet has eaten yet or whether I’ll be able to watch my favourite cartoon. Fuck, I could walk out in my pajamas with my messy hair for all I care. And then there’s the opposite sex; in which I was not interested in whatsoever and would rather stay away from them, because "boy germs" LOL. Life was so straightforward. I had a daily schedule in which I was happy to live by. No distractions, no homework, no drama, no heartbreak, no nothing.
And here I am, thinking how stupid I was when I was small, thinking I wanted to grow up quickly. Man, I would love to go back to the way things were, when not eating my dinner was the only crime in the house, when I would actually appreciate every little detail and love my parents give me.. where everything in my life was so un-complicated. When I was just a gullible and innocent kid who did not really know reality.

Revenge.

Revenge is not sweet. But sometimes, just sometimes; I can’t help but feel that I should give the other person the taste of their own medicine. I don’t like to be treated like shit and as far as I know, I don’t think anyone wants to be treated like shit. It’s just a matter of showing the other person that whatever they did to me, is just not cool.
There’s no doubt that we have all wanted revenge at one stage in life.
It’s just a normal human instinct to immediately go back at the person who has done something bad to you.
It’s normal to feel like that person should feel the pain/sadness/anger you went through because of their actions. But then again, revenge never ends well.
As much as I want to just go back at the people who pissed me off or whatever, I know that when I give them payback.. it’s not going to make me any better than the other person.

Self-conscious.

Being self-conscious is very normal for me.
I tend to think about what OTHERS think about me a bit too much.
Like if I wear something quite different to my usual style; are my friends going to think I have become more girlier etc? If I talk to different people of the opposite gender that I've become close with; are people going to think I'm flirting or liking that person? Are they going to think I've become a total slut? If I have a pimple on a face and it's very visible; are randoms going to laugh and tell their friends that some chick they saw had a massive zit on her face? If I laugh too much or talk to much; is the person I'm talking to going to think I'm annoying and a total loser?
Small shit like that gets me worried and it makes me so self-conscious with myself and who I am.

It is scary when you realise as you are growing up, that all the adults in your life are imperfect and are capable of making mistakes. People who you looked up to, you realise how infallible they are. No one truly knows how things will be, we are all really just winging it, even your parents.