I’ve convinced myself from past experiences that I will never have something good, so much so that even if I’m presented with an opportunity to go after something, I just give up before trying because I know that even if I acquire it, it will be taken away from me. I will never get to keep something good, I guess it just isn’t written for someone like me.
What do you do when you just have those REALLY bad days? Like you don't remember the last time you've felt that low? I thought I was finally making progress with my depression but it just all hit me right now and I haven't felt this BAD
ReplyDeleteI’ll be honest with you, sometimes I don’t do too well. Sometimes I lie in bed and cry and cry until I can’t imagine leaving my room ever again. Or run out into the street expecting to be chased. Or fall back on self-harm which I know are terrible but feel so damn good in the moment. Sometimes I fall low and it doesn’t matter how good I think I’ve gotten at picking myself up, I start clinging onto survival. Falling again makes me feel like I haven’t “made any progress” and that often fuels my bad thoughts to an insufferable point. I start to think that it doesn’t matter how much progress I’ve made, I’m always going to feel like this, these feelings will always find me, I will always fall back into this person that I do not want to be. The thoughts seem inescapable sometimes and that’s horrible, so horrible.
DeleteBut.
I have survived every breakdown. Every night spent searching for the sharpest corner to bang my head against. In the middle of a breakdown, I feel like progress is not possible. But I don’t think this is true. Progress is an up-and-down process.
I don’t know what will work for you, but what’s (kind of) working for me is creating better strategies for dealing with my mental health issues when I’m not having a breakdown. I reach out to people. I try not to keep my breakdowns as these horrible things that I carry and only talk to people about in my writing. I seek out help. I try to figure out what my triggers are. I fill myself with positive phrases which I try to pull out when my head is filled with thoughts of self-hate.
Being alive is a struggle. It’s hard as hell and I definitely do not have all the answers, but I want you to know that you’re not alone. That it gets hard as hell for me too. And that sometimes what keeps me here is thinking about how I have survived every time I’ve felt that way. How every time I have not killed myself I have been so unbelievable thankful. How there has always been something which has followed which I have felt lucky to experience. Mental health is personal, and these positive thoughts obviously don’t make the negative ones go away, but they help. Take care of yourself and please do not be afraid to ask for help.