That feel when.. results come out that all the things you felt.. actually matched to a disorder. Neither shocked nor relieved, but it was just like a sense of conformation that I wasn't going crazy and what I've been feeling all along - I wasn't alone.

Friends who are close to me, which I'm glad they're still here sticking along, had mostly *almost always* asked me "Have you recovered?"  then I would always say, "What does that mean?"

If they meant, "Am I back to where I was before that?" I have to say no, and I never will be. I am not the same person - I was an open book, of being that sunflower girl with her arms stretched so wide that everyone thought she wanted to hug the Earth. I would always wore my heart over my shirt instead of under it. I left her - and her trust, her innocence, her simplicity. I had to in order to survive. What happened has changed me forever.

You know what breaks my heart?

When your friends feel threatened by you. When they feel that you are getting “popular” and that you are becoming a threat. But why? Why does everyone care so much about “popularity.” It’s the internet. I don’t stream for the numbers, the views, the count, the money or the fame. I stream because I enjoy doing it. I do it because I want to. I do it because it keeps me company, and with that experience I am able to meet so many people and grow. It’s really sad to get a message from one of them, and hearing about how I make them feel. Those were never my intentions at all to “steal viewers.” It hurts a lot. Sometimes I feel so bad to the point where I just want to quit everything. I don’t want anyone to stop streaming because of me. I came into this community trying to make it better, but here I am getting judged and blamed for. I can’t even talk to my close friends because they probably think the same.

It also hurts that my dearest close friends think so low of me. It hurts. It hurts that some people think I am using people as well. I am not that kind of person. I’ve been nothing but kind. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as nice because people just start stepping all over me. I thought my good friends would know me by now, but I guess I am just left in disappointment.

Whenever I happen to come across something involving death, it makes me realise again how short life is. It makes me realise how invulnerable we think we all are. We sometimes have this tendency to believe that just because we are young, we won’t expect death anytime soon. I mean, we can never predict when it’s our turn, we can never predict the circumstances of death. You should cherish your friends and family, and not when you saw someone who just passed away. But because you should have been already cherishing them in the first place. Remember to cherish what you have and never take advantage of it. You never know if you might be that person one day, or someone you’ll know of. I could never imagine myself dying, or losing someone so special to me. It might be just another death to you, because everyone dies and it’s normal; but to people whom are close to them, it’s more than that, its a great loss. I went to a funeral service today for my piano teacher, she was a lovely lady who introduced me to a whole new world of music - gave me the opportunities and many chances to perform in concerts (from a small gathering of 20 to about 200 in a concert hall), perform in competitions and just from these, it has partially made me to who I am today. She'll be greatly missed but her memories live with me, her family and friends forever.
So live your life with no regrets, forgive people, forget things, have fun.
Life’s too short, death is unexpected.

"What happens if you fall in love with a writer? Lots of things might happen. That’s the thing about writers. They’re unpredictable. They might bring you eggs in bed for breakfast, or they might all but ignore you for days. They might bring you eggs in bed at three in the morning. Or they might wake you up for sex at three in the morning. Or make love at four in the afternoon. They might not sleep at all. Or they might sleep right through the alarm and forget to get you up for work. Or call you home from work to kill a spider. Or refuse to speak to you after finding out you've never read "To Kill A Mockingbird". Or spend the last of the rent money on five kinds of soap. Or sell your textbooks for cash halfway through the semester. Or leave you love notes in your pockets. Or wash you pants with Post-It notes in the pockets so your laundry comes out covered in bits of wet paper. They might cry if the Post-It notes are unread all over your pants. It’s an unpredictable life.

But what happens if a writer falls in love with you?

This is a little more predictable. You will find your hemp necklace with the glass mushroom pendant around the neck of someone at a bus stop in a short story. Your favorite shoes will mysteriously disappear, and show up in a poem. The watch you always wear, the watch you own but never wear, the fact that you've never worn a watch: they suddenly belong to characters you've never known. And yet they’re you. They’re not you; they’re someone else entirely, but they toss their hair like you. They use the same colloquialisms as you. They scratch their nose when they lie like you. Sometimes they will be narrators; sometimes protagonists, sometimes villains. Sometimes they will be nobodies, an unimportant, static prop. This might amuse you at first. Or confuse you. You might be bewildered when books turn into mirrors. You might try to see yourself how your beloved writer sees you when you read a poem about someone who has your middle name or prose about someone who has never read "To Kill A Mockingbird". These poems and novels and short stories, they will scatter into the wind. You will wonder if you’re wandering through the pages of some story you've never even read. There’s no way to know. And no way to erase it. Even if you leave, a part of you will always be left behind. If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die."

Disappointed in myself for missing you.

I’m sorry that I’m still writing about you even when it was I who said goodbye once again. I’m sorry that you’re still my last thought of the day. I’m sorry that a part of me still wishes to see more messages from you. I’m sorry that I still find myself tearing up. I’m sorry that I was just too much. I’m sorry for not being good enough. I’m sorry for still staying when I told you I had walked out the door.

I wish I never liked you.

"I don't want to fall in love anymore."

People say they don’t want to fall in love because they don’t want to deal with the heartbreak and pain all over again like last time. However, if you continue to keep that security blanket on you and never take it off, how are you meant to find that special person who’s not going to “break your heart.” It’s all about taking a risk. As corny as this might sound, but isn’t the risk worth it if you give yourself the chance to be a step closer to finding “the one?” 

The process of liking someone is like an ongoing cycle that repeats itself. 
Someone who I didn't know, becomes someone I know, who later becomes someone I once knew and in the end, that someone becomes someone who I’d give my all to forget.

You know you are attached to someone when you have gotten so used to talking to them on a daily basis and they’ve become a part of your happiness. But when you guys don’t talk, it’s like a part of you is gone and you just start to miss them uncontrollably.
Don’t get attached. Don’t get attached. Don’t get fucking attached.

Do you ever meet someone who is so amazing and wonderful that you just enjoy their presence and friendship?

And then one day, you catch yourself thinking “Oh hey I would spend the rest of my life with someone just like you.”

... And then you freak out.

When you look at someone in their pictures, they always look happier than they are, or rather, than they were on that specific day it was taken.
It’s incredible how a simple smile can deceive how the human mind feels. I mean could you even imagine that if everyone actually was as happy as they looked? Would you even be able to tell their sorrow, their darkest secrets and all the agony that they have/feel?

That’s what I want out of my life. To be as happy as I am in these pictures when people look at them.

I think the best thing about crushes is the simple innocence of it. Just being excited about seeing that person and enjoying the secret.

Somewhere along the inevitable road of life I just gave up and stopped trying. How could it be that my once vibrant life fell into something quite bland? I do not blame the people around me; I quite appreciate the ones that can still deal with me. I blame myself for developing a train of thought that all good things come to an end. Thus conversations become shorter, going out becomes nights in, ultimately creating a barrier around myself because really why should I bother when everyone leaves in the end. 

As the years past by..

You think about the last. You think about all the memories that were created, all the conversations that echo of laughter and fun, all the friends you had made, and all the people you thought that would never leave you. And it’s funny how things can change so un-noticeably, where all the people who were once your day to day life, begin to slip away until they are nothing but a distant stranger. 

Why can’t people just be straight up with me.. It’s so much easier and faster to get through. Lol I’m getting tired of trying to figure out what’s behind those words and shit because sometimes I’m completely wrong and I look stupid as fek in the end.

I was so strong for so long, yet it only took you a matter of minutes to bring me down to a state of weakness. It seems you are what makes me vulnerable. 

But I’m on my way to becoming a stronger person than I was before. I won’t fall for your little games, nor tricks any more. And your sugar tainted words will no longer effect me in such a way because I know better. 

I know that your true intentions differ from that they appear.

Tonight is one of those nights when I realise how lonely I am, how much hope has departed, yet the memories haven't.

The "Falling" Stage.

When you meet someone, they become part of your daily routine. You talk on a daily basis, get to know each other. You start to miss them a little more everyday. Unsure feelings, are you starting to like them? You start developing more feelings for them, you simply just fall hoping they’d catch you too.

What if?

The thing about "what if" is that that’s all it is. A thought, a wish, a dream, a hope, thing that gets you through the day until you can lay in bed and just think, “what if.”

"what if…" anything and everything follows after that. Maybe it’s about your looks, the way you act, how you wish you could be more confident. Maybe it’s about how you wish that everything would just be better and easier.

These what if-s…they give you hope that someday it’ll get better. That everything will just lift the weight off your shoulders. But what if that weight could be lifted by yourself? YOU have the power within yourself to change how everything is. That seems weird coming from someone you don’t even know, and I know that you can’t make someone put down the bottle, leave the person they’re with, whatever it is.

But you can take care of yourself as much as you can. Sometimes we get so caught up in the fullness of our lives that we kinda forget to take care of ourselves. Maybe that means just sitting alone for 15 minutes and breathing. It could maybe perhaps to watch your favorite show and have a good laugh. For me, it’s having a cup of tea, play piano and just stop thinking. Or maybe you can always sleep it off.

For me, I keep hoping that everything will get better in time, I have hope for relationship and people. I have hope. Somewhere down the line, I tell myself to keep hope and that I need to take care of my life, and that if it doesn't work out, then that’s okay.

What if we took care of ourselves for a change?
What if we use some of that energy we spend on wishing for change to heal our own wounds?
What if we loved ourselves more?
What if tonight you find some inner peace that was long gone?

What if....?

It is not a question to be asked.
It’s about having hopes on things that we’re about to give up but we won’t.

Like I said...

Everything I write. Everything I say. Everything I post. Is a part of my story. It’s a part of me. So either you get to know me, or just shut the fuck up before you judge me. You don’t know my life and what I've been through. What gives you a right to judge the life I've been through? I've been kicked, hurt, beatened to the core. Your judgement can’t hurt a single bone in my body. When you've stepped a day in my shoes, saw my whole life story in the flash of your eyes, felt all my pain, learned my secrets, know me inside and out; that’s when I’ll truly be affected by your judgement. Other than that, you don’t know a thing about who I truly am. Don’t judge me by my appearance or on what you've heard. It could be as fake as the person who told you. You’ll just be blinded and deceived in the end.

PS. Happy October everybody! And for those coffee lovers out there, happy international coffee day! :)

PPS. Due to an overflow of requests, I have finally created a foodie adventure account on Instagram.. follow me if you are keen to come on this journey of food hunting with me!
IG: @melon.foodie