Feeling overwhelmed and overburdened by life's challenges to the point where I just can't feel anymore. I am really too tired and weary to emote and put on a happy mask every time I am outside in the social circle.
The irony is that antidepressants/anti-anxiety medications used to overcome mood disorders can also cause emotional numbness. My experience gives me a feeling of being flat-lined emotionally. I ain't sad but I also ain't happy. I am simply here and there.
Logically, my mind is telling me that the problem with emotional numbness is that it has made me to avoid all the good emotions like happiness and love. It is like sitting on the curb and watching life pass by without truly living it myself.
Emotional numbness is just like you being sucked into the "big black hole." Once you are in there, it is hard to get out. All you can see is darkness. There is complete nothingness. I felt like people could see through me as though I was a walking spirit. I didn't matter. Nothing mattered and so why feel anything right? I am too tired to feel. And so the days just blended together into one never ending shade of gray.
One of my friends commented that my facial expressions were flat. The interesting thing is that I was not aware of how I appeared. I was too numb to care. On the other hand, to the other people, they may interpret my emotional numbness as being cold or apathetic. Some people may think I don't care anymore about anything, for example, relationships. Others may accuse me of being distant or aloof. They do not understand that this is part of depression. One does not always have to be crying to be depressed. The other thing my therapist picked up on is that when I was telling a sad story from my life, I showed inappropriate affect. I was discussing my experience with trauma and I would be smiling or even laughing. I wasn't emotionally connected to what I was saying and could not feel the pain. Despite feeling no pain, I found that I am denying myself opportunities to feel good again.
I was replying emails this afternoon, and one of the emails had this question, "Please describe depression for people like me who’ve never been depressed. All the best for your recovery."
I haven't reply the email yet. *to the person who sent me this email - thankyou for the email if you're reading this now* As I was writing this post, I thought I might as well answer here since it's related and I wanted to share with you all too.
So here goes~
My pursuit to happiness…. when will it begin?
I just want to believe there is a somebody out there just for me.
I just want to believe that I exist to be there for that somebody.
Is that too much and hard to ask for, life?
Or maybe, I am not destined to live and breathe in this world.
The irony is that antidepressants/anti-anxiety medications used to overcome mood disorders can also cause emotional numbness. My experience gives me a feeling of being flat-lined emotionally. I ain't sad but I also ain't happy. I am simply here and there.
Logically, my mind is telling me that the problem with emotional numbness is that it has made me to avoid all the good emotions like happiness and love. It is like sitting on the curb and watching life pass by without truly living it myself.
Emotional numbness is just like you being sucked into the "big black hole." Once you are in there, it is hard to get out. All you can see is darkness. There is complete nothingness. I felt like people could see through me as though I was a walking spirit. I didn't matter. Nothing mattered and so why feel anything right? I am too tired to feel. And so the days just blended together into one never ending shade of gray.
One of my friends commented that my facial expressions were flat. The interesting thing is that I was not aware of how I appeared. I was too numb to care. On the other hand, to the other people, they may interpret my emotional numbness as being cold or apathetic. Some people may think I don't care anymore about anything, for example, relationships. Others may accuse me of being distant or aloof. They do not understand that this is part of depression. One does not always have to be crying to be depressed. The other thing my therapist picked up on is that when I was telling a sad story from my life, I showed inappropriate affect. I was discussing my experience with trauma and I would be smiling or even laughing. I wasn't emotionally connected to what I was saying and could not feel the pain. Despite feeling no pain, I found that I am denying myself opportunities to feel good again.
I was replying emails this afternoon, and one of the emails had this question, "Please describe depression for people like me who’ve never been depressed. All the best for your recovery."
I haven't reply the email yet. *to the person who sent me this email - thankyou for the email if you're reading this now* As I was writing this post, I thought I might as well answer here since it's related and I wanted to share with you all too.
So here goes~
Depression is seeing no future (and the inability to construct, envision and dream of a future), and no answer for any of the problems in your life. When you have depression, nothing is enjoyable. Nothing can make you smile. It feels like you’re a ghost... not part of the real world. It’s like drowning ... except you can see everyone around you breathing. Depression to me is like having your mind replaced by another one that makes me feel worthless and numb to life. Depression has stolen my confidence and now I no longer feel I am worthy of anyone’s love. Depression calls me names and makes me have awful thoughts, and there have been many times when depression has won and ended my life many times, but hadn't been successful yet. Depression is a total loss of who you are. You experience multiple emotions: fear, despair, emptiness, numbness, shame, embarrassment and an inability to recognise the fun, happy person you used to be. Depression makes you feel like you’re an actor playing you - one that’s always forced to smile.
Perhaps it’s not possible for you to understand what it truly feels like to have clinical depression unless you’ve suffered from it yourself, but I hoped the above descriptions should give you some indication. If nothing more, I do hope they should make you realise that depression is far far more severe than just “having the blues” or feeling “sad”. It is a soul-sucking illness - one that is so severe that it claims nearly a million lives a year worldwide. So if you know someone who has it, don’t just tell them to “pull themselves together” or to simply “get over it”. Instead, listen to them. Support them. And most importantly, be their friend.
My pursuit to happiness…. when will it begin?
I just want to believe there is a somebody out there just for me.
I just want to believe that I exist to be there for that somebody.
Is that too much and hard to ask for, life?
Or maybe, I am not destined to live and breathe in this world.
