Please don’t get tired of me.

It happens every time. People lose interest in me. They get tired of me. Suddenly, they don’t bother hitting me up anymore. The conversations become shorter. They forget about me and I just become a distant memory. I wonder if it’s my fault sometimes. But then I realise that people never stay in my life. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Lately I feel like I’m just drifting through life like a weary soul casting through the motions of living. I’m filled with contradictions. I want to grow up to understand my full potential, yet at the same time I want to be a carefree child again with no responsibilities to worry about. I’m probably indecisive due to the fact there are so many different paths my life can take.   

This is me.

I try and plan everything for the future. Also for the next couple of months and for the next day even.. this is me. But at the same time as each day goes by, I tell myself what ever happens, happens. If my way doesn’t go according to my plans, then there’s always going to be another way. Maybe even a better way.

There was once when I tried so hard to fit in the crowd and be someone I'm not. But then I hit my head hard and realised that fitting in is highly overrated. I'd rather just fit out... Fitting out means being who you are, even when people insist that you have to change. Fitting out means taking space, not apologising for being yourself, and not agreeing with those who seek to label you with stereotypes.

In a sad, vaguely nostalgic kind of way, I sort of feel a lil better when I no longer find people that I was interested in or that I once dated to be attractive whatsoever anymore. It makes me feel like I’m getting on with things.

Do you ever get in one of those moods where you’re like feeling okay but you’re really sad at the same time and you just want to talk to someone and make them hug you but you feel annoying so you kind of just sit there being really sad?

Dear my reflection,

You are still pretty unhappy, aren't you?
I am sorry for being so hard on you sometimes. I am sorry for everything you have been through this year. But through all the countless road trips we have made through together, led us to stronger built walls. Let’s make next year a better one. Let’s make your own path that you can follow in life, however, let’s make sure it is the one you can live with.

Someday you are going to be as genuine and content like you were before. Maybe happiness will intertwine with you again. Maybe you've forgotten. Maybe you've both met before. But this time, I promise I am here to remind you of the better days that are ahead. I am here to teach you how to live again, to continue to smile and slowly finally to recognising it.

Love,
Me.

It’s only 50 days before 2016 and I feel like the only thing I’ve done this year was disappoint everyone including myself.

I’m sorry family and friends if one day soon you’ll find me cold and out of breaths. I just can’t get it together and I’m tired of constantly fighting myself, lying to myself, and feeling this way. There is no moving on for me. I just want out. And I’m almost ready to let go of this life. I need help. I just don’t know when… I’ll put myself out of my misery. I cannot hold on much longer.. 

It's funny how the human mind works.

I can say I am never the strongest person when it comes to my own personal feelings about situations. I just work it off with a smile and keep it all bottled inside and hope that everything will pass and I won’t have the slightest re-collection of it.

It seems like I’ve bottled enough up inside of me that my mind can no longer take it; I need to let it all out.. and I have, through dreams.
I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night, as I try to settle my mind to fall asleep once more, I remember what had just happened a few second before I was woken from my sleep, what I was able to achieve. Although it was a dream I feel better already :)

If only dreams were a reality; I would have the hardest part over and done with. 

You think you're happy but then you realise you're insecure, you're scared, you're confused, you don't know what you're doing with yourself, you don't know what's going to happen to you or where you're going to end up. You don't know the next time you're gonna break out crying or the next time you're going to feel safe, feel like you're in a good place. You try to tell yourself everything's going to be fine, you force yourself to smile through it all, you're trying to be optimistic. You're usually pretty tough but you know deep down that at this moment you're not okay. Yeah. You're not okay. Not only that but the people around you seem to be changing, slipping away, and suddenly everything is spiraling out of your control. You're losing them. You're losing yourself. You're trying to grasp onto these relationships just like you're trying to keep holding onto that hope you already know is long gone. You're hoping at least one person will bear with you, at least one person you know that when you close your eyes to deal with all the shit that's happening and open them again, he'll still be there. What can you do? You're trying. [the end]

The cracks began to appear as though nothing was done. Some days tape was what held it all together, but only temporary, eventually the tape broke and so did the cracks with it. The cracks were no longer cracks but became missing pieces; missing pieces to what seemed so strong so long ago; years ago.

We are holding on by pieces, broken cracked pieces that seem to just won’t fit.
Please say you all won’t let it fall apart, we can still mend this together. 

Have you ever felt?

To the point where you don’t even know where you stand.
Mixed emotions just rushing up your adrenaline yet you don’t know what to even think of it. Everything seems to be in a big question mark but you sit there, questioning the questions. Where the world is just continuously revolving around the sun in perfect harmony and you’re the spectacle that’s floating somewhere in space. If only you could come close to grasping that feeling of assurance. Craving for it, yearning for that ground you wish to find where you know where you even are.
Then you realise, you’re still in that same position…. just... lost.

I need a drunk conversation with you. A drunk mind speaks a sober heart, so maybe that’s the only way I’ll be able to spill out my feelings for you, since I find it so hard for me to talk about them regularly.