I miss being a kid....

I look back at... when life was so relax, so easy-going and well, simple. When the only thing that worried me was whether my tamagotchi pet has eaten yet or whether I’ll be able to watch my favourite cartoon. Fuck, I could walk out in my pajamas with my messy hair for all I care. And then there’s the opposite sex; in which I was not interested in whatsoever and would rather stay away from them, because "boy germs" LOL. Life was so straightforward. I had a daily schedule in which I was happy to live by. No distractions, no homework, no drama, no heartbreak, no nothing.
And here I am, thinking how stupid I was when I was small, thinking I wanted to grow up quickly. Man, I would love to go back to the way things were, when not eating my dinner was the only crime in the house, when I would actually appreciate every little detail and love my parents give me.. where everything in my life was so un-complicated. When I was just a gullible and innocent kid who did not really know reality.

Revenge.

Revenge is not sweet. But sometimes, just sometimes; I can’t help but feel that I should give the other person the taste of their own medicine. I don’t like to be treated like shit and as far as I know, I don’t think anyone wants to be treated like shit. It’s just a matter of showing the other person that whatever they did to me, is just not cool.
There’s no doubt that we have all wanted revenge at one stage in life.
It’s just a normal human instinct to immediately go back at the person who has done something bad to you.
It’s normal to feel like that person should feel the pain/sadness/anger you went through because of their actions. But then again, revenge never ends well.
As much as I want to just go back at the people who pissed me off or whatever, I know that when I give them payback.. it’s not going to make me any better than the other person.

Self-conscious.

Being self-conscious is very normal for me.
I tend to think about what OTHERS think about me a bit too much.
Like if I wear something quite different to my usual style; are my friends going to think I have become more girlier etc? If I talk to different people of the opposite gender that I've become close with; are people going to think I'm flirting or liking that person? Are they going to think I've become a total slut? If I have a pimple on a face and it's very visible; are randoms going to laugh and tell their friends that some chick they saw had a massive zit on her face? If I laugh too much or talk to much; is the person I'm talking to going to think I'm annoying and a total loser?
Small shit like that gets me worried and it makes me so self-conscious with myself and who I am.

It is scary when you realise as you are growing up, that all the adults in your life are imperfect and are capable of making mistakes. People who you looked up to, you realise how infallible they are. No one truly knows how things will be, we are all really just winging it, even your parents.

You know that feeling of no interest?

Where you feel as if the person you like, doesn't like you. Like they only like you as a friend. You’re confused and wondering. You don’t know what to do, thus you try to stay away from them, because you are afraid of falling too deep and too fast. You’re afraid of mixed signals and confusion that’ll lead to disappointment. All you want is an answer, an explanation.

When I’m upset.

I’m different from others when I hit this phase. Something inside me shuts down completely whenever I get upset. I’d expect myself to cry or scream, but instead I don’t because I am literally turned off.
I just simply go silent and quiet. I don’t talk much, just wonder off. It’s the kind that confuses me and makes me want to just curl up. I just sleep it off until all the hurt runs away, but sometimes it feels like it will never end.

You think you're happy but then you realised you're insecure. You're scared, you're confused, you don't know what you're doing with yourself, you don't know what's going to happen to you or where you're going to end up. You don't know the next time you're gonna break out crying or the next time you're going to feel safe. You try to tell yourself everything's going to be fine, you force yourself to smile through it all, you're trying to be optimistic. You're usually pretty tough but you know deep down that at this moment you're not okay. Yeah. You're not okay. Not only that but the people around you seem to be changing, slipping away, and suddenly everything is spiraling out of your control. You're losing them. You're losing yourself. You're trying to grasp onto these relationships just like you're trying to keep holding onto that hope you already know is long gone. You're hoping at least one person will bear with you, at least one person you know that when you close your eyes to deal with all the shit that's happening and open them again, he'll still be there. What can you do?
You're trying.
[The End]

Have you ever wonder... if there's someone out there who always pay attention to you?

Like they don't just stalk you on social medias but actually pay attention to the mini details, for example, you seem upset today, you've been dressing up differently lately, or that you smile even for the simplest thing.

Having people like this in your life is a blessing. People care about how you feel, how you think and how you act. I've been caring too much my entire life and I wonder if someone out there who too care about me in this similar way.

But the thing is, people nowadays care and emphasise too much on how you look, meaning what you look is equivalent to your inner beauty. Aka you have to be eye-catching to get their attention, let them approach you and slowly discover the "real" you. I guess it's human nature but don't get me wrong, I definitely enjoy making friends and I don't choose my friend based on how charming they are or how popular they are. That's why I appreciate some people because they know me too well, they don't care if I look like shit today and they criticise me all the time but I can feel them love.

People say I am observant with friends, maybe it's something in me but trust me if I don't care about you, no matter how observant I am, I won't bother looking.