I’ve come to the point I have accepted I am not going to be in a romantic relationship. It’s just not going to happen for me. For now at least I know I’m ready to put it aside for good for awhile. No more wondering. No more worrying about guys wanting to date me and what to do. I’m just done with all of it. I’m leaving it where it is. I’m so thankful for what Life has given me. I have good friends and an amazing family. I’m already really blessed. This is my time to grow and to serve others.

You see, I love love, but don’t think it’s good for me anymore.

This time, for good.

When you’ve been depressed for so long, there’s no way to tell what feeling okay is like. There is no neutral feeling, only how you have always felt and how miserable it has made you. And after enough breakdowns, there is the overwhelming sense that no matter how much growth you go through, your depression will find you. That feeling is so defeating and fuels the already-present idea of there being no point in trying. There have been too many times that I’ve been completely exhausted and lost and felt like I had no energy to do basic tasks, let alone battle my own head to stay alive.
I’m saying this here because I wish someone said this to me: if you’re fighting through depression, every day you’re alive is an achievement. It’s okay to struggle. You’re not weak for having a hard time with day-to-day activities. It’s okay to not be able to answer texts, or shower, or leave your bed for a period of time. Sometimes just existing is hard enough. I feel you.
Also: whatever your head’s telling you about yourself, you’re powerful and strong and capable of great things.
And you’re not alone. 
Living with mental illness has been mostly a draining fight for me but every time I get through another breakdown, I am always so damn thankful my head didn’t win. You go. I’m proud of you.

I have realised there are certain things, that will never happen to me; no matter how hard I work, believe in myself or want them. They simply don’t happen to people like me because they weren’t written for me. It’s so hard to convince yourself you are deserving when you know failure and the feeling of not being good enough like the back of your hand.

Little Miss Sensitive

always cry in the corners
always complaining about her bloody tongue
always shouting LEAVE ME ALONE then creeping into your head to see if you’re thinking about her

Little miss sensitive doesn’t want the title of “girl” anymore
doesn’t want to feel so little
doesn’t want to miss everything
yes, everything

little miss sensitive can’t believe everyone is trying to get away from her
if she could leave
oh you’d see
the distance she’d put between her and herself
the number of locks she would put on the door
just to be safe
just to be sure that she never saw little miss sensitive again.

The bottom line is if they really desired to, they could have stayed and made it work but they didn’t.
That’s all it comes down to at the end of it.

Sometimes you become really fond of a person and even grow to love them but mostly due to the fact that they filled a hole in your life at a time where there was something missing. The situation and timing made them mean exponentially more to you than they normally would have. So, if both of you ever part ways and you think you always cared more for them than vice versa, just remember that their personal situation and time were different than yours, and that you may not have played the same role in their life that they played in yours. 

I feel like I used to be so smart and intelligent but all that has been smothered with the depression and unhappiness I am currently struggling with. I’m trapped inside a mind that I no longer recognize and there are multiple volcanoes erupting rapidly which are destroying my thoughts and mind-set.
It’s actually scary.

Do you ever get into an argument with someone and find yourself unable to speak for a moment because you’re just so blown away by how utterly wrong and ignorant the other person is being and you can’t understand how anyone could actually believe the things they are saying.

I hate knowing that people that ruined parts of me still live and function like nothing ever happened.

I think it’s so funny how inconsiderate people can be sometimes.

I’ve been in situations where I’ve put those around me, before me; and for some odd reason, that always backfires. Since when was it wrong to be there for friend? Since when was it wrong to let a friend confide in you because you’re the only one that understands the situation? I swear, people can be so damn ignorant.

That thought of not graduating... for some time strikes again (and over and over again)

This evening, I went to another close friend of mine graduation - she finally finished her undergraduate degree and now she's onto her masters! I feel so proud of her :') then I see all the other graduates there, all happy, celebrating and their parents all dressed up, looking proud for their sons/daughters: seeing this scene - my heart ached. Truly ached because that will never be me. It may be (trying to be hopeful here) but just not anytime soon. Neither do I know when, to be honest.

I've been seeing all the photos and posts from people I left high school with, in combination with attending friends' graduations, they talk about the wonderful lives they are about to begin in their new careers, and every time I see them, it brings tears to my eyes and just made me feel like I am a complete failure. I just feel like I'm this huge fck up that wonders every night to why I'm still making an effort to be alive.

It sucks to be the person that isn't graduating on time. It really does sucks. Neither am I lying and tell you it doesn't. My parents always asked: "You did well in highschool; so why couldn't you make it out in four years of university like you was supposed to?" A complete failure, they say. I agree.

I took a break from uni last year, in hope for healing and recovery.
Now, I recently decided to discontinue my study.
As most of you know, I was diagnosed with mental illness (depression and PTSD to be exact) last year. Unfortunately, I have not been able to manage my condition ever since.
Mental illness carries a stigma behind it. It’s a silent illness, it can strike anyone at anytime.
I (We) get so good at hiding it because I don’t want to share the pain. Even till now, I still get ashamed seeking for help. That is why only (in real life) a few of you knew about my condition and even fewer knows the severity of it.
A lot of things had happened between last year and this year. I have done a lot of thinking, I also have made a lot of changes to my lifestyle. I actively seek for any form of comfort so I could manage my illness better. Though I really don't know what the path I'm on now will take me but I believe Buddha has a greater plan.
This is dedicated to the friends that turned into family whom are always there no matter what I throw at them. I cannot express how thankful I am to have known you. I have had strong urges to commit suicide in the past and believe me, you are the reason why I am still here right now.
There is no regret. If not because of the illness, I would not be able to realise the beauty of the simplest things in the world.
This is not a cry for pity. This is simply to raise awareness that mental illness can happen to anyone even the ones who you never thought would. I never wished this would happen to anyone.

It was hard for me to get to this point (now) and in no way would I consider myself as "fully recovered". Since last year, I went round and round in circles. Relapse, hospital, get better, go home, relapse…. And so the cycle repeated.

After that traumatic experience, I literally felt like (and still do) I lost everything that meant something and in losing those thing, I lost myself. All this reinforced the lies my illness feed me.
What reason did I have to make changes? I had nothing left in my life - what was I fighting for?
But that wasn’t a life I ever wanted. I didn’t want hospital admissions. I didn’t want unnecessary looks and judgements from family, friends and other people to view me as a a sick person, weak and an attention-seeker. What was my alternative option? I couldn’t see a clear alternative and that was terrifying. I grew to understand this new ‘life’ of hospitals. A life away from education and friends. Nurses became my friends and family and hospital bed felt safer than my own bed. I had already lost a life I knew. I didn't believed I would survive.

Last year... I had nothing. Because my mental health stole everything.

I have a life now. A life that I don’t know the destination of, but it’s one with some sort of purpose. I have a life in which I have commitments so I can’t overdose whenever. I have a life in which I don’t want to self harm at all.

I’m not 'recovered’, I thought I did but it was just self-denial all along. An endless cycle..

I’m me and I’m a person who can survive in the world IF I choose to. Yes, each day is a battle to find energy and motivation, but I would pick this life over the life that was keeping me trapped and in hospital any day.

I'm sure I'll solider on, but right now I needed to get this off my chest.

Last night, my friend took my phone and started messaging my old crush, pretending it was me and at first I was god damn near having a panic attack and felt like I needed to set myself on fire but the more she messaged him, the more I remembered how boring he was and I couldn't remember why I liked him in the first place. Now I am glad she did it because I no longer feel sentimental about some random dude from the past.

I just want to know what it feels like to not constantly feel like a failure.
I'm sorry that I'm a failure. 
Nothing makes me happy anymore - I just consistently feel like I'm empty.

The concept of romantic love doesn’t inspire me anymore :/
Anyways. I’m trying to learn how to be enough for myself.

The problem with living in your own head is that your mind is constantly finding even the most minuscule reasons to be unhappy. Why is my head so against me staying happy? Can people actually stay happy without overthinking themselves out of it? Like does that even exist??? Because lol wow that would be the life.

Every time I gave a fuck, that fuck, fucked me over.

This time, no fucks given.

Me at myself constantly.

Forgive yourself for all time and days/months/years that your mental illness took from you.
Forgive yourself for the days that you couldn’t get out of bed, because not everyone can understand how hard it can be to leave your house when all you want to do is be sleeping in bed all day, and only wanting to do that.
Forgive yourself for that lost time, and know that you can start again at any second. you can make up for that time whenever you decide you want to turn things around.
You can start right now if you want to, and you can keep restarting every morning if that’s what it takes.

You don’t have to lose anymore time. 

1st day of Spring September

It’s easy to express myself on a blog, where my identity is unknown to most. But when it comes to opening up in person, I can hardly ever open up to anyone knowing that people do and will take advantage of me. They’ll use my words, past, and present against me. It’s a scary thought to think that I might put my trust into the wrong people, or end up regretting telling someone how I feel. I guess the only way I can protect myself is to conceal myself. I would rather bottle up my stories than to live with regrets.