The actual, physical ache you feel in your chest and in your bones when you’re so sad is fucking awful.

R E L A P S E S.

When I thought I’ve grown stronger, it comes right back hitting me in the face. It controls me in ways that I don’t want it to. It lets me become numb to physical pain. It lets me harm myself. People tell me to grow up, to accept it, but that’s because they don’t know how this feels. They don’t know how it feels to hurt to the point of physically hurting yourself to cover up that pain. They will never understand.

Disappointed in myself for missing you.

I'm so comfortable being alone that sometimes I don’t even know how to ask for help when I need it the most, and that terrifies me.

It's so cute when you talk to someone a lot and then you notice the little phrases that you use and the stupid little things you say slipping into their vocabulary more and more...

Fairytales.

They gave me such a high expectation of life.
Like the stories will always have the same structure: there will be a ordinary guy/girl whose lives just magically changed one day and something/someone will try to screw it up.. but whatever happens, the main character will always have a happy ending. Eventhough these fairytales are clearly fictional; at least they could've been a bit more realistic so we, as normal people, can somehow relate to it or have a slight chance that we’ll have the same perfect happy ending… reality is like completely different; you don't just find the right guy out of nowhere and you surely don't just become a gorgeous princess too. Reality sure do sucks sometimes.

What is purposely made unknown to someone by another is rather dangerous. What needs to be hidden usually has the ability to create massive destruction and once the truth serves as a wretchedness that you can’t get rid of, it makes you suffer by constantly reminding you to look back on what you had found out. Honestly, I hate finding out things that are too much for me to handle. It’s so frustrating sometimes to know what I know and want to forget what I know. Do I blame the person for not letting me know, or should I thank them for not letting me know sooner, to have saved me from all those times of suffering? It’s a battle that I can never win.  

I feel like my life is a never ending movie.

.... Like a director is picking scenes that make my life harder and harder. He may once in a while throw in a happy scene but my smiles aren't genuine, there's always still something in the back of my mind that I have to worry about. A director can cut characters in and out of your life, just like reality how some important people can just leave your life… just like that. A director can control what’s happening in the movie, but someday I’m going to take over and make this movie my own. Take control of my own life. I once asked myself why birds don't just fly wherever they want since they have wings but then I realised I should be asking myself the same question.. Why not spread my wings and fly?

Ever felt like you are just out of your league?

... That this particular someone is just too good for you? That this person would never ever even consider you? We've all at one stage believed that someone else is just plainly too perfect to even be close to you and yet you wish and hope that there might be a chance.
But then reality hits you - “Wait, how can he/she even think twice about getting with me?” I’m just simple, 'average' me and it sucks knowing that being “me” will never be good enough for you. 

Sometimes..

I get really hesitant about posting up what I feel or how my day was on here. I don’t exactly know why..  But sometimes, I feel like I’m being judge on what I post. And I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I just do, for some reason. But then I realise that I made a blog, to rant. So it shouldn't even matter if I’m being judge or criticise by. This is my blog and I get to say whatever I want. If people don’t like it, then they don’t have to go on my blog and read my posts. Just simply unfollow me.
“Just brush it off”, something I always tell myself. It actually works, because I start caring less about what others have to say. 

What is it about the midnight that amplifies your emotions and thoughts? Why is there such thing as a 2am personality or what is it about 2am that makes people want to receive an "I miss you" text? Why are we awake during the hours that we’re supposed to be sleeping and we allow ourselves to drown in our emotions and thoughts? What is it about those hours that makes us want to spill everything to someone?

I have realised some things.

Most people don’t communicate anymore - everyone always says things, but why does it feel like that’s all that we do half of the time?

I mean we tend to pick out pretty words, sometimes ugly, unpleasing and painful words to say. We use them in strings and/or in clusters. We then create them into sentences, we speak them, we write them, we allow people to hear our thoughts. We use them in our conversations.

And what I've come to realised is that when I look at these statements, these conversations - it looks like one statement after another. No questions, no concern, no feeling. What happened to the passion that used to be placed so carefully on our tongues, only to leap out and create sensations so special that they could not be understood on the outer level? 

I have this theory.

The theory.. that the more important and intimate the emotion between a couple, the fewer the words are required to express it, for instance:

The Stages:

Six words - Will you go out with me?
Five words - I care for you ok?
Four words - You’re important to me.
Three words - I love you.
Two words - Marry Me?

So what’s left? 

The most important and intimate word you can ever say to anybody would be your last stage, stage six. 

 6. One word - Goodbye.

I always have this “I don’t need anyone” mentality because honestly, I don’t need anyone.
Yeah it’s nice to have company once in awhile, but being alone is when I truly feel most comfortable. I know I take people for granted, and I’m selfish, and stupid at times. And it’s all gonna hit me hard one day. But maybe I don’t try because I just feel like everyone and everything is so temporary. Maybe when I actually don’t have someone waiting on me is when I really appreciate what I have. No matter what, it’s always gonna be too late.