When it all just sinks in...

When all those feelings hit you.

When you realise you were doing much and received back so little.
The moment you realise what had happened, turned out to be nothing but a bitter end.

The moment your tears clean out your sight, you come to sense and realise, you’re nothing. Nothing, but a shadow of another. What reality led up to made you come to your senses and made you finally see that you’re worthless. That you’re as worthless as it could get.

Your heart and brain turns off and starts resenting against anymore hatred and hurt.

When you finally see that your heart can’t take it no more.

That’s when you give up, that’s when there’s no hope, no faith, when you realise it was just another lie.

When you’re sad:

1. Write letters to the people you love. Don’t seal them; don’t send them. Instead, stick them between the pages of library books.

2. Eat raspberries off your fingertips.

3. Venture outside and observe natural life. Watch a honey bee suck the nectar from lavender plants. Watch a snail slowly make its way towards the shade of a tree. Watch a hummingbird innocently fly above your head. Realise how insignificant you are.

4. Smile at strangers; say hello. It will improve their day and your own.

5. Write lists. They can be about anything.

6. Read several pages of the dictionary. Learn new words. Write down the ones you wish to remember.

7. Never feel compelled to apologize when you don’t feel sorry. It’s okay that you’re honest. It’s okay that you have a different opinion from someone else.

8. Read books and watch movies from your childhood. A healthy dose of nostalgia is okay. Immerse yourself in your past innocence.

9. Walk to a park and get on a swing. Go as high as you can; feel limitless. The world is yours.

10. Eat if you’re hungry. Food is not the enemy. You are a human and need food to survive. You deserve to eat. Put those raspberries on your fingers and sprinkle sugar on your tongue. Taste the summer breeze and sweet aroma of jasmine flowers.

11. Don’t marinate in your sadness. You are not a steak. You are a person; you’re irreplaceable. Open yourself up to contentment. Bathe in the rivers of Glee. Go for hikes with Satisfaction. Sleep in a warm cocoon of blankets with Bliss. Let endless happiness overcome your hopeless sadness. You deserve to be happy. If life is a game and you are the referee, be biased for once and let happiness win.

I want you to know, there is a person in this world, who will wait for you forever, irrespective of where and when, somehow you know, there is such a person.

I have always dreamt of the...

... perfect guy magically appearing in front of me one day, only to take my hand as he gazes into my eyes to tell me he has fallen ridiculously and helplessly in love with me.

As for him, he would be undeniable the guy from my wildest dreams. A little taller than me, his face is well-defined. From his soft and inviting lips, clean chin to his sweet eyes that are sensuous and radiant like pure diamond which capture every nerves in my mind to his body, firmly built like a knight awaiting to rescue me. Every gesture of his, every word, and even the silence is to be remembered by me. He’d be something I couldn’t resist.

But then again… what are the chances of a fairytale knocking on my door, when I’m just your average, not so noticeable me? Perhaps I watch too much movies, hence the crazy imagination I’ve come to develop.

Does anyone else ever like…. partially dissociate? Like there’s a little part of you that is just not there but the rest of you is like “come back to the body, buddy, we have stuff to do”?

Note to self: it’s okay to find yourself thinking about someone late at night and smiling or crying or feeling everything or nothing as thoughts of that person overwhelm you. It’s okay to wonder, even if that person might not be thinking about you (anymore).

WHY RUSH?

Why are people trying to get a guy/girl?
Why are people rushing into getting a relationship?
I mean, what’s the point?
If you’re ready to be with someone, then you’re ready. You can’t force time and make things go faster. You can’t just like someone for a day and then immediately want to be with them the next. It doesn’t work like that. Be patient. Your time will come. Fuck those who pressure you into dating someone. Fuck those who judge you for being single. You’re not single because no one wants you - you’re single because you’re waiting for the right one. Don’t rush. It’s not going to get you anywhere in the end. 

If you are not nice, then you’re considered a bitch and a snob. 
But if you’re too nice, then you’re considered fake. I don’t get it. 

You know that feeling, when you truly just love and care for someone. To the point where no matter all the mistakes they’ve made or all the faults they’ve been through, you don’t care about any of those. You don’t look for faults, answers or mistakes. Instead, you fight those mistakes and you accept it from them. Accepting all their flaws and them as a person, knowing that no matter what happens, you’ll always look past it, loving them as of right now for simply who they are. 

Long distance relationships.

Don't know what got me tonight, but mind got me thinking about writing something regarding to LDR's, so here goes, a scope of what it's like to be in a long distance relationship.

You spend a whole lot of time alone. Not alone as in miserably lonely, but handling your day to day activities with the absence of your lover. there are times where you just wish that it was easier for them to be around you, to hold you when you’re cold, and having the luxury of falling asleep in their arms then waking up to see their blunt beauty in the morning. Trust becomes a huge factor in the success or failure of the relationship because all you really have is the unspoken promises of commitment and fidelity.
Before you decide to pursue a relationship with someone far away, there is a transparent contract that you sign, saying that you know the consequences and you fully accept what follows. When they can’t physically be there, you can’t blame them and say that they’re never around. Circumstances divide you two apart and it’s up to both of the individuals to work past that, not ignore it. You end up depending on technology to converse with your significant other. A simple text, phone call or webcam sessions start to mean so much more to you.
Then there are times where it becomes difficult because you want to hold them when they’re having a bad day, to show up at their front door steps and surprising them, or just going out on a lunch date from time to time. So you find alternative ways to show them how much you care. Any moment with them is sacred because it becomes something you to yearn for, so much that it aches. It’s most definitely not easy, but when you fall in love, everything is worth it. And every single time you look into their eyes, it’s like the first time all over again. You learn to be great on your own, but even better when they’re by your side. It’s where independence and dependency is in perfect harmony.

I rarely, rarely, RARELY ever cry in front of people because whenever I do, it hits like a freaking tsunami. 

My worst weakness is that I feel everything too much and I can’t help being so sensitive.


It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.

I have learned that you wouldn't be able to live your life if you were not focus on yourself.

You can’t base your life on what people think of you, their beliefs, what they want, their characteristics and personalities. You can’t live your own life focusing on everyone else’s opinions.

Sometimes you shouldn't put your happiness aside just because you want to make someone else happy. And sometimes you should do what you want to do. Because sometimes, it’s not about everyone else.

Sometimes it’s about you. Focus on yourself first. Life isn’t a competition, or a race. Life is more than that.

The goal shouldn't be, who will make it to the finish line first.

The real goal should be to enjoy the path that will take you there.

Sometimes I feel so alone..

The saddest part about all of this is that I actually like you and you are just being nice to me. 
And yet I continue to like you.

Sometimes the girl who’s been there for everyone else needs someone to be there for her.

I feel so small. My chest feels empty. My mind is going insane. 

Having a mental illness is LIT

L - literally destroying my future prospects
I - irreversibly damaging my relationships
T - tiring and draining

One of the scariest feeling is starting to fall in love with someone you've never met.

You begin to picture your future with them. How many kids you will have, where you will live, what your house will look like. But in that moment the fear subsides, because in that moment you are in love with them. It doesn't matter that you haven’t physically met. They are the best thing about your life. You don’t need the physical actions to know you are in love. You have a connection that is stronger than any other couple. You fell in love with each other’s personalities. It’s the best feeling in the world knowing that someone out there loves every little part of you.

I think you really know you love someone when you just want to do something you know will make them happy or make their lives easier. You don’t want a reward, you just want a smile on their face.

All of us wear a mask.

Everyday.
It’s not because we’re being fake or anything, it’s just human nature to present ourselves in a way we want other people to see us. It gets to the point where we sometimes find ourselves constantly wearing that very same mask day by day by day. When we force ourselves to pretend to act a certain way, we become a certain way. Most of the time, how we put off ourself isn’t even the real us 95% of the time. Because if we really did show our true emotions…we’re afraid of how others would judge us, criticize us and take advantage of our weakness.
We all wear a mask, not to hide our faces, but to protect our true emotions.

"We create first impressions based on the smallest of things. A smile. A firm handshake. A friendly demeanor. But, humans are layered. We lift veil after veil, and it’s only when we slip past a smile and meander through our cortex that we find something that we can truly call human. We’re built as natural defense mechanisms. We hide our vulnerabilities and show strength with an upturned chin and a straight gait, but which of us mean it? Which of us can keep our shoulders like level weights without showing the vulnerability in our curves? We create angles in our form. We’ll choose empowerment in the form of redwoods instead of bending ourselves like boughs. We’re strong enough to hold an ocean instead of admitting that we’re fragile enough to be swallowed by the sea, and in that, I find humanity’s greatest flaw. We pretend to be someone we’re not, although fragility is what makes us all beautiful. We don suits and straighten our ties and walk around holding our breaths, knowing that once we step into the safety of our homes, we’d take off our skin and place them side-by-side next to our loafers. We are who we are when we believe that no one’s looking, and in turn we’re losing ourselves to what society is trying to mold us into. We’re told to conform to a monochrome world instead of painting our skies the colors we feel in. First impressions bother me because they’re nothing but well-dressed lies. I’m not interested in who you are at first glance. I’m not interested in the person that you claim to be. I only want to know what color your seas are. I only want to know what you bleed."

We’re not the same as we were before. We barely exchange two words together. You don’t even put as much effort into this like I do. But that’s okay. I’ll find someone else that will put as much effort in like I do. 

All the cute guys are either gay, taken, far away or they don’t like me back, lol.

I've told myself this time and time again, “don’t be so naive, dumb ass.” 
And time and time again, I have failed to take my own advice. 
And of course.. time and time again, I either find myself hurt, lost or confused, sometimes… all three at once.

You know that feeling where you think about that someone, and there’s an ache in your chest?

It’s only them you think about.
It’s only them who constantly crosses your mind and seep through your darkest secrecy corners of the mind.
The ones who slowly disappear from your presence. To the daily text message, phone calls, skyping, good-mornings and good-nights.

That pain that grows on you as time progresses on.
That heartache that doesn't dissolve away, but rather leaving an unclosed wound.
An unreasonable unclosure door that is left behind.
The need for closure builds on.
Just wanting a reason to be said, yet only silence is creeping in.

Opening your eyes wide open to silence.
Waking up to no missed calls.
Not being able to hear their voices.
No more wake up calls or sleepy voices, but waking up to a world that is on its end.

Sometimes you gotta remind yourself that you’re something special. That you can’t be replaced and that your heart, your mind, your conversation, your care, your kiss, your love - it can’t be replicated. By anyone.

I’m one of those people who will do anything to put a smile on someones face, just because I love to see someone happy. I love to see them smile, even when I’m not happy. Because I know I can’t make myself happy, so why don’t I just take this advantage to make someone else happy.

"How do you know when it's over?"

"Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you."