I have accustomed myself to the bitterness of black tea, so is my tongue and so is my nose to the nice aroma; and so is the music quietly filling my room with desolate sighs. I’m craving a late-night conversation, or revelation, or simple consolation.. whichever comes first.

To any depressed people following me -

I just want to put this out here in case there’s anyone who feels and experiences depression and any sorts of emotion instability/ies.

I swore that I would kill myself before ever hitting 23 because life was so miserable and I didn’t think things would ever get better. And like, life is still miserable, don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna tell you “it gets better”, but I want to let you know from experience that life gets a LITTLE more fun. When you learn how to drive, when you start making your own money, things seem a little different. Things change. I’m not saying you won’t be sad anymore because chances are you probably will be, but you’ll experience new things and you have the chance to interact with new groups of people. It’s kinda fun and kinda cool and you deserve to at least experience the changes before ending things permanently. 

That feel when your day is going fine but then you get reminded of something traumatic few years ago and you start crying and can’t stop and literally dying would be better than this. 

A l o n e

At least in hell it's burning. I'm not even burning. I am void, empty, souless, nothing.

Nothing makes me feel motivated.

Nothing makes me want to live.

There is nothing I look forward to.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

I am nothing.

I wish someone would tell me to jump. To let go of everything here on Earth. To finally end my suffering. That's when I feel as though someone finally cares.

I am so sick of people telling me everything will be OK. That I need to stay strong, stay positive. That I am an inspiration, that I am creative and talented and above all else, loved.

Bullshit.

Look at me.

I'm alone.

I should write.
But all the passion inside me,
has been burned out.

It’s so easy for people to say ‘just stop worrying’.
But when you have over a gazillion thoughts running through your head all at once it’s so much harder to 'just stop worrying’.

I write about love like I know it so well, but to be honest, love and I have never officially met.

I didn't care enough.

That was my problem. People slipped through my fingers like sand, hobbies became a thing of the past, dreams were for people with hope and love belonged to those who deserved it. And I guess I didn’t care enough to deserve any of those things.

My veins bleed ink and my soul breathes deep.

And sometimes I cannot help but to wonder... if writing is supposed to be therapeutic, then why do I constantly feel like I’m ripping open my skin with animalistic claws? Am I writing to remember, or to get rid of these memories?

Do you ever feel like you’re waiting for something that isn’t ever going to happen? Like, you’re basing all your decisions on ‘if’s, ‘maybe’s, and uncertainty?

And sometimes, no matter how much you want to get up and leave, theres’s something that draws you back, to continue waiting. Perhaps it’s all the time you’ve already spent on something, and to lose that suddenly, for nothing, seems kind of pointless. But, why continue wasting time?

It’s like, waiting at a train station, for a train that doesn’t stop at this particular location, but something keeps you attached to waiting here. As if one day, the train will change course.

You want to leave, desperately wish to go, but still hopelessly believe that an alternative is possible. The train will change course, to a better one.

But, what should happen if the moment you’ve gone, the train makes a sudden turn.

By then, will it be too late?

You know one of those nights, where you just don’t know what to do...? It’s cold, it’s lonely, the night breeze. You feel so helpless and alone. Nights like these are the worse.

You stay up in bed, doing these things, trying to get yourself to fall asleep. But all you could do is just think. Think about anything and everything. Your past experiences, things you’ve been through, the life you’re living. All the stressful things that’s been happening. And as much as you try not to think about anything, it’s always the bad things that outshine the good.

You sit there reminiscing all the times you’ve had with people who no longer exist in your life. People who once were there for you, but just vanished like a smoke of cloud. You think about how much happier you used to be, and how everything was better before.

It’s nights like these were you realise how lonely you are, how much hope has departed, yet the memories haven’t.

Do you know that feeling where you just want to disappear?

I think it’s a cry for help.

Because sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it’s caving in on you. At times there are people out there who really do feel like they don’t want to exist, like they just want to curl up in a ball and go into that place between life and death. When they say things such as ‘I don’t want to exist’ isn’t saying ‘I want to die’. It’s saying ‘I wish for the time being that I can escape this place call reality and just not feel’.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, and you don’t know how it feels to be this way then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

I tell myself it’s all good, and that one day everything is going to be alright.
But as the days go by, I just doubt myself a little more.
I have been told (and I know this too), that to feel better, all I need is to believe.
But it’s been so hard that I don’t know how much I can hold on and be strong.

When I feel so empty, and I get tired of my sad face in the mirror.
I want to give up all the dreams I have kept inside my soul.
Every time that I feel like I’m too weak when everyone is so perfect, I lose all of my strength and I feel like I could fall down right on the floor.

#endlessbattle

Maybe if I was prettier
Maybe if I was stronger
Maybe if I was smarter
Maybe if I was thinner
Maybe if I was louder
Maybe if I was better

.... just maybe.

Read this if you are sad:

A reminder for anyone that's feeling sad..

When you’re feeling sad and you think that it is not going away, or that you won’t ever feel happy again, don’t. Because I guarantee you that one day you will find happiness. You know why? I can guarantee it. Everyone does come across being genuine again, even if it is for a split second. Someday you’ll finally see yourself as your own friend. Those people who screwed you over, hurt you, or broke your heart, they won’t matter. Your mistakes won’t matter because you will move past that, learn from it and eventually accept it. You will understand that you can live without that person you thought you couldn’t. The people who you thought were your friends, they won’t matter anymore. You will have everything because it’s inside of you. Because one day they will recognise that they appreciate you just the way you appreciate yourself.

One day, you’re going to be ready. You’re going to open your eyes, and you’re going to be ready for the next days that are to come. You’re going to get up, go out, and you’re going to talk when you are ready. Go out with friends, do things that will distract you now, and try something new. When you’re ready, everything will be okay. Everything will be alright, because it’s okay not to be okay. And one day when you come to recognise this, you’ll remember reading this. You’re going to tell someone else who won’t believe you, and some day they will believe it like the way I always wish you did as well, and you have. Because now I believe it - seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, I’ve come to find the things I didn’t see in myself. And now, I’m blooming into something I’d never thought I was capable of doing and so will you.

Find the light to yourself. Try new things that you’ve never done before, and take risks. The excitement feelings that will be rushing through your spine will trigger new ideas and feelings that you have never felt before, and you will feel better. You’ll probably forgot about everything that has happened, even if it is just for a split second, and it’s going to be okay. Smile. Be positive. Surround yourself with light, positive and get rid of all the darkness aura that was around you.

Life is about finding yourself. Love yourself first because everything will be okay. 

Suicide.

When it comes down to suicide, I think each and every one of us has at least thought once about committing one, unless you live a goddamn easy lucky life then you probably won't have (just my opinion). Having suicidal thoughts are scary, and the chance of us actually committing it, is high. Most of us have thought about ending our lives, usually in the moment when we feel most depressed, alone, feeling useless, being unhappy, and so much more.

You know that feeling where it's like “Half of me is very happy, the other half of me thinks about ending my life.” Yeah, I get that. I admit that I've had suicidal thoughts before, but I looked past that and beyond that. We are worth so much and ending something so much more meaningful is never the option. Not only will we affect ourselves, but we will affect everyone around us with sorrow and sin.
So if you're ever feeling this way, I urge you to talk to someone.
Look beyond all the negative things. And get help because you have a long life ahead of you and I promise you, it’ll be worth it in the long run.

Midnight thoughts

I write because writing is my only escape. I need that escape, as my mind is submerged in a pool of darkness and I am too tired to swim. By tired, I mean sick. I am sick, broken, numb. I no longer get the taste for love, happiness and sadness. I wake up every morning struggling to get out of bed, I realise my passion is dying, becoming emotionless and hollow. I rise like a zombie in the night. For I am a creature of the bight. The demons that robbed me of my emotions thrive in the dark but not in the daylight where they can be seen. By seen I mean noticed. I float around hoping someone will notice that I need help. But no. I have sunk too far from any ability to speak my mind now. Each day I go deeper and deeper into my unhappy pool of darkness deeper into my mind….deeper into my skin. And just as I think it is getting better like I’m floating to the surface, I dive back in again only this time I go deeper. The blade drowns in my blood as it gushes out and now I’m lost. I’m lost, sick and tired. And I let myself drown. 

Possessed by Depression

I miss who I used to be. I miss her oh so dearly. She tries to come back now and then.. but the possession of this new girl is so deep in.

They suffocate one another. Constantly, endlessly, until one overrules the other.

Things I tell myself on repeat

Today is not your day to give up.

Sometimes I can’t help but to feel as if I’m of so little importance in this world and to the people in it. Like I could just disappear and nobody would even notice.

I tried. I really did. But I can't no more.

It hurts being able to love everything so deeply, because you pour yourself into everything and everyone, but at the end of the day you always find yourself alone and empty, because no one else is willing to pour their love into you.

Reassurance is the best.

When someone reminds you of how important you are to them, how they still care for and love you, it’s like so much weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. A big relief that they’re still there. Reassuring, it’s a good feeling.

Anxiety.

It is like I feel fine. Like I have had a good day then I start to over-analyse every single thing. Every conversation I have had. Everything I have said and done. Do people not like me because of stupid stuff. It’s uncontrollable. I feel like everyone hates me.

Mummy knows best.

When I think back to the past about things that have occurred to me, relationships, incidents, study, anything bad really. I could have prevented it because mummy had already foretold what was going to happen and had given me her wise words of advice yet I chose to go against it and not listen. But I know now to listen to what she has to say because her intentions are not to be a party pooper, but to keep me safe. Mummy probably knows what I am going through at each phase of my life, I think her 2cents comes from experience.

Today I turn 23 years old.

I am rebuilding my career.

I have absolutely no romantic prospects.

But you know what?

I know who the fuck I am.

That will always be enough.

When it all just sinks in...

When all those feelings hit you.

When you realise you were doing much and received back so little.
The moment you realise what had happened, turned out to be nothing but a bitter end.

The moment your tears clean out your sight, you come to sense and realise, you’re nothing. Nothing, but a shadow of another. What reality led up to made you come to your senses and made you finally see that you’re worthless. That you’re as worthless as it could get.

Your heart and brain turns off and starts resenting against anymore hatred and hurt.

When you finally see that your heart can’t take it no more.

That’s when you give up, that’s when there’s no hope, no faith, when you realise it was just another lie.

When you’re sad:

1. Write letters to the people you love. Don’t seal them; don’t send them. Instead, stick them between the pages of library books.

2. Eat raspberries off your fingertips.

3. Venture outside and observe natural life. Watch a honey bee suck the nectar from lavender plants. Watch a snail slowly make its way towards the shade of a tree. Watch a hummingbird innocently fly above your head. Realise how insignificant you are.

4. Smile at strangers; say hello. It will improve their day and your own.

5. Write lists. They can be about anything.

6. Read several pages of the dictionary. Learn new words. Write down the ones you wish to remember.

7. Never feel compelled to apologize when you don’t feel sorry. It’s okay that you’re honest. It’s okay that you have a different opinion from someone else.

8. Read books and watch movies from your childhood. A healthy dose of nostalgia is okay. Immerse yourself in your past innocence.

9. Walk to a park and get on a swing. Go as high as you can; feel limitless. The world is yours.

10. Eat if you’re hungry. Food is not the enemy. You are a human and need food to survive. You deserve to eat. Put those raspberries on your fingers and sprinkle sugar on your tongue. Taste the summer breeze and sweet aroma of jasmine flowers.

11. Don’t marinate in your sadness. You are not a steak. You are a person; you’re irreplaceable. Open yourself up to contentment. Bathe in the rivers of Glee. Go for hikes with Satisfaction. Sleep in a warm cocoon of blankets with Bliss. Let endless happiness overcome your hopeless sadness. You deserve to be happy. If life is a game and you are the referee, be biased for once and let happiness win.

I want you to know, there is a person in this world, who will wait for you forever, irrespective of where and when, somehow you know, there is such a person.

I have always dreamt of the...

... perfect guy magically appearing in front of me one day, only to take my hand as he gazes into my eyes to tell me he has fallen ridiculously and helplessly in love with me.

As for him, he would be undeniable the guy from my wildest dreams. A little taller than me, his face is well-defined. From his soft and inviting lips, clean chin to his sweet eyes that are sensuous and radiant like pure diamond which capture every nerves in my mind to his body, firmly built like a knight awaiting to rescue me. Every gesture of his, every word, and even the silence is to be remembered by me. He’d be something I couldn’t resist.

But then again… what are the chances of a fairytale knocking on my door, when I’m just your average, not so noticeable me? Perhaps I watch too much movies, hence the crazy imagination I’ve come to develop.

Does anyone else ever like…. partially dissociate? Like there’s a little part of you that is just not there but the rest of you is like “come back to the body, buddy, we have stuff to do”?

Note to self: it’s okay to find yourself thinking about someone late at night and smiling or crying or feeling everything or nothing as thoughts of that person overwhelm you. It’s okay to wonder, even if that person might not be thinking about you (anymore).

WHY RUSH?

Why are people trying to get a guy/girl?
Why are people rushing into getting a relationship?
I mean, what’s the point?
If you’re ready to be with someone, then you’re ready. You can’t force time and make things go faster. You can’t just like someone for a day and then immediately want to be with them the next. It doesn’t work like that. Be patient. Your time will come. Fuck those who pressure you into dating someone. Fuck those who judge you for being single. You’re not single because no one wants you - you’re single because you’re waiting for the right one. Don’t rush. It’s not going to get you anywhere in the end. 

If you are not nice, then you’re considered a bitch and a snob. 
But if you’re too nice, then you’re considered fake. I don’t get it. 

You know that feeling, when you truly just love and care for someone. To the point where no matter all the mistakes they’ve made or all the faults they’ve been through, you don’t care about any of those. You don’t look for faults, answers or mistakes. Instead, you fight those mistakes and you accept it from them. Accepting all their flaws and them as a person, knowing that no matter what happens, you’ll always look past it, loving them as of right now for simply who they are. 

Long distance relationships.

Don't know what got me tonight, but mind got me thinking about writing something regarding to LDR's, so here goes, a scope of what it's like to be in a long distance relationship.

You spend a whole lot of time alone. Not alone as in miserably lonely, but handling your day to day activities with the absence of your lover. there are times where you just wish that it was easier for them to be around you, to hold you when you’re cold, and having the luxury of falling asleep in their arms then waking up to see their blunt beauty in the morning. Trust becomes a huge factor in the success or failure of the relationship because all you really have is the unspoken promises of commitment and fidelity.
Before you decide to pursue a relationship with someone far away, there is a transparent contract that you sign, saying that you know the consequences and you fully accept what follows. When they can’t physically be there, you can’t blame them and say that they’re never around. Circumstances divide you two apart and it’s up to both of the individuals to work past that, not ignore it. You end up depending on technology to converse with your significant other. A simple text, phone call or webcam sessions start to mean so much more to you.
Then there are times where it becomes difficult because you want to hold them when they’re having a bad day, to show up at their front door steps and surprising them, or just going out on a lunch date from time to time. So you find alternative ways to show them how much you care. Any moment with them is sacred because it becomes something you to yearn for, so much that it aches. It’s most definitely not easy, but when you fall in love, everything is worth it. And every single time you look into their eyes, it’s like the first time all over again. You learn to be great on your own, but even better when they’re by your side. It’s where independence and dependency is in perfect harmony.

I rarely, rarely, RARELY ever cry in front of people because whenever I do, it hits like a freaking tsunami. 

My worst weakness is that I feel everything too much and I can’t help being so sensitive.


It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.

I have learned that you wouldn't be able to live your life if you were not focus on yourself.

You can’t base your life on what people think of you, their beliefs, what they want, their characteristics and personalities. You can’t live your own life focusing on everyone else’s opinions.

Sometimes you shouldn't put your happiness aside just because you want to make someone else happy. And sometimes you should do what you want to do. Because sometimes, it’s not about everyone else.

Sometimes it’s about you. Focus on yourself first. Life isn’t a competition, or a race. Life is more than that.

The goal shouldn't be, who will make it to the finish line first.

The real goal should be to enjoy the path that will take you there.

Sometimes I feel so alone..

The saddest part about all of this is that I actually like you and you are just being nice to me. 
And yet I continue to like you.

Sometimes the girl who’s been there for everyone else needs someone to be there for her.

I feel so small. My chest feels empty. My mind is going insane. 

Having a mental illness is LIT

L - literally destroying my future prospects
I - irreversibly damaging my relationships
T - tiring and draining

One of the scariest feeling is starting to fall in love with someone you've never met.

You begin to picture your future with them. How many kids you will have, where you will live, what your house will look like. But in that moment the fear subsides, because in that moment you are in love with them. It doesn't matter that you haven’t physically met. They are the best thing about your life. You don’t need the physical actions to know you are in love. You have a connection that is stronger than any other couple. You fell in love with each other’s personalities. It’s the best feeling in the world knowing that someone out there loves every little part of you.

I think you really know you love someone when you just want to do something you know will make them happy or make their lives easier. You don’t want a reward, you just want a smile on their face.

All of us wear a mask.

Everyday.
It’s not because we’re being fake or anything, it’s just human nature to present ourselves in a way we want other people to see us. It gets to the point where we sometimes find ourselves constantly wearing that very same mask day by day by day. When we force ourselves to pretend to act a certain way, we become a certain way. Most of the time, how we put off ourself isn’t even the real us 95% of the time. Because if we really did show our true emotions…we’re afraid of how others would judge us, criticize us and take advantage of our weakness.
We all wear a mask, not to hide our faces, but to protect our true emotions.

"We create first impressions based on the smallest of things. A smile. A firm handshake. A friendly demeanor. But, humans are layered. We lift veil after veil, and it’s only when we slip past a smile and meander through our cortex that we find something that we can truly call human. We’re built as natural defense mechanisms. We hide our vulnerabilities and show strength with an upturned chin and a straight gait, but which of us mean it? Which of us can keep our shoulders like level weights without showing the vulnerability in our curves? We create angles in our form. We’ll choose empowerment in the form of redwoods instead of bending ourselves like boughs. We’re strong enough to hold an ocean instead of admitting that we’re fragile enough to be swallowed by the sea, and in that, I find humanity’s greatest flaw. We pretend to be someone we’re not, although fragility is what makes us all beautiful. We don suits and straighten our ties and walk around holding our breaths, knowing that once we step into the safety of our homes, we’d take off our skin and place them side-by-side next to our loafers. We are who we are when we believe that no one’s looking, and in turn we’re losing ourselves to what society is trying to mold us into. We’re told to conform to a monochrome world instead of painting our skies the colors we feel in. First impressions bother me because they’re nothing but well-dressed lies. I’m not interested in who you are at first glance. I’m not interested in the person that you claim to be. I only want to know what color your seas are. I only want to know what you bleed."

We’re not the same as we were before. We barely exchange two words together. You don’t even put as much effort into this like I do. But that’s okay. I’ll find someone else that will put as much effort in like I do. 

All the cute guys are either gay, taken, far away or they don’t like me back, lol.

I've told myself this time and time again, “don’t be so naive, dumb ass.” 
And time and time again, I have failed to take my own advice. 
And of course.. time and time again, I either find myself hurt, lost or confused, sometimes… all three at once.

You know that feeling where you think about that someone, and there’s an ache in your chest?

It’s only them you think about.
It’s only them who constantly crosses your mind and seep through your darkest secrecy corners of the mind.
The ones who slowly disappear from your presence. To the daily text message, phone calls, skyping, good-mornings and good-nights.

That pain that grows on you as time progresses on.
That heartache that doesn't dissolve away, but rather leaving an unclosed wound.
An unreasonable unclosure door that is left behind.
The need for closure builds on.
Just wanting a reason to be said, yet only silence is creeping in.

Opening your eyes wide open to silence.
Waking up to no missed calls.
Not being able to hear their voices.
No more wake up calls or sleepy voices, but waking up to a world that is on its end.

Sometimes you gotta remind yourself that you’re something special. That you can’t be replaced and that your heart, your mind, your conversation, your care, your kiss, your love - it can’t be replicated. By anyone.

I’m one of those people who will do anything to put a smile on someones face, just because I love to see someone happy. I love to see them smile, even when I’m not happy. Because I know I can’t make myself happy, so why don’t I just take this advantage to make someone else happy.

"How do you know when it's over?"

"Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you."

Love is just an illusion that sets your mind and perceives it in a different way. I used to think that I was in love with you. That you are the one. But I grew up. I learned that just because a guy gives me butterflies doesn't mean I’m meant to be with him. So I guess I just thought I loved you. I guess it was just lust, and I shouldn't be depressed or sad that we ended. But learn from it and move on. You should too.

There is something about you that makes me want to hate you, but I can’t. I.. don’t even know. I can’t explain it. Sometimes you make me so mad even though I know at times you are just messing with me. But sometimes you make me smile and I love it. How a person can impact your life even if it’s only been a short time. That’s so cute, haha.

Met this really cute guy. He had a nice style. Nice everything, oh my god. He gave me his jacket to wear because it was cold. The way he offered it, was so sweet. Then I saw him shiver and asked him he wanted it back, and the way he nodded 'no' and refusing to take it back was so cute haha. Arrgh, I just didn’t like the fact that I was hella bumming it and looked like mess.

Isn't it weird and funny:

• People who you don’t know, read your blog = awesome.
• People you do know who read your blog = terrifying.

I always grieve when I hit the ‘one of those nights’ phase.

You know, that heavy feeling you get, but you just have no idea why. You want to say something, anything, but nothing’s coming out. No matter how hard you try to find the right words. When you’re lying in bed, so tired, but just can’t sleep. So you just have to lie there, and wait for the tears to come out. 

Mr. Nice

I hope one day, I’ll meet a mannered, polite and civilized guy who can be funny. I find it pathetic how our generation is being overloaded with guys who can only talk about sex, ass and boobs. I’m surrounded by guys who only look for girls with a nice ass and boobs. I’d like to meet a guy who can like a girl for them and not for what they look like and look past the ass and tits and see what’s inside. Because let’s face it, I’m not the prettiest girl out there. Someone who can be a gentleman; open doors for me, pays for lunch, and knows how to be the perfect guy. Okay, I'll admit it sometimes guys who have a little bad ass in them can be cute. But if keeping their reputation is their priority.. then I’m pretty sure, y'all would think it would get out of hand. you know what I’m saying? Hmm anyways, it’s just annoying how we’re stuck in this era when sex is all guys think of.

Yesterday I realised what I really needed. I needed you. Lying to myself and making up excuses in my head why we couldn’t be, were the reasons why I wanted to be. I hadn’t cried this long in a long time. I felt as if you shot the bullet that killed me not even feeling my heart beat as it skipped a beat. 

I like people who are straight up. The ones who aren't afraid to voice their opinion, or blunt enough to tell you the truth, even if it will hurt your feelings. It’s definitely a plus to your personality in my book if you’re straight up. I don’t care so much for people who beat around the bush all the time, I’m more of a straight forward and just get to the point type of person.

It’s crazy how one minute you are making all these plans and promises with someone and then the next minute they are out of your life. All it takes is one moment, one word, or one misunderstanding to create a ridiculously large amount of doubts and pain. It’s easy to forget a person, but the words, the feelings, and the anticipations that you two have once built stays forever. It digs holes into your heart, and it simply hurts.

I’ve become a silent person once again.

Enclosing myself away in the shadows that slowly creep up to cover me. When did I become so quiet? When will I learn how to speak out my thoughts physically and mentally? The type of person to shut themselves from everything around them, only to hear nothing but silence and darkness devouring me.

Being too quick to judge will only have you miss out on the right people. Too quick to judge as in when you assumes the worst scenarios when you hear or see something in which you imagine to be unpleasant, and without even giving the person involved a chance to explain the truth, that person is automatically sentenced to death by you, it’s as if the person is dying for a crime they never committed. I don’t know, I just think there are so much things left unsaid and unheard, because so many of us pass up the opportunity of listening to the untold.

FIVE stages of a relationship.

I. The "meet" － when you first meet someone you’re interested in, probably attracted by their outside appearances. Your curiosity kicks in and you have this urge of getting to know them more, on a personal level.

II. The "talk" － you guys start talking, you get to know each other better and slowly, you guys begin to develop feelings. Then you become a part of each other’s daily routine, and your day feels incomplete when you don’t talk to him/her.

III. The "honeymoon" stage － when your relationship gets to a point where you can’t go through the whole day without thinking about your significant other. You get butterflies by the mention of their name, your smile like a idiot while checking their texts, your friends ask you “so who’s this new girl/guy?” because they notice how much happier you have been. After a while, they become the source of your happiness and you try to make time out of your day just so you guys can talk. You both begin to lose a large amount of sleep but it doesn't seem to matter, you guys are satisfied as long as you guys are giving each other company.

IV. Relationship downhill － when you guys are constantly fighting about nothing. You feel as if he/she doesn't care and you try to stop yourself from caring too much. You refuse to be the first to hit them up, yet you check your non-stop hoping for a text/call from them, but always end up in disappointment. You do whatever it takes to keep your mind off of them and try to keep yourself busy, yet you still find yourself wondering if they ever think of you, because all you do is think about them.

V. Strangers, again － when no effort is coming from any of you guys. You feel completely broken, you blame the other person for everything and eventually, both of you stop trying. You finally find the courage to erase them from your life, you tell yourself “I will move on” and hope for everything to get better.

And... in the end, you guys end up as strangers, again.

"You deserved so much better."

This phrase always hit a chord in me..... I then realised.... we so often say this.... in the midst of rejecting others.

I wish I never liked you.

Here's a post I wrote ages ago but have never got the time/feel to post. Now that it has been so many months, it doesn't faze me anymore, nevertheless, I'd love to share x

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I wish I didn’t waste all those times talking to you or thinking about you. I wish I didn’t worry or cared about all the times you ignored me. I wish I never got excited everytime you made me feel special, I wish I never believed every word you said. I wish I never got my hopes high for you. And I wish I never kept trying and trying, knowing I would just go through the same thing. Because in the end, the one that gets hurt isn’t you. It’s me.

I feel as if I am still waiting on my life to start. Eventhough I am living it right now, I feel stuck because I am not doing what I want with my life.

I once was with a guy that told me he didn't like girls that parties and drinks, and he liked me because I was innocent and cute. 7 months later we stopped seeing each other. A week later he dated a girl that parties and drinks. She was the complete opposite of me. I often wonder if he lied about his ideal type the entire time we're together. I was never what he wanted. They broke up after 2 weeks. He came to see me and wanted to start over. I didn't take him back. I knew we were so different. They say opposites attract, but I say opposites also don't last. Similar people also don't last. What will work in the end is only IF you want it to work. My thinking is a lot more mature than how I am being perceived for whatever reason. I honestly think guys don't really see that.. because they don't know the me inside. They see cute and that's all they know.

Mirror, the world I see behind you has become so distant to me. What am I doing with my life? I know who I am, I know where I should be.... but is this all I ever wanted?

I do not want to settle for what I have at the moment.

But how can I feel not so "lost"...?

"Some of you care. None of you cared enough"

Did you recognise the origin of this quote..?

Well if you did, then you'll know I'm referring to the show that everyone's talking and binge-ing on about these past few weeks - "13 Reasons Why".

Okay so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and watch 13 Reasons Why.
Big mistake.
If anyone suffers from depression/suicidal thoughts and are easily triggered, I highly suggest not watching this Netflix series as it triggered my suicidal thoughts that I haven’t had in ages and thought I was finally recovering from.

- Spoilers alert -

So what is this new series about? Here's a brief summary. It explored the death of a high school student, to be exact, she took her life and left behind a set of secret cassette tapes that reveal why she did what she did. And yes, as obvious as it seems from the title, 13 tapes, 13 episodes, 13 reasons why she did it. She doesn't have any signs of depression or mental illness at all, until things were getting worse in her life, as portrayed in the last few episodes. She is a normal and healthy girl who got bullied into thinking death was the only way out.

Before I watch it, I heard plenty of mixed reviews. People either love it. Or hate it. Or uncomfortable to talk about it. Or want it to be taught in schools, to raise awareness. Some are triggered by the intense content, or some are just confused about how to process what they're feeling. Numb, to be exact. And to some, unsurprisingly, it was often distressing to watch.

I for one, felt all these emotions above. This is definitely not a light-hearted series as it portrayed the ripple effect of suicide. You won’t find any happy endings here – and how could you?

“Hey, it’s Hannah. Hannah Baker.

Don’t adjust your… whatever device you’re hearing this on.

It’s me, live and in stereo.

No return engagements, no encore, and this time, absolutely, no requests.

Get a snack. Settle in.

Because I’m about to tell you the story of my life.

More specifically, why my life ended.

And if you’re listening to this tape, you’re one of the reasons why.”

— Hannah Baker

So back to the main point of me writing a post originally. I've binge watched this series in a week. And there are so many thoughts I have on my mind that I want to share with you all. All rambles are put in this post, in no specific order.

- Bloopers alert and raw thoughts below - Leave if you can't bare any and/or both of these -

Watching this series within a week (5 days to be exact), it left me raw - I couldn’t stop watching it, but it wasn’t an “easy” watch. I had to pause several times. I cried - several times. From start, I could feel her slow spiral out of hope and towards the end, her inevitable suicide.

And one weird thing about watching this series is that by the end I'm so rooting for Hannah and wanting her to make it and be okay that I almost forget she’s dead and the ending is already sealed. Clay won’t wake up to it all being a dream, she won’t be all “surprise bitch”, she’s dead, and it feels weirdly surprising when the suicide scene happens but you knew the whole time it was coming.

Yes, on the last episode, it shows Hannah Baker’s suicide on screen. Watching it was a visceral experience. My heart raced as Hannah prepares and eventually climbs into the bathtub. My stomach knotted as Hannah cringes and begins crying as she cuts her wrists. It is slow. It is uncomfortable. Too heavy. Too real. It was unsettling, difficult to stomach, and hard to imagine… But, so are the topics of suicide and sexual assault. Watching this series, hits so many cores - of what I went through 2 years ago, and the relapse last year. It’s like I’m Hannah Baker. But until now I’m not dead.
Which is true, let's be honest, Hannah in the series can be anyone.

As a person who went through what Hannah did (in most of the episodes, not in highschool) and wanted to die. This is just not something anyone who is suicidal should watch. I’ve binge-watched the show because I was so goddamn curious to know what would happen if everyone found out I died. How horrible is that? I don’t need this.

When you’re lost in your thoughts and you keep on watching “13 reasons why”. It’s just so relatable how people tend not to care on people’s feelings. They don’t know how simple things they said will affect that person or worst, make that person kill herself. They don’t know because in the first place they’re just full of themselves and doesn’t care other people’s thoughts. They don’t know because they can’t even put their shoes on that person’s perspective. That’s how people are right? That sucks. And no one will able to correct that. Yes there’s this someone who’ll just be there for you but that’s just that. They’re just there for you, not to help you solve your problems or be your true friend.

As Clay offers towards the end: “It has to get better, the way we treat each other and look out for each other - it has to get better somehow.”

Right?

Oh and one last thing to end this post, one thing that really captured my attention in “13 reasons why” is the focus they put on the fact that, before Hannah committed suicide, she wore old clothes.
I think the old clothes have two “powerful” meanings:

1. When you are at home, or at least when I am, I wear old clothes. And why is that? Well, to be comfortable at home. I mean, at home, you can be who you are and you can wear anything because you know nobody will judge your appearance. And I think that is the reason why Hannah wore those clothes: to be comfortable during her last moments on Earth, in the “peace” of her home.

2. Hannah’s old clothes can also be a representation of how she felt. The state of her mind. The thing with old clothes are that most people forget about it and left it behind in their wardrobes so that nobody else can see them and with time, they are invisible for you up to the point you do not even remember you have them.
Hannah was that too - she was ruined because of everything that happened to her, and all the false rumours, and even because of her own mind playing tricks on her; nobody payed attention to her and people seemed to forget about her (of course she was the focus when the rumours about her started) but she was a ghost at highschool; and she had holes in her soul, in her heart, in her mind because of the constant crap she had to face.

Ta for now -

You can choose to complain and make excuses for yourself OR you can change your attitude and take actions that brings you closer to your goals.
Every day you have a CHOICE. A choice that can either set you forward or backwards.
Remember, time waits for no one and it can either work in your favour or lead you to consequences and/or unfavorable outcomes - all depending on what YOU choose to do every day.
Think, plan, act, and slay😎⚔️

Writing is safer.. somehow. Because my pen cannot stutter like my lips do; and words get stuck in throats, not fingertips; can’t stumble
on paper trails of white lines because writing is definite and clear
and no one can tell if I am crying or laughing through written words alone.

Don't sink.

You don’t have to sink to the bottom of the ocean and watch the world as you fall.  You don’t have to isolate yourself because you’re hurt. People who love you will always be waiting near the shore and every once in a while, it’s okay to come to the surface to breathe. We all need air to grow. We all need an ocean to let go, but it’s people who will save you. Always remember that.

One morning, she woke up different.

Done with trying to figure out who was with her, against her, or walking down the middle because they didn’t have the guts to pick a side. She was done with anything that didn’t bring her peace. She realised that opinions were as dime as a dozen, validation was for parking, and loyalty wasn’t a word, but a lifestyle.
It was this day that her life changed. And not because of a man, or a job, but because she realised that life is way too short to leave the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket.

General guidance of the day:

You, yes you are who are reading this.
You should eliminate any thought that there is an expectation that you do anything by an age.
You don’t have to be married with kids by 25.
It’s okay to be 16 and never been kissed.
There’s nothing wrong with you if you haven’t graduated from university by 22.
You’re not a failure because you don’t have your dream job at 30.
There are no rules to life.
You don’t get special points for achieving certain things by a deadline.
Just go at your own speed.
It’s not a race.

And that has been what I've been living by. Living life at my own speed. Because this is what it all matters at the end.

Here's what I've learnt over a long period of time:

You’re wondering if he still loves you, but any kind of love that is void of action is not the kind of love that you deserve.
So ask yourself… does it really matter?
That one question will cause aches in the walls of your sorrowful chest.
And truthfully you already know the answer before you ask.

If it’s the kind of love that allows him to willfully stay away…then I beg you, I plead, let it go.
Let him go.
You deserve the kind of love that stays by your side and does not make you question its existence.

It didn’t matter what people thought about her. Her focus was never on small talk. She had better things to do in life, like become a better woman. She didn’t care what people said behind her back because most of them never had the guts to say it to her face anyway. She didn’t care if people believed in her, or if they were going to pick up and leave. What she offered was more than good enough and anyone who wanted to walk away from that… Well, that was on them.

One day, it just clicks.

You realise what’s important and what isn’t.
You learn to care less about what other people think of you and more about what you think of yourself.
You realise how far you have come and you remember when you thought things were such a mess that you would never recover.
And you smile.
You smile because you are truly proud of yourself and the person you’ve fought to become.

2017 is a selfish year.

My time will be invested on me. On improving myself. I want to become a better person physically and mentally.

A month later.

Well well well can't believe it has been a month since I've visited this old site of mine.
Life has been super busy - with work, blogging, youtube, friends and family of course, that I can't fault anything at this stage in my life at all! I'm super happy and glad with the opportunities I've received at work, I'm overjoyed that my effort in beauty blogging is seeping day by day and I'm continuously working hard for it, which I can see where that hard work is slowly ripping.

PS. I missed writing. Not just with beauty blogging, but just carefree thinking. I really do. And that's my March challenge - I will post here as often as I can when my mind speaks out.

And here's something to think about tonight :)

I think as you grow older you look for very different things in people. 

Honesty. Loyalty. Integrity. 

But most of all, you look for someone who will stand right by your side when the walls start crumbling and the fires rage within. 

They are right there, and in that moment, you know they’ve got you.

First of February.

Wow. Just like that, first month of 2017 is gone. Never to return.

Anyways, here's today inspiration.

When you love yourself, you learn to stop investing your time and energy on those who don't matter. If there's one thing you never get back, it's time. Dedicate your time and energy on those who matter. Be smart and strong enough to walk away.
Let go, move on, and realise you deserve better. And last but not least, be the type of person you want to attract and be around. (Your vibe attracts your tribe!)

Is it worth the argument?

I have a mind of my own and am an opinionated stubborn sass. I used to argue even when I knew I was wrong. Over the years, I learned it's important what you choose to stand up for and that arguing is not always the right nor is it an approachable way to address a certain issue. I also learned to value people who are in my life more than my ego, so I agree to disagree because everyone is different in the way they see and think.
However, standing up for what's right, what is yours, and what you want is necessary.
Choose what is worth standing up for. You don't need to agree with everything/everyone, but understand that you can agree to disagree without starting a petty argument.
Everyone has their own opinions and thoughts and that's what makes everyone uniquely different.

Loyalty isn't grey. It's black and white. You're either loyal completely, or not loyal at all. And people have to understand this. You can't be loyal only when it serves you.

Kindness.

It doesn't cost a damn thing.

I believe in being kind to everyone, even a-holes because you never know what they're going through. Maybe they just need a little sunshine after having a bad day and/or week. It literally doesn't cost a thing to be nice. It could be as simple as giving them a nice compliment, giving them a hand with groceries, or even opening the door. People underestimate the power of how a small act of kindness has an impact on others. It may be a small act to you, but that small act of kindness can turn someone's day/week around. So be a little ray of sunshine to everyone you meet because kindness goes a long way☀️💜

Where do I see myself in 10 years? What's in it for me?

In 10 yrs I see myself financially stable with my own business or with whatever I end up doing, so I can start doing charity work. Pharmacy field is awesome, but it can be physically and mentally draining. I went into it knowing I couldn't do it forever, and that's okay because nothing in life remains the same.
Currently, I'm a lifestyle beauty blogger and influencer while working full time in a pharmacy field because I believe it's never too late to start pursuing your dreams. Sure, its a lonely path, but I know it will be worth it in the end and I'm always thankful for the opportunity to pursue my dreams.
Also, if there's a man or woman who understands and supports your goals, you got yourself an irreplaceable gem! Most people only stick around when there's something in it for them and that's unfortunate. People always ask, what's in it for me? But really, they should be asking, how can I be there/support this person? Don't let loneliness make you stick around those who only want to leech off you. You deserve someone genuine, understanding, and supportive!

QUALITY over quantity

Don't be scared to let people go. If they give you bad energy, don't support or help you grow and prosper, and interfere with your path/decisions in life... Stop yourself from absorbing all of that✋. Remember, 👉YOU👈 are in control of who and what stays and influences you. Rather than focusing on quantity, make friends with those who are of QUALITY and continue to emit positive frequencies😉. What you reflect onto others is what you get back.

I think one of my favourite feelings is laughing with someone and realising half way through how much you enjoy them and their existence x

I admit my level of weirdness is above the national average, but I'm comfortable with that.
Be you.
Do you💋

Not everyone has the same heart.

One of my flaw is thinking everyone has the same heart as I do. I used to get sh*t hurt when someone used, lied, or hurt me, which is how any normal person would feel.
But now, I have reached a point in my life where I look past any personal feelings from my doings for others. I do what I do for others because my heart tells me to and I wouldn't have it any other way. For the people I care about in my life I go above and beyond without any expectations, which is also why I keep my circle small. I learned people will use, lie, cheat, and hurt you, but it's ultimately up to you who you keep in your life. If you have good people in your life, value and be good to them🌹

"In life, you will realise there is a role for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you, some will love you and some will teach you. But the ones who are truly important are the ones that bring out the best in you. They are the rare and amazing people who remind you why it's worth it."😇

There's a story of a little frog stuck in a well. He thinks that a few clouds and a small patch of blue sky is all there is to this world. Until one day a little bird flies past his well and lands on the edge of it. "Come out you silly little  frog! Come out and see the awesome big world!"
Question is: am I the bird or the frog?

The only time I look back is to see how far I've come🍂

People always wonder how and why I'm always happy

I believe in positive energy and what you reflect is what you're going to get back. Sure, I have horrible days, but I don't let that ruin my whole day because each day is precious. Every day is a gift, another opportunity, another passing moment to LIVE and make a difference.
✔️I stopped letting things/people get to me.
✔️I learned to value and appreciate myself.
✔️I learned to be grateful for everything and everyone, even bad experiences.
✔️I learned there are worst things in life.
✔️I learned being happy was a choice. MY choice.
Started this year being genuinely happy has attracted many good people into my life and I'm eternally thankful for everyone so far. I hope you find the courage to LIVE and make every day worthwhile because everyone deserve to be happy. I hope you find happiness within and reflect all that you are!

My tip of the day for all of you :)

The beauty in not giving any cents about what anyone thinks, is doing what makes YOU happy.
I personally don't give a poo about what anyone thinks or says.
I do what makes ME happy. I learned that I'm responsible for my own happiness, which is why I don't let anyone's opinions and judgements to crawl up and affect me.
My happiness shines from within and nothing can dim the light from within.
Your happiness starts with YOU!💫✨

When you feel like giving up:

The key to succeed is: persistence, consistency and hard work.

Don't give up when things get hard, when things get confusing and when it make you hopeless. Don't lose sight of what is most important to you. Keep focus and continue to chase after your dreams and/or goals in life!

Life is messy and unpredictable.

Change is inevitable and happens in constant motion throughout our lives. Some good and some bad. But ultimately, we are in control of creating a life that we dream to have one day.

People, goals, desires and circumstances change, but where we choose to be in our later years is pre-determined by what we do and/or build NOW.

So no matter how difficult and cloudy things get, don't give up and keep going! Life doesn't stop for anybody. Reality is crap happens and that's life. Don't dwell on every bad situation because overthinking doesn't change anything. I can't emphasise that anymore.

Think of it as a stepping stone that leads you closer to your goals, let it go and keep going! x

I love knowing and planning. However, I'm not fixed and am flexible to changes. Things change and we know that plans don't always go as planned right? It's important to understand that everything that happens good and bad is all part of the process in life. There are things that are out of your control and change is inevitable. But how and what you do next is utterly up to you. You can be sour puss and complain OR work harder towards your goal and become better in all aspects of life.

Your life👉Your choices👉Your life story.

Create your own destiny. 

A bad situation can turn into a good story. It's how you look and act on every twist, bends, and turns in life.

Life is short, precious and tastefully wonderful once you understand that life isn't perfect and to learn to appreciate the good and the bad in life✌️️

You're the author to your own story.✍

You're the driver behind the wheel to your life/destination.
Don't let people tell you how to live your life. As long as it doesn't involve hurting others or being a bad person, do what makes YOU happy. By this, I'm not saying be dumb and reckless... I'm saying don't let others tell you who you need to be and how you should live your life.
Work hard and live the way YOU envisioned your life!
Do what you want, say what you feel, make opportunities, be spontaneous and last but not least... stay true to yourself.
After all, you only get one life.☝ 

You are not truly free until you stop needing validation from others. Don't be a prisoner of those that don't matter. What others think shouldn't matter. People will belittle and judge no matter what you do, so free yourself and you do you💕

A flaw or a problem?

Is being too caring or going above and beyond for someone... a flaw or a problem?

I personally consider this to be my strength. I say it's my strength because eventhough I may care or go above and beyond for someone, I do it because I'm strong enough to be okay with caring and doing what I can for someone without having any expectations. However, I only do this for people who value, love and appreciate me.
I do what I do because my heart allows me to and my heart wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't take back what I did for that person because it could've made a difference and/or meant the world for them even if it was just for that moment.
I'm not saying to care or go above and beyond for those that DON'T deserve such actions. But if there's someone in your life that values, loves and appreciates you... don't be scared to open your amazing heart to care a whole buttload or go above and beyond💞

PS. This year is all about positive vibes, where I'll be writing positive and hopefully inspirational posts for you all to read! Hence all my posts this year will be tagged under "positive vibes" :)

Starting 2017 with a smile :)

It's 3rd day of this year and I hope all of you have started your new year with a strong mind and kind heart. Practicing New Years resolution shouldn't be a yearly thing, it should be a daily thing.
✅If you have a goal/dream, pursue it.
✅If you're scared to try something, start now.
✅If you mess up, go back and fix it.
✅If you like someone, have the courage to tell them.
✅If someone/something is giving you bad energy, drop them like flies.
✅If you want to_________, go do it!
✅Don't keep wishing/hoping. MAKE THAT SHIT HAPPEN👊

Stay positive, dedicated, and patient. Hard work and kind heart will eventually pay off.
Anyways, I'm grateful for everyone in my life and wish nothing, but the best for everyone! x

It’s officially 2017.

We made it. whether you knew you were going to make it or if you didn’t think you were going to be able to hang on this long, you made it. 
We survived. We survived. And sure the start of the new year might not mean anything when you’ve got a lot going on, but here’s to hoping that soon, our lives won’t just be about surviving or making it through, here’s to hoping our lives will be about living them to the fullest and that our lives are going to be full of happiness. So here’s to 2017 - here’s to you!

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My main goals for 2017 onward is to not be so hard on myself and to STRESS LESS; whether it be about the way I look, work, money, friendships etc. I really want to be more positive about every aspect of my life.
I'm super excited to see what 2017 has to offer and I look forward to being motivated to achieve great things. 🌸💕