There’s something comforting in the fact that nothing’s really permanent. That no matter what I’m going through, who I am, what I think, what’s happening around me, it can always change. Maybe good times don’t last, but at least bad times don’t last either. Maybe I'm unsatisfied with who I am, but I’m not stuck that way.

numb // inability to feel much of anything

Feeling overwhelmed and overburdened by life's challenges to the point where I just can't feel anymore. I am really too tired and weary to emote and put on a happy mask every time I am outside in the social circle.

The irony is that antidepressants/anti-anxiety medications used to overcome mood disorders can also cause emotional numbness. My experience gives me a feeling of being flat-lined emotionally. I ain't sad but I also ain't happy. I am simply here and there.

Logically, my mind is telling me that the problem with emotional numbness is that it has made me to avoid all the good emotions like happiness and love. It is like sitting on the curb and watching life pass by without truly living it myself.

Emotional numbness is just like you being sucked into the "big black hole." Once you are in there, it is hard to get out. All you can see is darkness. There is complete nothingness. I felt like people could see through me as though I was a walking spirit. I didn't matter. Nothing mattered and so why feel anything right? I am too tired to feel. And so the days just blended together into one never ending shade of gray.

One of my friends commented that my facial expressions were flat. The interesting thing is that I was not aware of how I appeared. I was too numb to care. On the other hand, to the other people, they may interpret my emotional numbness as being cold or apathetic. Some people may think I don't care anymore about anything, for example, relationships. Others may accuse me of being distant or aloof. They do not understand that this is part of depression. One does not always have to be crying to be depressed. The other thing my therapist picked up on is that when I was telling a sad story from my life, I showed inappropriate affect.  I was discussing my experience with trauma and I would be smiling or even laughing. I wasn't emotionally connected to what I was saying and could not feel the pain. Despite feeling no pain, I found that I am denying myself opportunities to feel good again.

I was replying emails this afternoon, and one of the emails had this question, "Please describe depression for people like me who’ve never been depressed. All the best for your recovery."
I haven't reply the email yet. *to the person who sent me this email - thankyou for the email if you're reading this now* As I was writing this post, I thought I might as well answer here since it's related and I wanted to share with you all too.
So here goes~

Depression is seeing no future (and the inability to construct, envision and dream of a future), and no answer for any of the problems in your life. When you have depression, nothing is enjoyable. Nothing can make you smile. It feels like you’re a ghost... not part of the real world. It’s like drowning ... except you can see everyone around you breathing. Depression to me is like having your mind replaced by another one that makes me feel worthless and numb to life. Depression has stolen my confidence and now I no longer feel I am worthy of anyone’s love. Depression calls me names and makes me have awful thoughts, and there have been many times when depression has won and ended my life many times, but hadn't been successful yet. Depression is a total loss of who you are. You experience multiple emotions: fear, despair, emptiness, numbness, shame, embarrassment and an inability to recognise the fun, happy person you used to be. Depression makes you feel like you’re an actor playing you - one that’s always forced to smile.

Perhaps it’s not possible for you to understand what it truly feels like to have clinical depression unless you’ve suffered from it yourself, but I hoped the above descriptions should give you some indication. If nothing more, I do hope they should make you realise that depression is far far more severe than just “having the blues” or feeling “sad”. It is a soul-sucking illness - one that is so severe that it claims nearly a million lives a year worldwide. So if you know someone who has it, don’t just tell them to “pull themselves together” or to simply “get over it”. Instead, listen to them. Support them. And most importantly, be their friend.

My pursuit to happiness…. when will it begin?

I just want to believe there is a somebody out there just for me.
I just want to believe that I exist to be there for that somebody.

Is that too much and hard to ask for, life?

Or maybe, I am not destined to live and breathe in this world.

Do you ever randomly just think of someone you haven’t spoken to for a while and you wonder how they’re doing and all?

We all forget.

We will all forget the most important things to us. No matter what or whom they are, or what affect they had on our lives, we will forget them. The feelings that they evoked will slowly diminish into the deepest parts of our minds. The reactions they drew from our bodies will fade away until even the slight hints of remembrance are gone. Everything that seems so big to us now will be dead soon. If not physically dead, then it will simply cease to exist in our own minds. Someone else may feel the pain or happiness, depending on what it was, but we will lose it eventually. We will lose it all.

To make us feel smaller, everything about our existence will soon end. Our bodies will die, and with it, so does our personality, our jokes, our laughs, our smiles; our everything will be dead. Memories of us will fade in the backs of others’ minds until they too are also dead, and the rest of us shall die with them. We may stop impacting the rest of the world above us, but we will forever lie with the ones who always mattered to them; whom we really mattered to.

So...
Here’s the hoping that our life is long and enjoyable, for when it’s over, it won’t matter.
Here’s hoping we are left to rest in our graves with the people we love, meaning we let go of the negative grudges and hate we have for people who have hurt us.
Here’s hoping that we are able to find the people who we care about and who care about us before we end up in a ditch together.

Borderline between life and death.

Hello internet friends.. and friends in real life who follow me on here.

Preface: I will try my best to be optimistic and inject some of my dry humour here and there in the following melancholic crisis.

It’s been a while since I’ve written a deep personal blog post. It makes me sad. Actually, a lot of things have been making me sad lately. I have a selection of a few close friends with whom I can always confide in… Yet, intrinsically… I’m falling apart. I have a lot of inner conflicts within myself. I think a lot of it has to do with the idea of what it is I want to do in life.

First things first, if you're new here, you wouldn't have read as far back as last year, or if you're a regular here, you may have read but forgotten, last year (2015) was the worst year of my entire existence. I had a shit year. It was horrible. I felt like I was pushed to hell, an endless pit with no lights can be seen on the end of the tunnel. It was a year that made me want to run and hide in a corner all day long and hibernate for the rest of eternity.

I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) last October. Once upon a time, after what happened to me in May last year, I thought I could talk myself out of PTSD. But every similar action causes a reaction. I was so unstable everywhere I go. I relive and it takes me days to stop panicking. Hospital visits to stop hyperventilating. I chose to not take medicine for several times that I've tried to kill myself so many times, but failed each time. I’ve never felt more distant with reality. I thought to myself, how can I be interested in humans when they are the ones that did this to me?

Trauma permanently changes us. I have learnt that this is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” There is no “back to the old me.” I am different now, full stop.

Last year, I have cried more tears than when I cried in sad scenes in korean/taiwanese dramas. Every fiber of my being collapsed. Each day passed, I drifted through life like a weary soul casting through the motions of living. My soul wandering off the corners of the world, with my fragile bowl of confidence chipping little by little, and little by little, I became a wreck.

Sometimes in life, you experience a series of very unfortunate events. Yes, last year at the end of May, everything went wrong. On top of the trauma comes my self-esteem issues, other things like family issues, fake friends (being bitches and gossipers) and studies; creeped up one by one, everything in my life became a muffled mess. Truth to be told, I was horrible at dealing with stressful situations (I'm better at it now though). Whenever something terrible happens, my internal organs go into meltdown, my mind goes into an emotional overdrive and I find myself sighing heavily and most often on the verge of tears. Only few knew what really happened to me, but this trauma I unfortunately had to experience, was more than stressful. I never knew I would end up being in a situation like it. I didn't know what to do. I felt like I had no one to turn to.

I was told by the elders and is a true believer that one cannot fully appreciate happiness without having felt a little sadness in their life. There have been so many times throughout last year when I experienced complete mental breakdown and giving up. There have been countless times when I just wanted it all to end – and yes, my thoughts have turned to the gloomy and dark sides. Death, being one of them.

But you know what? I’m still alive. It hurts, but I’m still alive. What’s life without a good fight right? We can either take the easy way out (death) or we can toughen the fudge up and come out the other end battered and bruised. Besides, I still have yet to try all amazing kinds of food out there before I give up all hope of a happier life.

Life is full of difficult decisions to be made. The question is, how do we ever know if we’ve made the right one? How do we know if our choices will propel us further to where we want to be or completely set us back right at the start? Truth be told, there’s no answer to the question.

Despite the fact that someone else’s life may seem like it’s perfect, you never really know how they’re feeling on the inside. My anxiety has taken control of my every being and it’s making it so difficult to just live life and be happy. I need to stop making excuses for myself and somehow just find the confidence within me. I think a lot of people (and I would assume many of my readers) feel similar to how I’m feeling. That feeling of not being good enough. That feeling of not deserving the good things that have come into your life. 

Well, Internet, that’s just how I’ve been feeling lately. I think I need some hugs.

喜欢上一個人, 卻不知道怎麼愛著一個人。 第六感劝我该放弃这个“想要谈恋爱”观念，因为他值得更好的的对象。我只不过是一个碎玻璃。现在就交给命运决定吧！真的不可以想那么多了！首先要搞定自己才能想其他, 对吧?

I often get emails from people who struggle with self-confidence. It’s heartbreaking to see how someone can put themselves down when they have so much potential. I see it in myself too. I used to have a lot of self-confidence but it was all gone. Now it's slowly coming back by me taking a little step by step each day. And let me tell you, high self-esteem and confidence doesn’t just happen overnight, it’s an ongoing journey and for some, it’s easier. For others, it’s like trying to get from point A to B while being jostled and pushed backwards by a relentless crowd of criticism, doubts and insecurities. Some people might even have just given up completely.
For me, after I lost my self-confidence, I’ve personally gotten so used to talking myself down that it’s just become second nature to me. I never give myself any praise. “I’m not good enough”, “She’s so much better than me”, “I suck”, “I should just give up”, “What's the point of my existence?” These were the thoughts that constantly cloud my mind. It’s poisonous.

So in a nutshell, I'm not sure (at all) where life will take me in terms of my "career", but for now I'm happy. I actually feel like I am taking the steps I need to get to where I want to be. With that being said, I wouldn't be anywhere without the support of my online family - that is YOU.
I wanted to say thankyou to everyone who has taken the time to write to me (either by private messaging me/emailing me/through tumblr and askfm) giving me wonderful words of encouragement; and try to make me feel better about myself.
Whenever I feel like I am not good enough, there always seems to be a little message for me in one of my social media pages telling me how much I have inspired them. I really sincerely appreciate it. I think the best thing that has come from me blogging, uploading videos and putting myself out there is being able to connect with others… I like being able to see a familiar name pop up in my comments or on my social media pages.

And honestly, I really want to tell you in a more personal way how much you guys mean to me. So I have these postcards that I’ve collected from my travels in Taiwan that I was going to keep for memories sake, but instead, I want to send them to you – whoever you are and wherever you are.
So if you guys will accept these postcards, I’d love to write you a personal message of thanks! Please send me your name and address to vymelon11@gmail.com and I’ll shower you with my lame words on a postcard.

Though I sometimes still feel like curling up into a ball and wailing in utter despair, I’ve learned to control my mind to focus on getting things done right now, because we are living in the present, not the past and slowly working for the future.. wherever that may be. It’s a lot more productive than allowing myself to succumb to depressing thoughts.

I think a lot of people are so caught up trying to put up the “perfect” image of themselves that they forget that it’s OK not to be perfect. We’re human. We feel things that sometimes are not ideal.

Anyways, it’s time for me to live another day?

Here’s to new chapters.
Velene xoxo

Someday....

I want to write an entire journal about my life. All the highlights, the ups and downs things that happened. Never writing specific details about who I am, or where I live or giving any allusions as to where I can be found.

Giving a little of myself away, I want to leave it in the middle of the sidewalk far away from where I am situated. And I want someone to find it and read it and enjoy it and be able to relate to it. I want the person who reads it to smile and cry and experience the emotions that I felt as I was writing it. Because I want someone out there to experience my life, my mind in my shoes by traveling besides my thoughts like cars on a freeway.

I’m afraid I’m not the type of person who can easily forget and let go because I don’t do things half-heartedly. There’s no gray area. I either bare all or I don’t at all.

And sometimes I cannot help but to wonder - Am I writing to remember, or to get rid of these memories? 

The stages of recovery

It is a vicious cycle I tell ya..

Stage 1: 

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Stage 2: 

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in this same place. But it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Stage 3: 

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I fall in… it’s a habit… but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Stage 4: 

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Stage 5:

 I walk down a different street. 

I really hate it when someone makes me second guess myself.

I don’t know whether it’s a good or bad thing.. I mean, it makes me think of the possible outcomes and it makes me be more cautious about my decisions. But I hate it. I hate how I can’t just go with the flow and see where life leads me itself.

We have all experienced something that makes us want to disappear.

Things that can ruin our moods and feelings. Things that make us feel worthless. Things that makes us go crazy and insane. Which leads to depression, which leads to suicidal thoughts. And if by any chance you are feeling as if you want to commit suicide, please don’t. Because I want you to clear out these thoughts. I want you to abolish yourself of this idea that you’re meaningless, that you are worthless. Clear your mind.

If you ever feel the need to commit suicide, I want you to know that: I want you to be content with yourself. I want you to learn how to love life. I want you to live everyday like it's the end of the world. I want you to love yourself. I want you to get everything you deserve. I want you to be happy and I want to see you smile. That gorgeous smile you have, I want you to use it. I want to hear you speak, I want to get your responses, I want to talk to you, and I want to help you. I want to hear you speak relentlessly. I want to know how your day went. I want to know everything that made it worthwhile. I want you to dump the idea that suicide is the only way out because it’s not. I want you to see that you are worth it, that you have a bright future ahead of you. I want you to see yourself because you’re darn amazing and you need to see that you’re meant for amazing things in life. I want you to write stories, to write down your feelings, to vent. I want you to spill out your thoughts, because I am here for you. I want you to let me know how you feel. I’ll listen, I promise because I genuinely care. I want you to succeed in life and be great. I want you to wake-up and realise the truth in everything I’m saying to you. I want you to have hope and believe. To believe that tomorrow will be a better day for you, and I want you to wake up tomorrow with a fresh new start. Take a deep breath and make it worthwhile. I want things to get better for you.

I just want to see you genuinely smile, I want you to survive, I want you to live.

When we fail, we might be tempted to think that we have wasted our time and thus regret it. But the fact that you have done something is much better than doing nothing.

Sometimes I don’t know what to think or do because I’m just so lost inside. Whenever you think your life is perfect there’s always going to be a obstacle in the way. Maybe it just a way to tell you that life is never perfect, all you can to do is learn to how to move on.

Start with yourself.

You have to be mentally, emotionally, and physically ready for a relationship before you can jump right in. Learn to be patient; don’t rush into something you’re not ready for. Adopt the right state of mind. Tell yourself “I need to be a better me before I can put effort into being a better us.” Things will only turn out wrong if you start something you aren’t prepared for..

Sometimes it is okay to remind yourself who you are when you get scared with insecurities. It’s okay to say, "hey, I’m amazing and kind and talented."
It’s okay to give yourself the confidence you need to face what you fear.
It’s good to know who you are and be able to stand on your own two feet in that.
Don’t let anyone else make you feel anything other than what you are.
You remind yourself.
Don’t forget who you are.
Keep being that person.
You are loved.

It just struck me one day, a question that has bothered me for quite some time now — If I died one day, unplanned and uncalled for, would I be able to survive in your memories?
If I have already disappeared off the face of the earth, taken a stairway to where the untouchable lights are, would you remember me as if I was still around?
If you were to wake up one random morning to unlock your phone, only to see that you have received no new messages from me today, because I couldn't call or text you anymore, would you wait impatiently staring at the clock as it tick tocks and repeats, for some type of contact from me, like I do for you?
If one day, I was no longer here to pick fights with you, play the silent treatment game, or fuss about all the little problems we have. Would you maybe, think about turning back the hands of time, only to rescue me from all those sleepless nights?
If I were to exit from your life completely, would you forget my existence or would you search around all the corners of the world, seeing hope in someone’s back view just because their hair looks similar to mine?
And that is my question.
Life is short, and full of unexpected surprises. Sometimes it doesn't have to be death for someone to realise what they had before they lose it all, it could just be a I’m done type of decision. Either way, I could only hope that I have made a big enough impact in your life, an impact strong enough to be missed by you even when I’m gone.

There is something very important about being open; to be able to share your heart with another human being, to pour out your honest thoughts - unsifted, unedited - is part of how we process and grow. Don’t keep it all to yourself. The good or the bad. It’s good to open up without fear or pressure about how you find the words to say it aloud. There is something deeply connecting about being heard in complete authenticity.

If you haven't seen from my snapchat updates, my voice has finally come back!!! It feels amazing to talk again after like what, 9 days of muteness since I came back from my holidays, life was hard I tell ya XD haha. Though I can talk now, I still have my cold to recover from, hopefully *fingers crossed* all will be well before weekend for work!

Today’s mental health reminder: a relapse, a sudden series of attacks, a string of awful days, (or whatever your step back may be) does not decrease your value.
Take your time, do some self care, reflect on the progress that you have made.
You are strong; one step back is nothing when you look at the journey you have already made.

I used to get so sad when I realised just how much everything has changed. The dynamic with all of my friendships have definitely shifted, and I used to wallow in self-pity that nothing’s ever going to go back to how it used to be and I couldn’t do anything about it.

… but I’ve realised now that, that’s just life. I can’t be angry that things are different because that’s how life happens. It’s immature and childish to play victim when all we’re trying to do is grow up.
I want so bad for everyone to succeed, and if I get to play a role in helping someone achieve their dreams by offering my friendship, then that makes me happy.
If someone I love needs to grow on their own to achieve their goals and forgets me on the way, then yea, I’ll be a little sad, but I’ll still be happy for them because in the end, they succeeded.

I’m the kind of friend that’ll always be there for you even if we haven’t spoken in months. If you come to me when you feel like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, I will listen and I will comfort you.

If you drop by just to say hi and ask how life’s going, I will reciprocate with just as much love and affection. Other than that, I will quietly appreciate and admire how differently everyone’s growing.

Within the past year, I’ve learned that, at this age especially, you cannot expect for everyone to stay in your life the same way they’ve been for the past couple of years. This is the age where we need to be selfish to figure ourselves out… what we want to do, where we want to be, and how we want to achieve it.
Whether or not everyone stays for the ride, I’m just gonna do me.

You might not be in control of what happens in your life, but you are in control of how you will react to the hardships that are thrown at you. If you’re not content with your life, change it, better it, keep it moving. Shit does happen, but it’s not an excuse to use every time something bad occurs. Only you have the ability to transform your life.