Lately I haven’t been feeling like myself. Something’s missing, and I can’t put my finger on it. I feel empty. 

“Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads - at least that’s where I imagine it - there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in awhile, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own private library.” - Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Late night thinkings..... about the unknown "future".

To be honest, I'm so worried about my future.

"It's normal.", you might say but I hate this feeling of hopelessness and fear.

I’m scared that I won’t succeed or accomplish my dreams. I totally wasn't on a smooth pathway in the past two years, there were so many bumpy roads, I got pushed to the edge/corner so many times, and I have always wonder (even till now!) "how the hell did I survive that and move on as if nothing happened?". But then again, to think thoroughly, eventhough I was so unlucky in mostly the 'academic' side, I was always surrounded with positive people like friends, strangers, and most importantly, my family. They were always there when I was down. They reminded me that this is just life. Maybe I have to suffer now, and there will a sweet ending to this? Life is really strange sometimes and complicated in some ways. And it is definitely true that life don't have all ups every time, it's a mixture of both. And I've experienced both so far and I still have a long way to go. And by this, it has always made me skeptical of how is it going to be a 'sweet ending' aka my future.

This might all have been an easier (not easy, easier) decision to make if when I was young, someone forced on me the idea of becoming a doctor or a dentist or a vet or a lawyer so that I would grow up thinking that it would be the ideal job for me. No questions asked.
But no, I grew up where I was able to choose. To do anything I wanted. To dream big.
Some might think this is an amazing situation to be put in, so then why am I complaining?
On a point of note though, not everyone (or maybe this is just me) wants the decision to be put in their hands. Some people like their choices to be made by someone else, someone with better sense, logic and experience.

I think I said this before in my previous getaway post/reflection that something's hinting me that this year is going to be different. Ya that has hit me. realistically.

People said it's gonna be worth it in the end. But at this stage, I feel so hopeless. regret. stupid. lost. depressed. empty.

Through it all I am so grateful to be blessed with supportive and helpful parents. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without them. These aren't just words, I have made it this far not by my own efforts, but by theirs.

Failure. Is. Not. An. Option. 

Uni's starting this coming Monday and I already am starting to stress about it. >.< So many things are happening at the moment and I just wish for the time being that I can escape this place call reality and just not feel.

I felt like I can't change anything now, like there's no other options/choices out there.

I feel so lost. Help. I am nothing but a broken soul.

I wish I could just get a peek of my future to know that I’ll at least be okay.

Stop expecting, stop waiting, stop hoping, stop trying, stop crying, just stop them... you need to stop cause then it will be the start of happiness, so please stop.... remember all you have is yourself and that’s all you need, nothing more.

Had orientation today.... twas great seeing those that I haven't been able to catchup with during these holidays.. :P

Got my timetable too!

Can't believe uni starts next week :'O holy cow.

yay or nay? :P

Sometimes God doesn't give you what you want, not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve more. 

Imagine a perfect world.

You can’t huh? Neither can I. Want to know why? Because perfection does not exist. We can lie to ourselves and shape society and shape its perspective to believe what beauty is, what perfection is. However what others think is perfect, you may not. A person’s perspective on a life, the world, and in you will be different than anyone else’s, why? Because each individual is unique, each pair of eyes are different, each aspect of you is different.

One small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day! :D 
So think positive, be positive and act positive! xo

It is rather amazing, how one person can mean the world to you. How sometimes, all it takes is that one person to make or break your day, to put a smile on your face and/or make you want to cry. How they have the ability to change your mood effortlessly, whether it be with their words or their unintended actions. What’s even more amazing is how one stranger can turn into a once familiar stranger, from someone whom you wish you met earlier, to someone whom you wish to never have met.

If you can't wake up from the nightmare.

Maybe you're not asleep.

Quote of da day! :)

"WORRY is worthless. It can't change the past. It can't control the future. It only wastes this moment." - Rick Warren

The Waiting Game.

Right now, you and someone aren't on the best terms. You wish you guys can talk but it isn't happening. So all you’re doing is visiting their social networks often to see if there’s anything new, you’re looking at old conversations from before, whenever you see that (1) in your inbox, you’re hoping it’s them but then you check it and it’s someone else and you’re disappointed. You wanna hit them up so bad, but you hold yourself back. So you wait..

WHY HELLO DERE.. ;)

FINALLY had a catchup with Viv today! :)

Check out: HERE for more deets if youse interested!

I thought I should casually insert a mini confession here without being too vague? It was brought up today by Viv and it's actually a really interesting theory/question asked...

"Through endless attempts, it really does end up with a conclusion that you can't be forgotten. So I've made up my mind that you'll still remain in my heart, but the weight has changed. And forgetting someone doesn't mean to never think of him, but thinking of him with a calm heart. 
忘记一个人，并非不再想起，而是偶尔想起，心中却不再有波澜。"

On forgetting someone.. It’s pretty easy to believe that you’re fine for a while. Time passes and you heal and you start remembering what it’s like to not have to live with the guilt, the pressure and all the rest of the shit and you’re actually free. Then normal life steps in like a bitch and reminds you how great that person was and how comfortable that relationship had become and it feels like your life is falling apart. It’s like they died because of how abruptly their absence hits you. It sucks that you had been such a big part of my life for so long and I’m not going to sit here and pretend like everything about that relationship suck-ed, because the truth is, it was great when you wanted it to be.

A tip for youse all: Forgetting someone can’t be done when they've added a huge impact to your life. Never say forgive and forget, because it’s not as easy as it sounds. Forgetting someone takes a lot of phases. And come to think of it, I’m not even in the first phase yet.  It takes WILL and DETERMINATION. It works like any other thing in the world. If you’re determined to do it, you’d push through… but I've come to thinking and thought.... what if the reason why you can’t forget him/her is because deep inside you don’t really want to? Well that’s messed up. I’m fucking confused now. I guess the scariest thing about distance is that you don't know whether they'll miss you or forget you.

I can’t deny that I still love you and want you... but I’ll lie if I have to.

Love,
Velene xoxo

I’m jealous of people who have cute laughs and fast metabolisms and nice teeth and good hair and can just make any outfit look good and are great at sports and do well academically because none of that is me.

Growing up.... too soon?

We've all thought about wanting to grow up when we were small. We all wanted to grow up immediately because living the life of an adult sounded awesome. Now that I actually am reaching quite soon to the age of twenty (FML), it’s quite scary. All the carefree-ness of a kid/teen is practically moving its way to the past. Now it’s the real deal. And yet I feel like, I've regretted not living my life to the fullest as a kid/teen who just wants to have fun. It’s true what they say - cherish every moment as a kid/teen. You’d be surprised how much you want to run back to it.

I can’t go for guys who are well-known. Like if they’re extremely hot and has a bunch of girls after them already, then they’re not my type. I’d be too busy with worrying about when a better girl will show up to steal him away than to actually worry about our relationship. I wouldn't consider myself an over the top jealous person, but still, jealousy does get to me. 

Which one do you choose?

The person you love unconditionally,
but they may never feel the same.

OR

The person who unconditionally loves you,
but you may never feel the same.

---------------------------

And I'm here thinking, how about just “that one person”? That’s what I want.

“People need to be encouraged. People need to be reminded of how wonderful they are. People need to be believed in - told that they are brave and smart and capable of accomplishing all the dreams they dream and more. Remind each other of this.” - Stacey Jean Speer 

“There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.” - Chuck Klosterman

“Let me put it this way, if Paris and New York were men, Paris would be more like the romantic guy that opens the door for you before you get into a car, you know, that guy who is so charming and perfect in every way, the safe bet, he almost seems too perfect… 
New York however, would be the guy that just comes and sweeps you off your feet, that guy who takes your breath away, literally…The one you meet and almost instantly fall in love with, the one who is very difficult to trust but even more difficult to forget, that is New York, so let me ask you something, who would you take, Paris or New York?” - Andy Torres

Happy Valentine Day people!

In my opinion, Valentine's Day is really just about spoiling your loved one. It's not that big of a deal; because it should be everyday that you tell how much you love someone or surprise them with lil gifts. But then again, it is somewhat a special day as it is the only day of the year that represents LOVE. (eventhough it should be everyday) 
So happpy valentines to all you couples out there; hope you guys have a great day with each other. And to all the people that's single too; who said we needed a guy/girl to make us happy on valentines? ;)

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't been posting in the last few days, I just didn't have that mood to write, thus I kept myself busy by learning le ukulele (so far so good), hanging out with friends, being more active etc etc.

I realised I left my blog on a sad note due to my last post, an update here that I'm actually going good so far, viewing every aspect of my life in a positive way and just is grateful that I'm still here on earth to leave a legacy, I have a goal to achieve and I cannot be anymore pathetic-er.
To those who messaged me, giving me comfort words and advice, and just being there, thankY'ALL so much :) And for those anons who left hate comments, I really don’t give a shit about what you guys think, all I know is that you guys need attention. Didn't make any impact on me whatsoever, so sucks to be youse if you’re the ones who think up all the smarty hate comments for me to read. And for those haters who kik/tumblr me (you know who you are), seriously, what the hell? I dare you. Try harder.

HATERS GONNA HATE. POTATOES GONNA POTATE. AND IDGAF.

It's really funny that I give people advice and tips on love/life/etc. But when it comes to giving advice and self-supporting myself, I don't take in what I would usually say if someone else was in my situation. I'm such a hypocrite LMAO.

Anyways. Just then, I was putting on fake lashes... Just for fun, y’know?
*For your info, I don't do makeup as most people know or not know lol (well now you do haha), you can say I'm somewhat a failure at makeup haha...... -.-*
So, I got a sample of them and I wanted to see what was so cool about them and why they’re so popular, hah. I was irritated the whole entire time trying to put those suckers on. LOL. I don’t see how girls can put these on everyday. It’s a pain in the ass… At least I tried haha XD

Love,
Velene xoxo

I am nothing but a broken soul.

I miss him. I really miss him. I thought I would be over him by now, but I can’t keep my mind off of him. Somehow he has my every thought. I love him, and probably will always.
I hurt him by lying to him. I feel so shit. But why oh why, through endless attempts, can't I force myself to believe that lie?
I thought I knew what love was, but once I lost him, I experienced something so different. I felt my heart break for the very first time of my life. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much. Why am I feeling this way? This is just the process/karma, right? Right?
I thought I can just forget him.. forget what we used to have, just simply forget everything about him.
But here I am, failing to move on because my thoughts of him are still continuously running around in my head telling me that he's no longer mine and we’re no longer us.

I just wish for the time being that I can escape this place call reality and just not feel.

“I like people too much or not at all.”

Alohaaaaa! If u have or haven't seen on what I posted my instagram earlier on, I got an ukulele! Yaaaaaaaaaaays! Time to jam some chords haha xD I'm sure learning this ukulele is gonna take me a while lol :P Self teaching ftw haha!~ Definitely will keep me busy :'D Busy is what I need to be in these remaining holidays. If you have any suggestion/s, feel free to drop them down below! :)
Just saying, this quote in chinese, "有些路, 选择了就没的回头..." really did strike me, cos it is so true in a way and is really relevant to me now.

Oh and also, my brah showed me this video, "move lah" on youtube and legitly, it's SO funny. I immediately cracked laughing at like the first 10 seconds of it. The chorus is even funnier, especially the hand gestures ROFL. Yes, he totally understand I need my double dose of laughter these days XP
Check it out below!

Ta for now!

Love,
Velene xoxo

I've drifted away from so many people who used to be important to me. Surprising thing is I don’t care. I guess by now, I’m done with trying to maintain a one way friendships with people because real friends don’t have to see or talk to each other everyday, there’s just an invisible string that ties them together and I’m fine with having that one of a kind connection with just one person rather than have a bunch of so called “friends” that will be forgotten about within time.

The hardest breakup isn't...

... when you dump someone because you don't want to be with them anymore, it is when you let them go eventhough you still love them and the only reason you're breaking up with them is because its plainly the right thing to do.. EVENTHOUGH you know that you won't be able to tell that person how much you love them ever again.
It sucks to be in this type of situation..
It sucks even more knowing I'm one of those people who are in the situation right now.

Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved. 

On daily basis I feel like I have no friends that are there. (well except my lovely YOP) 
Perhaps you may call them acquaintances but I feel as if I am fading and drifting away from those whom were once so close. But in the end, maybe, that is why I like to roam around alone. I feel so at ease with various of possibilities coming my way. 
I am bliss in solitude. 
Wondering down the street, passing by so many opportunities without a purpose and without company. I mean any stranger can walk on by and become that new person by my side. Maybe that is why my heart flows at a much easy pace when it comes to strangers. Perhaps that is why I fathom them more than anyone I may know. Since everyone I know has disappointed me, I know a stranger can behold a lot more secrecy and trust.

Confession: Long Distance Relationship aka LDR.

Sup everyone! There were some messages about ldr (like what do I think of it and some scenarios), I think I might as well do a post here, rather than answering similar answers over and over again to different people, ya I'm a lazybum like that heh.

Before I continue, I must say: What I'm gonna say next (pretty much all the posts I do), it’s just my opinion :) I'm not expert on this either. As I said numerous times, I’m just simply expressing my intake of what I think, so I don't want you to go and think "omg, (I'm) so right. I'm so going to listen. And blame (me) if things go wrong." Please don't.

Let's move on, shall we?

Contrary to what people say, distance is not for the fearful, it’s for the bold. It’s for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It’s for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don’t see it nearly enough.

I believe in long distance. I really do.

I believe that long distance relationships are the one’s worth fighting for if you genuinely like this individual. It’s also the toughest ones to go through. Who could have ever known that someone so far away can have such a huge impact on you. Some have met. Some have never met. Some started to develop feelings. Some fell in love. Some disappeared. What really interests me is how one fell in love, not because of their appearance or what their social status was, but through the endless conversations, talks, moments, the emotions etc etc. It amazes me how what the norm perceives expect to be impossible, can be possible. Because it can happen and it does.

However, it really does depends on what kind of a person you are, I guess. Because, in general, I'm that type of person who likes to talk everyday and see each other at least once a week or more, I'm a very touchy-feeling person (by that I mean I like to be able to hug, kiss, hold hands, etc). And I can't do that in a long distance relationship. And I guess that's why it didn't work out for me. Because I thought I could handle it at the start but then after a period of time, I just couldn't stand it. It wasn't even because of him either, it was just, too hard. All I could say, is that, things got accumulated and doubts finally kill it. And ya, I admit defeat.
So I guess by that, it's probably be even better for me, if I just skip a level down, and do a short distance relationship. LDR is definitely not for me. But it can be for you :) And I know some of you are in one now, good luck! And for those who are thinking to get a ld bf/gf, go for it, take a chance, take a leap, you never know what's gonna happen next!

Hopefully I answered decently XP

Catcha tomorrow people! :)

Love,
Velene xoxo

“Don’t lower your expectations to meet your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations. Expect the best of yourself, and then do what is necessary to make it a reality.” - Ralph Marston

Confession of the day: You’re right.

I’m not the nice girl everyone thinks I am. I push people away. I push people that I care about and love so much away. Why? I want to know why also. I want to know why I always do that. Is it the fact that there was finally someone who cared about me and loved me? I’m always searching for answers as well. I guess I just wasn’t used to it. I wasn’t used to the fact that I was ready to put my guard down again. 
I push people away, I hurt them, and then I lose them.
I’m sorry.

“You shouldn’t be walking alone at this time of night”

No.
Actually.
People shouldn't effing attack other people at any time of day.

Confession of the day: Honestly, sometimes I wish I had the mentality of a bitch.

I consider people’s feelings before saying something to them. I can’t argue with someone unless I feel the desperate urge to. Other than that I leave it where it's at. I’m the type of person who doesn't budge to do or say something to someone unless I need to. I feel there’s no need for hatred and commotion if it's unnecessary. I wish I had the bitch mentality to be a complete bitch and hurt someone because they somewhat deserve it. But I honestly don’t have the heart to. Ugh. -_____-

Special request to all you kids returning to school in the next few days: If you see someone who is struggling to make friends or being bullied because he/she doesn't have many friends or because they are shy or not as pretty - PLEASE step up. Say hi or at least smile at them in the hallway. You never know what that person might be facing outside of school. Your kindness might just make a BIG difference in someone’s life.

1st of Februaaaaaaary :)

Have you ever felt like you like someone, but you’re starting to get attached? And because you’re attached, you are being clingy. And because you are being clingy, you think you are being annoying cause you want to talk to them so much. And because you think you’re being annoying, you feel like you’re bothering them every time you talk to them. But really, you just enjoy talking to them. But you’re afraid they’re getting bored and sick of hearing from you.