Do you ever feel like there’s something that’s mentally bothering you, but you just can’t put your finger on it? And even when you’re trying to ignore it, it’s demanding to be felt.

I'm at that point.

.. where I’m just done with all of the obstacles and curve-balls life has to throw at you just to make your life that much more difficult. I’m done trying to put up a smile everyday and struggle my way through everything. I just want to be at that place, the highest point in my life where all my emotions turn into joy because everything is going right for once.
Can i just please please please get there already life?

Maturity.

I’ve been though a lot of shit, did some fcked up things and said things I probably shouldn’t have said but you can’t learn from your mistakes without experimentation. There’s no such thing as a “perfect” human being but you can always strive for it. I’ve learned to have more of an open mind and never to judge. I've learned to handle things face to face, listen to the other sides' opinion before jumping to conclusions. Even if you think you’ve been through the most, there’s still a lot more to learn through age.. and I’m ready for that.

Today I was asked if I had a boyfriend, and then asked if I wanted one. I found myself answering: "no, and not really".
I don’t know anyone who I want to have that kind of relationship with right now. And I am pretty happy being single. Even… calm and at peace.
I’d really just like some good friends right now; to hang out, laugh, and share life with as it comes. I may meet a man who changes that somewhere down the road, but I don’t know. I feel content without having a boyfriend with no feeling of needing one. It’s not something you “get”. It’s someone you keep going with after you realize who they are and how they change your life being in it. You kinda just keep making the decision to walk on together and grow. I like that a lot more than being out to find something because you feel it is missing. It’s less what it fills in your life and more what he adds, in a way.

One of the most important things I’ve learnt from my experience in life is that I shouldn’t limit myself from doing stuff I want to do just because I’ll be alone in doing it. Whether it be a lifestyle change, doing something or going somewhere it's good to know that I’ll be fine solo instead of needing someone to be there too.

I think the weirdest thing is having left over information about someone. Like I still know someone’s favourite girl's name. Or their favorite season. Or someone’s address. I remember someone’s favourite icecream flavors. And someone’s favourite childhood book. And the mental disorder their cousin has. I remember the ages and birthdays of their siblings. I remember the song they said they’d sing to their spouse. Where do I put this down? Where do I learn to forget?

Currently at a critical point in my life where I’ve got too many important things on my plate for me to worry and stress out over petty problems. I keep telling myself that I do not need to be wasting so much of my time and energy on stuff that won’t even matter in a year or two. It’s time I prioritise better and divert my attention to what actually matters.

I really hate my tendency of brushing my problems away and then trying to forget that anything ever happened. It’s all good at first because I’ll actually forget why I was ever upset and I’ll go back to being normal, but then eventually the problem somehow always resurfaces and I find myself even more upset than I was to begin with. This just causes me to be sad and mad about the same things over and over and over again because my problems always have an open end, and I don’t know why the hell I continue to put myself through this and put all this unwanted stress on me. I know everything could be solved for the most part if I just learned to deal with it all head on, but god I hate confrontations. I just don’t wanna deal with it.

I really wish I could just erase all the problems in my life away and never have to remember nor think about them again, but ugh that’s life for ya I guess -.-

I forgot how great it was to get lost in music. I used to depend on music to get me through hard times, but it’s been awhile since I’ve felt the need for that.

Things have been pretty rough lately, but now that I’m blasting music through my headphones again, I feel like I can get through anything and that everything will be a-okay.

I love it.

Being the introvert that I am, most of the time I don’t care about feeling lonely, but then there are some times when the loneliness actually gets to me.

Different types of drunks

1. Party Drunk:

• will talk to anyone and everyone
• only does shots
• has to literally be dragged home at the end of the night because they refuse to acknowledge that the party has ended and they are the only persion still there

2. Blissful Drunk

• does nothing but laugh
• just happy to be included
• too good for this world
• loves you so much eventhough they just met you few minutes ago

3. Emotional Drunk

• not great at parties
• it's either crying tears of sorrow because there's no chips left or crying tears of gratitude because someone showed them where the bathroom is
• brings out everyone's inner mother

4. Parent Drunk

• keep everyone's shit together
• everyone thinks they're sober but they have actually had 5 shots in a hour
• knows when you need to go home and will make sure you get there
• holds back your hair when you are vomiting at 3 am

5. Slutty Drunk

• never gets cold
• makeup never smudges
• never has to buy their own drinks
• you think they are sloppy and have no idea what they are doing but every move is calculated and intentional

6. Sloppy Drunk

• wasted by 9pm
• needs to be taken home early
• will drink anything you give them as long as there is alcohol in it
• a MESS
• never learns from their mistakes

You think that you’re never going to get over your last heartbreak and that the tears will never cease, but then.. slowly but surely, when you least expect it.. comes a day when you find somebody who makes you feel happy again - and not that pretend type of happy that turns into sadness when nobody’s around - but truly and genuinely happy. Someone who makes you question why you were ever sad in the first place. All of a sudden, you find yourself looking forward to the future rather than crying over the past, and you’re finally able to sleep well at night again.

So for anyone currently battling depression and heartbreak, chin up and don’t lose hope because I promise that there’s so much more in store for you :‘3 

A lot of the time it’s really not that deep. Like there’s not some deep meaningful reason for everything. Most of the time when people don’t act like they give a shit about you they really actually genuinely don’t.

There’s no reason to feel ashamed about caring for somebody more than they care for you. There’s nothing shameful about having a big heart. Especially since one day you’ll meet somebody whose heart matches your own.

I really miss having people around me who care but I’m not worth it.

When someone breaks our heart, we so desperately want them to know how much they hurt us, thinking it will change something. But it doesn’t. They can respond empathetically, feel guilt, and hopefully learn how to avoid hurting someone so badly in the future, but your hurt isn’t going to change the situation and likely won’t make them feel anywhere near as bad as you do. Even if they did something horrible, they’re telling themselves whatever they can so they can feel better too, we are all always in survival mode - “They’re hurting now, but it’s what is best for them in the long run,” “It was unavoidable.” Whether their internal dialogue is true or not, we are experts at convincing ourselves that our actions are justified. Your pain is yours to work through, no person can be both the cause and solution of your hurt. Don’t be afraid of expressing it because it’s real and can be so overwhelming, but you don’t need to “prove” your pain, hoping for some sort of response. If anything, it will push them away further, and delay your moving forward. Ultimately, you don’t want to be with someone only because they don’t want you to be sad, or because they feel sorry for you. You shouldn’t guilt someone into loving you, and them pulling a lesson from the situation is their task. You work on your own.

“Move on quietly, love yourself loudly.”

Is it strange that I’m just waiting for the real sadness to hit? I don’t feel abnormally sad like how I expected to react to this situation, and that actually scares me a lot because I feel like it’ll hit me like a cannonball later, all at once.

Or there’s that other option that my past experiences have made me stronger and prepared me to handle this really well.

I’d like to think it’s the latter.

I have learned to accept why things happened as they did and have buried the past where it belongs. For once, I’m not crying over the past but instead contemplating my future, and not only am I thinking about it, but I’m actually getting really excited for whatever may be in store for me.

It may be too soon to tell, but if this is as worse as it gets then I am super freaking proud of myself.

I'm that person that everyone replaces after a while // R E L A P S E

Now I don't want you to carry me towards the light..... Because now I know just like everyone else... You too will never be mine.

It's taking everything in me not to kill myself.... I'm tired. Really am.

“Just smile and say you're fine, cause nobody really cares anyway.”

She paints her nails black to represent her soul and she locks herself in her room every night in hopes someone would check on her.

The truth is quite simple, no one is going to come knock on your door when 3am strikes and your sleeves are stained red.

The truth is those black nails are a failed attempt to represent something that isn’t even there.

There is something so unbelievably refreshing about meeting individuals who are on the same life frequency as you. Everything feels effortless and natural. You just vibe, it’s fucking amazing.

What if you wake up one morning and you’re in bed with the love of your life and they have their arm around you and they're snoring like a fcking ass hole, but you can’t help but to smile and you hear a baby crying and it finally hits you, you’ve made it.
You beat the demons inside you, the voices, the darkness.
I look forward to that, to knowing I made it.

There will come a time in your life when you will become infatuated with a single soul. For this person, you’d do anything and not think twice about it, but when asked why, you have no answer. You’ll try your whole life to understand how a single person can affect you as much as they do, but you’ll never find out. And no matter how badly you hate it or how badly it hurts, you’ll love this person without regret for the rest of your life.

I am so good at finding the worst in myself that I can’t even remember the last time I’ve ever said anything nice about myself. So if there’s anything I’d like to take the time to applaud myself for right now, it would be not letting my emotions overcome me and acquiring the discipline to not lash out and act solely upon my feelings when certain times call for it. Yeah, we’ve all been tempted to cry, yell, scream, put people on blast, or hell, even fight somebody in attempt to “put them in their place,” but after being put in so many rough situations last year, I’ve learned to think more rationally and realise that not every situation calls for a reaction. Sometimes you just gotta let people do what they do, think what they think, say what they say, and all that’s left to do on your part is shut your mouth and learn to hold your peace. Life goes on, and it is definitely way too short to let sadness or hatred consume you, so why waste time or feelings on things/people that don’t do anything but bring you down? Because if you do react, you only give satisfaction to the other party whilst hurting yourself in the end. This will be a constant reminder to myself.

I often wonder... how different my life would be if that one thing never happened....

One of the most amazing bonds you can have with someone is when you’re so close with them all you have to do is sit in a room with them and being satisfied by their presence is enough for both of you, you don’t have to do anything to impress them and neither do they, you just know you’re both happy to see each other.

My special talents include: jumping to the worst conclusion possible and worrying about that thing for hours.

For all the young girls out there :)

I think you just know when it’s just not right. As much as you hate to admit it because you just want for once a guy to actually like you and give you a chance, you know it just will not happen. And I think what the worst part of it is that you are left torturing yourself and wondering whether you’re gonna be single for the rest of your life. Seeing couples around wherever you go, it’s cruel. You question, “why can’t that happen for me?” And you sigh and wish they’d shut up when your friends start talking about their amazing love life. But the truth of it all is that you’re just jealous and desperate to be loved as much as you are willing to love him. You know it’s not good to be jealous, but you can’t help it. You’re only human and with your past, you are bound to feel that way. But the one and only thing you have to hold on to is that one day it will happen. It may not be today but someday. And you keep replaying this in your mind, reassuring yourself that things will be okay. You just feel like you’re on a roller coaster going round and round in a circle. Thoughts and emotions rushing round and you feel the lowest you’ve ever felt. But somehow, somewhere deep inside your heart, you have the strength to carry on, and hold tight to that hope of one day being truly happy and being with someone who makes you genuinely happy and who loves you exactly how you wanted to be loved all along.

When you’re young, everything seems to change so fast. One day you’re in love the next day you’re out. One small mistake can ruin a friendship forever. Money can change a person. How no one values virginity or purity of something anymore, and now they’re quick to lose it.

I realise now that love is hard to find, well rather it’s hard to keep. Since things are constantly changing, so are feelings. I realised who you’re dating now, or think could be the one, is possibly not the one. I just feel like “what was I thinking” I’m way too young to know someone is the one. How would I know someone is “the one” when I can’t even think of what I want to be. How could I be worrying about love when my life isn’t even where I want it to be.

I wish I was the person I used to be. I feel lost, like I lost myself chasing after something that was supposed to come naturally. I wish I was strong and careless like I used to be. Happy with myself. Now I’m just lost and unhappy. I wish I could be happy again.The happy that comes naturally.

Love how distant I’ve become to social media (compared to how I used to be, at least.) I remember back then I’d have the urge to post about unnecessary moments in my life such as petty little problems or just things that not everyone needed to know, as well as feeling the need to know what was going on in other people’s lives… but I don’t get that urge any more.

Seems to be some weird correlation with the amount of time spent on social networking and how happy I am with life. And as of currently, life is super good :) Love life’s good, family’s good, friends are good, work’s good, and for once, I feel like I’m living life for myself and not with the intention of having something to prove to others.

It would be great if I could migrate from social media completely, but that day probably won’t come for awhile.

To be civil with someone you don’t like is one thing, but to pretend to like them and be buddy buddy with them when you’re talking sh*t behind their back just doesn’t make any sense to me………..

Like why go through all that trouble??

The older I get the more I realise

• Friendship is not something that is common. Genuine friendship is rare.
• Everybody wants something and never ask themselves what they bring to the table
• The energy you give the world is the energy you receive
• Time alone is not a bad thing
• Love is a gift and is not something you can demand or force
• Being comfortable should be your main priority.

Some days are harder for me than others but I’m trying. Some days I can find the happiness, some days I feel like I’m forcing it. I can’t tell anymore. Some days I tell myself I’ll be ok. Some days I tell myself what a horrible person I am. Some days I cry and some days I can’t. There are too many days but I’m trying. I’m trying my best but some days it’s not enough.

Have you ever not liked someone in a romantic way and everything is cool and all then they do something small like touch your shoulder or say something funny and you just kind of freeze and think....

oh

oh no.

Have you ever wondered if everyone is going through the same thing as you? Or if they’ve already been through it or maybe they haven’t yet but they will soon. Because the truth is, we’ve all been in that place. We may call it different names, we may think we’re the only ones but we’re not. But I just hope for the next person who’s going through it, has someone there to help them along the way, because I don’t think I’d want someone else to go through the things like me and other people have been through. Sometimes some people deserve better, and the people who hurt them deserve what’s coming. 

People say a lot can change in a year… And holy crap it's true. It really has. Everything has changed in my life. When I say everything… it means everything. I didn’t realise it until someone asked me what was new in my life and it finally hit me. Since then, my feels have been strong and what sucks is that I don’t even have anyone to vent to it about… anymore. I can’t say that I miss how everything was… but there is a lot that I miss.

But what's crazy is that… although everything is different now, things are so so good. Not gonna go into much detail because I don’t want to jinx it.

Crazy how things work out.

Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes. Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.

I don’t think people realise how much depression shapes who you become.
You might get through it.
It might get better, but you’ll never be the person
you were before it happened.

It will get better, I don't know who I'll be when it does.

As I get older the more I appreciate straight forward people. Like if you’re mad at me I will respect you if you tell me. I don’t understand adults that would rather stomp their feet and use passive aggressive behavior to communicate. Life does not have to be this difficult fam.

Sunday reminder that you can get through whatever life throws at you this week. You’re stronger than you think and you’re capable of so much.

It’s happening again, I feel like I’m losing myself, losing this battle I’ve worked hard on to gain my strength back but I’m back to no motivation and I’m pushing my loved ones away.

It’s really important to listen and get to know people. We’re so quick to judge. But everyone has a story, it may not be how you’d assume, and there’s something deeper beyond the surface of what you see from the outside.

Take the time not to simply find out information, but use curiosity to be caring.

I’m the person who’s 100% down for spontaneous adventures but also 100% down to lay in bed all day.. I’m on both ends of the spectrum.

No offence but I literally can’t quit caring about someone so if I no longer give a shit, you really messed up.

If you wanna make a change to your lifestyle, make sure you’re changing for the benefit of yourself and not simply to meet the expectations of others in order to please them.

Appreciate more, complain less.

“Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.” - Marianne Williamson

Don't you agree that we humans tend to complain a lot more than being grateful?
We complain about the hot weather, we complain about the rainy nights; we complain about the bumpy road; we complain how our lives suck; we complain about this and that.
We grumble, we hate, we rant, we moan, we whine.
In the end we feel extremely miserable and think that life isn't treating us good enough.

As you waste your breath complaining about life, someone out there is breathing their last.

So why not appreciate what you have, be thankful and stop complaining.

Learn how to give compliments and how to express your gratitude - hey, appreciation won't cost you any penny!

Appreciate more, complain less. 

You can’t become who you want to be by remaining who you are. This means leaving your comfort zone and facing your fears or breaking old habits. People complain all the time about how unhappy they are with their job, school, and life but never do anything about it. The reason why people become stagnant is because they never do anything different. You have to be willing to do something different to get a different result.

8 things I learned by the age of 18:

1. Everything takes time. Whether it’s getting over someone, making a change or finishing something, it takes time. And that’s okay. We’re always in a hurry and we forget to appreciate or even just accept the process.

2. Other people are not the answer. You may think others can heal you or make you feel better, which they might. However, in the end it’s up to you. Learn how to love yourself instead of waiting for someone else to do it.

3. Grow. Never stop working on yourself, on things you’re passionate about, or on your future. Grow into the person you want to become - even if you’re not sure who that is.

4. The more that you wait, the more time that you waste. Don’t keep telling yourself “you’ll do it tomorrow”. Now is now and who knows what happens tomorrow.

5. Often, people are temporary. Accept it. It hurts, it’s unfair, but sometimes friendships end or people leave. Treasure every moment you have with someone rather than being afraid it could end.

6. Some days will suck and it’s okay. Find peace in the days you’re feeling sad, find peace in being bored. Without having bad days, good days wouldn’t be as good.

7. Don’t let anyone determine who you are. Only you decide which way you’re going, only you decide what you wear and only you decide what you want to be like. Don’t let anyone take that right away from you.

8. Change is inevitable. No matter if it’s positive or negative, change is one of the few things you can always rely on. Don’t fear it, but feel reassured - you won’t live the same life all along.

I’m not really afraid of commitment. I’m honestly afraid to have something I could possibly lose.

I don’t understand how people say mean things so easily lol like someone could have spent years learning to love themselves and you say something and take them back to square one with just a few words.

I’m antisocial, yet social. I don’t talk to people first, but when someone talks to me first I’m up for talking to them. Some days I’ll be really talkative and friendly and other days I’m just in my shell like nah today ain’t the day for socialising.

Announcement peeps!

Taking a break from social media (mainly my facebook page, youtube channel and instagram) for awhile. I have a lot of things to handle on my plate now, especially with work. I want to spend my time investing in what is important to me, working on what I need to do, and being intentional in building friendships in my life with the right people. I lack that, so I’m doing all I can to work toward that. Life is better shared together than if we experience it secondhand from a screen. We need authentic interaction and to be present in each other’s lives. It takes effort. I’m worth it. You’re worth that. Don’t settle for less than the authentic. Find those you can share life with, and truly live it.

“Everyone sees what you appear to be, few experience what you really are.” - Niccolo Machiavelli 

I am attracted to laughter.

If someone smiles often, thinks positively, and can enjoy the small things in life; I am naturally enticed with who they are. I admire someone who can put their cynical and pessimistic thoughts aside and bear through with a sense of humour.
To me, that is everything. I think I’d fall in love with a compassionate person who can laugh through their own tears.

Happy May everyone!

I really do like how I came on here everyday last month (April) to just write a post, an extract on how I feel that day and what I wanted to share. Got tonnes of positive feedback and I liked doing that, hence I will continue the challenge this month :)

I wish I had a window seat with lots of pillows that i could sit in and drink tea and read books in and watch the rain in.