Wow people! Can't believed today is the last day of April! This month's challenge = successfully completed :) YAYS. Here's a final piece of writing to wrap this month up:

I noticed that a lot of queer kids feel like they have to tell their friends and family that they're queer. Even if they'll be rejected. I want to remind you all that nobody is entitled to knowing your romantic, sexual or gender orientations. Nobody. You have no moral obligation to share that information if you are not comfortable with doing so.

You are not “lying” by not telling people or “hiding” because it's honestly no one's business but your own.

You come out on your own terms when you feel safe and comfortable doing so!!
Or you can come out to a few trusted people if you want before telling a larger group!

Don't feel like you owe that information to anyone ok??

Say no to nostalgia, it will ruin your life and fuck up your limbs so you are immobile forever. You don’t have to remember everything, in fact I strongly suggest you don’t remember everything.

I want to be unafraid. 
I want to be full of light and love and kindness. 
I want to go on adventures and rejoice in the beauty of living.

"Maybe I'm just hard to love."

For all the people who are in a relationship :)

Being in a relationship should send shocks through your body. It should be healthy, nourishing, mutually beneficial. It should set a fire in your soul, make you want to do better, make you want to see the other person succeed no matter the cost. Being in a relationship shouldn’t be draining, shouldn’t make you feel any less of yourself or of your worth. Being in a relationship should be a constant positive, even through your struggles. You shouldn’t have to fight for attention, you shouldn’t have to go out of your way to make your significant other care. A toxic relationship can easily be confused for a healthy relationship, so constantly remind yourself of your worth and stick to it.

And at the end of the day that’s all we were.

I was just a person and he was just a person.

We were just two people who among all the strangers took comfort in the fact that someone might know us better than we knew ourselves.

Forgiveness does not always mean friendship.

Sometimes you have to forgive someone without them admitting what they did wrong, because communicating what they did wrong only results in them hurting you worse by them being defensive, prideful, self-focused, self-righteous and fake. They tend to find a way to make it your fault and point attention to you when you try to talk to them about their actions. They often will make it seem like they have been attacked by you and try to tell you something they think you are doing wrong instead of listening to the fact they have hurt you and showing remorse for that, no matter what it is. They focus on clearing up that they may have been wrong. That kind of response makes it so hard to try to share what even hurt your feelings.
In the end, they won’t know because telling them always generates a response where they make everything about themselves. You can’t make them see the problem in their response and you can’t make them genuinely care about you. They may pretend or say they "care about you" just to seem like they tried to do the right thing or "be nice"; but in the end, all that matters is that they aren’t wrong. That kind of heart has the wrong priority and it’s very hard to get through to.
You can try, but if you are like me, it’s not worth the extra, repeated drama. It’s frustrating when they don’t get it on their own what they are doing and wouldn’t if you told them, but YOU have to realise you can’t make them and stop putting yourself through that.

Forgive it all.

But realise, also, it does not mean friendship.
That is not a workable relationship.
You don’t have to go through that any more times.
You can set them free, and yourself free.

Forgiving doesn’t mean that the person who hurt you has to still be in your life. Sometimes the person you forgive won’t know what they have done because you were unable to communicate it - not because there wasn’t opportunity but because the way they choose to respond is focused on them being right and it’s impossible to get through their defensiveness.
There is a point that any conflict always creates more conflict, so nothing gets resolved because the heart of what caused hurt remains unchanged. You can’t change a person’s heart or make them see, so it becomes unsolvable and the relationship is broken. That is sad, but for the better if you let go if the other person is insincere and you’ll be better off releasing everything and moving forward and away from it. Be free. Set yourself free from the negativity.

It’s not always your responsibility to make someone see where they have been wrong. You are loved. Remove yourself from the hurtful relationship and move on remembering how many other people are genuine, sincere, loving, humble, who will listen and be soft toward you because they dearly love you. Don’t waste your efforts on people you cannot change. Until their heart changes, their actions and mindset won’t and you’ll just remain in the same situation. Do the most loving thing you can and be free. You deserve to be safe and in good care.
You can move on.
Honestly, you are not the one losing anything.
They are.

PS. I haven’t opened up and written in awhile. I am glad I did.

I wish I had the confidence that some people have. We laugh at those who boost themselves and think they’re hot shit, but I’d pick feeling like that over feeling ugly about myself all the time.

Today I forgive myself. Not just once. Again. And again, and again. As many times as it takes to find peace.

I don't think anyone really understands how much compliments actually mean to me like I usually brush them off with a joke and a quick “thankyou” but really I remember compliments for forever so if you've ever complimented me or done something nice for me thankyou so much.

I’m so tired of feeling like I’m not good enough for myself or anyone else. I’m so tired of feeling alone when I’m surrounded by people who seem to “care” about me. I’m so tired of genuinely hating myself, and I’m so tired of self loathing over my existence and my life. I’m just tired.

This goes for friends as well..

What I have learned is that if you’re gonna engage in a romantic relationship during your young adult years, it damn well better be with someone who makes your insides explode with nothing but positive emotion. Someone who takes the time to be kind, patient and understanding, more often than not, and who is as warm with their words as they are with their touch. Life is too short to be focused on people who do not have your growth and best interest in mind. The right person will love you in a way that makes you feel completely free and accepted within your own skin. They won’t attempt to hinder your development out of fear or insecurity that your new experiences might lead you into the arms of someone else. Good lovers will desire to see your personal success just as much as you do, and they will support and respect your decisions. Stay away from people who make you feel guilty about desiring the best for yourself. They don’t love you for you, they love you for what you can provide for them. And that is not love.

Have you ever dealt with a dude so nice you don’t know what to text him back because everything he says is so sweet and you, being foreign to genuine affection, have nothing to say?? #storyofmylife

Nostalgia is a liar.

Nothing was ever as good as you remember it to be. There’s a reason you don’t talk to that person anymore, there’s a reason you’re not part of each other’s lives. 
Don’t trust nostalgia. Grieve. Reflect. Move on. I wish it's easier to do than just say.

I’m too head over heels for you. 
Like you could care less about me. 
This feeling sucks. 
Fuck me.

Sometimes you fall off the wagon for months. Sometimes you tell yourself you’re gonna start fresh on Monday and by Wednesday you’ve already fallen back off. Sometimes you have to restart a 100 times and it’s frustrating. But it will be okay. You can do this. One day at a time.

So I met this guy at a bar and I had talked to him for a while about life (and whatever else I talk about when I’m drunk), and now he texts me everyday to see how I'm doing. He always somehow manages to text me at times when I need someone to talk to the most and asks me if I’m well for absolutely nothing in return. It’s honestly so sweet and I love, as well as appreciate people like that more than anything.

I will never ever say that I’m looking for the other half of me in a person, that is simply not true. I am whole, I am brave, and maybe I want someone by my side through all of that but never will I say that I am half.

Somewhere between, she survived, and who she was becoming, was exactly where she was meant to be. She was starting to love the journey.

“You’re so quiet”

Nah fam I talk. Just not to you.

We drifted. I tried. You didn’t. I’m tired. Goodbye.

You make lists in your head about what you want in a lover, like brown hair and a sweet voice. A sharp mind and a soft heart, a sense of humour that actually makes you laugh like you mean it. This and that. And it’s all bullshit. Because people aren’t lists. And I’ve always wanted to be the person who made someone realise that. I want to come across someone with a list in their head that is nothing like the person I am, and I want to show them that they didn’t even know what they were looking for. People who think they know what they want are fooling themselves.
Nobody really knows what they want.
Not until it’s right in front of them.

There’s some weird false idea that when you’re working towards being confident or happy or loving yourself, you won’t have bad days. You will, and they will be horrible. You will feel like shit and nothing will go right. Those days don’t take away from all your progress or set the tone for your entire journey. Experience those days. It’s okay. Your journey is still valid.

Being busy is a blessing. That’s all I want in 2016. To be consistently busy. Get shit done.

2015 was the worst year of my life considering how wrecked I was emotionally and physically but because of it I’m such a better person now. So really, I’m thankful.

We aren’t expected by the universe to do anything besides exist. We have pressures and expectations of society ingrained in our brains and deep into our consciousness, however, it truly doesn’t matter if you just exist and do not “accomplish” worldly goals. Even if you obtain a tonne of success or fame or money, it doesn’t matter. A person who literally did nothing but sat in their room is (spiritually) valued the same as a Rihanna or Elvis. I don’t like making these type of posts but I don’t like seeing people beat themselves up because they are comparing themselves to people living fast lives, living on the edge or who have wealth.

I always like people I’ll never have a chance with because I’m competitive as fuck and I love a challenge but also because I've become so used to not being liked back that I get weird-ed out when people tell me they like me.

Have you ever met someone so terrible that it makes you a better person like you learn from mistakes that you haven’t even made purely from observing them, thankyou for being so obnoxiously terrible, please don’t ever interact with me again.

I've always wanted someone who cared about me.. whether you are my friend, boyfriend, or someone special.

I like it when you ask me if I did my homework. When you tell me to do my homework. When I say no, and you force me. Having silly arguments back and forth. Letting me know that you care about how I’m doing. I like how you push me forward, instead of bringing me backwards.

I love that feeling, when you know someone wants you to have a bright future. When you know they want you to do well. It’s cute. It’s the little things, the little things that are the big things when you look back.

What they don't mention about growing up with strict parents

• the resentment that begins to build up and damage your relationship with your parents because you are missing out on being a kid
• extreme behaviour that can be dangerous because you feel as if you have to catch up on all the life you have been missing
• a constant sadness that you never going to live life enough
• developing anxiety over doing things as simple as riding the bus
• massive issues with authority
• fear of commitment because you feel as though it is going to tie you down and take away from your freedom again
• you learn how to lie way too easily
• you don't trust people or public spaces because anyone could be a predator
• you can't talk to your parents about anything because they take honest topics and turn it into a discussion about what you shouldn't be doing with your life
• you can't do basic tasks or take initiative because you're so used to someone telling you how and where to do everything that any and everything fills you with anxiety and stress

I think it’s funny how parents don’t allow us to do certain things. They were teenagers once. They should know if we want it bad enough, we’ll just do it behind their backs whether they like it or not. So isn’t it better to allow certain things that can’t be stopped, and they’ll at least know what we’re up to? Being too strict on us isn’t a good thing either. We’ll just start to feel suffocated and become a rebel. They don’t have to let us do whatever we want, but they should at least give us a little space so we can breathe.

I’m honestly going to make this year amazing no matter what. I cannot take another bad one and I don’t want to settle for anything less.

You could say I’ve been broken and destroyed time and time again and it was only natural for me to put up boundaries in order to protect myself from anyone else becoming so close to me. These boundaries are like checkpoints, rules and regulations you must follow in order to pass. I guess what I’m trying to say is im just waiting for someone to be able to surpass my boundaries and be deemed as ‘won’t hurt me,’ so far none are worthy..

..maybe I’m not waiting for the perfect one, maybe I’m just waiting for someone that I willingly will just let the boundaries fall for them.

If another girl steals him away,

Let it be. If he really did care about you, he would have brushed the other girl off, he would have realised what he was doing was wrong, he would’ve told her to back off and go find someone else, but instead, he allowed her to take him away from you. And you don’t want a guy like that, because that ain’t a man, that’s just another horny little boy. See, real men are loyal. And loyal men don’t get stolen.

Recovery is one of the hardest things you will ever do. But, trust me when I say that it is so very worthwhile. Your breathing gets easier. Your tears stop falling. Your smiles get true. And your heart gets stronger.

Whatever you do, follow your instinct. If something feels wrong to you, acknowledge it. Tell yourself it doesn’t feel right. Do not let yourself get into things you didn’t actually want to get into. Value your comfort and safety over everything else. Trust your gut.

My story: fake friends // thebeautyandfoodspace

Tick tock tick tock... what time is it? It's STORYTIME with me :) Come check out my first advice video... on FAKE FRIENDS.
Find out why "best friends forever" and "chicks before dicks" to me are BULLSHITS.

WATCH HERE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQAOpUhjpOs 

It’s disappointing when you’ve been talking to a guy and you like them and then suddenly they just stop talking to you and ignore you. Then you have to watch them flirt with other girls in front of you and you can’t say anything to him because the distance between you and him have drifted...

The best feeling in the world is when you just stop having feelings for someone. Romantic, friendship, everything. You look at them and just feel nothing. When you just feel at peace because that person is gone from your life. That’s how you know that they should stay gone.

Catching feelings for someone when you know that being in a relationship isn’t on the agenda for you any time soon is /really/ annoying.

Committing to someone really does scare me to be honest. I mean, you're going to break up with every single person you're with throughout your entire lifetime except for one. And that one you'll probably marry. But then you're there thinking you've found your person for life and then something happens and you could end up getting divorced and then you're all alone again. I don't know, I am probably just saying that because I haven't found someone whose heart connects with mine in the same way… but for me that shit is scary to think about.

So what's the point?

What's the point of being here?
Why do we have to wake up every morning to see what another day will bring?
How come we can be so happy one day and then have all that happiness completely knocked out of us and shattered on the floor into a million pieces the day after?
It all seems so unfair and cruel to me. They say that when you die, you either go to heaven or hell, but in a way, we are already there.
We can be in heaven one day, and hell the day after.

I've reached a point in my life where it's like… I don't care how long we have been friends for…. the moment you make me feel like shit, none of that matters and I'm out. Whoever is meant to be in my life will be and I'm not going to let myself get treated poorly.

Protecting myself emotionally > being in your life and allowing you to treat me like nothing.

PS. Your awaited new series is coming for y'all soon my loves! x

Self reminders

• Stop wasting energy on individuals whose behaviour towards you is ambivalent. The people you surround yourself with should provide you with a consistent feeling of safety, warmth, kindness and love.
• You are not obligated to help everyone, all of the time. This is especially true when you yourself are going through a difficult time. Taking care of your mental and emotional needs first does not make you a bad person, nor should you feel guilt about it.
• Some days are filled with an abundance of everything positive, some days are not. Learn to find happiness in the little things on the days that aren’t.
• Other people’s silence in no way reflect your own worth.
• You are allowed to take breaks from society without explaining yourself. You are allowed to take the time to recharge your soul.
• Life in itself is simple; it is your mind and ego that make it complicated. Let go of your expectations and the way you think things “should” be. Accept every situation for what it is.
• Anyone and anything worth having never, ever comes by force.
• Think hard before you speak; and when you believe you’ve reached some degree of certainty that you wish to turn your silent thoughts into words; shut up and think again. Is it kind; is it necessary?
• Extend love and compassion to every soul you encounter. 
• You are allowed to change; your tendencies, interests, opinions, and perspectives are not static or engraved in stone. To deny the possibility of growth is to deny human agency.
• Never resist what you feel. Allow your emotions to visit you without judgment or identification with them. You are not your mind.
• Others’ words can undeniably be comforting, but they may also be empty. Place more significance on actions.
• Stop beating yourself up over the person you used to be. Take responsibility for your bad choices, your ignorance, your toxicity and the way they might have impacted the lives of others as well as your own - but don’t dwell. Use them as a learning experience, as a standard to hold you and your future self above.
• No matter how busy you may be, find the time to appreciate nature. Meditate amongst the trees, the water and the sand. Look up at the stars and breathe.
• Care. Tell people how you feel about them. Never inhibit the quantity or quality of your love out of fear.

Throwback to few months ago...

The worst part about a failed suicide attempt is the aftermath. Home from the hospital and my parents were just so sad and quiet around me. They don't even want to talk because they think they’ll trigger me to do something again, I think. But when I was laying in that hospital bed I started thinking of all the things I wanted to do in my life that I almost robbed myself of doing. I want to travel and see the world. I want to go to eat all kinds of food from different cultures. I want to get my degree so that I can help other people. I didn’t want to die, I wanted to start living. 

I think it's that way with a lot of people. I can literally do anything I want to in life and not my parents nor anyone else can stop me from doing them. I don't know. I'm just so happy to be alive right now. I'm really thankful to be alive.

I thought that this was just going to be another one of my shit posts but I’m so happy this one got around. Thankyou to everyone who has messaged and anyone who chose to share their story of recovery with me. Each and every single one of you inspire me.

There's a poem by Rupi Kaur that goes, “loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.” 

I read this and it really changed how I viewed my life these past few months.

I realised that if literally anyone was to leave me I'd be fine, because I got me. I’m so caught up in my future goals and my progress that I don’t have time for people stepping in and out of my life. I’m really all I ever needed anyways, and being lonely just isn’t something that applies to me anymore. My fear of abandonment has really decayed and I’m so grateful for that. 

So many quiet nights alone. It allows me to think freely and deeply. Perhaps a little too deep… Too much time alone can drive anyone a little insane.