I miss the past...

A lot has changed in just one year.. It is hard to believe that the people I used to think would always be there for me are now gone and are no longer in my life. It hurts to see old photos and read old chats that are there to only remind me of what used to be better days with people I never thought I’d lose :/ but I know that with everything that has happened I have grown and became stronger eventhough I lost them, I wouldn’t change anything because it was their choice and I am who I am today because of the past. I hope the future brings much joy and hope for me.. and to all my new friends whom I have made so far and to my loved ones whom stuck it out with me, now and forever, I thankyou and appreciate everything you guys have done for me.

I left the party early and called it a night due to the fact that I lacked enthusiasm and had a really bad vibe. I think just being around people has triggered some kind of emotional state making me feel sad, as if I don’t belong. The worst thing was that whilst I was on the way back home I felt like crying and all I could think about was what has happened to me this year.. How much it has impacted me. I feel like at this exact moment in my life everything is out of my control zone and I can’t do anything to change or fix anything, like I am glued to this path that confuses me and frustrates me. I feel alone yet when I am around people I tend to isolate myself and close myself from the world. I didn’t use to be like this, it didn't use to be like this but so much has happened all at once.. I want to just explode with anger and hurt! I just hope... 2016 will be good to me... 

If you don’t know what you want then I don’t even know what you’re trying for here with me. Because I’m not gonna wait around for you to make up your mind. I've got more important things to worry about then whether or not we’re gonna be together. I have myself to think about, my happiness, and what I want for myself in the future. I’m sorry but I won’t let anyone get in the way of that, I'm not gonna get caught up in something that I don’t know is worth it or not.

So many times have I felt as if no one gets me.

I feel as if no one truly can understand why I am the way I am, or why I do things the way I do. I guess a lot of people feel this way, wonder this way, and ask themselves why or how. Why did this happen, why did that happen, why am I feeling the way I am?

I think most people in their lives at one point or another, have felt like they were walking on a cold-isolated path. A path where only their footsteps on the ground were to be seen. A path where lights started to fade away as the passage got narrower. A path where they felt as if they were alone like they had no one to talk to, no one there that would listen and no one there to offer a hand.

But if only, it wasn't this way. It shouldn't have to be this way if maybe us individuals took the time to actually understand each other without judgement, we could have realise that we are not so alone after all.

Eventhough I have a crush on someone at the moment but lately I’ve been feeling that I’m meant to always be alone and that's how it's supposed to be. I'm slowly becoming more ok with the idea of it but the thought of not being alone isn’t completely gone, it probably would be nice... I honestly don’t know how it would go anymore since I don’t really have a relatively normal relationship with anyone in my life. No point really thinking about this, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing and let whatever happens happen when life throws it at me!

We haven’t talked in a while.

I guess you could say you still cross my mind from time to time. But it’s different now. It’s not of love or a sense of I miss you. It’s a thought of wonder of how are you and what have you been up to lately. 
In a way it’s good for both of us. 
But I miss familiarity, to just have a conversation with someone who knows the person you are behind all the masks.

Sudden realisation that next year is like 3 weeks away.

I feel like I’m at the age where I don’t care as much as I used to.

Like if you want to be my friend, then be my friend. If you show me you care for me and that you’ll fend for me in my time of need, then I’ll reciprocate the same efforts.

But if you’re gonna be a bitch and just cause nothing but unnecessary stress and bullshit in my life, then I don’t know why you’re here.

Your existence will only matter to me if you give me a reason to make you significant.

I feel really safe and good today.

I realised I need to stop relying on toxic people in order to survive and I need to forget the past. Just because the people who cheated and hurt me are happy doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be. I deserve someone who can keep up with me intellectually and who appreciates me for more than my body. I want to meet someone and build a healthy relationship for once. I feel ready.

I don’t joke around with people I’m not close to, especially when they’re the type of person who likes to make jokes about others but when the joke’s on them, they get all offended and serious. Ermm okay, what makes you think it’s cool for you to joke around when you can’t even take a joke yourself? You’re the only one making yourself look stupid getting mad in the end while everyone else is laughing.