"It's just life."

The hardest thing for me to do is open up to someone about the darkness in my mind and how I’m struggling to deal with everything in my life. I’m used to bottling everything up inside and pretending it’s ok. Yes I’ve had suicide attempts. Yes I’m trying to get better but it’s just so difficult. It hurts so much when I’m finally able to tell someone after drowning on my own my whole life and have them not give a fuck. I’m not in my right mind and I’m telling someone just like how people say I should before I do something I regret and to have you sigh like I’m nuisance saying you don’t want to see or deal with me when I’m like this and that “it’s just life” hurts so much.
But then again maybe you are right and I’m just overreacting.
It’s just life and I’m a psycho bitch for not being able to deal with it. If this is all life is and nothing’s going to change, then I don’t want it. I don’t want to feel anything anymore, I don’t want to deal with it because what they say is false. They say talk to someone you love or care about how you’re feeling and it’ll help. But it’s a lie, I did and I want to die even more after. I’m running out of reasons to keep myself sane. To keep myself me. I honestly don’t think I can be saved anymore.

So many feelings not shown.
I’m caught in this emotional cyclone (again).
Hoping I don’t end up in this friendzone..... (but I think I already am).

It has always been too late.

Don't know what to do about you anymore.

还是放弃你了吧....

你值得拥有更美好的女孩...

不打扰你了....

就这样, 祝你幸福, 快乐。

The truth is..

I don’t really care what you think or say about me. I can be too loud sometimes, sometimes too hypo and on some occasions I am really quiet. Whatever I do is none of anyone’s business unless I say it is so. No one has the right to judge me or my family and friends. We do not live to please you nor would we ever consider changing to satisfy your thirst of downgrading us. Our egos will only grow as you try everything to bring us down. You either love me or you hate me that is for you to decide. I don’t like fake multiple personalities, I only have one and I am proud of it. I do not always know what I am doing and may not always make the right choices, I am not perfect. No one is. I learn from my mistakes and I am grateful for the people in my life who love and care for me, they are the only ones that I need, the ones I live for. So your judgmental eyes don’t shake us. You are societies bitch, you, my dear are a clone of all the inconsiderate, attention-seekers, unappreciative, stupid jerks in the world. 

I don’t really have a lot of thoughts lately because everything just feels pretty blah to me - it’s the same voices over and over again and the same pictures in my head. I’m just kinda numb to everything and almost everyone. I just don’t have a lot of energy in me anymore but I wish I did - well at least my anxiety wishes I did. I don’t know what I wish for anymore because I don’t know who I am anymore.

She sits in her room surrounded by the dark because that is all she has ever known. Many people have desperately tried to show her the sun but she’d rather see the moon. Some try to understand her but how could they when she barely knew herself.
Everyday she felt like she was slowly slipping away, like she was fading away from everything that had ever meant something to her.

I am constantly acting like I am strong but truth be told I am so tired.

I am so sick of having to lie to myself.

I am just so tired of having nothing left to hold on too.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At work today, it suddenly poured down with heavy rain with thunderstorms and hail, it was so bad that I had to duck to an undercover in a random house. Then all of a sudden, an old lady came out and invited me in. After she settled me down and gave me towels to dry myself, the first thing she said was, "You are not truly happy, are you?"
To be honest, that really hit me. Like how can she, a stranger, can pick it up and notice me behind my mask... while even my closest friends can't do so?!
We ended up having really deep and meaningful conversations, she gave me good guidance and advice. Even at the end, before I had to leave, she gave me her phone number and told me to drop by anytime when I'm in troubled times. I feel really grateful and warmed to the heart by her actions and generosity, of inviting me, a complete stranger to her home.

Nobody ever asked me if I was okay. So all I could do was keep asking them and hope that one day they would ask me too.

Me during shower time: What is my mission here on earth? What would have happened if Hitler got killed before he started the war? 
What if is there's a bigger force controlling us right now?

Me almost falling asleep: I think I've solved the mystery of Atlantis and the cure for cancer and starving in Africa and the problems for all bad things in the universe.

Me during the day: how do I spell house?

I hope this will be my last year.

I thought I have left this mindset behind the past, but I haven't.
I'm drowning in it again and I just want to escape everything and never come back. 

Good days are few and far between but I know I deserve them each time they come around.

Do you ever feel like you’re just sort of ... there?
Like all your friends go out and do things and get into relationships and like people that like them back and have fun and do stupid things with their best friends and instead of doing all that you’re just sort of this mildly entertaining thing that people take an interest in once in a while but they wouldn’t really care if it was gone?
..... Like you just sort of exist but you don’t really mean anything.

PS. Here’s to another day alive - cheers… right?

Maybe. Maybe I don't deserve to be happy anymore.

Everything you said.
Every. Single. Fucking. Word.
They ring in my head like a thousand church bells…
You’re stupid.
You're a failure.
You’re useless.
You’re weak.
Why do you torture me like this?

And maybe I don't deserve to be here anymore.

"I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that." - Robin Williams 

Waking up the morning after wanting to kill yourself is one of the weirdest things ever because it’s just the soft realisation that “Oh… I’m still here” and you don’t know if you should be happy or sad or angry...

When I was younger, I used to hear people say "love yourself" and just think " who doesn't?"....
but now 10 years later, I sit and think, "who does?"

Another failed attempt.

"People do not die from suicide, they die from sadness."

The whole day today was really challenging. The worst feeling is wanting to cry but having to hold it in because I was in public and had to pretend to smile and laugh all day because my job needs it.

My thoughts were destroying me. I tried not to think but the silence was a killer too.

It’s like…. I’m not saying I’m going to hang myself, or shoot myself; nothing like that. It’s more like, if I am walking on the railroad tracks and the train is coming, I don’t care enough to move.

The problem with suicidal thoughts is that they’re not just there when your sad. You’ll be there, chilling, reading a book or talking to a friend and you’ll think: "This is nice. But do you know what would be better? Death."

My favourite - 

"If you had the chance to kill yourself without hurting the ones you love, would you?"

In a heartbeat.

Don’t you think it's sad how we keep ourselves alive for our friends and family but they’re one of the reasons we don’t want to be alive in the first place?

How should I feel fine when suicide is all that's on my mind?

I  just feel like, if I die, everything will be ok.

I don't need no funeral, just burn my body to ashes and spread to the sea, and that's my final wish.

I am the type of child to hold everything in, always.

I’ll let you speak out all you want and everything at me. I’ll let you have your say. I won’t stop your judging and assumptions. Bark at me, bite at me, break me all you want. You like to see me bleed out everything, so do it, I am letting you. The one that will cry only in the darkness corners alone. The one that will break once she’s alone. I am the type that has thoughts that run and crash in her mind. The mind that is a victim of the soul. The mind that has a voice but is cowardly genuine to let out. What will it do anyways, it’s not going to change your parental ways, it’ll only make things worse.

I can't do this anymore. Suicidal thoughts come running back to me again. Death is the solution. 

Failed many times, but there won't be anymore.

Tomorrow is the day. 

Time to choose a place.

Night is the best time.

Goodbye earth.

I'm sorry to all the people that love me, but I have enough.

To those who hate me, I know for the fact that you all will be happy and rejoice for I will be gone.

I'm actually a really shy person.

When you first meet me, our conversation is going to be awkward because I would have absolutely no idea what to talk about. It’s also worse when you’re cute. But if you wait a little, I’ll eventually get comfortable around you. Then I’ll start talking so much that it’ll probably annoy you. 

Chapter 2016. Page 1 of 365. Let’s begin.
Happy New Year everyone! Woke up feeling fresh after spending my new years eve with my family :)