When people go through changes, their priorities don’t stay the same either, and you realise your role in their life.
Personally, I know I can’t blame people for not having time for me or going out of their way for me because I do that with others as well. I’m at a phase in my life where I’m extremely confused and trying to figure everything out. I can’t do that while putting people first but at the same time, putting myself first isn’t helping either. It feels lonely when I take a break from focusing on myself and my future and realise that nobody’s around.

No matter what I do or how much I think I want something, when I pause for a second, I wonder why I pursue any of it because at the end of the day, nothing makes me feel alive.

I know it's only October..

2016 (so far) really redefined the concept of loneliness for me. People always differentiate between being alone and lonely, and they’re right. I don’t want to romanticise this into another boring and predictable post. But no matter how many people are in your life, no matter how many messages you have waiting for you, no matter how many people you make plans with, unless if you click with them, you will find yourself always seeking for more and more company and never being satisfied with who you surround yourself with. This doesn’t mean that you can’t appreciate your current friends. Matter of fact, your friends can be so good to you and you can love them to death but that won’t stop you from wanting something else, something more, something they cannot provide. There’s attributes that only certain people can bring out in you. There’s some conversations that just flow better if you’re in the right crowd. There’s people who inspire each other to be better in a way that others cannot. May next year, 2017 be the year that I find like-minded individuals that I feel like I fit in with. 

Tonight (or more like this morning because it’s 4:30am and I haven’t slept yet) I realised that a lot of the barriers holding me back from being where I want to be are mental. I love knowing how far people have gone because in a sense it inspires me to be better. My logic regarding that is the following: How can you want to be successful if you don’t know what success consists of or what a successful individual looks like? That type of rational where you put a face or an accomplishment to your idea of success can be toxic though. People break boundaries and make breakthroughs all the time and if you think like that, then every time there’s a new ceiling for what being successful means, you will begin to believe that your goal is moving further away from you (because you feel as though you aren’t enough anymore to achieve it) which just isn’t true. When you know better, you do better. Progress is the heart of opportunities. And believing in yourself is the heart of progress. The definition of success will always fluctuate but that doesn’t make it intangible.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I will amount to anything more than struggle and lost potential.

Always reaching for what you can never touch is how you learn to never settle and never be satisfied.
Ironic how the good and the bad sprout from the same seed.

New theory -

Recently, I’ve been meeting the best guys who possess all the qualities that I want in a man, and it’s so ironic and dumb on my part because even when they show interest, I always mess it up somehow. Then when another guy peaks my interest, I realise how much I romanticised the last guy and I’m sure that me making a fool out of myself in front of all these men is me learning a lesson so that one day when a guy actually is as great as I think he is, I don’t fck it up.

I’ve convinced myself from past experiences that I will never have something good, so much so that even if I’m presented with an opportunity to go after something, I just give up before trying because I know that even if I acquire it, it will be taken away from me. I will never get to keep something good, I guess it just isn’t written for someone like me.

I’ve come to the point I have accepted I am not going to be in a romantic relationship. It’s just not going to happen for me. For now at least I know I’m ready to put it aside for good for awhile. No more wondering. No more worrying about guys wanting to date me and what to do. I’m just done with all of it. I’m leaving it where it is. I’m so thankful for what Life has given me. I have good friends and an amazing family. I’m already really blessed. This is my time to grow and to serve others.