Throwback to few months ago...

The worst part about a failed suicide attempt is the aftermath. Home from the hospital and my parents were just so sad and quiet around me. They don't even want to talk because they think they’ll trigger me to do something again, I think. But when I was laying in that hospital bed I started thinking of all the things I wanted to do in my life that I almost robbed myself of doing. I want to travel and see the world. I want to go to eat all kinds of food from different cultures. I want to get my degree so that I can help other people. I didn’t want to die, I wanted to start living. 

I think it's that way with a lot of people. I can literally do anything I want to in life and not my parents nor anyone else can stop me from doing them. I don't know. I'm just so happy to be alive right now. I'm really thankful to be alive.

I thought that this was just going to be another one of my shit posts but I’m so happy this one got around. Thankyou to everyone who has messaged and anyone who chose to share their story of recovery with me. Each and every single one of you inspire me.

There's a poem by Rupi Kaur that goes, “loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.” 

I read this and it really changed how I viewed my life these past few months.

I realised that if literally anyone was to leave me I'd be fine, because I got me. I’m so caught up in my future goals and my progress that I don’t have time for people stepping in and out of my life. I’m really all I ever needed anyways, and being lonely just isn’t something that applies to me anymore. My fear of abandonment has really decayed and I’m so grateful for that. 

So many quiet nights alone. It allows me to think freely and deeply. Perhaps a little too deep… Too much time alone can drive anyone a little insane. 

I find comfort in knowing that people who I’ve cut out of my life are left with this version of me that simply doesn’t exist anymore. The memory and image of me that they have isn't who I am, and I’m happy that it’s that way. I’ve changed and grown and they won't ever get the chance to know the better version of myself that I’ve become during their absence.

I like sleeping.

Why?
Because when I’m sleeping, I can’t feel pain, I don’t get hurt, I can’t hear anything, see any physical things. I’m in my own world, my own dreams, the best parts about dreams are, you can stop them whenever, you can wake up and it’s all over.

Have YOU ever wondered....

what your purpose in life is? How life is going to change in ten, twenty, thirty years? How your life would be like right now if you were to make different choices, decisions, or if you could turn back the hands of time to fix your share of mistakes? And why is that everyone else around you seems to know what to expect for the future, but you haven’t even figure out what is it you want yet?

.................................

Because I have and too often, I lose myself in the process of finding myself.

I ALMOST THREW UP!!! | Bean Boozled Challenge | 3rd Edition Box | thebea...

I have completely lost myself.

I thought I’d get better when things got better last month. But if anything I’m suffocating more now. I don’t know who I am anymore. Like who I truly am. In front of people I pretend to be fine, happy. But reality is I cry at least three times a day alone. I just want to stop drowning, to stop feeling this all the time and not just short term. I don’t want to be surrounded by people, yet I don’t want to be alone either. I don’t trust anyone and I don’t even know who’s really there for me and who I can really rely on. I just want to escape myself.

You can't see this hell I'm lost in because all I do is laugh.

And in a way, I don't want you to notice. You're too good for my problems.

But I'm still screaming for you to save me. I'm still crying for help right in front of you.

.... can't you see me?