It’s only 50 days before 2016 and I feel like the only thing I’ve done this year was disappoint everyone including myself.

I’m sorry family and friends if one day soon you’ll find me cold and out of breaths. I just can’t get it together and I’m tired of constantly fighting myself, lying to myself, and feeling this way. There is no moving on for me. I just want out. And I’m almost ready to let go of this life. I need help. I just don’t know when… I’ll put myself out of my misery. I cannot hold on much longer.. 

It's funny how the human mind works.

I can say I am never the strongest person when it comes to my own personal feelings about situations. I just work it off with a smile and keep it all bottled inside and hope that everything will pass and I won’t have the slightest re-collection of it.

It seems like I’ve bottled enough up inside of me that my mind can no longer take it; I need to let it all out.. and I have, through dreams.
I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night, as I try to settle my mind to fall asleep once more, I remember what had just happened a few second before I was woken from my sleep, what I was able to achieve. Although it was a dream I feel better already :)

If only dreams were a reality; I would have the hardest part over and done with. 

You think you're happy but then you realise you're insecure, you're scared, you're confused, you don't know what you're doing with yourself, you don't know what's going to happen to you or where you're going to end up. You don't know the next time you're gonna break out crying or the next time you're going to feel safe, feel like you're in a good place. You try to tell yourself everything's going to be fine, you force yourself to smile through it all, you're trying to be optimistic. You're usually pretty tough but you know deep down that at this moment you're not okay. Yeah. You're not okay. Not only that but the people around you seem to be changing, slipping away, and suddenly everything is spiraling out of your control. You're losing them. You're losing yourself. You're trying to grasp onto these relationships just like you're trying to keep holding onto that hope you already know is long gone. You're hoping at least one person will bear with you, at least one person you know that when you close your eyes to deal with all the shit that's happening and open them again, he'll still be there. What can you do? You're trying. [the end]

The cracks began to appear as though nothing was done. Some days tape was what held it all together, but only temporary, eventually the tape broke and so did the cracks with it. The cracks were no longer cracks but became missing pieces; missing pieces to what seemed so strong so long ago; years ago.

We are holding on by pieces, broken cracked pieces that seem to just won’t fit.
Please say you all won’t let it fall apart, we can still mend this together. 

Have you ever felt?

To the point where you don’t even know where you stand.
Mixed emotions just rushing up your adrenaline yet you don’t know what to even think of it. Everything seems to be in a big question mark but you sit there, questioning the questions. Where the world is just continuously revolving around the sun in perfect harmony and you’re the spectacle that’s floating somewhere in space. If only you could come close to grasping that feeling of assurance. Craving for it, yearning for that ground you wish to find where you know where you even are.
Then you realise, you’re still in that same position…. just... lost.

I need a drunk conversation with you. A drunk mind speaks a sober heart, so maybe that’s the only way I’ll be able to spill out my feelings for you, since I find it so hard for me to talk about them regularly.

That feel when.. results come out that all the things you felt.. actually matched to a disorder. Neither shocked nor relieved, but it was just like a sense of conformation that I wasn't going crazy and what I've been feeling all along - I wasn't alone.

Friends who are close to me, which I'm glad they're still here sticking along, had mostly *almost always* asked me "Have you recovered?"  then I would always say, "What does that mean?"

If they meant, "Am I back to where I was before that?" I have to say no, and I never will be. I am not the same person - I was an open book, of being that sunflower girl with her arms stretched so wide that everyone thought she wanted to hug the Earth. I would always wore my heart over my shirt instead of under it. I left her - and her trust, her innocence, her simplicity. I had to in order to survive. What happened has changed me forever.

You know what breaks my heart?

When your friends feel threatened by you. When they feel that you are getting “popular” and that you are becoming a threat. But why? Why does everyone care so much about “popularity.” It’s the internet. I don’t stream for the numbers, the views, the count, the money or the fame. I stream because I enjoy doing it. I do it because I want to. I do it because it keeps me company, and with that experience I am able to meet so many people and grow. It’s really sad to get a message from one of them, and hearing about how I make them feel. Those were never my intentions at all to “steal viewers.” It hurts a lot. Sometimes I feel so bad to the point where I just want to quit everything. I don’t want anyone to stop streaming because of me. I came into this community trying to make it better, but here I am getting judged and blamed for. I can’t even talk to my close friends because they probably think the same.

It also hurts that my dearest close friends think so low of me. It hurts. It hurts that some people think I am using people as well. I am not that kind of person. I’ve been nothing but kind. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as nice because people just start stepping all over me. I thought my good friends would know me by now, but I guess I am just left in disappointment.

Whenever I happen to come across something involving death, it makes me realise again how short life is. It makes me realise how invulnerable we think we all are. We sometimes have this tendency to believe that just because we are young, we won’t expect death anytime soon. I mean, we can never predict when it’s our turn, we can never predict the circumstances of death. You should cherish your friends and family, and not when you saw someone who just passed away. But because you should have been already cherishing them in the first place. Remember to cherish what you have and never take advantage of it. You never know if you might be that person one day, or someone you’ll know of. I could never imagine myself dying, or losing someone so special to me. It might be just another death to you, because everyone dies and it’s normal; but to people whom are close to them, it’s more than that, its a great loss. I went to a funeral service today for my piano teacher, she was a lovely lady who introduced me to a whole new world of music - gave me the opportunities and many chances to perform in concerts (from a small gathering of 20 to about 200 in a concert hall), perform in competitions and just from these, it has partially made me to who I am today. She'll be greatly missed but her memories live with me, her family and friends forever.
So live your life with no regrets, forgive people, forget things, have fun.
Life’s too short, death is unexpected.