I feel like my life is a never ending movie.

.... Like a director is picking scenes that make my life harder and harder. He may once in a while throw in a happy scene but my smiles aren't genuine, there's always still something in the back of my mind that I have to worry about. A director can cut characters in and out of your life, just like reality how some important people can just leave your life… just like that. A director can control what’s happening in the movie, but someday I’m going to take over and make this movie my own. Take control of my own life. I once asked myself why birds don't just fly wherever they want since they have wings but then I realised I should be asking myself the same question.. Why not spread my wings and fly?

Ever felt like you are just out of your league?

... That this particular someone is just too good for you? That this person would never ever even consider you? We've all at one stage believed that someone else is just plainly too perfect to even be close to you and yet you wish and hope that there might be a chance.
But then reality hits you - “Wait, how can he/she even think twice about getting with me?” I’m just simple, 'average' me and it sucks knowing that being “me” will never be good enough for you. 

Sometimes..

I get really hesitant about posting up what I feel or how my day was on here. I don’t exactly know why..  But sometimes, I feel like I’m being judge on what I post. And I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but I just do, for some reason. But then I realise that I made a blog, to rant. So it shouldn't even matter if I’m being judge or criticise by. This is my blog and I get to say whatever I want. If people don’t like it, then they don’t have to go on my blog and read my posts. Just simply unfollow me.
“Just brush it off”, something I always tell myself. It actually works, because I start caring less about what others have to say. 

What is it about the midnight that amplifies your emotions and thoughts? Why is there such thing as a 2am personality or what is it about 2am that makes people want to receive an "I miss you" text? Why are we awake during the hours that we’re supposed to be sleeping and we allow ourselves to drown in our emotions and thoughts? What is it about those hours that makes us want to spill everything to someone?

I have realised some things.

Most people don’t communicate anymore - everyone always says things, but why does it feel like that’s all that we do half of the time?

I mean we tend to pick out pretty words, sometimes ugly, unpleasing and painful words to say. We use them in strings and/or in clusters. We then create them into sentences, we speak them, we write them, we allow people to hear our thoughts. We use them in our conversations.

And what I've come to realised is that when I look at these statements, these conversations - it looks like one statement after another. No questions, no concern, no feeling. What happened to the passion that used to be placed so carefully on our tongues, only to leap out and create sensations so special that they could not be understood on the outer level? 

I have this theory.

The theory.. that the more important and intimate the emotion between a couple, the fewer the words are required to express it, for instance:

The Stages:

Six words - Will you go out with me?
Five words - I care for you ok?
Four words - You’re important to me.
Three words - I love you.
Two words - Marry Me?

So what’s left? 

The most important and intimate word you can ever say to anybody would be your last stage, stage six. 

 6. One word - Goodbye.

I always have this “I don’t need anyone” mentality because honestly, I don’t need anyone.
Yeah it’s nice to have company once in awhile, but being alone is when I truly feel most comfortable. I know I take people for granted, and I’m selfish, and stupid at times. And it’s all gonna hit me hard one day. But maybe I don’t try because I just feel like everyone and everything is so temporary. Maybe when I actually don’t have someone waiting on me is when I really appreciate what I have. No matter what, it’s always gonna be too late.

Last day of July.

It’s been awfully long since I've written something that I’m proud of. I haven’t been posting much if you haven’t noticed. It’s rare for me to actually write these days, simply because I don’t find a need to. I’ve finally reached that point where my words are shortened when there’s not much to complain or vent about. I think it would be safe to say that I have grown out that stage in my life where I was so used to my emotions overtaking me as a person and that I’m no longer a emotional individual who likes to depend on others to fill the hollowness I feel inside.

These days, after experiencing all the heartbreaking lessons I’ve been forced to learn, I’m numb to an extreme, I’m numb to my feelings, to the people around me and to my surroundings. I pushed people far away. I’m not exactly sure how I got like this or what made me a completely different person than who I was a year or two back but what I do know is I was once too caring, I cared too much only to receive broken promises in return. And quite frankly, I think the best way to not let your emotions get the best of you is to be carefree. Carefree as in letting yourself go — don’t mind the silent whispers others have said about you, don’t mind the perspectives of another when it comes to yourself and don’t be afraid to show who you really are, don’t fight against your feelings, let them out. Cry if you want to, scream if you want to but make sure to pick yourself up afterwards. Take a glance in the mirror to really discover your true self and what is hidden deep within the layers of your skin.

I say this because I know ten, twenty years from now I will reflect back on what kind of person I was at this very moment of time and laugh at myself for always being so over-caring. And it’s stupid, because is that really who I want to be? Twenty years into the future, nobody is going to remember what you wore on a certain day, what you have said in the past or how you were like today because nothing we wear, nothing we say, nothing we do will matter. Twenty years from now, nobody will care about you as much as they used to because they got their own life now. Twenty years from now, the people who once gave you so much to remember will only become a distanced memory, blurry in mind, painless in thought. Twenty years from now, what will be important is how you portray yourself. Either way, it’s never too early to get your priorities straightened out. Don’t mind the people or things that are causing you stress now. You’ll thank yourself later.

Have you ever... let go of someone?

Someone who is special to you, someone you have grown close to over time. A someone, that you argued countless times with. Someone who you try so hard to give up on, someone who you have told yourself a million times you wouldn't talk to ever again, but at the end of the day, you both wouldn't be able to resist the temptation and you would both give in, thus giving each other another chance.
Another chance for the same mistakes.
And finally, when both of you have reached your breaking points, you both are wanting to end it once and for all, but the lingering feelings you guys have are holding you back. And when it comes down to it, that one conversation that would either have you two make up or break up, you have too much pride to tell them to stay, so you let them slip away. Then you end up regretting what you did not do, because you know they would have stayed if you told them to. I’d like to call them, the one that got away.