It feels good to cry or have a few tears in my eyes from time to time. Whether it was brought up from heartache it doesn’t matter but it just lets me know I still feel inside. That I haven’t thrown away emotions and feelings altogether because it just causes too much pain. 

Sleep eludes me.

I’m not too sure why I am suffering from insomnia so often these days. Maybe it’s because I didn’t plan my night accordingly, stay up on the phone till 3 in the morning till I eventually dose off in conversation or watch a couple of old dramas in which may bore me to sleep.

I do this so to avoid lying awake in bed with just my own thoughts tossing and turning through my mind. 

But tonight it seems I may be trapped…

I feel like I am stuck in the darkness, waiting for you to reach out for me and bring me back into the light. But then I remember, you’re not here anymore.

It’s easy to have a conversation with me.

But if you send me one word replies, or really slow replies, I’ll probably stop talking to you. Not to be mean, but let’s be honest. Who wants to wait for hours for a reply, or get some effortless reply like “cool.” and then you expect me to reply? No. At least put in some effort into the conversation. I’ll lose interest if you give me late/one word replies. I’d rather talk to someone who can actually hold a conversation.

Have you ever felt?

Like you don’t know what’s going on anymore. 
Like you don’t care about anything anymore. 
You’ve lost motivation to do anything. 
Your mind is set on too many things that you are confused about your feelings, and you can’t explain how you feel either. 
The feeling of emptiness, and feeling that barely anyone is there for you. 
Feeling that no one understands you anymore. 
And it seems like there is nothing to look forward to anymore.

I like-d talking to you.

It’s like every time we do talk, I end up laughing or smiling. Even if we’re fighting or something over the silliest things, I probably could never take you seriously. You’re cute. The way you talk-ed to me. It was great, more like amazing. When I talk-ed to you it’s like everything else didn't matter.
Like I said, I like-d talking to you, I really do (did).

Change really is for the better.

Maybe that’s why change is inevitable. 
Maybe that’s why we look back after a long period of time, only to realise how far we've made it, by taking the little steps.
Maybe that’s why the struggle in between is truly difficult.
It’s for us to realise how wonderful the result at the end of the tunnel is.
Maybe, just maybe, change could all do us good every now and again. 

She suddenly stopped being herself and let her demon take over.

Self empowerment.

2018 is a year of positive vibes, positive affirmations, to more self empowerment, happiness and success.

Like last year, it's no secret that I have been and still am aiming for positive thinking.

You might not realise this, but the majority of the time - a lot of this happens during our little internal monologues - we tend to think about things in a negative way, we talk and think about things we don’t want, things we don’t want to happen to us, more than we talk about things we want, love and desire. We think about things we did wrong, mistakes we have made and opportunities we’ve missed.

As a matter of fact, there is quite a lot of self-judgment going on in our minds. Some of these false judgments are often deeply rooted in our unconscious mind - part of our mind where our beliefs, habits, and behaviours are formed and reinforced.

Positive thinkings allow you to raise your awareness to a different and new perspective. In order for these to work, however, you have to speak them, think them, write them down, on a regular basis. The more you use them, the more aware you will become of your negative thought patterns.

Here are what I've gathered over last year that have helped me to past the negative hurdles -

• I live my life on my own terms
• I choose to let go of everything that doesn't serve me
• My life is full of purpose and passion
• I am fearless and by challenging my fears, I become stronger
• I believe in myself
• I am willing to step out of my comfort zone and make a change
• I am worthy of my dreams and I will make them come true
• I feel strong and inspired every single day
• I see love in everyone and everywhere I go
• I choose to surround myself only with positive people who lift my energy
• I am unique and nothing can replace me
• I will not allow my past to define me
• I am at peace with myself
• I allow all good things to come into my life
• I am thankful for all that I have in my life
• Every day is an opportunity - to practice more love towards myself and other people; to be more grateful; to change things I don't like; and to grow.

Of course in listing that, daily positive thoughts and practice won’t magically change your life overnight, but I can assure you that it will help you re-program your mind. If you ever thought of yourself as not good enough, not smart enough, or that you often tell yourself: “I can’t,” give some of these a try, for at least a week.

My advice to you is: write them down, speak them aloud, use post-it notes to stick them in a place where you will see them often.

Ta for now!

Until next time x