It’s so easy for people to say ‘just stop worrying’.
But when you have over a gazillion thoughts running through your head all at once it’s so much harder to 'just stop worrying’.

I write about love like I know it so well, but to be honest, love and I have never officially met.

I didn't care enough.

That was my problem. People slipped through my fingers like sand, hobbies became a thing of the past, dreams were for people with hope and love belonged to those who deserved it. And I guess I didn’t care enough to deserve any of those things.

My veins bleed ink and my soul breathes deep.

And sometimes I cannot help but to wonder... if writing is supposed to be therapeutic, then why do I constantly feel like I’m ripping open my skin with animalistic claws? Am I writing to remember, or to get rid of these memories?

Do you ever feel like you’re waiting for something that isn’t ever going to happen? Like, you’re basing all your decisions on ‘if’s, ‘maybe’s, and uncertainty?

And sometimes, no matter how much you want to get up and leave, theres’s something that draws you back, to continue waiting. Perhaps it’s all the time you’ve already spent on something, and to lose that suddenly, for nothing, seems kind of pointless. But, why continue wasting time?

It’s like, waiting at a train station, for a train that doesn’t stop at this particular location, but something keeps you attached to waiting here. As if one day, the train will change course.

You want to leave, desperately wish to go, but still hopelessly believe that an alternative is possible. The train will change course, to a better one.

But, what should happen if the moment you’ve gone, the train makes a sudden turn.

By then, will it be too late?

You know one of those nights, where you just don’t know what to do...? It’s cold, it’s lonely, the night breeze. You feel so helpless and alone. Nights like these are the worse.

You stay up in bed, doing these things, trying to get yourself to fall asleep. But all you could do is just think. Think about anything and everything. Your past experiences, things you’ve been through, the life you’re living. All the stressful things that’s been happening. And as much as you try not to think about anything, it’s always the bad things that outshine the good.

You sit there reminiscing all the times you’ve had with people who no longer exist in your life. People who once were there for you, but just vanished like a smoke of cloud. You think about how much happier you used to be, and how everything was better before.

It’s nights like these were you realise how lonely you are, how much hope has departed, yet the memories haven’t.

Do you know that feeling where you just want to disappear?

I think it’s a cry for help.

Because sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it’s caving in on you. At times there are people out there who really do feel like they don’t want to exist, like they just want to curl up in a ball and go into that place between life and death. When they say things such as ‘I don’t want to exist’ isn’t saying ‘I want to die’. It’s saying ‘I wish for the time being that I can escape this place call reality and just not feel’.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, and you don’t know how it feels to be this way then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

I tell myself it’s all good, and that one day everything is going to be alright.
But as the days go by, I just doubt myself a little more.
I have been told (and I know this too), that to feel better, all I need is to believe.
But it’s been so hard that I don’t know how much I can hold on and be strong.

When I feel so empty, and I get tired of my sad face in the mirror.
I want to give up all the dreams I have kept inside my soul.
Every time that I feel like I’m too weak when everyone is so perfect, I lose all of my strength and I feel like I could fall down right on the floor.

#endlessbattle

Maybe if I was prettier
Maybe if I was stronger
Maybe if I was smarter
Maybe if I was thinner
Maybe if I was louder
Maybe if I was better

.... just maybe.