You think you’re loving too hard in your relationship. You think you’re doing too much. But that’s not it.
It’s that you’re not getting enough in return.
If the person was going just as hard as you were, you wouldn’t feel the need to pull back.
It’s the one sided-ness you feel.
Not the loving too hard.

To be honest, this is the worst.
I pray I will never be in this situation again.

How is it possible to be friends with someone you have a thing for? I mean you flirt and all but you know there's more to it. You remind yourself you’re nothing more than friends just so you don’t feel pressured to be in a relationship. The more you talk, the closer you get but it gets to the point where you want to distance yourself because of the possibility of falling for that person (again). Maybe it's for the best.

When you have a person that is willing to give you their all, don’t take them for granted and give them your all back. When you finally have someone who cares about you a lot, someone who is loyal, someone who will do anything and everything for you, take a step back and realise what you have. Because once they start to realise that you do not deserve any of that and because you do not give it your 120%, they will start to give you less attention and less everything.
So cherish what you have, it can be gone in a blink of a second.

Forgiveness > Revenge

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been that “nice girl.”
But, I’m strong enough to know that I should never let anyone feel like they can belittle me and make me feel like I'm a shadow to everyone else. I’m not the type to retaliate, being raised to believe that revenge never solves anything. Rather than say what’s on my mind at the moment, I choose to let go and move on. Why? Because nothing drives a person who thinks they’re in control of you more insane than kindness itself. So instead of giving them the satisfaction of feeding off your anger, kill them with a smile and move on with your life.

Nothing about living with mental illness has been cute.

It is feeling completely powerless and like my head is a traitor.
It is knowing that I need to work on projects and meet with friends to feel better but only having the energy to stay in bed.
It is pushing away my support systems.
It is putting myself into dangerous situations, like running away from friends at a party or out into the street at night, because I’m breaking down and can’t think clearly.
It is not being able to walk down the street without having a panic attack some days.
It’s the sense of complete lack of control and fear as I realise I am going to breakdown in public, and don’t know where to hide or how to make it stop.
It’s feeling unsafe in any place because my anxiety could take over at any time.
It’s not being able to enjoy moments with my friends because I’m too busy fantasizing about death. It’s not being able to stop crying for hours and sitting on a bed, forcing my body to get up but not being able to leave.
It’s wanting help desperately but not knowing how to ask for it.
It’s crying over trauma from a year ago and not knowing how to explain to others that these things still hurt.
It’s realising that other people don’t have to prepare their days for their mental illness.
It’s exhausting.
It’s draining.
But it is resilience.
It is feeling like there is nothing worth living for when the past week has been same cycle of crying every day but STILL staying alive.
It is continuing to seek out the smallest amount of hope in you and living off it for months.
It is regaining trust in your head after the things it said to you the night before.
It is constantly putting work into yourself.
It is refusing to see yourself as weak.
My mental illness is ugly. It is messy. It’s not cute. 

I am a human being worth knowing and loving.

I have value.

It’s strange and scary how people affect you.

Your personality, your mind, your feelings. But I won’t let anyone do that anymore.
Because why?
I’m great the way I am. I don’t need to change just because someone tells me to. I don’t have to change because they treated me the way they did. I deserve all the happiness and love in the world and I will never, ever let someone else tell me the opposite. I’m alive and I live. I won’t waste my time on people that hurt me. Not. Anymore.

Same late night thoughts.

I really miss the feeling.... of having someone always wanting to hang out with you. Someone always wanting to talk to you. Not even, just feeling like I’m special or really important to someone is enough right now. I want to feel like I’m not always taken for granted, I just want to be first priority for once. No competition. I just want to know what it’s like to have someone defend me when others are talking shit about me to them instead of going along with it or even joke around about it with the shit talker. No. They don’t even have to defend me, just not go along with it at least, even if it's a friend saying it because shouldn’t me being the significant other matter more? Just need that someone I can talk to and know that they’ll always be there for me no matter what time it is or where they are. Instead of making me feel like a pest they don’t want to or have the time to deal with. I miss having someone who will reassure me when I have these insecurities instead of making me feel worse, crazy, stupid or unappreciative. Sometimes I just need a simple reassurance. I miss having someone go out of their way for me whenever they can instead of making me feel clingy and annoying when I do it. There's two in a relationship, not one or three. But then again I’m the one that’s always wrong hey. Guess I’m the idiot.

I sometimes wonder what it’s like to live a different life. Different location. Different people. Different person - a different lifestyle. I wouldn’t mind leaving for a day and waking up to something different. It sounds about good.