I am a human being worth knowing and loving.

I have value.

It’s strange and scary how people affect you.

Your personality, your mind, your feelings. But I won’t let anyone do that anymore.
Because why?
I’m great the way I am. I don’t need to change just because someone tells me to. I don’t have to change because they treated me the way they did. I deserve all the happiness and love in the world and I will never, ever let someone else tell me the opposite. I’m alive and I live. I won’t waste my time on people that hurt me. Not. Anymore.

Same late night thoughts.

I really miss the feeling.... of having someone always wanting to hang out with you. Someone always wanting to talk to you. Not even, just feeling like I’m special or really important to someone is enough right now. I want to feel like I’m not always taken for granted, I just want to be first priority for once. No competition. I just want to know what it’s like to have someone defend me when others are talking shit about me to them instead of going along with it or even joke around about it with the shit talker. No. They don’t even have to defend me, just not go along with it at least, even if it's a friend saying it because shouldn’t me being the significant other matter more? Just need that someone I can talk to and know that they’ll always be there for me no matter what time it is or where they are. Instead of making me feel like a pest they don’t want to or have the time to deal with. I miss having someone who will reassure me when I have these insecurities instead of making me feel worse, crazy, stupid or unappreciative. Sometimes I just need a simple reassurance. I miss having someone go out of their way for me whenever they can instead of making me feel clingy and annoying when I do it. There's two in a relationship, not one or three. But then again I’m the one that’s always wrong hey. Guess I’m the idiot.

I sometimes wonder what it’s like to live a different life. Different location. Different people. Different person - a different lifestyle. I wouldn’t mind leaving for a day and waking up to something different. It sounds about good.

I lay on the ground.  Awaiting death.  I look up at the sky.  That was when I understood just how high I once were.  And now I’m at the very bottom, basking in the wisps of suffocation.

My depression is a motivator

in that I often make rash decisions because of it.

For examples, like:
ending relationships/friendships
or chopping my hair
or dying my hair a slightly darker/lighter shade
or applying for as many jobs as I can
or naming my ex-bfs “arsehat” in my phone
or making plans with friends I no longer see/keep in touch
or sending out my “aww I really miss you, let’s meet up soon” texts

I do a lot of things (most things) to avoid death.

For examples, like:
de-activate my social media accounts
or tear up old photos
or take new photos
or powder my self-inflicted bruises
or tell people I love them
or twiddle my thumbs
in a broom closet
until I’m cared for

until I’m dead.

Sometimes I think I’m staying alive for my friends
or maybe to finish uni someday
or maybe for this pot of coffee
or maybe because I haven’t achieved enough yet
or maybe to not make things harder for anyone else
or maybe to read all the books I have bought
or maybe to take that trip
or maybe because if I died now my name would not mean anything
or maybe for myself.

Coming to terms.

I will not get sad,
I will not get sad,
I will shed no tears.
Feel no rain
Taste no rust

For things that
were always going to be
brief.

I feel like once you lose someone you care a lot about - once they walk away from you without a good reason - you stop caring about losing people as a whole. You don’t expect permanence or consistency. You question the motives of the ones who adore you, and you start looking for signs that they too might leave.