Please don’t get tired of me.

It happens every time. People lose interest in me. They get tired of me. Suddenly, they don’t bother hitting me up anymore. The conversations become shorter. They forget about me and I just become a distant memory. I wonder if it’s my fault sometimes. But then I realise that people never stay in my life. And there’s nothing I can do about it.

Lately I feel like I’m just drifting through life like a weary soul casting through the motions of living. I’m filled with contradictions. I want to grow up to understand my full potential, yet at the same time I want to be a carefree child again with no responsibilities to worry about. I’m probably indecisive due to the fact there are so many different paths my life can take.   

This is me.

I try and plan everything for the future. Also for the next couple of months and for the next day even.. this is me. But at the same time as each day goes by, I tell myself what ever happens, happens. If my way doesn’t go according to my plans, then there’s always going to be another way. Maybe even a better way.

There was once when I tried so hard to fit in the crowd and be someone I'm not. But then I hit my head hard and realised that fitting in is highly overrated. I'd rather just fit out... Fitting out means being who you are, even when people insist that you have to change. Fitting out means taking space, not apologising for being yourself, and not agreeing with those who seek to label you with stereotypes.

In a sad, vaguely nostalgic kind of way, I sort of feel a lil better when I no longer find people that I was interested in or that I once dated to be attractive whatsoever anymore. It makes me feel like I’m getting on with things.

Do you ever get in one of those moods where you’re like feeling okay but you’re really sad at the same time and you just want to talk to someone and make them hug you but you feel annoying so you kind of just sit there being really sad?

Dear my reflection,

You are still pretty unhappy, aren't you?
I am sorry for being so hard on you sometimes. I am sorry for everything you have been through this year. But through all the countless road trips we have made through together, led us to stronger built walls. Let’s make next year a better one. Let’s make your own path that you can follow in life, however, let’s make sure it is the one you can live with.

Someday you are going to be as genuine and content like you were before. Maybe happiness will intertwine with you again. Maybe you've forgotten. Maybe you've both met before. But this time, I promise I am here to remind you of the better days that are ahead. I am here to teach you how to live again, to continue to smile and slowly finally to recognising it.

Love,
Me.

It’s only 50 days before 2016 and I feel like the only thing I’ve done this year was disappoint everyone including myself.

I’m sorry family and friends if one day soon you’ll find me cold and out of breaths. I just can’t get it together and I’m tired of constantly fighting myself, lying to myself, and feeling this way. There is no moving on for me. I just want out. And I’m almost ready to let go of this life. I need help. I just don’t know when… I’ll put myself out of my misery. I cannot hold on much longer.. 

It's funny how the human mind works.

I can say I am never the strongest person when it comes to my own personal feelings about situations. I just work it off with a smile and keep it all bottled inside and hope that everything will pass and I won’t have the slightest re-collection of it.

It seems like I’ve bottled enough up inside of me that my mind can no longer take it; I need to let it all out.. and I have, through dreams.
I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night, as I try to settle my mind to fall asleep once more, I remember what had just happened a few second before I was woken from my sleep, what I was able to achieve. Although it was a dream I feel better already :)

If only dreams were a reality; I would have the hardest part over and done with.