Have you ever felt?

To the point where you don’t even know where you stand.
Mixed emotions just rushing up your adrenaline yet you don’t know what to even think of it. Everything seems to be in a big question mark but you sit there, questioning the questions. Where the world is just continuously revolving around the sun in perfect harmony and you’re the spectacle that’s floating somewhere in space. If only you could come close to grasping that feeling of assurance. Craving for it, yearning for that ground you wish to find where you know where you even are.
Then you realise, you’re still in that same position…. just... lost.

I need a drunk conversation with you. A drunk mind speaks a sober heart, so maybe that’s the only way I’ll be able to spill out my feelings for you, since I find it so hard for me to talk about them regularly.

That feel when.. results come out that all the things you felt.. actually matched to a disorder. Neither shocked nor relieved, but it was just like a sense of conformation that I wasn't going crazy and what I've been feeling all along - I wasn't alone.

Friends who are close to me, which I'm glad they're still here sticking along, had mostly *almost always* asked me "Have you recovered?"  then I would always say, "What does that mean?"

If they meant, "Am I back to where I was before that?" I have to say no, and I never will be. I am not the same person - I was an open book, of being that sunflower girl with her arms stretched so wide that everyone thought she wanted to hug the Earth. I would always wore my heart over my shirt instead of under it. I left her - and her trust, her innocence, her simplicity. I had to in order to survive. What happened has changed me forever.

You know what breaks my heart?

When your friends feel threatened by you. When they feel that you are getting “popular” and that you are becoming a threat. But why? Why does everyone care so much about “popularity.” It’s the internet. I don’t stream for the numbers, the views, the count, the money or the fame. I stream because I enjoy doing it. I do it because I want to. I do it because it keeps me company, and with that experience I am able to meet so many people and grow. It’s really sad to get a message from one of them, and hearing about how I make them feel. Those were never my intentions at all to “steal viewers.” It hurts a lot. Sometimes I feel so bad to the point where I just want to quit everything. I don’t want anyone to stop streaming because of me. I came into this community trying to make it better, but here I am getting judged and blamed for. I can’t even talk to my close friends because they probably think the same.

It also hurts that my dearest close friends think so low of me. It hurts. It hurts that some people think I am using people as well. I am not that kind of person. I’ve been nothing but kind. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t as nice because people just start stepping all over me. I thought my good friends would know me by now, but I guess I am just left in disappointment.

Whenever I happen to come across something involving death, it makes me realise again how short life is. It makes me realise how invulnerable we think we all are. We sometimes have this tendency to believe that just because we are young, we won’t expect death anytime soon. I mean, we can never predict when it’s our turn, we can never predict the circumstances of death. You should cherish your friends and family, and not when you saw someone who just passed away. But because you should have been already cherishing them in the first place. Remember to cherish what you have and never take advantage of it. You never know if you might be that person one day, or someone you’ll know of. I could never imagine myself dying, or losing someone so special to me. It might be just another death to you, because everyone dies and it’s normal; but to people whom are close to them, it’s more than that, its a great loss. I went to a funeral service today for my piano teacher, she was a lovely lady who introduced me to a whole new world of music - gave me the opportunities and many chances to perform in concerts (from a small gathering of 20 to about 200 in a concert hall), perform in competitions and just from these, it has partially made me to who I am today. She'll be greatly missed but her memories live with me, her family and friends forever.
So live your life with no regrets, forgive people, forget things, have fun.
Life’s too short, death is unexpected.

"What happens if you fall in love with a writer? Lots of things might happen. That’s the thing about writers. They’re unpredictable. They might bring you eggs in bed for breakfast, or they might all but ignore you for days. They might bring you eggs in bed at three in the morning. Or they might wake you up for sex at three in the morning. Or make love at four in the afternoon. They might not sleep at all. Or they might sleep right through the alarm and forget to get you up for work. Or call you home from work to kill a spider. Or refuse to speak to you after finding out you've never read "To Kill A Mockingbird". Or spend the last of the rent money on five kinds of soap. Or sell your textbooks for cash halfway through the semester. Or leave you love notes in your pockets. Or wash you pants with Post-It notes in the pockets so your laundry comes out covered in bits of wet paper. They might cry if the Post-It notes are unread all over your pants. It’s an unpredictable life.

But what happens if a writer falls in love with you?

This is a little more predictable. You will find your hemp necklace with the glass mushroom pendant around the neck of someone at a bus stop in a short story. Your favorite shoes will mysteriously disappear, and show up in a poem. The watch you always wear, the watch you own but never wear, the fact that you've never worn a watch: they suddenly belong to characters you've never known. And yet they’re you. They’re not you; they’re someone else entirely, but they toss their hair like you. They use the same colloquialisms as you. They scratch their nose when they lie like you. Sometimes they will be narrators; sometimes protagonists, sometimes villains. Sometimes they will be nobodies, an unimportant, static prop. This might amuse you at first. Or confuse you. You might be bewildered when books turn into mirrors. You might try to see yourself how your beloved writer sees you when you read a poem about someone who has your middle name or prose about someone who has never read "To Kill A Mockingbird". These poems and novels and short stories, they will scatter into the wind. You will wonder if you’re wandering through the pages of some story you've never even read. There’s no way to know. And no way to erase it. Even if you leave, a part of you will always be left behind. If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die."

Disappointed in myself for missing you.

I’m sorry that I’m still writing about you even when it was I who said goodbye once again. I’m sorry that you’re still my last thought of the day. I’m sorry that a part of me still wishes to see more messages from you. I’m sorry that I still find myself tearing up. I’m sorry that I was just too much. I’m sorry for not being good enough. I’m sorry for still staying when I told you I had walked out the door.

I wish I never liked you.

"I don't want to fall in love anymore."

People say they don’t want to fall in love because they don’t want to deal with the heartbreak and pain all over again like last time. However, if you continue to keep that security blanket on you and never take it off, how are you meant to find that special person who’s not going to “break your heart.” It’s all about taking a risk. As corny as this might sound, but isn’t the risk worth it if you give yourself the chance to be a step closer to finding “the one?” 

The process of liking someone is like an ongoing cycle that repeats itself. 
Someone who I didn't know, becomes someone I know, who later becomes someone I once knew and in the end, that someone becomes someone who I’d give my all to forget.