We were like strangers who knew each other very well.

Time passed so quickly when your plate is busy with uni, work, friends and family.... and I realised it has been a year since I had called it off, I just couldn't believed it *wow* And seriously, so much has happened too. It's crazy!!

**AND before you start assuming whether I'm being sappy or not, I'm actually just writing what I feel, I feel like sharing this (when so many of you asked me what exactly happened then, and yes, it had been quite a damn long time already, I've reached to the point where I'm fine to share the story with you all)**

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"Be friends" you said after we broke up. Then, you offered me two choices - for you to stay or leave. At that time, there was a tiny piece in me that regretted this decision, but then, there's another proportion that was telling me that I'm doing the right thing, as I'll be too selfish if I had asked you to stay.

Throughout this whole time, I found myself again and again wanting to chat with you like how we used to, but then I resist, because I remember that you're a different person now.

At first I wasn't use to it, but later as time progresses on, I guess I got used to it. To not calling you mine. To not being there for each other. I guess I got used to this routine. Perhaps you felt the same way then, or maybe you've finally moved on and found someone way better than me.

We went through many stages. From strangers, to lovers, back to strangers, then friends and to some acquaintances.. and strangers at last.

"How ironic it is that we all started as strangers and we end up as strangers too"

I read an online article on: how the people we once loved become strangers again.

When love becomes loved. And everything became used to be, it doesn't mean that everything is forgotten. It doesn't make you forget about their birthdays or forget the things they do for you.

But somehow you realised that. Love itself is not enough to keep two people together. A lot of things require more than just feelings. I may still love him. But. I may never want to be together with him anymore.

What's the point of forcing two people together, if we're never gonna reach that point of consensus that both of us agrees to.

You may be perfect in so many ways, but your imperfection outweighs all of the rest. Always know that. When someone doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be, never settle for something lesser.

Maturing as time goes by. Meeting new people, talking to new people. New changes have occurred but I guess that’s life, right? Not everything is perfect, not everything is the same. It just sucks because I miss talking to a lot of people I wish I didn't grew apart from.

At times I wanted to message him, but then I didn't know if I really should and I didn't want to bother him. I have always wanted to let him know what we had mean so much to me, but it's way too late to say that anyways.... I guess I just wanna say I wish all the best for him in life (though I really do not think he will even read this).

I still have nights where I can't sleep, where I just drown in my emotions and thoughts. And if you are friends with me on WeChat, you will definitely know by the amount of spam I update on moments :3
To be honest, I still think about him (where I know it's unhealthy to do so, but that's alright, because I realised it's fine to reminisce about the past)

I am that kind of person that tends to think about my past a lot.
From reminiscing everything, to regretting my decisions/choices to questioning myself: why? 
And then I get all sad and depress. Tears then finally come out. But we can't do anything right? Because besides crying, I can't do anything, there's no reverse button in life, I can't go back.
All there's left is nothing but memories.

But lately, well exactly 2 days ago, he started talking to me again. He asked the same question again, I haven't even answer yet, eventhough I know what answer am I already going to give him, but I just don't have that courage to say it. Sometimes I really do hate myself for that x.x
Should I follow my heart?
Should I give us another chance? 

I see people get into a relationship and last for months and even years. I think to myself “Yeah, they’re definitely meant for each other. I will be there for their wedding.”
And then out of the blue, they break up and it’s like what the hell? WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED.
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There has always been a question at the back of my mind to why? Why does the longer the relationship is, the more likely it is to breakup? To what reason... that lead to the end..? Like I know the typical reasons could be people cheat, people change, people lost interest, but are there more to it? I believe there is no single, easy answer to this question.

I think one of the major reason that contributes to "why" is that people change. It's true, our priorities change, our desires change and our perspective of happiness changes.
The things that are important to us at 20 are not the same as they are at 30, 40 or 50. Older couples find that, after 30 years of working and other commitments, they may have little in common. Life changes affect people differently. I also heard that children change everything. Most of the long-term relationships I know that broke up because, after lust wore off and the children stopped needing care all the time, the two parents looked at each other and realised they simply didn't like each other all that much as people, or they wanted completely different things for themselves.

I am definitely not an expert in breaking up after long relationships (well not that I have even ever has experienced one yet) but as long as my mind is speculating around here on this topic, I would like to explore and place my bet on the idea of "why" it could be is: the feeling that we are missing out on something because of the relationship. 

That something could be dreams, travel, adventure, career, a desire etc. Ultimately everyone is looking for happiness and we all have different ways of finding it. Sometimes we feel that this relationship may not be our best path to it and we choose to break-up.

Apologies if this is too dumb and open-ended question, but at my age (20) and lack of life experience, I just can't get my head around it. I understand that there will be quite a lot of different responses, and it's the range of experiences that I'm interested in hearing/knowing/reading. The issue(s) that ended the relationship 0 did they arise unexpectedly? Or did you always sort of know? I have this morbid curiosity to know what can make something really really good evaporate into nothing.

What do YOU think? I would love to hear any thoughts :D

I can’t wait to drive.

Then I’ll be able to go wherever I want to go, without having to depend on someone else. I don’t have to wait on others, and I get to decide when to arrive or leave somewhere. Getting to places won’t be such a hassle anymore. God, life would be so much more interesting when I have my own car.

Things to achieve in 2015:

Good morning everyone :) Been quite busy lately with working and all, finally get to seat down in front of my laptop, fully energized should I say, to type out this post.... It's never too late to share my wanting-to-achieve list for this year right?
Here goes haha, hope y'all enjoy :) *in no particular order*
*I too also typed this in full chinese in my chinese blog: click HERE*

1) 学会认错: Learn to admit wrong

常常不肯认错, 凡事都说是别人的错, 认为自己才是对的, 其实不认错就是一个错。认错的对象可以是父母, 朋友, 社会大众等等。向对我不好的人认错, 自己不但不会少了什么, 反而显得你有度量。学习认错是美好的，是一个大修行。
We are humans, we don't "normally" admit ourselves being wrong, instead we shift the blame to someone/something else right? Eventhough sometimes we know that we ourselves are the wrong ones yet, we don't admit we made that mistakes. That someone we often point the blame to, could be our parents, friends, the community etc. To me, a person who admits the mistake himself/herself doesn't make him/her weak! It makes you awesome, in more serious words, a person with a good measure. It even takes tremendous courage and strength to mumble out the words of "I was wrong and I am sorry", let alone to speak it out.
Learning to admit is good practice and by saying that, I too am still learning.

2) 学会放下: Learn to let go

人生像一只皮箱, 需要用的时候提起, 不用的时就把它放下, 应放下的时候, 却不放下, 就像拖着沉重的行李, 无法自在。人生的岁月有限, 认错, 尊重, 包容才能让人接受, 放下才自在啊！
Life is like a suitcase. When we need it aka for travelling purpose, we dig it out and use it, but when we finish our vacation, we put it aside. If the vacation has already ended yet we're still in the "holiday" mood, carrying the suitcase won't do us much good right? Life has limits, meaning if it's the time to let go, it really is the time to do so.
I guess this is the most important one for me. Letting go has always been my weakness. I'm not the type of person who can easily forget and let go because of the fact that I don't do things half-heartedly. There's no gray area. I either bare all or I don't at all.

3) 学会珍惜: Learn to appreciate

学会珍惜, 因为现在得到的都是最美好的。愛情, 友情也好, 很多時候散了就散了。
當初要好的時候, 他也曾把心託付給我，是我自己不好好珍惜。心胸寬大一點, 世界就會美好一點。
We all know that life is short. Who knows what will happen next? Whether it be relationship or friendship, if it has ended, let it be. He whom gave his whole to me, yet I didn't appreciate this and passed it as a joking matter as I was too young, too immature and hence took him for granted. Now to think of it, this has always reminded me how stupid and ungrateful I was, and why it's useless for me now to be regretting over this matter. Hopefully, at the end of this year, I will gradually learn to be even more open-minded, as being so, will let me see the world in a more positive way and more appreciative of what I have right now.

4) 学会别轻易放弃: Learn to not give up easily

做人千万别轻易放弃! 因为你有了第一次, 也许会有第二次, 也许你的人生就会习惯于知难而退, 可是如果你克服过去, 你的人生就会习惯于迎风破浪地前进, 看着只是一个简单的选择, 其实影响非常大, 会使你走向截然不同的人生。
This was what I learnt last year, if you have seen my confession post (LINK), you would roughly know what I went through, if you didn't or you have forgot, basically at one time, I completely lost hope and I gave up on living. Luckily and fortunately, I passed that stage, with the help and support from my family and friends. From that, I learnt that life is short, once you made a no-return choice, that is it, hence the point I made above: appreciate life.

5) 学会自强: Learn to be strong

要知道没有人必须在你需要的时候帮你, 只有你自己, 所以让自己独立, 坚强, 快乐, 幸福, 才是你需要做的, 毕竟只有自己和你生死与共, 休戚相关。
Sometimes being strong is the only choice when you're left alone in your own world. Because after all, eventhough we came into this world surrounded by family, but when we leave, we leave alone. Only we ourselves, when learn to bear, can make ourselves more independent, more strong and more happier.

6) 学会拒绝别人: Learn how to say "No"

拒绝别人 - 勇于说 “不”, 该出“口”时要出“口” 。
To me, it's not that I'm afraid to say no, but there has always been another side *well to be exact, a rebellious side* of me that asks, "what if you say yes? what will happen? Say yessss" and probes me to do so. I realised by doing this, I have hurt people along the way. I felt bad as in most cases, I was only fooling around while the opposite party was actually serious. This year, I'm going to try to stand firm on my decision to say no and try not to fool around anymore as I do not want to hurt people anymore..

And lastly....

7) 学会成长: Grow up

人生, 总有一些路, 要独立去走; 总有一些事情, 要独立去做。每一种经历, 都是一次自我修炼, 只有接受洗礼, 才能真正学会坚强 。其实, 人生中的每一段经历都只为成长, 开心也好, 苦楚也罢, 都要感谢经历！
I'm sure we have all heard that growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional right haha?
Following on what I said above about learning to say no, I think I have reach to the point where all the foolish things I have done in the past few years have really affected me to where I am right now. All those little mistakes and changes have shaped me "me" and altered my perspectives on various aspects of my life. After all, the experiences we gained along the way add up to our grow-up process, our experiences are what we are made up of.

PS. I wouldn't really categorised this list as my resolutions of 2015, as to me, "resolution" is just a really common word for people to use to motivate themselves to change for that particular year, where in fact, we change little by little everyday, whether we notice or not.

I shall see you all in my next post :)

Love,
Velene xoxo

The darkest fear of mine is being afraid of the dark.

No, I’m not afraid of lights getting turned off or the sky darkening. I’m more afraid of what the dark has to offer than darkness itself. What I fear is a quiet room filled with complete emptiness, unwanted memories, broken thoughts and lingering feelings. 
It’s like a never ending battle, the dark is the predictor and I’m the pray. 
Every night, I lay there, awaiting in my bed as the dark devours me. I wait for my mind to transform into a maze, with no place to escape and nowhere to hide. 
And when this all takes place, there’s nothing else I can possibly do, except to close my eyes and wish for a brighter day.

Having a unique name is interesting because it allows me not to trust people who claim to know me yet can’t spell my name or pronounce it.

As much as I like talking to you, I've been feeling like I’m becoming a bother. Maybe I’ll just take a step back, give you some room to breathe and see if you notice my disappearance.

I think uni changed my perspective on a lot of things. If you knew me back in highschool and met me now, you would not even think we were the same person. But I honestly don’t think I've changed much at all.
Maybe it was because I was caught up in being someone I thought people expected me to be. You go to school with the same people for years and after awhile you become something they just know you by. You don’t change. If you do, it becomes a big ordeal and people question it.
I was molded into a person I thought I should be simply because I wanted to please people. I’m so glad I’m over that though. 

Can't believed I dreamed about you last night.... it all felt so real. I woke up, disappointed that it was just a figment of my imagination and disappointed in myself for actually missing you.

Gahh really do not know why I've been thinking about you so much lately T.T
It has been ages since we last talked... why is this feeling of uneasiness coming back all of a sudden??

Sometimes I get the urge to talk to you but I hold back because I remember that you are a different person now. I look at the sky often and I'm hoping that from wherever you are, you're looking at it too.