I see people get into a relationship and last for months and even years. I think to myself “Yeah, they’re definitely meant for each other. I will be there for their wedding.”
And then out of the blue, they break up and it’s like what the hell? WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED.
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There has always been a question at the back of my mind to why? Why does the longer the relationship is, the more likely it is to breakup? To what reason... that lead to the end..? Like I know the typical reasons could be people cheat, people change, people lost interest, but are there more to it? I believe there is no single, easy answer to this question.
I think one of the major reason that contributes to "why" is that people change. It's true, our priorities change, our desires change and our perspective of happiness changes.
The things that are important to us at 20 are not the same as they are at 30, 40 or 50. Older couples find that, after 30 years of working and other commitments, they may have little in common. Life changes affect people differently. I also heard that children change everything. Most of the long-term relationships I know that broke up because, after lust wore off and the children stopped needing care all the time, the two parents looked at each other and realised they simply didn't like each other all that much as people, or they wanted completely different things for themselves.
I am definitely not an expert in breaking up after long relationships (well not that I have even ever has experienced one yet) but as long as my mind is speculating around here on this topic, I would like to explore and place my bet on the idea of "why" it could be is: the feeling that we are missing out on something because of the relationship.
That something could be dreams, travel, adventure, career, a desire etc. Ultimately everyone is looking for happiness and we all have different ways of finding it. Sometimes we feel that this relationship may not be our best path to it and we choose to break-up.
Apologies if this is too dumb and open-ended question, but at my age (20) and lack of life experience, I just can't get my head around it. I understand that there will be quite a lot of different responses, and it's the range of experiences that I'm interested in hearing/knowing/reading. The issue(s) that ended the relationship 0 did they arise unexpectedly? Or did you always sort of know? I have this morbid curiosity to know what can make something really really good evaporate into nothing.
What do YOU think? I would love to hear any thoughts :D
And then out of the blue, they break up and it’s like what the hell? WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED.
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There has always been a question at the back of my mind to why? Why does the longer the relationship is, the more likely it is to breakup? To what reason... that lead to the end..? Like I know the typical reasons could be people cheat, people change, people lost interest, but are there more to it? I believe there is no single, easy answer to this question.
I think one of the major reason that contributes to "why" is that people change. It's true, our priorities change, our desires change and our perspective of happiness changes.
The things that are important to us at 20 are not the same as they are at 30, 40 or 50. Older couples find that, after 30 years of working and other commitments, they may have little in common. Life changes affect people differently. I also heard that children change everything. Most of the long-term relationships I know that broke up because, after lust wore off and the children stopped needing care all the time, the two parents looked at each other and realised they simply didn't like each other all that much as people, or they wanted completely different things for themselves.
I am definitely not an expert in breaking up after long relationships (well not that I have even ever has experienced one yet) but as long as my mind is speculating around here on this topic, I would like to explore and place my bet on the idea of "why" it could be is: the feeling that we are missing out on something because of the relationship.
That something could be dreams, travel, adventure, career, a desire etc. Ultimately everyone is looking for happiness and we all have different ways of finding it. Sometimes we feel that this relationship may not be our best path to it and we choose to break-up.
Apologies if this is too dumb and open-ended question, but at my age (20) and lack of life experience, I just can't get my head around it. I understand that there will be quite a lot of different responses, and it's the range of experiences that I'm interested in hearing/knowing/reading. The issue(s) that ended the relationship 0 did they arise unexpectedly? Or did you always sort of know? I have this morbid curiosity to know what can make something really really good evaporate into nothing.
What do YOU think? I would love to hear any thoughts :D
Same! Recently, someone I know broke up with their boyfriend of 5 years. The first thing that came to my mind was "what makes you realise that the relationship is no good after 5 years, that you couldn't have known at, say, 2 or 3 years?" I would too also love to see if anyone answers and share their experiences :)
ReplyDelete:)
Delete"found someone better"
ReplyDelete"bored"
"too young to commit"
"you're not who you were" etc.
The reasons you mentioned in your post - all of those are common and it's damn right that people change. They change a LOT over the 20-25 years as far as I'm concerned. Each year you kind of reinvent yourself unintentionally. People realise they do and do not want things they thought they did - looks vs. stability vs. "nice" vs. outgoing etc. Nothing you can predict, other than adapting and understanding between the both of you if you're still committed. Well written too, to hear your thoughts :)
ReplyDeletethankyou for dropping by too, Jane :) x
DeleteTake a look at all human relationships and ask why they don't stay exactly the same forever. Some people are close to their siblings when they're young but not so when they're older. Why? Why do friends fall out of touch? As you have mentioned, the answer is simple, change. Life as we know is full of it. So you might as well ask why long-term relationships ever stay together. And as near as I can tell, the best answer to that question is: kids. It's strange, but we feel the need to give kids a stable upbringing and shield them against the change that comes from their parents splitting up, just like we shield them from everything else in life. It usually requires moving heaven and earth to keep a relationship together.
ReplyDeleteSince you said you want to hear people’s experiences, here is mine. I was in a relationship for almost seven years. I started seeing him before I turned 17, and he was 24. Without getting too into it too much (because it's a really long story), I was very sheltered growing up. I wasn't allowed to do a lot of stuff, and I didn't know about a lot of stuff = naïve and the amount of stuff i knew about sex = zero. I was very much a child then. He was my first relationship. I was so excited that someone had actually liked me. We didn't have sex regularly - maybe twice a month, but I didn't know that that wasn't normal. It was almost like I lived with my older brother. There were no signs of affection at all - he said he loved me, but I think he said it because he felt he had to. He didn't hug me, didn't kiss me, and the sex wasn't really that great. This may sound very naive, but no one ever told me that I could leave if I wasn't happy. I knew that if he beat me, or talked down to me, or whatever else, that I could leave - I knew it was ok then. But no one ever said to me, "You can leave because you're unhappy." Long story short - we were two completely different people at the beginning, and we grew apart. It also didn't help matters that he was my very first ANYTHING, so I looked to him to be a mentor/lover. And at the same time, he just wanted a girlfriend. To this day, I still can't tell you if he loved me or not. But I did love him. I wouldn't trade that whole experience for anything. Don't be scared of taking a chance because you're scared of heartbreak. Yeah, heartbreak hurts like hell... but if love was the same slow tempo throughout its course, you'd get tired of dancing after the sixth song and go find another club.
ReplyDeleteI assume this is what is meant by "outgrowing" each other. I think of it like a year at school: You needed 8th-grade English, presumably. But you don't need to repeat it for the rest of your life. Sometimes relationships exist so that you can work through certain issues, and then... that's it.
ReplyDeleteWeird. About the only thing I've learned from my wife is complete love.
ReplyDeleteWe've both changed remarkably over the past twenty years. Whatever my changes, she loves me wholly. And I love the ways that she has changed: she has grown to become a very good person. Heck, I support her in changing, and encourage what I feel is good, so it's rather self-reinforcing: I love what I have and I have what I love.
It takes a lot of work.
awwwws :') couples like you and your wife make me still believe in that long term relationships still exist and are possible xx
DeleteWell. Now that I'm completely unconfident about my 2+ year long relationship...
ReplyDeleteSo many reasons. Sometimes people enter a relationship with an unrealistic/mistaken view of who the other person is. You'll be surprised at how long it is possible to maintain such comforting illusions. Thus when they crumble, a relationship will end. Though not all have illusions, other reasons could simply be "get bored" with the very things they initially found so attractive in their partner, and insupportably irritated by the things they used to be willing to overlook. This is common. That sweet little habit she has? Man, that gets old when you're seeing it in 5 years. Those charming, witty, personal compliments he told which so seduced you in the early years? Damn, they're pretty boring the fiftieth time you hear the same one. And isn't it pathetic the way the details change slightly with each re-telling? The guy obviously makes much of it up. How sad. I know it sucks. You tell me every damned day. For years. Sometimes people put off properly discussing things which are absolutely vital to know before entering a long-term relationship. Do you want kids? Ever? "Maybe", isn't good enough. "Probably" isn't good enough. Peoples' ideas of what they want from life can change - esp at your age. In fact, when we're in our teens and early twenties it's virtually guaranteed. This is why so few of our early "serious" relationships last for life. In our twenties we're still figuring things out, still feeling our way into life. If we're lucky we can do that with a partner, although it'll take typically, some pretty major accommodations on both sides. But more often we're likely to move apart. Talk to any 40-year old and ask them if they're still with the person they were serious about when they were 21. The vast majority will not be. And sometimes people fall in love with someone else. This is easy, because a new person has all the fascination and freshness which made you fall in love with your current partner... before it became tired and thoroughly familiar. It's nice to get that crazy rush again. Irresistible, to some people. Relationships are hard, and luck plays a much bigger part than most of us like to believe.
ReplyDeletemy perspective comes from the relationships I've seen fail when they are in their twenties, like I am. I assume that most people get less stupid about relationships when they get older.
ReplyDeletethat is very true indeed that people mature as they get older and organise things more wisely :)
DeleteMy sister just split with her 6 years boyfriend. Her words, "It was about time to think about marriage but we felt more like really good friends rather than lovers."
ReplyDeletefaded chemistry and different paths!
ReplyDelete