I feel like I am stuck in the darkness, waiting for you to reach out for me and bring me back into the light. But then I remember, you’re not here anymore.

We haven’t talked in a while.

I guess you could say you still cross my mind from time to time. But it’s different now. It’s not of love or a sense of I miss you. It’s a thought of wonder of how are you and what have you been up to lately. 
In a way it’s good for both of us. 
But I miss familiarity, to just have a conversation with someone who knows the person you are behind all the masks.

Disappointed in myself for missing you.

I’m sorry that I’m still writing about you even when it was I who said goodbye once again. I’m sorry that you’re still my last thought of the day. I’m sorry that a part of me still wishes to see more messages from you. I’m sorry that I still find myself tearing up. I’m sorry that I was just too much. I’m sorry for not being good enough. I’m sorry for still staying when I told you I had walked out the door.

I wish I never liked you.

It was magical while it lasted and I’ll never forget it but..
I’m not dwelling on it anymore. This is it. I have to put a stop to this. I have to stop thinking about you. It’s draining me and I am getting reminded all the time of how immature I was to think that escaping is the solution. I’m moving on to the next chapter.

I admit it, I’m attached to you. Guilty as charged.

Even if we can’t be together in the end, I’m glad you were apart of my life.
How did I let myself get so attached?

R E L A P S E S.

When I thought I’ve grown stronger, it comes right back hitting me in the face. It controls me in ways that I don’t want it to. It lets me become numb to physical pain. It lets me harm myself. People tell me to grow up, to accept it, but that’s because they don’t know how this feels. They don’t know how it feels to hurt to the point of physically hurting yourself to cover up that pain. They will never understand.

Disappointed in myself for missing you.

Final choice.

4th July 2015: Though I admit, I said goodbye to you so many times, but today is the day..  Goodbye. Again. For the final time.

Quote of the day: "There are people we can't live without, but have to let go."

Monday thoughts.

"Day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different."

I now truly understand what they meant by that time heals and change everything. From what was once so major back then to now, worth little or nothing.
Back then, when I missed you, I looked back on our conversations - I reminisced the good times and then I wondered what led from texting everyday to nothing.
But now.
As I casually scrolled back our old conversations, I don't feel the way I felt anymore in the past. Even just by reading few messages, I stopped, I couldn't even continue to read anymore and it's not because I felt heartbroken to read anymore but I felt sick to the stomach and wondered why I wrote and think the way I did then.
And I realised time inevitably made me grew and experiences changed me.

I am still the same me, but now more capable to know the differences between what's right for me, what is something I should never get close to and what is something that if I touch once, I should never touch it again.

We are never ever getting back together.

I don't know what got me today.. I somehow had the courage to type out a message to him - literally telling him along the line that I don't feel the same way as he had for me (anymore)... which was true but I didn't feel that kind of vibe coming at me and that I had actually conveyed that meaning (directly) in just few lines... I haven't been this straightforward for such a long time...
But all this contributes to the experiences I have been through.... I've been hurt before. I've been a victim before when I was too nice. Me being victimized still haunt me when I sleep.
For one time, I ain't nice. Not to anyone anymore. And same to him.
Being nice just land me in a place full of trouble, heartache, deceit and lies.
I felt like it's the time that I really move forward and embrace whatever life has to offer right now.
To be honest, when he didn't reply to my message, I felt terrible, my mind was literally shouting at me, "Dude, what have you done? Your direct message must have hurt him and that shutted him up!" But the terrible-ness I felt was like a minute until it kicks in that why should I care.
If I had care, I wouldn't have said it right?

We drifted. I tried. You didn’t. I’m tired. Goodbye.

And somehow this quote reminded me:

“Sometimes you tell someone to never call you again, and then the phone rings and you hope it’s them. It’s the most twisted logic of all time.” - John Mayer

It's pretty much like the same logic, except this time is completely different.
I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore.
What I said was irreversible.
But I can do this.
I can pull this through.
And as one of my best friends said, all it takes is just to believe in yourself that there's a rainbow and light at the end of the tunnel.

A list on how to try to get over them:

Before I start listing, below's the 10 tips I have compiled for YOU to get over your ex, whether you've been dumped or initiated the broke up...

1) CRY it out as much as you can!! It's good for you! Let it all out while you can.

2) Keep in mind that this is temporary and that time can heal. But. If you're not a believer in time being the healer, then keep in mind that time inevitably replaces old memories with new ones.

3) You are BETTER without them. MUCH BETTER without them. When you start believing that you need someone else in order to function, that's when you lost yourself in someone else.

4) This probably may not be your first devastating loss, but it is DEFINITELY NOT your last one either. There are MORE to come. This is a bit discouraging to hear, but you have to UNDERSTAND that you can't avoid loss. You will continue to lose over and over again, but it is MORE about how YOU handle yourself and MAINTAIN composure in the midst of such loss.

5) Sometimes you have just to FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT! Cry when you need to BUT REMEMBER that the energy you have is the energy that also affects other people. Don't drown yourself in sadness. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP. But don't be afraid to ask for the sympathy of others whenever you need it.

6) BLAST THOSE FUCKING BREAKUP JAMS and instantly repair your ego.

7) SURROUND yourself with the people that know you DESERVE so much better than them and you can get through this with their support.

8) DON'T KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THEM. Don't check their social networks. Cleanse them out of your life. They say it takes 3 months of absolutely no communication to be able to let go and forgive. With that being said, it's going to be THE MOST PAINFUL 3 MONTHS OF YOUR LIFE. But it will work to your advantage in the long run.

9) DON'T GROW BITTER. The last thing you want to do is SHUT the rest of the world out and reject future opportunities with someone that could treat you WAY BETTER than they ever did.

10) DON'T find "quick fixes" to ease the pain. That vodka shot or that temporary high won't make you FORGET them forever. LEARN TO LOVE AGAIN. Love is a losing game, but you always have to get back in it. I'm not saying have another relationship instantly, BUT LEARN to open up again :)

And lastly, GOOD LUCK :)

Love,
Velene xoxo

Dream.

I rarely dream. But when I do. It's not a good sign. Because... *I don't really want to sound really psychic or creepy here*, but somehow what I dreamed.. it happens.

For the past 3 nights, eventhough I have been sleeping quite late around 3am because of studying and waking up around 7am to continue this routine, I dreamed consecutively and it's all on that one person. Him.

I have no idea how he appeared in my dream for the past 3 nights when he wasn't in my mind lately.

I brushed it off after first night but as the 2nd and 3rd dreams came, both were so vivid that I myself, am creeped out.

The thing is we haven't even met yet... but the most strangest and weirdest fact is that what occurred in the dreams, were what we planned to do - which was to meet-up.
And in the dream, it was during the meet-up that he said something that was unexpected (but was expected, it was just that I never knew he would say it kinda gist) - and it felt so surreal that my heart ached, I felt myself crying in the dream and I too woke up crying.

But.. what was the ache for?

I thought my feelings for him faded in this 1.5 year period, in which I have nearly made myself to believe that.. until he appears again out of the blue, was it then a reminder that my heart still yearns for him.... even up until now.. despite so many things had happened? 

First Love.

That's exactly what they are. They are the ones that introduced you to everything, made you love them, and loved you back..
*And no, I'm not being miserable and sappy here, I'm just writing what's in my mind currently*
Your first love made you crazy and confused the hell out of you. It's freaking amazing though because it's your first time. Your first love brought chances in your life.
And when it's over. No matter how hurt you are, you'll always love them. Always. They'll stay with you forever. And not only will you not notice it, but deep down you will compare every other person to them. And none of them will live up, because that person was your first love.
Then after months of letting go, when you finally think you are okay with letting them go, they'll text, or you'll hear "your" song, or something that reminds you of how much they meant and how much you really loved them and realise you're not completely over this person as much as you hoped.

And sometimes when I see couples who are each other's first love and have been together for quite some time through all the ups and downs, I feel sad. But that doesn't mean I haven't let go or haven't moved on, it simply means I've experienced loss which means I've experienced life.

First love is unforgettable.

Source: The Heirs :')

The problem with me is that no matter how bad I want to talk to you, I'll never make the first move because I have too much pride and I’m stubborn as fuck.

Had a dnm talk with one of my baes recently about this, she is the first person to give me a totally different advice on how to approach this X situation, from her advices, they definitely reinforced my views and certain beliefs, for example, what passed was the past. Continuing to live every day to the fullest as it's a blessing to be alive in this world x

PS. Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!
PPS. I did a review on Laneige Power Essential Skin Refiner on my beauty blog!
PPPS. I too did a snack review of Tokyo Banana Original!

Have fun reading! ;)

I want to talk to you.

I want to at least ask you how you have been. I just want our communication back but what I’m afraid is, how will you react? Will you snob me off after a few words? Will you talk to me like I’m a stranger? Will you even reply back? Probably not. If you wanted to know how I’ve been, you would’ve asked me already.

Scrolling through old text messages between this guy and I at this late of the night. Feeling the sadness, emotions and mixed feelings spread once more through my bones. Memories overwhelm me. At this time of the night, they tale control and the sadness focuses on you...

It's actually so alarming to see how I myself replied/reacted to certain sensitive topics 2 years ago compared to how I would face them now... I realised I have changed/grown up. I can't believe I actually was so naive back then... I can't believe back then I overreacted to even such "normal" stuff and made several fusses...

Been missing someone a lot lately... he has been on my mind like 24/7, even the songs in my iPod playlist somehow relates back to what happened between us. I do admit though for countless times that I wanted to just text him a "I miss you" text but I ended up deleting every letter I typed... because it hit me why is it impossible for us to get back together anymore and more importantly, what made me step back in the beginning.
They say time heals everything. Why isn't it healing for me? Why am I still dwelling on him? Why is he still on my mind? Is it because that he always unpredictably and unexpectedly start a conversation out of nowhere with me and I realised how much I missed him? Why can't I let go? Why is there still a tiny piece of me still believing that there's a chance we will meet one day and start anew and afresh again? Maybe it's the promise he gave. Maybe it's also why my mum who too have joined in the loop, encourages me to wait. Just maybe because of all the little bitsy reasons out there, they add up to develop to such a great effect, even time itself cannot beat.

We were like strangers who knew each other very well.

Time passed so quickly when your plate is busy with uni, work, friends and family.... and I realised it has been a year since I had called it off, I just couldn't believed it *wow* And seriously, so much has happened too. It's crazy!!

**AND before you start assuming whether I'm being sappy or not, I'm actually just writing what I feel, I feel like sharing this (when so many of you asked me what exactly happened then, and yes, it had been quite a damn long time already, I've reached to the point where I'm fine to share the story with you all)**

                                   ----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Be friends" you said after we broke up. Then, you offered me two choices - for you to stay or leave. At that time, there was a tiny piece in me that regretted this decision, but then, there's another proportion that was telling me that I'm doing the right thing, as I'll be too selfish if I had asked you to stay.

Throughout this whole time, I found myself again and again wanting to chat with you like how we used to, but then I resist, because I remember that you're a different person now.

At first I wasn't use to it, but later as time progresses on, I guess I got used to it. To not calling you mine. To not being there for each other. I guess I got used to this routine. Perhaps you felt the same way then, or maybe you've finally moved on and found someone way better than me.

We went through many stages. From strangers, to lovers, back to strangers, then friends and to some acquaintances.. and strangers at last.

"How ironic it is that we all started as strangers and we end up as strangers too"

I read an online article on: how the people we once loved become strangers again.

When love becomes loved. And everything became used to be, it doesn't mean that everything is forgotten. It doesn't make you forget about their birthdays or forget the things they do for you.

But somehow you realised that. Love itself is not enough to keep two people together. A lot of things require more than just feelings. I may still love him. But. I may never want to be together with him anymore.

What's the point of forcing two people together, if we're never gonna reach that point of consensus that both of us agrees to.

You may be perfect in so many ways, but your imperfection outweighs all of the rest. Always know that. When someone doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be, never settle for something lesser.

Maturing as time goes by. Meeting new people, talking to new people. New changes have occurred but I guess that’s life, right? Not everything is perfect, not everything is the same. It just sucks because I miss talking to a lot of people I wish I didn't grew apart from.

At times I wanted to message him, but then I didn't know if I really should and I didn't want to bother him. I have always wanted to let him know what we had mean so much to me, but it's way too late to say that anyways.... I guess I just wanna say I wish all the best for him in life (though I really do not think he will even read this).

I still have nights where I can't sleep, where I just drown in my emotions and thoughts. And if you are friends with me on WeChat, you will definitely know by the amount of spam I update on moments :3
To be honest, I still think about him (where I know it's unhealthy to do so, but that's alright, because I realised it's fine to reminisce about the past)

I am that kind of person that tends to think about my past a lot.
From reminiscing everything, to regretting my decisions/choices to questioning myself: why? 
And then I get all sad and depress. Tears then finally come out. But we can't do anything right? Because besides crying, I can't do anything, there's no reverse button in life, I can't go back.
All there's left is nothing but memories.

But lately, well exactly 2 days ago, he started talking to me again. He asked the same question again, I haven't even answer yet, eventhough I know what answer am I already going to give him, but I just don't have that courage to say it. Sometimes I really do hate myself for that x.x
Should I follow my heart?
Should I give us another chance? 

Can't believed I dreamed about you last night.... it all felt so real. I woke up, disappointed that it was just a figment of my imagination and disappointed in myself for actually missing you.

Gahh really do not know why I've been thinking about you so much lately T.T
It has been ages since we last talked... why is this feeling of uneasiness coming back all of a sudden??

Sometimes I get the urge to talk to you but I hold back because I remember that you are a different person now. I look at the sky often and I'm hoping that from wherever you are, you're looking at it too.

Not many people can take my breath away, but you don't even have to try.

You were never mine. You weren't mine to begin with and not mine to end with.

Resisting the urge to talk to you, knowing how much heartache that could possibly bring if I do so..

I would say that I am proud of myself for resisting the urge to talk to you, but that wouldn't exactly be the truth. I’m left feeling a confusing mix of relief and disappointment. I know that I made the more responsible, rational, and self-respectful choice. But I can’t help but feel as though I've missed out on an important opportunity. An opportunity for what? I have no idea. 

I'll be alright. One day. Someday. Just not today.