- but fake happiness is still the worst sadness.

Just tired.

Tired of being constantly not ok.

Tired of smiling to people even though I feel like crying myself to exhaustion.

Tired of lying that I’m fine.

Tired of people lying to me.

Tired of people pretending that they care.

Tired of feeling so much and nothing at the same time.

Just tired.

Sometimes I have too many emotions and sometimes I have none at all but I always feel like I'm drowning.

shoutout to my favourite coping mechanism,

isolation.

dead inside

Do you ever notice yourself getting bad again, like, you know you’re not doing work that needs to be done, you know you’re not cleaning, you know you’re not taking care of yourself… you know all the things you need to do to start trying to feel better. But you just can’t. And you’re left feeling like sh*t because you thought you were getting better but here we are.

kind of there

One of the worst moments in life is probably when you’re in a room full of people and you look around and see them all talking and laughing and all of sudden you feel so sad and lonely that you can even feel a physical pain in your chest because you realise that they all belong to someone and they all have someone who belongs to them and you don’t, you’re just kind of there.

“6 months from now I will be in a different situation.”

Speak it into existence.

If only my heart were as cold as I pretend it is, maybe I could get over this.

I wanted to write something but I did not know what

I wanted to say something but I did not know what

I wanted to talk to someone but I did not know who

I wanted to listen to everyone’s advice but I did not know how

I wanted to go somewhere but I did not know where

I wanted to die but I did not know when

I wanted to hurt somebody and I knew who

Myself.

this hits hard

There’s a difference between being happy and being distracted from sadness.

l-o-n-e-l-y

You ever have those nights that make you feel incredibly lonely despite knowing you have people who care about you? And for some reason you just want to lay in bed and not associate with anyone or do anything even though you know it’ll make yourself feel less that way.

Have you ever just wanted to leave. Run away. Run far far away. And start new somewhere else. Start fresh. Begin again. Purely because you’re fed up. You’re bored. You’ve exhausted your time where you are. And the possibility of being somewhere else alone, creating again it’s just the thing that seems to keep you from falling apart.

When I was younger,

when I first heard about suicide, I was shocked. I didn’t know why anyone would kill themselves on purpose. All I can say now is, it’s funny how fast things can change..

She suddenly stopped being herself and let her demon take over.

To any depressed people following me -

I just want to put this out here in case there’s anyone who feels and experiences depression and any sorts of emotion instability/ies.

I swore that I would kill myself before ever hitting 23 because life was so miserable and I didn’t think things would ever get better. And like, life is still miserable, don’t get me wrong, I’m not gonna tell you “it gets better”, but I want to let you know from experience that life gets a LITTLE more fun. When you learn how to drive, when you start making your own money, things seem a little different. Things change. I’m not saying you won’t be sad anymore because chances are you probably will be, but you’ll experience new things and you have the chance to interact with new groups of people. It’s kinda fun and kinda cool and you deserve to at least experience the changes before ending things permanently. 

That feel when your day is going fine but then you get reminded of something traumatic few years ago and you start crying and can’t stop and literally dying would be better than this. 

A l o n e

At least in hell it's burning. I'm not even burning. I am void, empty, souless, nothing.

Nothing makes me feel motivated.

Nothing makes me want to live.

There is nothing I look forward to.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing.

I am nothing.

I wish someone would tell me to jump. To let go of everything here on Earth. To finally end my suffering. That's when I feel as though someone finally cares.

I am so sick of people telling me everything will be OK. That I need to stay strong, stay positive. That I am an inspiration, that I am creative and talented and above all else, loved.

Bullshit.

Look at me.

I'm alone.

I should write.
But all the passion inside me,
has been burned out.

It’s so easy for people to say ‘just stop worrying’.
But when you have over a gazillion thoughts running through your head all at once it’s so much harder to 'just stop worrying’.

You know one of those nights, where you just don’t know what to do...? It’s cold, it’s lonely, the night breeze. You feel so helpless and alone. Nights like these are the worse.

You stay up in bed, doing these things, trying to get yourself to fall asleep. But all you could do is just think. Think about anything and everything. Your past experiences, things you’ve been through, the life you’re living. All the stressful things that’s been happening. And as much as you try not to think about anything, it’s always the bad things that outshine the good.

You sit there reminiscing all the times you’ve had with people who no longer exist in your life. People who once were there for you, but just vanished like a smoke of cloud. You think about how much happier you used to be, and how everything was better before.

It’s nights like these were you realise how lonely you are, how much hope has departed, yet the memories haven’t.