I like-d talking to you.

It’s like every time we do talk, I end up laughing or smiling. Even if we’re fighting or something over the silliest things, I probably could never take you seriously. You’re cute. The way you talk-ed to me. It was great, more like amazing. When I talk-ed to you it’s like everything else didn't matter.
Like I said, I like-d talking to you, I really do (did).

Change really is for the better.

Maybe that’s why change is inevitable. 
Maybe that’s why we look back after a long period of time, only to realise how far we've made it, by taking the little steps.
Maybe that’s why the struggle in between is truly difficult.
It’s for us to realise how wonderful the result at the end of the tunnel is.
Maybe, just maybe, change could all do us good every now and again. 

Someday, I want to travel somewhere. Somewhere exotic. A trip with no destination and no time limitation, to all the places that I've only dreamed of going. No longer will I only be seeing these places in visual illusions of black and white, my dark, dreamy and unreal images will come to life as my mind is exposed to all the bizarre colors that are painted by the beautiful sights around the world.

Travelling lightly, my bags will only hold a few change of clothes. With my loved one not behind me, not in front of me, but joining me by my side, we will make this experience ever-lasting. During the trip, I want to set myself at ease. I want to be free of all emotions, as well as all thoughts. I won’t let anything get in my way of me enjoying myself, I will take control like a captain spinning his wheel and guide the way.

Not only do I want to see flows of treading waters, I also want to walk through the sandy beaches barefoot, I want to feel the grains of sand escape through my toes. I want to lay down on a blanket, feel the breezy wind blow in my hair as I fall asleep counting the stars that shine as bright as my significant other’s eyes. I want to see all the animals I don’t know the names of. I want to try different types of food until I’m too full to pick up another piece to stuff into my mouth. I want to send post cards in different languages from all the cities I visit. I want to be able to smell, taste, sense, and feel all the fine things the world has hidden. I want to make my trip a story worth telling. 

I write about love like I know it so well, but to be honest, love and I have never officially met.

I didn't care enough.

That was my problem. People slipped through my fingers like sand, hobbies became a thing of the past, dreams were for people with hope and love belonged to those who deserved it. And I guess I didn’t care enough to deserve any of those things.

My veins bleed ink and my soul breathes deep.

And sometimes I cannot help but to wonder... if writing is supposed to be therapeutic, then why do I constantly feel like I’m ripping open my skin with animalistic claws? Am I writing to remember, or to get rid of these memories?

Do you ever feel like you’re waiting for something that isn’t ever going to happen? Like, you’re basing all your decisions on ‘if’s, ‘maybe’s, and uncertainty?

And sometimes, no matter how much you want to get up and leave, theres’s something that draws you back, to continue waiting. Perhaps it’s all the time you’ve already spent on something, and to lose that suddenly, for nothing, seems kind of pointless. But, why continue wasting time?

It’s like, waiting at a train station, for a train that doesn’t stop at this particular location, but something keeps you attached to waiting here. As if one day, the train will change course.

You want to leave, desperately wish to go, but still hopelessly believe that an alternative is possible. The train will change course, to a better one.

But, what should happen if the moment you’ve gone, the train makes a sudden turn.

By then, will it be too late?

Mummy knows best.

When I think back to the past about things that have occurred to me, relationships, incidents, study, anything bad really. I could have prevented it because mummy had already foretold what was going to happen and had given me her wise words of advice yet I chose to go against it and not listen. But I know now to listen to what she has to say because her intentions are not to be a party pooper, but to keep me safe. Mummy probably knows what I am going through at each phase of my life, I think her 2cents comes from experience.

Today I turn 23 years old.

I am rebuilding my career.

I have absolutely no romantic prospects.

But you know what?

I know who the fuck I am.

That will always be enough.

When it all just sinks in...

When all those feelings hit you.

When you realise you were doing much and received back so little.
The moment you realise what had happened, turned out to be nothing but a bitter end.

The moment your tears clean out your sight, you come to sense and realise, you’re nothing. Nothing, but a shadow of another. What reality led up to made you come to your senses and made you finally see that you’re worthless. That you’re as worthless as it could get.

Your heart and brain turns off and starts resenting against anymore hatred and hurt.

When you finally see that your heart can’t take it no more.

That’s when you give up, that’s when there’s no hope, no faith, when you realise it was just another lie.

When you’re sad:

1. Write letters to the people you love. Don’t seal them; don’t send them. Instead, stick them between the pages of library books.

2. Eat raspberries off your fingertips.

3. Venture outside and observe natural life. Watch a honey bee suck the nectar from lavender plants. Watch a snail slowly make its way towards the shade of a tree. Watch a hummingbird innocently fly above your head. Realise how insignificant you are.

4. Smile at strangers; say hello. It will improve their day and your own.

5. Write lists. They can be about anything.

6. Read several pages of the dictionary. Learn new words. Write down the ones you wish to remember.

7. Never feel compelled to apologize when you don’t feel sorry. It’s okay that you’re honest. It’s okay that you have a different opinion from someone else.

8. Read books and watch movies from your childhood. A healthy dose of nostalgia is okay. Immerse yourself in your past innocence.

9. Walk to a park and get on a swing. Go as high as you can; feel limitless. The world is yours.

10. Eat if you’re hungry. Food is not the enemy. You are a human and need food to survive. You deserve to eat. Put those raspberries on your fingers and sprinkle sugar on your tongue. Taste the summer breeze and sweet aroma of jasmine flowers.

11. Don’t marinate in your sadness. You are not a steak. You are a person; you’re irreplaceable. Open yourself up to contentment. Bathe in the rivers of Glee. Go for hikes with Satisfaction. Sleep in a warm cocoon of blankets with Bliss. Let endless happiness overcome your hopeless sadness. You deserve to be happy. If life is a game and you are the referee, be biased for once and let happiness win.

Does anyone else ever like…. partially dissociate? Like there’s a little part of you that is just not there but the rest of you is like “come back to the body, buddy, we have stuff to do”?

Note to self: it’s okay to find yourself thinking about someone late at night and smiling or crying or feeling everything or nothing as thoughts of that person overwhelm you. It’s okay to wonder, even if that person might not be thinking about you (anymore).

WHY RUSH?

Why are people trying to get a guy/girl?
Why are people rushing into getting a relationship?
I mean, what’s the point?
If you’re ready to be with someone, then you’re ready. You can’t force time and make things go faster. You can’t just like someone for a day and then immediately want to be with them the next. It doesn’t work like that. Be patient. Your time will come. Fuck those who pressure you into dating someone. Fuck those who judge you for being single. You’re not single because no one wants you - you’re single because you’re waiting for the right one. Don’t rush. It’s not going to get you anywhere in the end. 

If you are not nice, then you’re considered a bitch and a snob. 
But if you’re too nice, then you’re considered fake. I don’t get it. 

You know that feeling, when you truly just love and care for someone. To the point where no matter all the mistakes they’ve made or all the faults they’ve been through, you don’t care about any of those. You don’t look for faults, answers or mistakes. Instead, you fight those mistakes and you accept it from them. Accepting all their flaws and them as a person, knowing that no matter what happens, you’ll always look past it, loving them as of right now for simply who they are. 

Long distance relationships.

Don't know what got me tonight, but mind got me thinking about writing something regarding to LDR's, so here goes, a scope of what it's like to be in a long distance relationship.

You spend a whole lot of time alone. Not alone as in miserably lonely, but handling your day to day activities with the absence of your lover. there are times where you just wish that it was easier for them to be around you, to hold you when you’re cold, and having the luxury of falling asleep in their arms then waking up to see their blunt beauty in the morning. Trust becomes a huge factor in the success or failure of the relationship because all you really have is the unspoken promises of commitment and fidelity.
Before you decide to pursue a relationship with someone far away, there is a transparent contract that you sign, saying that you know the consequences and you fully accept what follows. When they can’t physically be there, you can’t blame them and say that they’re never around. Circumstances divide you two apart and it’s up to both of the individuals to work past that, not ignore it. You end up depending on technology to converse with your significant other. A simple text, phone call or webcam sessions start to mean so much more to you.
Then there are times where it becomes difficult because you want to hold them when they’re having a bad day, to show up at their front door steps and surprising them, or just going out on a lunch date from time to time. So you find alternative ways to show them how much you care. Any moment with them is sacred because it becomes something you to yearn for, so much that it aches. It’s most definitely not easy, but when you fall in love, everything is worth it. And every single time you look into their eyes, it’s like the first time all over again. You learn to be great on your own, but even better when they’re by your side. It’s where independence and dependency is in perfect harmony.

I rarely, rarely, RARELY ever cry in front of people because whenever I do, it hits like a freaking tsunami. 

I have learned that you wouldn't be able to live your life if you were not focus on yourself.

You can’t base your life on what people think of you, their beliefs, what they want, their characteristics and personalities. You can’t live your own life focusing on everyone else’s opinions.

Sometimes you shouldn't put your happiness aside just because you want to make someone else happy. And sometimes you should do what you want to do. Because sometimes, it’s not about everyone else.

Sometimes it’s about you. Focus on yourself first. Life isn’t a competition, or a race. Life is more than that.

The goal shouldn't be, who will make it to the finish line first.

The real goal should be to enjoy the path that will take you there.

Sometimes I feel so alone..