When someone breaks our heart, we so desperately want them to know how much they hurt us, thinking it will change something. But it doesn’t. They can respond empathetically, feel guilt, and hopefully learn how to avoid hurting someone so badly in the future, but your hurt isn’t going to change the situation and likely won’t make them feel anywhere near as bad as you do. Even if they did something horrible, they’re telling themselves whatever they can so they can feel better too, we are all always in survival mode - “They’re hurting now, but it’s what is best for them in the long run,” “It was unavoidable.” Whether their internal dialogue is true or not, we are experts at convincing ourselves that our actions are justified. Your pain is yours to work through, no person can be both the cause and solution of your hurt. Don’t be afraid of expressing it because it’s real and can be so overwhelming, but you don’t need to “prove” your pain, hoping for some sort of response. If anything, it will push them away further, and delay your moving forward. Ultimately, you don’t want to be with someone only because they don’t want you to be sad, or because they feel sorry for you. You shouldn’t guilt someone into loving you, and them pulling a lesson from the situation is their task. You work on your own.

“Move on quietly, love yourself loudly.”

Is it strange that I’m just waiting for the real sadness to hit? I don’t feel abnormally sad like how I expected to react to this situation, and that actually scares me a lot because I feel like it’ll hit me like a cannonball later, all at once.

Or there’s that other option that my past experiences have made me stronger and prepared me to handle this really well.

I’d like to think it’s the latter.

I have learned to accept why things happened as they did and have buried the past where it belongs. For once, I’m not crying over the past but instead contemplating my future, and not only am I thinking about it, but I’m actually getting really excited for whatever may be in store for me.

It may be too soon to tell, but if this is as worse as it gets then I am super freaking proud of myself.

I'm that person that everyone replaces after a while // R E L A P S E

Now I don't want you to carry me towards the light..... Because now I know just like everyone else... You too will never be mine.

It's taking everything in me not to kill myself.... I'm tired. Really am.

“Just smile and say you're fine, cause nobody really cares anyway.”

She paints her nails black to represent her soul and she locks herself in her room every night in hopes someone would check on her.

The truth is quite simple, no one is going to come knock on your door when 3am strikes and your sleeves are stained red.

The truth is those black nails are a failed attempt to represent something that isn’t even there.

There is something so unbelievably refreshing about meeting individuals who are on the same life frequency as you. Everything feels effortless and natural. You just vibe, it’s fucking amazing.

What if you wake up one morning and you’re in bed with the love of your life and they have their arm around you and they're snoring like a fcking ass hole, but you can’t help but to smile and you hear a baby crying and it finally hits you, you’ve made it.
You beat the demons inside you, the voices, the darkness.
I look forward to that, to knowing I made it.

There will come a time in your life when you will become infatuated with a single soul. For this person, you’d do anything and not think twice about it, but when asked why, you have no answer. You’ll try your whole life to understand how a single person can affect you as much as they do, but you’ll never find out. And no matter how badly you hate it or how badly it hurts, you’ll love this person without regret for the rest of your life.

I am so good at finding the worst in myself that I can’t even remember the last time I’ve ever said anything nice about myself. So if there’s anything I’d like to take the time to applaud myself for right now, it would be not letting my emotions overcome me and acquiring the discipline to not lash out and act solely upon my feelings when certain times call for it. Yeah, we’ve all been tempted to cry, yell, scream, put people on blast, or hell, even fight somebody in attempt to “put them in their place,” but after being put in so many rough situations last year, I’ve learned to think more rationally and realise that not every situation calls for a reaction. Sometimes you just gotta let people do what they do, think what they think, say what they say, and all that’s left to do on your part is shut your mouth and learn to hold your peace. Life goes on, and it is definitely way too short to let sadness or hatred consume you, so why waste time or feelings on things/people that don’t do anything but bring you down? Because if you do react, you only give satisfaction to the other party whilst hurting yourself in the end. This will be a constant reminder to myself.

I often wonder... how different my life would be if that one thing never happened....