I really am so glad to see you’re happy now…

Yet I’m just here, alone, feeling sorry for myself…

If I told you I still needed you, would you come back to me?

- trying to get it together -

You can just ignore this.

I’m so tired..... all the time.
I could sleep through a whole entire day and probably another one if I didn’t have things to do. It’s exhausting being awake. It’s constantly exhausting trying to focus on what people are saying but no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me and that’s probably the worst part. Because I can’t even explain myself to others around me. Or even to myself. It feels as if my head is barely above water and it terrifies me. Because I don’t know what I’ll do when I finally lose this fight. Who I will hurt. Who I will destroy, simply because I can. I hate the cold heartless side of me. She’s a fucking bitch who doesn’t care about the repercussions of the things she does. She’s a monster. And she is me.

Welcome to the deep dark corners of my mind that I could never speak out loud.

1st of Feb

Surround yourself with people who love, support and help you strive for the better. Nothing worse than being around people who put you down and mentally ruin you. Blessed to have the people who have stuck by me through all the hard times. If I haven't message you for a long time, that just mean you're cut out of my life, I do not need your negative vibes.

I’m on the road to recovery, nothing but positivity from this journey onward!

Career focused.

My only goal and plan this year.

Driven.

"It's just life."

The hardest thing for me to do is open up to someone about the darkness in my mind and how I’m struggling to deal with everything in my life. I’m used to bottling everything up inside and pretending it’s ok. Yes I’ve had suicide attempts. Yes I’m trying to get better but it’s just so difficult. It hurts so much when I’m finally able to tell someone after drowning on my own my whole life and have them not give a fuck. I’m not in my right mind and I’m telling someone just like how people say I should before I do something I regret and to have you sigh like I’m nuisance saying you don’t want to see or deal with me when I’m like this and that “it’s just life” hurts so much.
But then again maybe you are right and I’m just overreacting.
It’s just life and I’m a psycho bitch for not being able to deal with it. If this is all life is and nothing’s going to change, then I don’t want it. I don’t want to feel anything anymore, I don’t want to deal with it because what they say is false. They say talk to someone you love or care about how you’re feeling and it’ll help. But it’s a lie, I did and I want to die even more after. I’m running out of reasons to keep myself sane. To keep myself me. I honestly don’t think I can be saved anymore.

So many feelings not shown.
I’m caught in this emotional cyclone (again).
Hoping I don’t end up in this friendzone..... (but I think I already am).

It has always been too late.

Don't know what to do about you anymore.

还是放弃你了吧....

你值得拥有更美好的女孩...

不打扰你了....

就这样, 祝你幸福, 快乐。

The truth is..

I don’t really care what you think or say about me. I can be too loud sometimes, sometimes too hypo and on some occasions I am really quiet. Whatever I do is none of anyone’s business unless I say it is so. No one has the right to judge me or my family and friends. We do not live to please you nor would we ever consider changing to satisfy your thirst of downgrading us. Our egos will only grow as you try everything to bring us down. You either love me or you hate me that is for you to decide. I don’t like fake multiple personalities, I only have one and I am proud of it. I do not always know what I am doing and may not always make the right choices, I am not perfect. No one is. I learn from my mistakes and I am grateful for the people in my life who love and care for me, they are the only ones that I need, the ones I live for. So your judgmental eyes don’t shake us. You are societies bitch, you, my dear are a clone of all the inconsiderate, attention-seekers, unappreciative, stupid jerks in the world. 

I don’t really have a lot of thoughts lately because everything just feels pretty blah to me - it’s the same voices over and over again and the same pictures in my head. I’m just kinda numb to everything and almost everyone. I just don’t have a lot of energy in me anymore but I wish I did - well at least my anxiety wishes I did. I don’t know what I wish for anymore because I don’t know who I am anymore.

She sits in her room surrounded by the dark because that is all she has ever known. Many people have desperately tried to show her the sun but she’d rather see the moon. Some try to understand her but how could they when she barely knew herself.
Everyday she felt like she was slowly slipping away, like she was fading away from everything that had ever meant something to her.

I am constantly acting like I am strong but truth be told I am so tired.

I am so sick of having to lie to myself.

I am just so tired of having nothing left to hold on too.

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At work today, it suddenly poured down with heavy rain with thunderstorms and hail, it was so bad that I had to duck to an undercover in a random house. Then all of a sudden, an old lady came out and invited me in. After she settled me down and gave me towels to dry myself, the first thing she said was, "You are not truly happy, are you?"
To be honest, that really hit me. Like how can she, a stranger, can pick it up and notice me behind my mask... while even my closest friends can't do so?!
We ended up having really deep and meaningful conversations, she gave me good guidance and advice. Even at the end, before I had to leave, she gave me her phone number and told me to drop by anytime when I'm in troubled times. I feel really grateful and warmed to the heart by her actions and generosity, of inviting me, a complete stranger to her home.

Nobody ever asked me if I was okay. So all I could do was keep asking them and hope that one day they would ask me too.