Sometimes I can’t help but wonder...

... did I really love you for who you are, or did I love you because of the way you made me feel?
Maybe I didn't love you after all, I just loved the times we shared, the things we did for each other and how I’ll never be able to think of loving someone else, the way I loved you.

For the first time in weeks, I physically, mentally and emotionally feel extremely tired.
I can't take it anymore. I realised I'm not as strong as I think I was.
I cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to sort myself out. Eventhough I'm getting help at the moment, I just don't know how I can pull through it all and recover from this trauma... It's like I'm in this tunnel of darkness where no light can be seen.
I found that as the day passes by, it's more and more harder to retain my “mask” around my surroundings aka my friends and even my family - a form of myself to assure everyone that I'm fine, while I'm breaking down inside. I'm sick and tired of this form of pretense that I’m okay, lying to myself and everybody else. And I am hoping that this pretense would eventually become real.
I know for the fact that something's slowly unfolding inside me, little by little, I'm changing, not entirely sure whether it's for good or bad.. But I'm definitely sure that I'm not the same person I was at the start of the year and will never be anymore....
So much are happening right now, with uni finishing this week, exams in less than 2 weeks and my feelings are still a pool of muddles and indecisiveness.
I still haven't sort myself up yet and I haven't give a response yet to someone who cares about me.. I know that what happened to me this time, will be a super long recovery road. For the first time ever, I don't even know when will I fully recover..
I just want.. I need a break.
A break to escape reality.
I want to let all the emotions out.
I admit, for the first time, I'm struggling for real.
I want to cry it all out.
I am suffocating.
I can't hold it anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I cannot...

First Love.

That's exactly what they are. They are the ones that introduced you to everything, made you love them, and loved you back..
*And no, I'm not being miserable and sappy here, I'm just writing what's in my mind currently*
Your first love made you crazy and confused the hell out of you. It's freaking amazing though because it's your first time. Your first love brought chances in your life.
And when it's over. No matter how hurt you are, you'll always love them. Always. They'll stay with you forever. And not only will you not notice it, but deep down you will compare every other person to them. And none of them will live up, because that person was your first love.
Then after months of letting go, when you finally think you are okay with letting them go, they'll text, or you'll hear "your" song, or something that reminds you of how much they meant and how much you really loved them and realise you're not completely over this person as much as you hoped.

And sometimes when I see couples who are each other's first love and have been together for quite some time through all the ups and downs, I feel sad. But that doesn't mean I haven't let go or haven't moved on, it simply means I've experienced loss which means I've experienced life.

First love is unforgettable.

Source: The Heirs :')

You know I hate those quotes along the line that say “You don’t need a man to be happy” and stuff like that. I mean not everyone literally needs a man to be happy, they just want to have someone to love them the way they wanted to. To listen to them. To take care for them. They want the feeling of love.
So basically when girls want boyfriends, it’s not the matter of having a man to complete you, it’s just a matter of being loved, of being wanted.

I want a nice body, but then like..

food.

I love having those friends where I don’t have to talk to them for months and when we finally catch up, we pick things up right where it ended and everything feels the same as before. I feel guilty that I let most of my friendships drift apart but then isn't it the fact that it’s kind of like a test to see how strong the friendship is in the first place?

Sometimes things happen and you realise you can never go back to being the exact same person you were before. No matter how hard you try, you just can't go back, because, your perceptions have changed. You learn to get used to the change, but you're never the same again. Smiling does not mean the skies are clear, but remember that a smile can make a difference and go a long way.

I felt like I shouldn't talk with you anymore, barging in your life like that, with me and my problems. I'm sorry. I know you really do care about me. I really appreciate that. But now is just not the time.
PS. If you are ever reading this, I'm truly sorry that you found out here instead of me telling you directly. It is really the time that I let you go and not disturb your life anymore..

I ended up crying on the side of a road and a random person asked me if I was okay.
I didn’t know what to say and they just gave me a hug and said, “I’m sad too but it’s okay, everything gets better” and that was by far the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for me.