For the first time in weeks, I physically, mentally and emotionally feel extremely tired.
I can't take it anymore. I realised I'm not as strong as I think I was.
I cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to sort myself out. Eventhough I'm getting help at the moment, I just don't know how I can pull through it all and recover from this trauma... It's like I'm in this tunnel of darkness where no light can be seen.
I found that as the day passes by, it's more and more harder to retain my “mask” around my surroundings aka my friends and even my family - a form of myself to assure everyone that I'm fine, while I'm breaking down inside. I'm sick and tired of this form of pretense that I’m okay, lying to myself and everybody else. And I am hoping that this pretense would eventually become real.
I know for the fact that something's slowly unfolding inside me, little by little, I'm changing, not entirely sure whether it's for good or bad.. But I'm definitely sure that I'm not the same person I was at the start of the year and will never be anymore....
So much are happening right now, with uni finishing this week, exams in less than 2 weeks and my feelings are still a pool of muddles and indecisiveness.
I still haven't sort myself up yet and I haven't give a response yet to someone who cares about me.. I know that what happened to me this time, will be a super long recovery road. For the first time ever, I don't even know when will I fully recover..
I just want.. I need a break.
A break to escape reality.
I want to let all the emotions out.
I admit, for the first time, I'm struggling for real.
I want to cry it all out.
I am suffocating.
I can't hold it anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I cannot...