Late night thoughts....

You think about your day. Yesterday. How tomorrow will be. Your future. Your past. Your mistakes and regrets. Your flaws. The heartbreaks, the pain you once felt. All these emotions that you thought you’d never experience again. It all comes back to you and it’s nights like these where you can’t sleep, and re-experience the stress and the pain once more.

"It’s a pleasure to meet you" once said.

When I meet someone new and we start off with a conversation, I love it. But as soon as we stop talking, things get a little bit distanced. It may sometimes be because one is shy to start a conversation again, or just not interested in you. That is the thing about missing someone you never got to know as well as you would have liked. It is like trying an amazing new food that’s limited edition, and you won’t ever be able to try it again. But the taste lingers on your tongue and just for a moment, all you can crave is the distinct flavor. It’s what your taste buds demand.
Missing someone? Just like food, your soul can crave people just as easily.

Isn't it strange to think that there’s someone out there that is destined to be with you? It could be a stranger at the train station, a reader at the coffee shop, a passing face on the sidewalk or even a pizza boy who will show up on your doorstep, eventually. You guys haven’t met yet, but somehow, you’re both connected by this invisible string. Someday in the near future, you’ll meet that someone and be absolutely certain that it was destined to be.

I am finally okay being by myself, because I’m not, really, truly alone. I have never been fine, for as long as I can remember. There has always been this emptiness. Something was always missing for me. And it’s not that I had a bad life, it is just that I saw what was bad with life. We humans hurt each other mindlessly. We love selfishly. Everything I noticed in life was that people just keep going, even when things should have stopped. This bothered me. I wanted someone to have me, lose me, and devote their life to everything I would have wanted. Or I wanted that to happen to me. Just to prove that people care. But I do not want that anymore. I no longer need devotion or adoration, or even anything close to that. 
I have myself, I am happy and that is enough.

I want to talk to you.

I want to at least ask you how you have been. I just want our communication back but what I’m afraid is, how will you react? Will you snob me off after a few words? Will you talk to me like I’m a stranger? Will you even reply back? Probably not. If you wanted to know how I’ve been, you would’ve asked me already.

Scrolling through old text messages between this guy and I at this late of the night. Feeling the sadness, emotions and mixed feelings spread once more through my bones. Memories overwhelm me. At this time of the night, they tale control and the sadness focuses on you...

It's actually so alarming to see how I myself replied/reacted to certain sensitive topics 2 years ago compared to how I would face them now... I realised I have changed/grown up. I can't believe I actually was so naive back then... I can't believe back then I overreacted to even such "normal" stuff and made several fusses...

The Cycle.

You meet someone. You two get close. It’s all great for awhile. Then someone stops trying. Talk less. Awkward conversations. The drifting. No communication whatsoever. Memories start to fade. Then that person you know becomes that person you knew. That’s how it usually goes, right? Sad, isn’t it?

When someone compliments me I wish I could say more than just a thankyou. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by all of them, whether it’s about my appearance, personality or actions. I don’t like it when someone compliments me without me having to say thank you or not. I mean I appreciate them all, but at times I don’t want to come off as cocky or full of myself. Even if I don’t agree some will think I’m fishing for more.

Been missing someone a lot lately... he has been on my mind like 24/7, even the songs in my iPod playlist somehow relates back to what happened between us. I do admit though for countless times that I wanted to just text him a "I miss you" text but I ended up deleting every letter I typed... because it hit me why is it impossible for us to get back together anymore and more importantly, what made me step back in the beginning.
They say time heals everything. Why isn't it healing for me? Why am I still dwelling on him? Why is he still on my mind? Is it because that he always unpredictably and unexpectedly start a conversation out of nowhere with me and I realised how much I missed him? Why can't I let go? Why is there still a tiny piece of me still believing that there's a chance we will meet one day and start anew and afresh again? Maybe it's the promise he gave. Maybe it's also why my mum who too have joined in the loop, encourages me to wait. Just maybe because of all the little bitsy reasons out there, they add up to develop to such a great effect, even time itself cannot beat.