Dream.

I rarely dream. But when I do. It's not a good sign. Because... *I don't really want to sound really psychic or creepy here*, but somehow what I dreamed.. it happens.

For the past 3 nights, eventhough I have been sleeping quite late around 3am because of studying and waking up around 7am to continue this routine, I dreamed consecutively and it's all on that one person. Him.

I have no idea how he appeared in my dream for the past 3 nights when he wasn't in my mind lately.

I brushed it off after first night but as the 2nd and 3rd dreams came, both were so vivid that I myself, am creeped out.

The thing is we haven't even met yet... but the most strangest and weirdest fact is that what occurred in the dreams, were what we planned to do - which was to meet-up.
And in the dream, it was during the meet-up that he said something that was unexpected (but was expected, it was just that I never knew he would say it kinda gist) - and it felt so surreal that my heart ached, I felt myself crying in the dream and I too woke up crying.

But.. what was the ache for?

I thought my feelings for him faded in this 1.5 year period, in which I have nearly made myself to believe that.. until he appears again out of the blue, was it then a reminder that my heart still yearns for him.... even up until now.. despite so many things had happened? 

Exams.

Exams are coming down the pike and I still can't get the knack of all the 5 units I'm doing this semester. Many gave off the impression that waltzing through a uni bachelor degree is very much possible because it's easy *as you just need a pass to get through* but no. I honestly don't think it is anything like what it is.

When it comes to assignment deadlines, tests and exam periods, you can see my face furrowed and distorted. Many would ask me to take a chill pill and not be all stressed up, but have you ever seen a stress-free uni student? I haven’t, unless you count the freshmen who mess up the first half of the semester, say “screw it” and never attend lectures again. But then, that’s not what I'm talking about here. Stress is a HUGE part of the whole uni experience, and it’s something we all have to deal with in life. However, I'll try my very best not to let it get the best of me.

Ah okay I better stick my nose into my book and glue my fingers onto my notes.  NOW. 

Being an asian kid.

When your parents yell at you and start to compare you to your cousins, friends, family, people. Like really? Don’t compare me to someone else. I’m obviously not that person. If you like them so much go tell them to be your kid. Sorry for my mistakes and wrong-doings. I’m sorry I can’t be a perfect child for you, but don’t compare me to other people, I don’t like that.  

2:35am

Dear friend,
It had been awhile since we've last talked. I don’t even recall where we had left off.
So I was surprised when I saw a missed call from you in the middle of the night. Somehow I instantly knew something was wrong... because you never call me.
When I called back and heard your voice, I could tell that you had been crying. And that was the first. You told me how he suddenly ended the relationship, eventhough things were going so well for both of you. I have always find it strange how people can change their minds so easily like the weather - one minute warm and sunny and next minute, colder than winter.
It hurts to see you hurt.
But as you were telling me about him, I suddenly remembered the day I said the same words that he said to you, to someone else.
What a vicious cycle.
How can I despise such a man - so cruel and heartless, yet identify myself with him?
And that's when I realised... I am not always the victim, nor am I the hero.
Sometimes.. I end up being the person holding the knife.
And maybe you don't even realise it...
Until hearing the other side of the story from someone else, when it's too late.

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder...

... did I really love you for who you are, or did I love you because of the way you made me feel?
Maybe I didn't love you after all, I just loved the times we shared, the things we did for each other and how I’ll never be able to think of loving someone else, the way I loved you.

For the first time in weeks, I physically, mentally and emotionally feel extremely tired.
I can't take it anymore. I realised I'm not as strong as I think I was.
I cried myself to sleep. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to sort myself out. Eventhough I'm getting help at the moment, I just don't know how I can pull through it all and recover from this trauma... It's like I'm in this tunnel of darkness where no light can be seen.
I found that as the day passes by, it's more and more harder to retain my “mask” around my surroundings aka my friends and even my family - a form of myself to assure everyone that I'm fine, while I'm breaking down inside. I'm sick and tired of this form of pretense that I’m okay, lying to myself and everybody else. And I am hoping that this pretense would eventually become real.
I know for the fact that something's slowly unfolding inside me, little by little, I'm changing, not entirely sure whether it's for good or bad.. But I'm definitely sure that I'm not the same person I was at the start of the year and will never be anymore....
So much are happening right now, with uni finishing this week, exams in less than 2 weeks and my feelings are still a pool of muddles and indecisiveness.
I still haven't sort myself up yet and I haven't give a response yet to someone who cares about me.. I know that what happened to me this time, will be a super long recovery road. For the first time ever, I don't even know when will I fully recover..
I just want.. I need a break.
A break to escape reality.
I want to let all the emotions out.
I admit, for the first time, I'm struggling for real.
I want to cry it all out.
I am suffocating.
I can't hold it anymore.
I can't do this anymore.
I cannot...

First Love.

That's exactly what they are. They are the ones that introduced you to everything, made you love them, and loved you back..
*And no, I'm not being miserable and sappy here, I'm just writing what's in my mind currently*
Your first love made you crazy and confused the hell out of you. It's freaking amazing though because it's your first time. Your first love brought chances in your life.
And when it's over. No matter how hurt you are, you'll always love them. Always. They'll stay with you forever. And not only will you not notice it, but deep down you will compare every other person to them. And none of them will live up, because that person was your first love.
Then after months of letting go, when you finally think you are okay with letting them go, they'll text, or you'll hear "your" song, or something that reminds you of how much they meant and how much you really loved them and realise you're not completely over this person as much as you hoped.

And sometimes when I see couples who are each other's first love and have been together for quite some time through all the ups and downs, I feel sad. But that doesn't mean I haven't let go or haven't moved on, it simply means I've experienced loss which means I've experienced life.

First love is unforgettable.

Source: The Heirs :')

You know I hate those quotes along the line that say “You don’t need a man to be happy” and stuff like that. I mean not everyone literally needs a man to be happy, they just want to have someone to love them the way they wanted to. To listen to them. To take care for them. They want the feeling of love.
So basically when girls want boyfriends, it’s not the matter of having a man to complete you, it’s just a matter of being loved, of being wanted.

I want a nice body, but then like..

food.