Self-conscious.

Being self-conscious is very normal for me.
I tend to think about what OTHERS think about me a bit too much.
Like if I wear something quite different to my usual style; are my friends going to think I have become more girlier etc? If I talk to different people of the opposite gender that I've become close with; are people going to think I'm flirting or liking that person? Are they going to think I've become a total slut? If I have a pimple on a face and it's very visible; are randoms going to laugh and tell their friends that some chick they saw had a massive zit on her face? If I laugh too much or talk to much; is the person I'm talking to going to think I'm annoying and a total loser?
Small shit like that gets me worried and it makes me so self-conscious with myself and who I am.

It is scary when you realise as you are growing up, that all the adults in your life are imperfect and are capable of making mistakes. People who you looked up to, you realise how infallible they are. No one truly knows how things will be, we are all really just winging it, even your parents.

You know that feeling of no interest?

Where you feel as if the person you like, doesn't like you. Like they only like you as a friend. You’re confused and wondering. You don’t know what to do, thus you try to stay away from them, because you are afraid of falling too deep and too fast. You’re afraid of mixed signals and confusion that’ll lead to disappointment. All you want is an answer, an explanation.

When I’m upset.

I’m different from others when I hit this phase. Something inside me shuts down completely whenever I get upset. I’d expect myself to cry or scream, but instead I don’t because I am literally turned off.
I just simply go silent and quiet. I don’t talk much, just wonder off. It’s the kind that confuses me and makes me want to just curl up. I just sleep it off until all the hurt runs away, but sometimes it feels like it will never end.

You think you're happy but then you realised you're insecure. You're scared, you're confused, you don't know what you're doing with yourself, you don't know what's going to happen to you or where you're going to end up. You don't know the next time you're gonna break out crying or the next time you're going to feel safe. You try to tell yourself everything's going to be fine, you force yourself to smile through it all, you're trying to be optimistic. You're usually pretty tough but you know deep down that at this moment you're not okay. Yeah. You're not okay. Not only that but the people around you seem to be changing, slipping away, and suddenly everything is spiraling out of your control. You're losing them. You're losing yourself. You're trying to grasp onto these relationships just like you're trying to keep holding onto that hope you already know is long gone. You're hoping at least one person will bear with you, at least one person you know that when you close your eyes to deal with all the shit that's happening and open them again, he'll still be there. What can you do?
You're trying.
[The End]

Have you ever wonder... if there's someone out there who always pay attention to you?

Like they don't just stalk you on social medias but actually pay attention to the mini details, for example, you seem upset today, you've been dressing up differently lately, or that you smile even for the simplest thing.

Having people like this in your life is a blessing. People care about how you feel, how you think and how you act. I've been caring too much my entire life and I wonder if someone out there who too care about me in this similar way.

But the thing is, people nowadays care and emphasise too much on how you look, meaning what you look is equivalent to your inner beauty. Aka you have to be eye-catching to get their attention, let them approach you and slowly discover the "real" you. I guess it's human nature but don't get me wrong, I definitely enjoy making friends and I don't choose my friend based on how charming they are or how popular they are. That's why I appreciate some people because they know me too well, they don't care if I look like shit today and they criticise me all the time but I can feel them love.

People say I am observant with friends, maybe it's something in me but trust me if I don't care about you, no matter how observant I am, I won't bother looking.

I seriously hate it when ever since, I'm just enjoying myself and maintaining a single lifestyle, the world just seems so "caring" about my love life.

Literally, everyone from long-lost friends to high school to family friends whom I haven’t seen in a while all seem to ask the same dreaded question: “Are you seeing anyone?”

I know they don’t mean any harm to me and they are just curious and want to ask about my life. But after hearing this question so many times, I legitly do get annoyed of saying, "no".

I do admit sometimes it is fun to switch my responses, like my current favourite one: "Yea I'm definitely in a relationship with study. Does that count?"
Sometimes if I really do get annoyed by the person who ask it, I would go with, "I'm in love with myself. Isn't that enough?"
Or more of this one where I get rolled eyes in response, "I see people all the time. I'm seeing you right now!"

I think that's it for the rant today!

Catchaaa all later, my lovelies! ;)

Love,
Velene xoxo

Recently I've been getting a lot of hatred (on email, tumblr and instagram, especially) because “I’m fat” so what? Do you people expect me to stop blogging, stop voicing my opinions, or even ridiculously stop posting selfies on instagram??

I mean like since when was my writing interfered with who I am, or the way I look? How much I weigh and how alien-gigantic-nomous I am? I mean I remember when I was just another kid on the block, just writing and speaking my thoughts out, and I still am that same person I was.

I admit, I used to be one of those people who was afraid of society. I was young, I was vulnerable, I was naive, I was scared of the way people would judge me because I’m not skinny. But you know what, I am growing, and I will keep growing. I have grown out of my flaws, and I've learned to love myself, and embrace them.

And moreover, those people who asks me to go die/go kill myself, seriously go fuck yourself. I'm sick of these "go die/the world will be a much better place without you" emails. Yea what if one day I really did go kill myself, oh won't everyone be jolly. But before I kill myself, as I said in my previous post, I'd leave a legacy.

PS. I have deleted all nasty comments on instagram as I cannot tolerate them on my page. If you nasty people in the future are planning to continue and comment this way, I will block you and report you for inappropriateness. Seriously, if you don't like my instagram, then fuck off. I didn't ask you to follow me for goodness sake. Likewise if you don't like me and this blog, neither is anyone asking you to stay and read.

Late night thoughts....

You think about your day. Yesterday. How tomorrow will be. Your future. Your past. Your mistakes and regrets. Your flaws. The heartbreaks, the pain you once felt. All these emotions that you thought you’d never experience again. It all comes back to you and it’s nights like these where you can’t sleep, and re-experience the stress and the pain once more.