I write about love like I know it so well, but to be honest, love and I have never officially met.

I didn't care enough.

That was my problem. People slipped through my fingers like sand, hobbies became a thing of the past, dreams were for people with hope and love belonged to those who deserved it. And I guess I didn’t care enough to deserve any of those things.

My veins bleed ink and my soul breathes deep.

And sometimes I cannot help but to wonder... if writing is supposed to be therapeutic, then why do I constantly feel like I’m ripping open my skin with animalistic claws? Am I writing to remember, or to get rid of these memories?

Do you ever feel like you’re waiting for something that isn’t ever going to happen? Like, you’re basing all your decisions on ‘if’s, ‘maybe’s, and uncertainty?

And sometimes, no matter how much you want to get up and leave, theres’s something that draws you back, to continue waiting. Perhaps it’s all the time you’ve already spent on something, and to lose that suddenly, for nothing, seems kind of pointless. But, why continue wasting time?

It’s like, waiting at a train station, for a train that doesn’t stop at this particular location, but something keeps you attached to waiting here. As if one day, the train will change course.

You want to leave, desperately wish to go, but still hopelessly believe that an alternative is possible. The train will change course, to a better one.

But, what should happen if the moment you’ve gone, the train makes a sudden turn.

By then, will it be too late?

You know one of those nights, where you just don’t know what to do...? It’s cold, it’s lonely, the night breeze. You feel so helpless and alone. Nights like these are the worse.

You stay up in bed, doing these things, trying to get yourself to fall asleep. But all you could do is just think. Think about anything and everything. Your past experiences, things you’ve been through, the life you’re living. All the stressful things that’s been happening. And as much as you try not to think about anything, it’s always the bad things that outshine the good.

You sit there reminiscing all the times you’ve had with people who no longer exist in your life. People who once were there for you, but just vanished like a smoke of cloud. You think about how much happier you used to be, and how everything was better before.

It’s nights like these were you realise how lonely you are, how much hope has departed, yet the memories haven’t.

Do you know that feeling where you just want to disappear?

I think it’s a cry for help.

Because sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it’s caving in on you. At times there are people out there who really do feel like they don’t want to exist, like they just want to curl up in a ball and go into that place between life and death. When they say things such as ‘I don’t want to exist’ isn’t saying ‘I want to die’. It’s saying ‘I wish for the time being that I can escape this place call reality and just not feel’.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, and you don’t know how it feels to be this way then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

I tell myself it’s all good, and that one day everything is going to be alright.
But as the days go by, I just doubt myself a little more.
I have been told (and I know this too), that to feel better, all I need is to believe.
But it’s been so hard that I don’t know how much I can hold on and be strong.

When I feel so empty, and I get tired of my sad face in the mirror.
I want to give up all the dreams I have kept inside my soul.
Every time that I feel like I’m too weak when everyone is so perfect, I lose all of my strength and I feel like I could fall down right on the floor.

#endlessbattle

Maybe if I was prettier
Maybe if I was stronger
Maybe if I was smarter
Maybe if I was thinner
Maybe if I was louder
Maybe if I was better

.... just maybe.

Read this if you are sad:

A reminder for anyone that's feeling sad..

When you’re feeling sad and you think that it is not going away, or that you won’t ever feel happy again, don’t. Because I guarantee you that one day you will find happiness. You know why? I can guarantee it. Everyone does come across being genuine again, even if it is for a split second. Someday you’ll finally see yourself as your own friend. Those people who screwed you over, hurt you, or broke your heart, they won’t matter. Your mistakes won’t matter because you will move past that, learn from it and eventually accept it. You will understand that you can live without that person you thought you couldn’t. The people who you thought were your friends, they won’t matter anymore. You will have everything because it’s inside of you. Because one day they will recognise that they appreciate you just the way you appreciate yourself.

One day, you’re going to be ready. You’re going to open your eyes, and you’re going to be ready for the next days that are to come. You’re going to get up, go out, and you’re going to talk when you are ready. Go out with friends, do things that will distract you now, and try something new. When you’re ready, everything will be okay. Everything will be alright, because it’s okay not to be okay. And one day when you come to recognise this, you’ll remember reading this. You’re going to tell someone else who won’t believe you, and some day they will believe it like the way I always wish you did as well, and you have. Because now I believe it - seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, I’ve come to find the things I didn’t see in myself. And now, I’m blooming into something I’d never thought I was capable of doing and so will you.

Find the light to yourself. Try new things that you’ve never done before, and take risks. The excitement feelings that will be rushing through your spine will trigger new ideas and feelings that you have never felt before, and you will feel better. You’ll probably forgot about everything that has happened, even if it is just for a split second, and it’s going to be okay. Smile. Be positive. Surround yourself with light, positive and get rid of all the darkness aura that was around you.

Life is about finding yourself. Love yourself first because everything will be okay.