I feel so small. My chest feels empty. My mind is going insane. 

Having a mental illness is LIT

L - literally destroying my future prospects
I - irreversibly damaging my relationships
T - tiring and draining

One of the scariest feeling is starting to fall in love with someone you've never met.

You begin to picture your future with them. How many kids you will have, where you will live, what your house will look like. But in that moment the fear subsides, because in that moment you are in love with them. It doesn't matter that you haven’t physically met. They are the best thing about your life. You don’t need the physical actions to know you are in love. You have a connection that is stronger than any other couple. You fell in love with each other’s personalities. It’s the best feeling in the world knowing that someone out there loves every little part of you.

I think you really know you love someone when you just want to do something you know will make them happy or make their lives easier. You don’t want a reward, you just want a smile on their face.

All of us wear a mask.

Everyday.
It’s not because we’re being fake or anything, it’s just human nature to present ourselves in a way we want other people to see us. It gets to the point where we sometimes find ourselves constantly wearing that very same mask day by day by day. When we force ourselves to pretend to act a certain way, we become a certain way. Most of the time, how we put off ourself isn’t even the real us 95% of the time. Because if we really did show our true emotions…we’re afraid of how others would judge us, criticize us and take advantage of our weakness.
We all wear a mask, not to hide our faces, but to protect our true emotions.

"We create first impressions based on the smallest of things. A smile. A firm handshake. A friendly demeanor. But, humans are layered. We lift veil after veil, and it’s only when we slip past a smile and meander through our cortex that we find something that we can truly call human. We’re built as natural defense mechanisms. We hide our vulnerabilities and show strength with an upturned chin and a straight gait, but which of us mean it? Which of us can keep our shoulders like level weights without showing the vulnerability in our curves? We create angles in our form. We’ll choose empowerment in the form of redwoods instead of bending ourselves like boughs. We’re strong enough to hold an ocean instead of admitting that we’re fragile enough to be swallowed by the sea, and in that, I find humanity’s greatest flaw. We pretend to be someone we’re not, although fragility is what makes us all beautiful. We don suits and straighten our ties and walk around holding our breaths, knowing that once we step into the safety of our homes, we’d take off our skin and place them side-by-side next to our loafers. We are who we are when we believe that no one’s looking, and in turn we’re losing ourselves to what society is trying to mold us into. We’re told to conform to a monochrome world instead of painting our skies the colors we feel in. First impressions bother me because they’re nothing but well-dressed lies. I’m not interested in who you are at first glance. I’m not interested in the person that you claim to be. I only want to know what color your seas are. I only want to know what you bleed."

We’re not the same as we were before. We barely exchange two words together. You don’t even put as much effort into this like I do. But that’s okay. I’ll find someone else that will put as much effort in like I do. 

All the cute guys are either gay, taken, far away or they don’t like me back, lol.

I've told myself this time and time again, “don’t be so naive, dumb ass.” 
And time and time again, I have failed to take my own advice. 
And of course.. time and time again, I either find myself hurt, lost or confused, sometimes… all three at once.

You know that feeling where you think about that someone, and there’s an ache in your chest?

It’s only them you think about.
It’s only them who constantly crosses your mind and seep through your darkest secrecy corners of the mind.
The ones who slowly disappear from your presence. To the daily text message, phone calls, skyping, good-mornings and good-nights.

That pain that grows on you as time progresses on.
That heartache that doesn't dissolve away, but rather leaving an unclosed wound.
An unreasonable unclosure door that is left behind.
The need for closure builds on.
Just wanting a reason to be said, yet only silence is creeping in.

Opening your eyes wide open to silence.
Waking up to no missed calls.
Not being able to hear their voices.
No more wake up calls or sleepy voices, but waking up to a world that is on its end.