Everyone thinks I’m indestructible.

The girl who never flinches. The girl who always has a smile on. The girl who’s gone through nothing. The girl who has no scars. I am not going to lie, sometimes the way you act or look can be deceiving. I don’t want to live behind a wall of laughter and smiles anymore. I want people to understand me, I want people to understand how hard it is to be me, and still be expected to be happy. This is why I write on here. To let out all the venom that has poisoned me and away from the real world.
It’s sad how everyone else just fall apart, yet I don’t know why I am still keeping it all together?

No one can understand you thoroughly.

Even if you were to spill out everything or expose them to a certain situation by explaining it in complete detail. It is hard for one to feel the exact pain of another or try to understand how they might be feeling when you have never really took a step in their shoes. Sure, you might have been in the same situation someone else before, but everyone experiences different feelings because we’re all incomparable people with different backgrounds. And that’s what makes each one of us unique, our feelings and experiences are what differ us from one another.

I miss being a kid....

I look back at... when life was so relax, so easy-going and well, simple. When the only thing that worried me was whether my tamagotchi pet has eaten yet or whether I’ll be able to watch my favourite cartoon. Fuck, I could walk out in my pajamas with my messy hair for all I care. And then there’s the opposite sex; in which I was not interested in whatsoever and would rather stay away from them, because "boy germs" LOL. Life was so straightforward. I had a daily schedule in which I was happy to live by. No distractions, no homework, no drama, no heartbreak, no nothing.
And here I am, thinking how stupid I was when I was small, thinking I wanted to grow up quickly. Man, I would love to go back to the way things were, when not eating my dinner was the only crime in the house, when I would actually appreciate every little detail and love my parents give me.. where everything in my life was so un-complicated. When I was just a gullible and innocent kid who did not really know reality.

Revenge.

Revenge is not sweet. But sometimes, just sometimes; I can’t help but feel that I should give the other person the taste of their own medicine. I don’t like to be treated like shit and as far as I know, I don’t think anyone wants to be treated like shit. It’s just a matter of showing the other person that whatever they did to me, is just not cool.
There’s no doubt that we have all wanted revenge at one stage in life.
It’s just a normal human instinct to immediately go back at the person who has done something bad to you.
It’s normal to feel like that person should feel the pain/sadness/anger you went through because of their actions. But then again, revenge never ends well.
As much as I want to just go back at the people who pissed me off or whatever, I know that when I give them payback.. it’s not going to make me any better than the other person.

Self-conscious.

Being self-conscious is very normal for me.
I tend to think about what OTHERS think about me a bit too much.
Like if I wear something quite different to my usual style; are my friends going to think I have become more girlier etc? If I talk to different people of the opposite gender that I've become close with; are people going to think I'm flirting or liking that person? Are they going to think I've become a total slut? If I have a pimple on a face and it's very visible; are randoms going to laugh and tell their friends that some chick they saw had a massive zit on her face? If I laugh too much or talk to much; is the person I'm talking to going to think I'm annoying and a total loser?
Small shit like that gets me worried and it makes me so self-conscious with myself and who I am.

It is scary when you realise as you are growing up, that all the adults in your life are imperfect and are capable of making mistakes. People who you looked up to, you realise how infallible they are. No one truly knows how things will be, we are all really just winging it, even your parents.

You know that feeling of no interest?

Where you feel as if the person you like, doesn't like you. Like they only like you as a friend. You’re confused and wondering. You don’t know what to do, thus you try to stay away from them, because you are afraid of falling too deep and too fast. You’re afraid of mixed signals and confusion that’ll lead to disappointment. All you want is an answer, an explanation.

When I’m upset.

I’m different from others when I hit this phase. Something inside me shuts down completely whenever I get upset. I’d expect myself to cry or scream, but instead I don’t because I am literally turned off.
I just simply go silent and quiet. I don’t talk much, just wonder off. It’s the kind that confuses me and makes me want to just curl up. I just sleep it off until all the hurt runs away, but sometimes it feels like it will never end.

You think you're happy but then you realised you're insecure. You're scared, you're confused, you don't know what you're doing with yourself, you don't know what's going to happen to you or where you're going to end up. You don't know the next time you're gonna break out crying or the next time you're going to feel safe. You try to tell yourself everything's going to be fine, you force yourself to smile through it all, you're trying to be optimistic. You're usually pretty tough but you know deep down that at this moment you're not okay. Yeah. You're not okay. Not only that but the people around you seem to be changing, slipping away, and suddenly everything is spiraling out of your control. You're losing them. You're losing yourself. You're trying to grasp onto these relationships just like you're trying to keep holding onto that hope you already know is long gone. You're hoping at least one person will bear with you, at least one person you know that when you close your eyes to deal with all the shit that's happening and open them again, he'll still be there. What can you do?
You're trying.
[The End]