Lately I haven’t been feeling like myself. Something’s missing, and I can’t put my finger on it. I feel empty. 

“Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads - at least that’s where I imagine it - there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in awhile, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own private library.” - Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Late night thinkings..... about the unknown "future".

To be honest, I'm so worried about my future.

"It's normal.", you might say but I hate this feeling of hopelessness and fear.

I’m scared that I won’t succeed or accomplish my dreams. I totally wasn't on a smooth pathway in the past two years, there were so many bumpy roads, I got pushed to the edge/corner so many times, and I have always wonder (even till now!) "how the hell did I survive that and move on as if nothing happened?". But then again, to think thoroughly, eventhough I was so unlucky in mostly the 'academic' side, I was always surrounded with positive people like friends, strangers, and most importantly, my family. They were always there when I was down. They reminded me that this is just life. Maybe I have to suffer now, and there will a sweet ending to this? Life is really strange sometimes and complicated in some ways. And it is definitely true that life don't have all ups every time, it's a mixture of both. And I've experienced both so far and I still have a long way to go. And by this, it has always made me skeptical of how is it going to be a 'sweet ending' aka my future.

This might all have been an easier (not easy, easier) decision to make if when I was young, someone forced on me the idea of becoming a doctor or a dentist or a vet or a lawyer so that I would grow up thinking that it would be the ideal job for me. No questions asked.
But no, I grew up where I was able to choose. To do anything I wanted. To dream big.
Some might think this is an amazing situation to be put in, so then why am I complaining?
On a point of note though, not everyone (or maybe this is just me) wants the decision to be put in their hands. Some people like their choices to be made by someone else, someone with better sense, logic and experience.

I think I said this before in my previous getaway post/reflection that something's hinting me that this year is going to be different. Ya that has hit me. realistically.

People said it's gonna be worth it in the end. But at this stage, I feel so hopeless. regret. stupid. lost. depressed. empty.

Through it all I am so grateful to be blessed with supportive and helpful parents. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without them. These aren't just words, I have made it this far not by my own efforts, but by theirs.

Failure. Is. Not. An. Option. 

Uni's starting this coming Monday and I already am starting to stress about it. >.< So many things are happening at the moment and I just wish for the time being that I can escape this place call reality and just not feel.

I felt like I can't change anything now, like there's no other options/choices out there.

I feel so lost. Help. I am nothing but a broken soul.

I wish I could just get a peek of my future to know that I’ll at least be okay.

Stop expecting, stop waiting, stop hoping, stop trying, stop crying, just stop them... you need to stop cause then it will be the start of happiness, so please stop.... remember all you have is yourself and that’s all you need, nothing more.

Had orientation today.... twas great seeing those that I haven't been able to catchup with during these holidays.. :P

Got my timetable too!

Can't believe uni starts next week :'O holy cow.

yay or nay? :P

Sometimes God doesn't give you what you want, not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve more. 

Imagine a perfect world.

You can’t huh? Neither can I. Want to know why? Because perfection does not exist. We can lie to ourselves and shape society and shape its perspective to believe what beauty is, what perfection is. However what others think is perfect, you may not. A person’s perspective on a life, the world, and in you will be different than anyone else’s, why? Because each individual is unique, each pair of eyes are different, each aspect of you is different.

One small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day! :D 
So think positive, be positive and act positive! xo

It is rather amazing, how one person can mean the world to you. How sometimes, all it takes is that one person to make or break your day, to put a smile on your face and/or make you want to cry. How they have the ability to change your mood effortlessly, whether it be with their words or their unintended actions. What’s even more amazing is how one stranger can turn into a once familiar stranger, from someone whom you wish you met earlier, to someone whom you wish to never have met.