"You deserved so much better."

This phrase always hit a chord in me..... I then realised.... we so often say this.... in the midst of rejecting others.

I wish I never liked you.

Here's a post I wrote ages ago but have never got the time/feel to post. Now that it has been so many months, it doesn't faze me anymore, nevertheless, I'd love to share x

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I wish I didn’t waste all those times talking to you or thinking about you. I wish I didn’t worry or cared about all the times you ignored me. I wish I never got excited everytime you made me feel special, I wish I never believed every word you said. I wish I never got my hopes high for you. And I wish I never kept trying and trying, knowing I would just go through the same thing. Because in the end, the one that gets hurt isn’t you. It’s me.

I feel as if I am still waiting on my life to start. Eventhough I am living it right now, I feel stuck because I am not doing what I want with my life.

I once was with a guy that told me he didn't like girls that parties and drinks, and he liked me because I was innocent and cute. 7 months later we stopped seeing each other. A week later he dated a girl that parties and drinks. She was the complete opposite of me. I often wonder if he lied about his ideal type the entire time we're together. I was never what he wanted. They broke up after 2 weeks. He came to see me and wanted to start over. I didn't take him back. I knew we were so different. They say opposites attract, but I say opposites also don't last. Similar people also don't last. What will work in the end is only IF you want it to work. My thinking is a lot more mature than how I am being perceived for whatever reason. I honestly think guys don't really see that.. because they don't know the me inside. They see cute and that's all they know.

Mirror, the world I see behind you has become so distant to me. What am I doing with my life? I know who I am, I know where I should be.... but is this all I ever wanted?

I do not want to settle for what I have at the moment.

But how can I feel not so "lost"...?

"Some of you care. None of you cared enough"

Did you recognise the origin of this quote..?

Well if you did, then you'll know I'm referring to the show that everyone's talking and binge-ing on about these past few weeks - "13 Reasons Why".

Okay so I decided to jump on the bandwagon and watch 13 Reasons Why.
Big mistake.
If anyone suffers from depression/suicidal thoughts and are easily triggered, I highly suggest not watching this Netflix series as it triggered my suicidal thoughts that I haven’t had in ages and thought I was finally recovering from.

- Spoilers alert -

So what is this new series about? Here's a brief summary. It explored the death of a high school student, to be exact, she took her life and left behind a set of secret cassette tapes that reveal why she did what she did. And yes, as obvious as it seems from the title, 13 tapes, 13 episodes, 13 reasons why she did it. She doesn't have any signs of depression or mental illness at all, until things were getting worse in her life, as portrayed in the last few episodes. She is a normal and healthy girl who got bullied into thinking death was the only way out.

Before I watch it, I heard plenty of mixed reviews. People either love it. Or hate it. Or uncomfortable to talk about it. Or want it to be taught in schools, to raise awareness. Some are triggered by the intense content, or some are just confused about how to process what they're feeling. Numb, to be exact. And to some, unsurprisingly, it was often distressing to watch.

I for one, felt all these emotions above. This is definitely not a light-hearted series as it portrayed the ripple effect of suicide. You won’t find any happy endings here – and how could you?

“Hey, it’s Hannah. Hannah Baker.

Don’t adjust your… whatever device you’re hearing this on.

It’s me, live and in stereo.

No return engagements, no encore, and this time, absolutely, no requests.

Get a snack. Settle in.

Because I’m about to tell you the story of my life.

More specifically, why my life ended.

And if you’re listening to this tape, you’re one of the reasons why.”

— Hannah Baker

So back to the main point of me writing a post originally. I've binge watched this series in a week. And there are so many thoughts I have on my mind that I want to share with you all. All rambles are put in this post, in no specific order.

- Bloopers alert and raw thoughts below - Leave if you can't bare any and/or both of these -

Watching this series within a week (5 days to be exact), it left me raw - I couldn’t stop watching it, but it wasn’t an “easy” watch. I had to pause several times. I cried - several times. From start, I could feel her slow spiral out of hope and towards the end, her inevitable suicide.

And one weird thing about watching this series is that by the end I'm so rooting for Hannah and wanting her to make it and be okay that I almost forget she’s dead and the ending is already sealed. Clay won’t wake up to it all being a dream, she won’t be all “surprise bitch”, she’s dead, and it feels weirdly surprising when the suicide scene happens but you knew the whole time it was coming.

Yes, on the last episode, it shows Hannah Baker’s suicide on screen. Watching it was a visceral experience. My heart raced as Hannah prepares and eventually climbs into the bathtub. My stomach knotted as Hannah cringes and begins crying as she cuts her wrists. It is slow. It is uncomfortable. Too heavy. Too real. It was unsettling, difficult to stomach, and hard to imagine… But, so are the topics of suicide and sexual assault. Watching this series, hits so many cores - of what I went through 2 years ago, and the relapse last year. It’s like I’m Hannah Baker. But until now I’m not dead.
Which is true, let's be honest, Hannah in the series can be anyone.

As a person who went through what Hannah did (in most of the episodes, not in highschool) and wanted to die. This is just not something anyone who is suicidal should watch. I’ve binge-watched the show because I was so goddamn curious to know what would happen if everyone found out I died. How horrible is that? I don’t need this.

When you’re lost in your thoughts and you keep on watching “13 reasons why”. It’s just so relatable how people tend not to care on people’s feelings. They don’t know how simple things they said will affect that person or worst, make that person kill herself. They don’t know because in the first place they’re just full of themselves and doesn’t care other people’s thoughts. They don’t know because they can’t even put their shoes on that person’s perspective. That’s how people are right? That sucks. And no one will able to correct that. Yes there’s this someone who’ll just be there for you but that’s just that. They’re just there for you, not to help you solve your problems or be your true friend.

As Clay offers towards the end: “It has to get better, the way we treat each other and look out for each other - it has to get better somehow.”

Right?

Oh and one last thing to end this post, one thing that really captured my attention in “13 reasons why” is the focus they put on the fact that, before Hannah committed suicide, she wore old clothes.
I think the old clothes have two “powerful” meanings:

1. When you are at home, or at least when I am, I wear old clothes. And why is that? Well, to be comfortable at home. I mean, at home, you can be who you are and you can wear anything because you know nobody will judge your appearance. And I think that is the reason why Hannah wore those clothes: to be comfortable during her last moments on Earth, in the “peace” of her home.

2. Hannah’s old clothes can also be a representation of how she felt. The state of her mind. The thing with old clothes are that most people forget about it and left it behind in their wardrobes so that nobody else can see them and with time, they are invisible for you up to the point you do not even remember you have them.
Hannah was that too - she was ruined because of everything that happened to her, and all the false rumours, and even because of her own mind playing tricks on her; nobody payed attention to her and people seemed to forget about her (of course she was the focus when the rumours about her started) but she was a ghost at highschool; and she had holes in her soul, in her heart, in her mind because of the constant crap she had to face.

Ta for now -

You can choose to complain and make excuses for yourself OR you can change your attitude and take actions that brings you closer to your goals.
Every day you have a CHOICE. A choice that can either set you forward or backwards.
Remember, time waits for no one and it can either work in your favour or lead you to consequences and/or unfavorable outcomes - all depending on what YOU choose to do every day.
Think, plan, act, and slay😎⚔️

Writing is safer.. somehow. Because my pen cannot stutter like my lips do; and words get stuck in throats, not fingertips; can’t stumble
on paper trails of white lines because writing is definite and clear
and no one can tell if I am crying or laughing through written words alone.

Don't sink.

You don’t have to sink to the bottom of the ocean and watch the world as you fall.  You don’t have to isolate yourself because you’re hurt. People who love you will always be waiting near the shore and every once in a while, it’s okay to come to the surface to breathe. We all need air to grow. We all need an ocean to let go, but it’s people who will save you. Always remember that.