I never thought it would be me....

I never thought it would be me.
Crying every night.
I never thought it would be me.
Not caring whether I lived or died.
I never thought it would be me.
Smiling even though I just want to cry.
I never thought it would be me.
Caring what others thought of me.
I never thought it would be me.
That when i looked in the mirror I am disgusted at myself.
I never thought it would be me.
Hoping it all would end.
I just… Never thought it would be me…

Every single person you know has something in their life and past that is probably worth collapsing to the ground in an uncontrollably sobbing heap over, so be nice to each other and tell good jokes.

Life cleansing tips:

- Delete conversations between people you no longer talk to. It is healthy to let go of the past and not letting yourself dwell on things.

- Say kind things about people you like. Say good things about yourself. Don’t speak or think about people you don’t like.

- Look in mirrors. you shouldn’t be afraid of facing yourself.

- Allow yourself time to feel and grow. Don’t be too hard on yourself for crying, you need to vent in order to move on to better times. Even rainy days work towards sunny days.

- If things don’t work out, stop forcing them. There’s no reason for you to keep working and failing if there are other places/people for you to excel and be happy.

- Running away doesn’t always solve everything. Sometimes, the reason that made you run will still be with you. Focus on freeing yourself before starting anew.

Self isolating and then getting upset when you see your friends having fun without you and using this to validate the notion that nobody really needs you or will miss you if you’re gone.

Does it bother anyone else that there are parts of your life you don’t remember? You have done and said things that you don’t even know about anymore. That means you don’t even have the right perception of yourself because you don’t even fully know who you are. However, something that you’ve forgotten about could be a prominent memory in somebody else’s mind. It trips me out.

To be honest

I have a hard time talking about my feelings and thoughts because, one, I really don’t want to burden anyone with my problems, two, I don’t trust that people will listen without any preconceived judgments, and three, I don’t expect anyone to understand. Also, it should go without saying that these things are meant to be confidential, but for some reason, people like to talk.

So here’s a shout out to the people that ask “are you okay?” and “what’s wrong?” not because they’re curious, but because they actually care. I don’t like to be needy all the time and I’ve learned how to handle problems on my own, but that little reassurance that I’m not alone is definitely always welcome. I know that talk is cheap, and “I’m here for you” is such a cliché comfort line, but to the people who have proved over and over again that I don’t have to keep everything to myself, and that it’s good to let things out every once in awhile… thankyou. Thankyou so much, and I can only hope that I’m as good of a friend to you as you are to me. 

Have you guys ever had that feeling of never being good enough for your parents to be proud of you?

Like no matter how much you try to make them happy they never actually care. Today, somehow I felt that way, I feel like no matter how much their friends compliment me, they still kept a straight face, like they don’t care. And they try any possible ways out there to bring my self esteem down. I try so hard to be a good daughter to them and all they've shown me is they want more. It’s like they’re never satisfied with anything I do. I know that I’m raised in a traditional, asian family but I can’t get their support. Maybe I’m thinking too much but this is how I feel. I guess they just take the stuff I do for granted, like they take me for granted. Maybe I don’t really mean to them as much as I did before. I know I’m growing up and all, but that doesn't mean they can stop caring about my feelings. I still need them to walk me through my life and show that they’re proud of how much I've grown. I don’t know about them, but in my eyes I’ll always be their baby girl. 

I never liked you anyway. Or maybe I did. Nothing matters anyway.

As silly as it sounds, I’m afraid to love. I can feel my bones shake and tremble when the subject of love gets brought up. I’m afraid to jump in, head on and love fearlessly and carelessly.. The thought of trusting someone so much and to give them all of me, makes me want to hide and never face it ever again. Change is constant and I don’t know if I’m emotionally stable enough to ever deal with it again, no matter how much I want to feel being in love. Lovers come and go, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to let someone in and have the ability to break me. It’s too complex, it makes my mind uneasy to think about how badly I’ve been hurt to be this afraid. It’s sad to know how much damage someone has gone through to be so afraid to experience the best feeling life has to offer..