Have you guys ever had that feeling of never being good enough for your parents to be proud of you?

Like no matter how much you try to make them happy they never actually care. Today, somehow I felt that way, I feel like no matter how much their friends compliment me, they still kept a straight face, like they don’t care. And they try any possible ways out there to bring my self esteem down. I try so hard to be a good daughter to them and all they've shown me is they want more. It’s like they’re never satisfied with anything I do. I know that I’m raised in a traditional, asian family but I can’t get their support. Maybe I’m thinking too much but this is how I feel. I guess they just take the stuff I do for granted, like they take me for granted. Maybe I don’t really mean to them as much as I did before. I know I’m growing up and all, but that doesn't mean they can stop caring about my feelings. I still need them to walk me through my life and show that they’re proud of how much I've grown. I don’t know about them, but in my eyes I’ll always be their baby girl. 

I never liked you anyway. Or maybe I did. Nothing matters anyway.

As silly as it sounds, I’m afraid to love. I can feel my bones shake and tremble when the subject of love gets brought up. I’m afraid to jump in, head on and love fearlessly and carelessly.. The thought of trusting someone so much and to give them all of me, makes me want to hide and never face it ever again. Change is constant and I don’t know if I’m emotionally stable enough to ever deal with it again, no matter how much I want to feel being in love. Lovers come and go, and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to let someone in and have the ability to break me. It’s too complex, it makes my mind uneasy to think about how badly I’ve been hurt to be this afraid. It’s sad to know how much damage someone has gone through to be so afraid to experience the best feeling life has to offer..

You think you’re loving too hard in your relationship. You think you’re doing too much. But that’s not it.
It’s that you’re not getting enough in return.
If the person was going just as hard as you were, you wouldn’t feel the need to pull back.
It’s the one sided-ness you feel.
Not the loving too hard.

To be honest, this is the worst.
I pray I will never be in this situation again.

How is it possible to be friends with someone you have a thing for? I mean you flirt and all but you know there's more to it. You remind yourself you’re nothing more than friends just so you don’t feel pressured to be in a relationship. The more you talk, the closer you get but it gets to the point where you want to distance yourself because of the possibility of falling for that person (again). Maybe it's for the best.

When you have a person that is willing to give you their all, don’t take them for granted and give them your all back. When you finally have someone who cares about you a lot, someone who is loyal, someone who will do anything and everything for you, take a step back and realise what you have. Because once they start to realise that you do not deserve any of that and because you do not give it your 120%, they will start to give you less attention and less everything.
So cherish what you have, it can be gone in a blink of a second.

Forgiveness > Revenge

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been that “nice girl.”
But, I’m strong enough to know that I should never let anyone feel like they can belittle me and make me feel like I'm a shadow to everyone else. I’m not the type to retaliate, being raised to believe that revenge never solves anything. Rather than say what’s on my mind at the moment, I choose to let go and move on. Why? Because nothing drives a person who thinks they’re in control of you more insane than kindness itself. So instead of giving them the satisfaction of feeding off your anger, kill them with a smile and move on with your life.

Nothing about living with mental illness has been cute.

It is feeling completely powerless and like my head is a traitor.
It is knowing that I need to work on projects and meet with friends to feel better but only having the energy to stay in bed.
It is pushing away my support systems.
It is putting myself into dangerous situations, like running away from friends at a party or out into the street at night, because I’m breaking down and can’t think clearly.
It is not being able to walk down the street without having a panic attack some days.
It’s the sense of complete lack of control and fear as I realise I am going to breakdown in public, and don’t know where to hide or how to make it stop.
It’s feeling unsafe in any place because my anxiety could take over at any time.
It’s not being able to enjoy moments with my friends because I’m too busy fantasizing about death. It’s not being able to stop crying for hours and sitting on a bed, forcing my body to get up but not being able to leave.
It’s wanting help desperately but not knowing how to ask for it.
It’s crying over trauma from a year ago and not knowing how to explain to others that these things still hurt.
It’s realising that other people don’t have to prepare their days for their mental illness.
It’s exhausting.
It’s draining.
But it is resilience.
It is feeling like there is nothing worth living for when the past week has been same cycle of crying every day but STILL staying alive.
It is continuing to seek out the smallest amount of hope in you and living off it for months.
It is regaining trust in your head after the things it said to you the night before.
It is constantly putting work into yourself.
It is refusing to see yourself as weak.
My mental illness is ugly. It is messy. It’s not cute. 

I am a human being worth knowing and loving.

I have value.